Hi KC,

Just to clarify, you’re asking me why he would make a reference about choosing to shave that area, right? It’s hard to know for sure. Maybe he feels there’s a cultural expectation that masculine men wouldn’t concern themselves with shaving that area,  and maybe he’s been conflicted about this for some time. There’s strong social pressure for men to be a certain way and being seen as less masculine can be terrifying for some guys, I’m thinking. Or I could be totally wrong, but if he feels he’s been “outed” as less masculine than he would like to be seen, I guess I would understand his reaction, but I still think you did the right thing.

B

Hi Felix,

I don’t think you should message her at this time.

Every single day around the world girls are falling for guys who are short, shy, and have small families, so these aren’t relationship deal-breakers, but if this girl responds positively to your message, your fear of rejection will not disappear. Neither will your insecurities about being short. And neither will your doubts about your family. This girl is not going to fix you.

If you’re comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life, you’ll feel less fear when approaching a girl because in the event that she rejects you, you’ll still be comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life. Conversely, if you lack focus and find yourself and your life unbearable, you’ll feel considerable fear when approaching a girl because if she rejects you, you’re back to square one, still lacking focus and stuck all alone inside your unbearable self and life.

…and if she doesn’t reject you, your happiness will be short-lived because you’ll always be worried that she will wake up one morning and suddenly see you the same way you see yourself. Your insecurities will not disappear once you’re in a relationship.

You ask “how do I fix this?”:

1) Make a list of the qualities you admire most and then decide to be that person. These may include integrity, honesty, resilience, kindness, humility, sense of humor, or not, but make the list. Focus on being the person you want to be starting right now.

2) Meditate daily and educate yourself on mindfulness. The more mindful you are, the less you will suffer.

3) Exercise vigorously every day.

4) Be patient. Give it time. See what happens.

Your problems are fixable. Fix them first, then message her.

B

Hi Serife,

I need to do a better job at proofreading my posts before submitting them. I just now re-read what I had written earlier and it doesn’t read how I wish it did. While I do believe that many people are looking to elevate their status through their relationships, I also believe that many others are not and that those are the friends to find.

You say “In my personal life someone could be outgoing, athletic or intelligent and people would still gravitate to other people.” It could be that those particular people don’t value the outgoing, athletic, and intelligent qualities as much as they do other qualities. When I was your age most of my peers seemed drawn toward those who were having the most fun, you know, those organizing parties on the weekends, buying groups of tickets to live concerts, etc. And to be totally honest they were usually the most attractive and the most popular in my high school.

But not all friendships start this way. You’ll know it when it happens, when you meet someone you connect with who is excited to get to know you and be your friend just because of the person you are. Connections like this don’t happen every day. That’s what makes them special.

You ask “do u think this need for approval by people with higher status comes from the need to feel ‘protected’ or to conform to social standards?” I’d say the latter. I think people see social status as something that greatly affects their quality of life. By conforming to social standards they are essentially avoiding negative responses from the people they’re trying to align themselves with. What do you think?

B

Hi Felix,

Along with Anita’s suggestions above I suggest you give your mind a break by meditating for 20 minutes three times a day, every single day. Give it a try and stick to it no matter what for at least a couple months. See what happens.

B

Hi anita,

Wanted to let you know that I’m still reading this thread and finding it very useful. I’ve done my own research on all the topics you’re discussing here and it feels good to read it back from someone in her own words who did her own research using her own sources. I think you and I are on the same page.

My grandparents were very young adults during the Spanish flu pandemic and I find myself wishing I had asked them about it before they passed. I remember the concerned looks on my grandmother’s face whenever anyone in my family would get a common head cold. She seemed so overly concerned to me. Makes more sense to me now.

B

Hi anita,

I don’t understand why my earlier post today is awaiting moderation. It may be because I copied and pasted from two recent online newspaper articles (Washington Post and NY Magazine) and of course gave credit to those publications and enclosed what was copied inside quotation marks and within italics, but my paste operation may have triggered the required modification anyway?

There are recent reports that scientists are finding that COVID-19 does not mutate quickly at all and may respond to only one vaccine (as opposed to the influenza vaccine which changes each year). Johns Hopkins University is one source of this information.

B

Hi anita,

I watch the news and the coronavirus “curves” that we’re all trying to flatten but I think none of us really knows what’s happening and that we won’t until the general public takes the COVID-19 antibody tests. The antibody test will tell us if the virus has ever entered our bodies, as opposed to the COVID-19 standard test which measures if the actual virus is present in our bodies at any particular moment in time. The antibody test makes more sense to me because it will reveal if the virus has already entered the bodies of many more people than we think, thus lowering the mortality rate of this virus.

It’s believed that the first cases of COVID-19 were seen on Nov. 17, 2019 in Wuhan, China yet daily flights continued from China to the US from Nov 17, 2019 through Jan 31, 2020 (that’s 2.5 months) before the travel ban began (I’m not placing blame on anyone; just stating facts). That’s a lot of flights and a lot of people traveling from China to the US! It’s believed that the first COVID-19 case in the US occurred when a Washington state man in his 30’s returned home on Jan 15, 2020 from Wuhan and sought medical treatment when he started to experience pneumonia-type symptoms. But knowing what we know about how highly contagious this virus is, isn’t it likely that others who were infected but perhaps had milder symptoms were on some of those many flights to the US from China before the travel ban began? In other words, isn’t it likely that many more Americans were already infected but didn’t know it before the sick WA state man arrived? It may be that this WA man was the first person in the US who experienced serious COVID-19 symptoms, not the first person in the US with COVID-19.

This is important because it tells us 1) how dangerous this virus is and 2) who should be back at work helping to stimulate the economy. People may say “People are dying! Of course it’s dangerous!”, but I’d like to know how the virus relates to common influenza which kills tens of thousands in the US each year. In mid-January I myself experienced a dry cough and mild shortness of breath that I attributed to just some random virus that I picked up during the cold/flu season, which indeed it may have been, but I wonder if a COVID-19 antibody test would show otherwise. My symptoms started exactly two months after the first COVID-19 cases were discovered in Wuhan and daily flights were continuing out of China to the US. If I have the antibodies (and I have fully recovered btw) then shouldn’t I be back at work helping the economy? And shouldn’t everyone else who has the antibodies be doing the same, and eating out at restaurants, and out purchasing from retailers that are closed because of this crisis?

I’m aware that there’s concern about re-infection, that some people may be getting the virus again after they’ve “healed” from it, but I think we need to take that off the table for now because what I’ve read is that these folks may have never truly healed the first time after all, and that more testing is needed to know for sure.

B

Hi Gustavo,

You are welcome.

Budding romances usually aren’t this difficult. I predict that the less interest you show in her, the more attention she’ll try to get from you. It’s like Anita said earlier: Many women enjoy a man’s special attention even if they are not interested in the man that way: they enjoy being wanted.

B