I’m so glad you’re having a better day. When I made the “out of your league” statement earlier on this thread, I didn’t mean that she’s actually out of your league; I meant that you see her as being out of your league. In other words, she’s not someone you typically ask out, maybe because you’re afraid of rejection? But that’s okay; a lot of us are like that! If this is the type of woman you’re attracted to, then believe that you are worthy of this type. Seems the entire time you were with her you didn’t feel worthy of her — that then comes across as neediness…not good. So do things that increase your self-confidence like you mentioned: buy some new clothes, shave every day, etc. Smile, make eye contact, let the negative thoughts pass by and focus on your strengths. Women love self-confident, nice guys who are happy. And self-confidence can be learned! I’ve learned from this thread that you are a good decent guy with a lot of great qualities. Write them down and read them every day.   Become the man you want to be. Don’t settle for someone you’re not attracted to. So to answer your question about how to distinguish between what is right and what feels right, I think it takes time with a person to know for sure. You may feel the giddiness and butterflies immediately but then as time goes on and you get to know the person, those feelings may fade.  Other times the butterflies aren’t initially there but come later. As you get to know the person, it becomes clear. Can’t rush it. Have to spend time with a person to know for sure.

If you decide to read the book, feel free to post your comments as you read and I will reply! It’s been a long time since I read it but I do remember learning a lot from it. Once you see your thoughts for what they really are, you’ll feel empowered. I know I did and still do.

I understand. These thoughts of yours are distorted though. I mean, you’re only thinking of the good parts of the relationship. The truth is, if she were back with you, there’d be a lot of bad parts: you’d be worried that she’d bolt again (you said this earlier on this thread), she’d be pushing you aside and you’d be waiting, waiting, waiting (just like before), you wouldn’t be able to bring her around your friends because they all dislike her, you’d have to deal with her inability to communicate her feelings with you, you’d have to deal with all the changes that a person who loses a lot of weight experiences (she thinks differently now), etc. Do you really want all this?

Hi John,

So you never shared until today that your ex had had gastric bypass surgery (is that right?), and soon after she lost a lot of weight, she left you. I think that’s an important part of the story. It now makes more sense to me. After the weight loss, she was probably getting attention from more guys than before. She even told you that during the wedding weekend in Vegas a guy asked her to go back to his room with her and “make some bad decisions”. (Why she would even share that with you at all I don’t know, but maybe it’s because she was flattered by it and had to share it with others, even her boyfriend?) So, anyway, she starts pulling away from you until she finally breaks it off completely — boom — it’s over! And you blame yourself, even after discovering that this sort of behavior is somewhat common for people who lose a lot of weight after this particular surgery. When you ask for clarity, she tells you that you changed. What?? SHE changed! What you were doing was trying to prevent the inevitable from happening. I know, I know, you behaved in ways you wish you hadn’t, but I think it wouldn’t have mattered. She was moving on.

So the issue now is how to deal with brutal rejection by the woman of your dreams, the one you saw your future with. You shared that had it not been for your kids you may have taken your own life. The situation is devastating and would be for anyone, but maybe there is something about your past that makes this situation simply unbearable for you. You say you didn’t feel this way when your ex-wife left; well, it sounds like you were the one rejecting her; she wanted more of you and you wanted independence. And you didn’t have strong enough feelings for the other ladies you’ve dated, so again it was you rejected them. But your once-in-a-lifetime love has rejected you and it’s killin’ you. You were getting past this whole thing before deciding to contact her. How were you able to make progress back then? Can you remember?

B

I was just kidding about the lobotomy! Ok sounds good. -B

Hi John,

Did you read what nextsteps wrote to you a few days ago? It was good, thoughtful advice and you didn’t even acknowledge it. Others have given you advice too that I’m not sure you’ve acknowledged yet. And what about what anita wrote? Have you thought about what she said about your not wanting to look at what is really happening? If I were you I’d re-read that and all her questions from much earlier on this thread and then respond to them.

So what’s really happening? What’s the story with your older child, the one who’s expecting this fall? And why hadn’t you seen your sister in four years? I’m way out of my comfort zone now but I’ll continue what anita started much earlier on this thread: what’s your relationship like with your parents, siblings, children (all of them, not just the younger ones), coworkers, etc.? Seems like you have a lot of pain that has nothing at all to do with your ex, and there are a lot of well intentioned members on this forum who can help you if you let them.

B

Hi John,

I read through anita’s recent post and agree with her but would phrase it a little differently:

You met the woman of your dreams, but it’s unclear as to whether or not it was ever a solid, exclusive, romantic relationship. You fell in love with her and believed that she loved you too, but she never actually said those words to you. Regardless, being around her made you feel better about yourself. You suddenly had drive, motivation, and self-respect. This woman is not the typical type of woman you date, perhaps “out of your league”, as they say. More beautiful? Smarter? More independent? More successful?…whatever it is,  she elevated your status; you saw yourself differently, felt like a better man.  No woman before or since has ever made you feel that way about yourself, and when she moved on, you were back to seeing yourself the way you did before, which is now unbearable for you.

So I’m trying to figure out why a guy with so many great qualities feels so badly about himself.

Hope you are hanging in there.

On a lighter note, how was camping?

B

As I read this latest post from you I’m thinking “Uh-oh, he’s gonna pick up his phone and text her.” Don’t do it! You’re going to have these painful moments. You just have to get through them to get to the other side. That’s your goal — getting to the other side. What’s the other side? The place where your ex is just another person from your past who doesn’t affect you anymore. You’ll get there but you have to stop contacting her so that it can happen.

In your post before this last one you wrote this: The fact is she is “in love” with someone else.  Or she says she is. What do you mean “or she says she is”? I don’t get this. When someone tells me how she feels, I accept it at face value. But it seems to me that you think you may know what she is feeling better than she does. It’s like you tell yourself that even though she’s telling you that she loves someone else, she really loves you. And I believe you do this because the alternative is too painful for you, so you choose to believe in the fantasy. This kind of thinking only prolongs your suffering.

Here is something in yesterday’s text message to her that I would NOT have written:  If you ever do decide you do want to go down this road again I will be here. What the?!?! No, no, no, no. no.  The way I see it, if a guy doesn’t want to be with me, hasta la vista, baby! I’m outta there! He lost his chance! I’m no consolation prize; I’m the freaking blue ribbon! You need to start thinking of yourself as the freaking blue ribbon.

You say Hopefully someday i will be better.  You could be better today! It’s your way of thinking that’s prolonging your suffering. (Ok, stop. Now go back and read the above 3 sentences five more times before you continue.)

Ok, calling all you Tiny Buddha members who have gone through tough breakups but have made it to the other side: please share your story with John so he can see that he’ll get there too. Everyone gets rejected at some point…well, maybe not Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but everyone else. We’ve all had to get through it. You will too. (As long as you stop contacting her.)

John, I know I can write a post like this because I know you are a really good sport. 🙂

B