Anita,

I hope you have been well. This will be a long post. I took a break from writing for a bit. My mantras past couple of days have been:

1. Be kind

2. Focus on one thing

3. I can have that life that I have wanted

I realized something huge, and I would like to share it with you.

The anger i described to you with C – I have not done that with others. She is the only one. That is why it was very surprising to me. I knew there must be something else – however, i tend to always put the focus on me being that one that is doing the negative. I figured something out. C provokes me. Her insecurities diffuse into me, causing me to erupt.

Let me explain. My sister and I are sponges. We absorb everyone’s energy around us. When people are upset, when they have problems, we are unable to not make them our own. My sister and I both work with patients – and we do not behave this way at work. In our personal lives, we do. When someone is struggling, my sister and I SELF-ASSUME the responsibility to solve the issue/save the person/better the circumstances. Where does this come from? We have been solely responsible for keeping my mother “alive” in a sense. We are her problem solvers. Even when she had an affair, it was up to my sister and I to fix the situation. This is how I am programmed.

For example, I am unable to be out at a restaurant with a girl who I have met (literally 5 minutes ago) is talking about her horrible boyfriend without fully immersing myself in the situation – becoming anxious, becoming upset, making it my responsibility. If someone around me is feeling insecure or unhappy, I am unable to not feel that way. I do not have my own feelings or behaviors – they are all influenced by others around me.

Now I will type out very trivial, tiny, tiny small details about things that provoke me about C. It is the small stuff that irks me and causes anger. Some of these will be descriptions of C, followed by a quote said by her. You will understand as you go along.

1. Always wears makeup. Always does hair – never leaves house without doing hair. has been late many times due to changing of outfits and hair. “I am such a boy. I don’t care about anything or wearing makeup”

2. “I dont’ care. I am just go with the flow and really spontaneous.” – She is not

3. We are out at clubs together – I ask her if she wants a drink. “You can, but I don’t need a drink to have fun”

4. “I don’t really want to drink tonight.” Orders drinks immediately when she gets to the restaurant.

5. While we were hiking, we let people pass us as we went down since we are new hikers and not as fast as others. I said – hold on I am letting people pass as she zoomed away. C said, “Who cares about other people. Just keep going.” Meanwhile, 5 minutes later, she asks me to stop since people are behind us.

6. “I avoid fast food restaurants you know? That’s a bad habit.” “Hey, before I come over I am gonna go to Mcdonalds.” If questioned about this, her response is very defensive.

7. We were planning on doing a girls celebration for Valentine’s day and had talked about it. The other night I asked with an excited tone – so what are we going to do for valentines day! C states, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think that far. I despise that holiday.” I stated – well I was just asking since we already talked about it. No response. This has happened many times – where she condescendingly puts me down and states “I don’t think that far” – implying she is spontaneous and lives in the moment. I do not think its condescending to me personally on purpose, I believe she says these things out loud for herself. Good for her, but I do not feel like being a part of her up and downs.

8. Wearing heels and dress to go out. Cannot reach her shoes because of her dress, so I help her buckle them. “I’m such a boy sometimes!” – No C, you are not a boy. You are dressed, in the pure definition, like the girliest girl.

9. Makes very sarcastic jokes that are 80% mean – then puts me down if I get offended. I believe she makes these jokes to sound cool/be cool – but they are not funny, they are just condescending statements.

10. Consistently – to an abnormal amount – comments on how short I am. (she is quite tall for a girl). Makes comments all the time about my height – and it is getting to the point where it almost feels like bullying – it is not really jokes because it is not funny in any way shape or form (and trust me, my sister and I have a great sense of humor – something that has helped us survive!!!). We went grocery shopping, the cookie dough was on the bottom shelf. I said – oh here it is! C states, “Oh you can see that. I don’t see stuff like that. My natural gaze just would not go that low.” I almost laugh when she says this. I say – well, there’s a bunch of people who are taller than you in the world (she is 5’7) and I am sure someone who is 6 foot has bought this cookie dough. I don’t think it has to do with height. I just saw it. C states, “Nah, I wouldn’t see that hahaha. I am too tall.”

11. Now this one will sound…very mean. Anita, you know I do not sugarcoat. For others reading this, they will probably think I am so horrible! But hey, tiny buddha is made for allowing us to share our darkest thoughts, right!? Anyway, I know for sure it is also hard for me to not get irked around her because, truth be told, she is just not as intelligent as me. (Phew, I said it.) It has taken me a while to realize this – I always felt too conceited to admit such a thing. But I get it now. Her mind is just not at the same level as mine. She tends to equate our jobs as being equal. (They are actually on completely opposite spectrums. My salary is 2-3x that of hers). This has helped me realize and become proud of myself actually. I did not say this to her, but it helped me see – wow, hey — I am actually really successful and intelligent. I mean I have my freakin doctorate! Of COURSE everyone you meet will not be on the same level. I have put myself so down (and my parents have never made me feel that I have achieved something) that I forget that I am indeed pretty damn smart! And that I am NOT on the same level as a lot of people. Writing this paragraph was very hard for me. It made me feel uncomfortable to admit positives about me. I am proud.

12. Money – we go to a restaurant. She needs the bill split to the last penny. which is FINE. I like that – no issues. However, when it comes to me bringing something up about money, C states “Oh whatever we can just figure it out later.” All of a sudden, she is so cool. So I decided NO. I sent her the amount of money she owes me. If she makes me pay within 5 seconds, I should too.

13. Text messaging – if I don’t respond , she is allowed to ask where I am. If I do the same to her, she acts cool – “Girl, I’ve just been busy.”  Do. not. refer. to. me. as. girl.

14. Obsesses over what to wear for hours and shows me every outfit. If I do the same, “just wear whatever. it doesn’t matter”

In conclusion, C is very moody and her emotions switch within the minute. She says one thing, then another, then does another. It is exhausting to be around someone who has so many self-doubts and issues with self-esteem. She goes from over-confident to self-hatred. I find it hard sometimes to go out with her since she will say things like “I don’t really want to do this and that”, but then when we arrive, it is the opposite. OF COURSE this is normal and we all do this. But not every single time. This causes me anger bc I am unable to absorb all these erratic vibes. I feel that she is really struggling. And I feel sad for that. But that is not my problem right now. She is a beautiful soul and I am so happy I have met her – but unless I learn how to not react to her, I need distance.

Phew, and that’s wrap.

to add, those are the moments i feel depressed, sad, and confused. i feel irritated and have trouble breathing.

anita,

sometimes i struggle with figuring out what i have time for. i forget i am 25. so young. but then so old? but then anything cam happen at anytime?

I would like to add to that post by stating this: it is very hard for me to read anything. this is why – i have no ability to focus on one thing at a time and the idea of just sitting there reading terrifies me because i think there is not enough time or time will be wasted for everything else i have to do. reading takes time – and that is what gives me anxiety. i am unable to sit still and just do that one thing.

anita,

I love this last post of yours. I’m actually going to be printing this entire topic and putting it in a binder. It is beautiful.

Thank you for being so honest with me – you also do not sugar-coat.

C wanted to talk last night. I spoke to her and gave her some background information (but did not go into my entire life story like i usually would). I stated why I think it would be best for me to maybe stay away because I do not want to hurt her/abuse her. She does not want this. She wants to understand and help. We came up with a safe word for me to say (BF – stands for bitch fit from the hilarious movie White Chicks  hahaha) when I start feeling like this. And we came up with coping tactics. She stated, “I care about our friendship too much to not work on it. What should WE do to help you.” No one has EVER spoken to me like this before. I guess I will give this a shot?

I need to remove myself from situations that cause more anxiety/worsen the anger. Alex – is not healthy for me. He hardly communicates and completely denies this fact if brought up. I know in my heart I probably should not speak to him. He does nothing the way I would want it. To be honest, he is pretty mute. So I don’t know what it is about him that I am hung up on.

Why expose myself to situations that make me feel more vulnerable and do not cause me happiness. Right?

anita,

i meant moreso before with my sister- it came off incorrectly. they have a healthy relationship, but she still struggles – maybe she will touch on this at one point. not my place.

Here is the response to your post:

When you yelled at C., do you want her to not object, as she does with a man… are you angry that she doesn’t take mistreatment from you, or that she takes it from a man…? BOTH.

Can you elaborate on: “I want people to be meaner to themselves and stop just ‘loving’ everything”? – I get annoyed when people are not more open about things they should be improving about themselves. they are just ok. i feel this anger that they should say meaner things about themselves.

This “true, true anger” you referred to, is that about your mother never admitting any faults? – no. just explaining that all of this gives me a true feeling of anger. not sadness. only anger.

talk to you soon.

cali sister

anita,

i agree. i feel like the plague sometimes. which further confirms my mother’s ideation of me “the damaged one that always has problems”

does this mean i seclude myself?

am i this angry at my mother that i yell at people for no reason? or am i angry at my life. or is that the same thing.

i appreciate you noticing my honesty. i never sugar-coat anything. sometimes, it is rather funny. (my sister thinks so!)