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BrandyParticipantHi Eve,
The Dalai Lama teaches that the ultimate source of happiness is our mental attitude. I’m not a Buddist and I know very little about the Dalai Lama but what he’s saying makes sense to me. I realize that given your sadness and disappointment it’s pretty much impossible to have any other attitude than the one you currently have but maybe the change starts with self-forgiveness. You’re judging yourself as a bad person who deserves her suffering but I don’t see you that way. Millions of women find themselves in relationships with unhappily married men who intend to leave their wives but never do for all kinds of reasons including financial. Your situation isn’t unique. For 10 years you stuck by this man, believed him, loved him, but you’ve ultimately come to the painful decision to cut your losses, to step out of a situation that is no longer working for you. Yay, Eve! Bravo to you! You’re now back on track and worthy of happiness. Even people who make mistakes are worthy of peace, joy, and love because guess what: everyone makes mistakes.
It all begins with believing that you are worthy of a life free of all this damn suffering. The past is gone. Let it go. Your sweet kids who love you very much have their awesome mom back — today is a great day!
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BrandyParticipantHi anita,
Wanted to let you know that I’m still reading this thread and finding it very useful. I’ve done my own research on all the topics you’re discussing here and it feels good to read it back from someone in her own words who did her own research using her own sources. I think you and I are on the same page.
My grandparents were very young adults during the Spanish flu pandemic and I find myself wishing I had asked them about it before they passed. I remember the concerned looks on my grandmother’s face whenever anyone in my family would get a common head cold. She seemed so overly concerned to me. Makes more sense to me now.
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BrandyParticipantHi anita,
Maybe it’s best for you and anyone else who is following this thread to research the topic of COVID-19 mutation rate on their own instead of me posting from various publications. Then we can discuss our own conclusions.
From what I’ve read, I think it’s possible that those who are shown to have COVID-19 antibodies have a good chance of not being infected (or re-infected which may be the case for some) by the virus this season. But I understand that the info is fluid and may be different tomorrow.
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BrandyParticipantHi anita,
I don’t understand why my earlier post today is awaiting moderation. It may be because I copied and pasted from two recent online newspaper articles (Washington Post and NY Magazine) and of course gave credit to those publications and enclosed what was copied inside quotation marks and within italics, but my paste operation may have triggered the required modification anyway?
There are recent reports that scientists are finding that COVID-19 does not mutate quickly at all and may respond to only one vaccine (as opposed to the influenza vaccine which changes each year). Johns Hopkins University is one source of this information.
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BrandyParticipantSounds good, anita. Also, I was thinking, perhaps the general public needs both tests: 1) the standard test to prove that at this moment in time they are not infected (so they can’t unknowingly infect someone else including high-risk people), and 2) the antibody test to prove that they have the antibodies needed to fight off the virus in the event that they come into contact with someone who is infected. If they pass both tests then they should be good to go! Does that make sense?
BrandyParticipantHi anita,
I watch the news and the coronavirus “curves” that we’re all trying to flatten but I think none of us really knows what’s happening and that we won’t until the general public takes the COVID-19 antibody tests. The antibody test will tell us if the virus has ever entered our bodies, as opposed to the COVID-19 standard test which measures if the actual virus is present in our bodies at any particular moment in time. The antibody test makes more sense to me because it will reveal if the virus has already entered the bodies of many more people than we think, thus lowering the mortality rate of this virus.
It’s believed that the first cases of COVID-19 were seen on Nov. 17, 2019 in Wuhan, China yet daily flights continued from China to the US from Nov 17, 2019 through Jan 31, 2020 (that’s 2.5 months) before the travel ban began (I’m not placing blame on anyone; just stating facts). That’s a lot of flights and a lot of people traveling from China to the US! It’s believed that the first COVID-19 case in the US occurred when a Washington state man in his 30’s returned home on Jan 15, 2020 from Wuhan and sought medical treatment when he started to experience pneumonia-type symptoms. But knowing what we know about how highly contagious this virus is, isn’t it likely that others who were infected but perhaps had milder symptoms were on some of those many flights to the US from China before the travel ban began? In other words, isn’t it likely that many more Americans were already infected but didn’t know it before the sick WA state man arrived? It may be that this WA man was the first person in the US who experienced serious COVID-19 symptoms, not the first person in the US with COVID-19.
This is important because it tells us 1) how dangerous this virus is and 2) who should be back at work helping to stimulate the economy. People may say “People are dying! Of course it’s dangerous!”, but I’d like to know how the virus relates to common influenza which kills tens of thousands in the US each year. In mid-January I myself experienced a dry cough and mild shortness of breath that I attributed to just some random virus that I picked up during the cold/flu season, which indeed it may have been, but I wonder if a COVID-19 antibody test would show otherwise. My symptoms started exactly two months after the first COVID-19 cases were discovered in Wuhan and daily flights were continuing out of China to the US. If I have the antibodies (and I have fully recovered btw) then shouldn’t I be back at work helping the economy? And shouldn’t everyone else who has the antibodies be doing the same, and eating out at restaurants, and out purchasing from retailers that are closed because of this crisis?
I’m aware that there’s concern about re-infection, that some people may be getting the virus again after they’ve “healed” from it, but I think we need to take that off the table for now because what I’ve read is that these folks may have never truly healed the first time after all, and that more testing is needed to know for sure.
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BrandyParticipantHi anita!
I appreciate this thread very much. I find myself doing what you are doing, self-educating to make sense of what’s happening. It’s nice to be able to post our thoughts and feelings about this situation.
You wrote in your 4th post that there were no new coronavirus cases and deaths in Italy today (Sat 3/21; it’s evening in Italy right now). I found this (posted by The Guardian about 1 hour ago): In the past 24 hours the coronavirus death toll in Lombardy, Italy’s worst-affected region, has risen by more than by 546 to 3,095, according to official figures.
Not sure which report is accurate but I thought I’d put it out there anyway. My information may be wrong. Also, it’s not my intention to create fear; just searching for facts. Going to read your 5th post later today.
Hope you’re doing well, anita.
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(10:23am Saturday my time)
BrandyParticipantHi Gustavo,
You are welcome.
Budding romances usually aren’t this difficult. I predict that the less interest you show in her, the more attention she’ll try to get from you. It’s like Anita said earlier: Many women enjoy a man’s special attention even if they are not interested in the man that way: they enjoy being wanted.
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BrandyParticipantHi Gustavo,
You are getting great advice from Anita. I hope you don’t mind my sharing my thoughts because after reading your latest post I would like to.
I haven’t gone out with another girl because I did wanted to see were this could go, but I still don’t believe it would be something bad if I did because right now we are nothing.
Gustavo, after your honest and transparent letter to her about your feelings, she made it clear to you that she wasn’t interested in a relationship with you. This means you are free to date other girls. So if you’ve been dating other girls, you would have been doing nothing wrong. But you haven’t been dating other girls and she doesn’t believe you and is calling you a liar. Gustavo, this isn’t rational behavior from her. I hope you can see this objectively. This girl is emotionally unstable.
But it hurts me that she believes that I’m actually hiding this and lying to her, that she believes I really haven’t been transparent with her.
Gustavo, she actually does not believe that you are hiding this or lying to her. This is a story she has fabricated. She knows you are an honest, sincere and transparent person. What’s happening is this: She knows you have caught on to the manipulative game that she’s been playing with you, and so to “save face” and protect her ego she is turning it around to make you the one at fault. It’s easier for people to place blame on others than it is to admit their own mistakes. Anger is an easier emotion than guilt and shame. With your calling her out, she felt backed into a corner, so she’s lashing out at you. You’ve done nothing wrong, Gustavo. In fact, you’ve done everything right! If you were my own son I would be so proud of the way you’ve handled yourself with this unstable, irrational, manipulative girl.
Gustavo, you’ve dodged a bullet here. I’m relieved for you that this girl showed you her true colors before you invested any more time into this friendship. Don’t engage one second longer in this fabricated story of hers. Hold your head up high and walk away from this. There’s a girl out there who is just as honest, sincere and transparent as you. You will find her.
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BrandyParticipantHi Thirst-of-validation,
You were clear that you don’t want a virtual or physical relationship with him, yet he sends you half-nude pics and asks to see your curves. How would your husband feel about this? And how would you feel if your husband had a female friend who was sending him half-nude pics and wanting a physical relationship with him?
Take it from someone who’s been married many years, let this friendship go. This guy’s trouble.
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BrandyParticipantHi Janine,
I act in some pretty strange ways sometimes that would give people reason to fire me and also block me.
Well, let me just say that after he made his “joke”, I don’t find the way you acted to be strange at all. I don’t care for that kind of joke either, and like you, I also would not want to be sexually intimate with someone who makes inappropriate jokes like that about his partners. So your reaction makes sense to me.
And he feels hurt and betrayed that you find his humor to be in bad taste? Well, his humor IS in bad taste! Maybe he will learn to keep those kinds of jokes to himself next time.
So when you say “I act in some pretty strange ways sometimes” please explain because I don’t see anything strange in your behavior in the above situation. Can you give me a couple examples of you acting strange in situations?
What I was saying earlier about making progress each day toward your goals, let’s say one of your goals is to completely organize your living space. Depending on the state of your apartment, this task may become totally overwhelming and you may not know where to even start. What I like to do is divide large overwhelming tasks into small, doable chunks, and complete one small chunk each day. So before I get out of bed in the morning I’ll decide exactly which chunk I’m going to accomplish that day. Maybe it’s to get through the mound of paperwork on my desk. So I’ll turn on some music while I’m sorting through my paperwork, and what usually happens is I become so pleased with my clean, organized desk that I’m suddenly inspired to make more progress in other areas on the following days. The more progress I make the more motivated I become to continue. But you need to be disciplined about it, committed to making a little progress day. It’s a great feeling to come home to a tidy, organized living space.
You can also use this type of practice to get to where you want to be in your career. Maybe you see yourself working as a seamstress. So you collect information on how to get there and you then make a plan. If your plan seems overwhelming you can break it into small chunks and complete one chunk each day. Some days don’t work out as expected, but that’s okay because the next day may be better so you accept that it was a bad day and then you get right back on track. Keep at it. Keep moving forward by completing small, doable chunks. It feels good to make progress toward a goal, even when the progress is slow. The more progress you make, the more motivated you’ll become.
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BrandyParticipantHi Janine,
Thanks for answering my questions. You are very good at explaining things through your writing. I’ll have some time tomorrow (Sunday) to write back. 🙂
Do you know exactly what you said to him that made him feel hurt and mistrust you?
I agree with Lara that you’ve been so brave and open here, and she’s so right about that job, and also that you need someone in your corner to support you, and I love what Anita is saying about first trusting yourself and then finding the motivation to develop your life.
I’m proud of you for reaching out here.
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BrandyParticipantHi Janine,
I’m glad you wrote back. When you acknowledged what I wrote it made me feel appreciated and valued. So I now look forward to interacting with you. This is how it works in friendships too.
I will do a better job of explaining what I mean with regards to making daily progress on your goals but before I do I’d like to understand exactly why last night you were fired from your job? And also why do you think your friend blocked you today?
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BrandyParticipantHi Janine,
You haven’t wasted my time, and there’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
When our goals are fuzzy and we find ourselves floating through life, we look for validation from others, and when we don’t get it we feel like failures. But when we’re motivated and inspired by our own personal dreams, working toward our own goals, we care less about what others think. By staying focused, making a little progress each day, we feel good about ourselves.
What are your goals? What are your dreams? Write them down.
When you wake each morning, decide on one thing that you will do that day to get closer to achieving one goal. Just one thing, and then commit to doing that one thing that day. When you go to sleep that night, you’ll feel better about yourself.
If you do this regularly, it will become a habit. It will change your life. You’ll see.
It feels good to be committed to achieving a goal. Try it. I believe in you, Janine.
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BrandyParticipantHi Gustavo,
After 3 months of going out with her it’s natural to want to express your feelings, so you’ve done nothing wrong by sending the letter. But yes, you need to completely let her go because in doing so you’re demonstrating that her happiness is more important to you than your own. It’ll also reveal your strong character, and the stronger a person’s character, the more attractive he becomes.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 