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BrandyParticipantHi Shrebex,
You are very welcome, and thank you! 🙂
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BrandyParticipantHi Shrebex,
Yep, I’d feel the same way you do! I mean, you make a lot of sense to me. The way I understand it, you acknowledged to him that you mistreated him and that you intend to change your behavior; at that time he expressed that he didn’t want to continue a romantic relationship with you; you maturely accepted his decision, as painful as it was for you; he wished to keep in touch with you but you honestly (and wisely, in my opinion) told him that due to your feelings for him, you’re unable to do that; after 2 weeks you put out a “feeler” email telling him that you were going to work on yourself, but he was sticking to his decision; so you removed him from all your social media in an attempt to move on with your life; 3.5 months later he contacts your friend to ask how you are doing.
Knowing him as well as you do, do you think that he anticipated beforehand that your friend was going to tell you that he asked about you and that he wants to know what your reaction upon hearing that news from her is? Maybe he’s not interested in getting back together but wants to know if you are still pining for him. Or maybe not. It’s hard to know what his motivation could be, but I say bravo to you for making a series of good decisions throughout this breakup process. My two cents: maybe try to do your best to carry on as if he hadn’t contacted your friend, continue your healing and working on yourself.
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BrandyParticipantHi LJDilemma,
How unfortunate that your ex-friend has hurt your reputation in your community. This is a painful thing to have to go through. I agree with the way you’re handling this, that you shouldn’t talk about this situation with the friend you ran into today. I have some experience with moms and their cliquey nature. I believe that anything you say will be repeated, and perhaps inaccurately. Information will then get back to the one who started the rumors, fueling the fire, and things will only escalate from there. People love gossip and drama, unfortunately. I also believe you shouldn’t confront the original gossiper because you cannot trust what she will tell others. In my opinion, the better tactic is to take the high road and stay quiet about the entire issue. Walk away from it. Stay busy, move on, engage in activities where you’ll meet new friends, and eventually you will get to a place where you won’t care about what these people think. And you know what? The truth will eventually come out. I believe that. If you allow people to think what they’re going to think, and you refuse to badmouth the original friend, people will notice and respect that. It may take months, but it’ll happen. People will start to question the character of the original gossiper. They will also admire your strength.
So to answer your question of how to politely decline your friend’s request to talk, I would say “Thanks, but no. Now isn’t a good time.”
Hang in there, LJDilemma.
B
BrandyParticipantHeartbrokengurl,
You are so right. It’s hard to walk away from someone you love. You’re taking that important first step, though: accepting that he isn’t ready to give you what you want. If you’re like me, one moment you may tell yourself “I can do this!”, and then the next you may say “Oh, but I miss him, I want to see him, hang out with him right now, I love him!” Let the thoughts pass — they always do. Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath or get outside for brisk walk. Contact a friend to grab a cup of coffee with. Reach out to someone you care about but haven’t seen in a while. Watch a good movie. Write down personal goals you have outside of this relationship or things that inspire you. Surround yourself with people who support you. If you are someone who likes to work out, hit they gym! Take one day (or really one moment) at a time. See what happens.
BrandyParticipantHi Heartbrokengurl,
I just now read through this thread and see that Anita and Eliana are giving you such thoughtful and excellent advice, as they always do. I understand that today is Day 3 of your of not hearing from him and that you are feeling frustrated and disappointed and had a panic attack last night. In my opinion, Anita really hit in the nail on the head when she wrote, “This is an opportunity for you to endure that anxiety, of not knowing where you are with him, because if it comes to it that he tells you what you want to hear, you will still need to deal with the anxiety of losing that place.” I personally do not think it’s a good idea for you to contact him, as difficult as that may be for you. Continue resisting the need to reach out to him to ask him what he meant, as you already said that you know this is the right thing to do. He knows where you stand, and he told you that he’s not ready. As confusing as your meeting with him last Sunday must be for you, he didn’t say the two important words I think you’re hoping for: “I’m ready.” I think the sooner you accept this and sit with those difficult feelings, the better for you emotionally. I’m sorry if this is not the advice you’re looking for. If I were in your situation, I think I would revisit the idea you had earlier about telling him that seeing him is too hard for you right now. I understand that not seeing him will also be very hard for you, but I believe there are three potential upsides to it: 1) You will become stronger emotionally and this will feel very good 2) He will respect you for doing what you need to do 3) He may miss you and realize “he’s ready”.
He obviously has strong feelings for you, but this isn’t enough. You deserve more. Seriously, you have a lot to offer this guy! Give him some time away from you to figure it out.
BrandyParticipantHi Inky,
No, I wouldn’t see a shrink or get Xanax. Yes, I think it’s a normal reaction, and yes, I do the same with certain people. I say honor your spirit/emotions on this one. You shouldn’t tolerate being anywhere you don’t want to be.
There are different reasons why I do this kind of thing. One person I avoid because she has gossiped about me (and a lot of other people too), so I refuse to give her a reason to do that again. If we’re never around each other, what can she possibly say?? Also, being around her makes me remember the whole situation and I get angry all over again. Another person I avoid because he constantly stares in a flirty, checking-me-out way — from across a room, from up close, from everywhere. Too creepy and weird b/c I’m married and he’s friends with my husband. A third person I avoid because she’s like “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh — everything is negative, everyone has an ulterior motive, no one treats her the way she wants to be treated. Listening to it is exhausting and brings me down. These are the three people in my life that cause my whole body to say “NOPE!”, and I leave the scene. You’re fine, Inky.
Brandy
BrandyParticipantDear Janet,
I am so sad to read your post. Pearce Hawk’s posts were filled with so much wisdom and love. He had much to say, and I looked forward to reading every word. Anita is right, this is devastating news for our Tiny Buddha community. I sincerely hope you know that we are here for you as you grieve the loss of your beloved fiance, Pearce Hawk, who helped so many on this site. I am so sorry.
Brandy
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 