Hi Ry,

Congratulations on finishing grad school, an impressive accomplishment and one to be very proud of!

The loneliness that inevitably occurs after a break-up is difficult even for those surrounded by a large group of supportive friends and loving family members, but you are in a new and small town with no support system. If there was no lockdown and you were going to work each day, I presume you’d be interacting with co-workers, meeting new people, getting your mind off past relationships, and moving forward, but the pandemic has made that nearly impossible. During this challenging time we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. We need to reach out to others often like you are doing through your telehealth and in-person counseling sessions, but also with friends, family members, coworkers, or through online forums. The more people we can connect with each day, the better. But most important for me is the conversation I have with myself before I get out of bed each morning about how I see my day unfolding. For example, I’ll think… first I’ll exercise (i run and swim), then I’ll do my morning meditation (20 minutes), then I’ll knock off all those things I need to accomplish that day. Seems so simple, right? Well, not really because I know that I’ll also have distressing thoughts throughout the day (regrets, worries, etc.) that will interfere with my progress and leave me feeling bad. So I’ll remind myself that when those thoughts surface, I’ll be ready for them. I’ll take some slow deep breaths and let them pass. Sometimes I’ll need to physically walk outside, feel the sunshine on my face, see the beautiful blue sky, listen to the birds chirping, and I’ll make my way back, outside of my head and in a better place, ready to continue my day. Maybe this is something you could try too, Ry.

B

Hi JoJo,

You are welcome, and I agree that the manufacturer of the beige swim shorts is at fault. I’ve noticed myself that many of the products I purchase now are of much lower quality than they were many years ago, especially clothing. For example, trying to find a hooded sweatshirt that’s 100% cotton is challenging these days. Most are a polyester blend — it’s disappointing! Anyway, I’m glad your relationship with your neighbor continues to be a good one. Having a friendly, considerate neighbor really goes a long way.

B

Hi Carol,

“He’s told me people don’t have these conversations until they’ve been together a few years.” A 34 year old woman who sees children in her future can’t wait a few years before having these conversations. He should know this. Everyone knows this.

“He feels he has commitment issues.” A lot of people, both men and women, have commitment issues. Sometimes that means that they’re afraid that after they commit to someone, the “right one” will come along. You don’t want a guy who wants you because “he doesn’t want to die alone”; you want a guy who wants you because you’re the right one! If he needs therapy to figure out that you’re the right one, let him get therapy, but don’t wait around.

One idea is to consider freezing eggs to take the pressure off you with regards to those precious children who are in your future.

B

You are welcome, JoJo, and Anita’s pun made me chuckle too. I think the humor in this situation far outweighs any seriousness. 🙂

B

Hi limbikanimaria,

If I were you, I’d wouldn’t immediately pull the plug on getting to know him but I would proceed with caution. It’s possible that he messed up with that one question and that he’s actually not superficial; time will tell. Your response to his strange question was perfect, by the way. I love that you called him on it, established your boundaries with him early on. You may have taught him something. I say try your best to let it go and see what happens.

B

Hi limbikanimaria,

Here’s my outsider perspective: After one week of talking with this guy, his asking to see your abs is a sure sign that physical fitness is very important to him in a potential partner.

B

Hi Juanita,

I hope you don’t mind my sharing my thoughts about your situation on this thread that you’ve addressed to Anita. I agree that this can be a “turning point” for you, an opportunity for real growth.

You were experiencing great distress, feeling ill with difficulties breathing, your body reacting from the sounds and smells of your traumatic past, so you sat in your garden to calm yourself and your senses slowly shifted to the beauty of your surroundings, breathing became easier, you started to feel safe and happy, your trauma symptoms lifted. You realized that you’ll be okay in spite of your unbearable history. You were at peace.

Later that same day you received a phone call from a friend who informed you of some hurtful things your neighbor had said about you behind your back. Feelings of rejection and worries of becoming an outcast in the community overwhelmed you. You no longer felt safe and happy. The peace you had felt was now gone.

What a perfect opportunity to practice what you learned earlier that day: no matter how distressing your situation, you have the ability to return to that place of safety, happiness, peace. It’s always at your fingertips.

Difficult situations will continue to present themselves. The more opportunities we’re given to practice mindfulness the stronger we’ll become. It’s liberating to realize that life’s struggles can no longer derail us,  empowering to find ourselves on the other side of a  crisis — to encounter your backbiting neighbor and have no negative feelings toward her. You’ve been there; now you need to return there as often as possible, but it takes commitment and focus.

To answer your question, I would keep my distance from my neighbor but if by chance we do happen to cross paths, I would be sincerely warm and friendly, send her the love that she so clearly is lacking.

B