Dear Alex,

I’m so glad you reached out and posted your story on this forum. I read your post three times. I am another member here who is not qualified to council anyone. I can only communicate my instincts, personal experiences, and things that I have learned from others to you. I am a mom of three, one who is a young man your same age.

I believe that all the feelings you are having are very normal for someone who has experienced the stressful events that you have. I have learned through my studies that witnessing a traumatic event can damage a child or teenager more severely than a physical wound can, and the reason for this is because his or her development isn’t yet complete. My understanding is that it is common for young people who have been through tough experiences to be confused, have difficulty concentrating, feel guilt, shame, self-blame, sad, hopeless, or that something bad is going to happen. The good news, Alex, is that there are many professionals out there who are trained to help young people like you go on to live very happy lives. They are called “trauma experts” and they have studied different approaches to help people like you heal.

I believe that not all therapists are the same, so it might take some time to find the right one. It’s important that the therapist you select has a lot of experience treating patients who have experienced trauma. I know you stated that it isn’t easy for you to have the strength to talk about this stuff; that’s another very normal feeling to have. If you go see a therapist and you don’t feel comfortable opening up to that person, find a different therapist. The right therapist will make you feel safe, respected, and understood. Try to be patient while finding the right one.

You have left a huge impression on me, Alex. You are an intelligent, sincere, sensible young man. Better times are ahead for you. Stay away from drugs and alcohol to escape these difficult feelings. Keep posting here instead.

Brandy

Hi Franky,

I had to smile while reading your post. Reads to me that you have a pretty nice family. Families go through changes and periods of “disequilibrium”, and it’s all normal. Significant changes in a family start to happen when children go through adolescence which started in your family many years ago, and again through emerging adulthood (ages 18-25) which you are also past now. Emerging adulthood is the age of identity explorations when people explore possibilities in love and work. It’s also the time when many people leave their families of origin and transform themselves – make independent decisions about what kind of people they wish to be and realize that they are not made only in the parents’ images. (Emerging adulthood doesn’t exist in all cultures, and I’m not sure what your culture is.) At the same time that all these changes are happening  for the adult children in a family,  parents are typically going through midlife which also impacts  the family system. Midlife can be difficult as it’s considered a time when people feel less energy, may have a decline in health, feel less attractive, less creative. It’s also a time when they may reexamine their lives and feel very dissatisfied. All of these changes create tension between parents and their adult children, and relationships between them typically improve once the young people leave the home. It’s all normal.

You say, “I’m a point where I need some advice on how to handle my family and live my life however I want to live it and not through some complaints or unwanted help. Should I stand up for myself or should I let life find a way?” It may be time to start to think about leaving home, if possible. If this is not possible, talk to your parents about the way you feel, and listen to them when they tell you how they feel. Be aware and understanding of what each of you is going through. As far as your sister goes, if visiting her causes you distress, don’t visit her.

Hang in there, Franky. It gets better.

B

Hi Bonni_mor,

Very well said. Yep, I totally see your point.

B

Hi  Shrebex,

You are very welcome, and thank you! 🙂

B

Hi LJDilemma,

How unfortunate that your ex-friend has hurt your reputation in your community. This is a painful thing to have to go through. I agree with the way you’re handling this, that you shouldn’t talk about this situation with the friend you ran into today. I have some experience with moms and their cliquey nature.  I believe that anything you say will be repeated, and perhaps inaccurately. Information will then get back to the one who started the rumors, fueling the fire, and things will only escalate from there. People love gossip and drama, unfortunately.  I also believe you shouldn’t confront the original gossiper because you cannot trust what she will tell others. In my opinion, the better tactic is to take the high road and stay quiet about the entire issue. Walk away from it. Stay busy, move on, engage in activities where you’ll meet new friends, and eventually you will get to a place where you won’t care about what these people think. And you know what? The truth will eventually come out. I believe that. If you allow people to think what they’re going to think, and you refuse to badmouth the original friend, people will notice and respect that. It may take months, but it’ll happen. People will start to question the character of the original gossiper. They will also admire your strength.

So to answer your question of how to politely decline your friend’s request to talk, I would say “Thanks, but no. Now isn’t a good time.”

Hang in there, LJDilemma.

B

Hi Heartbrokengurl,

I just now read through this thread and see that Anita and Eliana are giving you such thoughtful and excellent advice, as they always do. I understand that today is Day 3 of your of not hearing from him and that you are feeling frustrated and disappointed and had a panic attack last night. In my opinion, Anita really hit in the nail on the head when she wrote, “This is an opportunity for you to endure that anxiety, of not knowing where you are with him, because if it comes to it that he tells you what you want to hear, you will still need to deal with the anxiety of losing that place.” I personally do not think it’s a good idea for you to contact him, as difficult as that may be for you. Continue resisting the need to reach out to him to ask him what he meant, as you already said that you know this is the right thing to do. He knows where you stand, and he told you that he’s not ready. As confusing as your meeting with him last Sunday must be for you, he didn’t say the two  important words I think you’re hoping for: “I’m ready.” I think the sooner you accept this and sit with those difficult feelings, the better for you emotionally. I’m sorry if this is not the advice you’re looking for. If I were in your situation, I think I would revisit the idea you had earlier about telling him that seeing him is too hard for you right now. I understand that not seeing him will also be very hard for you, but I believe there are three potential upsides to it: 1) You will become stronger emotionally and this will feel very good 2) He will respect you for doing what you need to do 3) He may miss you and realize “he’s ready”.

He obviously has strong feelings for you, but this isn’t enough. You deserve more. Seriously, you have a lot to offer this guy! Give him some time away from you to figure it out.

Dear Janet,

I am so sad to read your post. Pearce Hawk’s posts were filled with so much wisdom and love. He had much to say, and I looked forward to reading every word. Anita is right, this is devastating news for our Tiny Buddha community. I sincerely hope you know that we are here for you as you grieve the loss of your beloved fiance, Pearce Hawk, who helped so many on this site. I am so sorry.

Brandy