Hi Misanthrope,

What is the “dream job” you’ve referred to? I understand if you’d rather not share that here.

How did it come to be that you can write so well? Clear, credible, thought-provoking, concise and precise. If you wrote a newspaper column, I’d read it every single day.

B

That’s okay. No, not weird at all. A lot of guys aren’t sports guys. I was just trying to say to be careful what you watch because some TV shows will remind you of her. Hard to find anything romantic or sentimental in a basketball game.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You just have an overactive mind. A lot of people do. Don’t fight the negative thoughts. Let them come, but then let them go. The key is to become aware of what’s happening between your ears. Can you see that your thoughts are creating the your sadness? Once you recognize this, you’ve taken the first step to feeling better. The thoughts will keep coming, but you have the power to not follow them. They are trying to pull you in, but you can take a deep breath and not let it happen. Just say to yourself “Oh, there’s that thought again, trying to get me to follow it.”. Instead of following it, focus your attention on your breathing, or to the way your body feels, or what you can see or hear. Are the muscles in your neck, shoulders, jaw tense? Relax them. What do you hear? Birds? An airplane? A really loud leaf blower (ugh)? Listen to them. What do you see? A blue sky? The paint on the walls inside your home? A sink full of dirty dishes? Look at them, notice things about them. This will, for a very very brief moment, get you out of your head. Keep doing this and you will get better and better at it. Practice, practice, practice. The brief moment will then become a whole minute, then two minutes, etc. At one point you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about her for a while.

I didn’t make this stuff up. I learned it.

So you woke up this morning and memories instantly came flooding back. So this is what I’d do if this happened to me: I’d find my dog,  grab his leash, and take him for a walk outside. (I know you have dogs! :)) I’d pay attention to what I see, hear, and how I physically feel on my walk. If it’s breezy, I would really feel the breeze on my skin. If it’s sunny, I’d feel the warmth. I’d be aware of the negative thoughts that are trying to sabotage my presence, and I’d let them go. Anyway, that’s the first thing I’d do. I also wouldn’t drink any alcohol because it’s a depressant and will only make me feel worse.

It all starts with awareness of your negative thoughts. Are you aware of them?

You’re welcome! Nah, not such a long road. You’re doing fine! 🙂

Hi John,

Your negative thoughts are severely impacting your ability to function at work and other places. What are you going to do about this? You can either continue to replay this story in your head, scanning for answers, or you can simply accept it and decide to feel better. Your brain is on autopilot; grab the steering wheel! What a valuable opportunity for personal growth.

Wouldn’t it be great if a year from now you’re able to look back on this event as the catalyst for your self-improvement. In other words, this experience has the potential to teach you how to be happier, more peaceful, less reactive. Doesn’t that sound nice? Don’t waste this opportunity.

Take a deep breath. You’re going to get through this. Keep moving forward. 🙂

B

Hi John,

What if you could get off this roller coaster of obsessive thinking? That’s all it is. You think a sad thought and it then creates a sad emotion in you which then creates more sad thoughts/emotions, and the cycle continues, gaining momentum, like a roller coaster. What if you could just get off the roller coaster right now? You can.

You’re letting these sad thoughts pull you in, and down. What if you didn’t let that happen? Once a sad thought pops into your head, recognize it as just a thought, and instead of identifying with it and getting sucked into the sadness of it, just let it pass. The thoughts will then come and go and your emotions will remain unaffected by them. Imagine that for a second: not identifying with your thoughts, seeing them as random, unimportant objects that come and go. I know, I know, easier said than done, right? There are many books that can help you do this. One that comes to mind is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I read it many years ago. It’s a great book! It can help you. Maybe some Tiny Buddha members can recommend other books for you.

What’s causing your suffering is not the situation but your thoughts about it. Once you break the habit of obsessive thinking, you’ll feel so much better. Try it.

B

That may be exactly what happened. But this kind of thing happens in relationships. Feelings change. It doesn’t make her a bad person. This experience will make you stronger.

You’re making progress. Good job! Keep moving forward. 🙂

B

Thanks, anita! 🙂 That’s very nice of you to say to me. You are a quality person; that’s what I think of you.

Hi John! I hope you are hearing what anita is saying, not simply skimming over her words quickly, seeing only some of them. What you are getting is amazing advice FOR FREE. You shared that you didn’t get much attention from your mom growing up, and it clearly comes across in your posts that as an adult you desperately need people to pay attention to you. The attention makes you feel better about yourself. What I think anita is telling you is that this deep need of yours makes sense given the way you grew up. Maybe this knowledge will help you to understand why it’s so hard for you to go a week without getting a text message from your ex. Maybe it’s because you cannot bear that she isn’t paying attention to you. But you need to figure out a way to bear it. Quality psychoanalysis will help you. I mean, think about it: Everyone gets rejected. It’s hard for us all. But it may be even harder for you because of your upbringing. If you don’t learn how to cope with this, it’s going to keep happening in future relationships. You don’t want that.

Did you read what nextsteps wrote for you? She’s is a real person who understands your suffering because she’s experienced similar suffering, and she took time out of her day to share with you how she got through it:

The thing is, over time, it gets easier. But you barely notice it as it happens slowly. One day you’l wake up and you will not think about her or think about her and smile without all the emotions attached as they are now. To get to that stage you need to push yourself to move forward. You may not feel like doing anything but staying at home thinking about her but you need to. You’ll probably feel rubbish whilst doing it but afterward you’ll be proud of yourself. It’s action that gets things moving forward, and that’s what you need.

Now that’s what I call solid, practical advice! It’s action that gets things moving forward! If you are aware that you may have a personality thing that makes it even harder for you to cope with rejection, then you may need to work even harder to feel better again. What if there was a simple formula to it, a recipe to follow to help you feel better? You’d do it, right? Heck, I would! So go get the recipe! Talk to an expert! Also, I wish you would thank nextsteps and everyone else who gave you advice on this thread. I mean, how would you feel if you wrote to someone and she didn’t respond to what you had written? Hmm…I think I know the answer, so don’t do that to others.

Many, many, maybe even most people have personality traits/tendencies/ issues, or whatever you want to call them, that complicate their lives; not just you. It’s too bad that some are never able to accurately identify what their issue is. What if anita, today in her above post,  helped you identify yours? I’d call that a lucky break.

You’re a likeable guy, John. I hope that you’re able to briefly step outside of your agony over your ex to catch a glimpse of what may really be happening.

B