@sammy1 @jay2023 anyone still on here?

@Rhaenys thanks, thats very kind of you.

I hope you recover very quickly from the stomach flu, not nice being poorly. It’s very good to hear the new man in your life is caring and present. I’m sure once you’re back on your feet and fully recovered can make up for lost time!

I feel a lot better after speaking about it on this thread. Thank to you and @Jay2023 for responding. I’m touched. I had stopped therapy for myself. The wedding,  honeymoon and new house, it burned a huge hole in my pocket so had to make savings. I had achieved what I needed to. This thread though has a funny knack of steering me back on track.

Things are slowly improving, I’m trying not to push it and strike a balance but although B isn’t ready to talk about it, it was a breakthrough returning to our room, she and I both appreciate the physical proximity, so its nice to hold her and cuddle again. Right now just lying in the bed next to her as she’s sleeps gives me enough peace. I know it is going to take patience and love. I have to just nip those bloody self doubts in the bud.

I have realised for someone who communicates so well, is vulnerable, open etc she sure shuts down in very serious situations. I don’t know if this is fear left over from our first major argument or just two occasions where she has just felt overwhelmed.

I noticed for me the shut down makes me feel helpless, abandoned and it’s such a departure from our day to day relationship that my old insecurities and anxieties rear their head, but I’m trying really hard.

@Jay2023 thanks bro. Trying to be strong for her. Truth is she’s always been the strong one, pulls me together. Last night after posting on here, I decided the space between us was widening and I didn’t want to let my old anxieties create paranoia. I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom to give her space to heal as she had asked for it, I went back to our bed last night, when I got in I spooned her hesitantly, she took my hand and kissed it. I asked if she wanted to talk, she didn’t reply so I just told her we are going to get through this together. This is the closest I felt to her in weeks after she requested space. I think you’re both right I just need to accept her way of grieving is different to mine and not panic that I’m losing my wife. Old abandonment fears rearing their ugly head, need to get a grip and realise she sees things differently but that doesn’t mean she will not love me anymore. I’m being selfish. I was thinking maybe do something she did with me once where I wrote a letter and set it alight. But maybe write a letter and bury it with a Teddy as a way of letting go? Is that a bad idea?

Jay bro i recall your kind ways, focusing on the person in trouble and not wanting to talk about yourself but I’d be happy to hear how you’re doing, it’s a space to share and even in this state I care. I appreciate the advice you’ve both given more than you will know. None of our family know what’s happened we wanted to keep the baby news for us and reveal after she started showing or we had the 12 week scan. B insisted after the loss to not tell anyone, I thought having family support for her would’ve been helpful but she doesn’t want that. Instead her parents and family, when they’ve seen her think we are having fights as it’s hard to put up a fake front. Me beings sensitive hurts too as it proves to them I’m not good enough when truth is before this happened we were so happy and falling deeper in love each day.

I wanted to tell my brother but he’s a new dad himself and I don’t want his experience to be changed as when I know he will stop sending me photos and updates.

Hi @Rhaenys

Thanks mate for the reply, very much appreciated. That’s fantastic news to hear you are happy and in a stable relationship. You deserve it! I’m buzzing for you and hope it continues to go well. He sounds like a top lad!

I too was hoping Sammy and the rest were still reading but hopefully the silence means they are very happy and doing great too.

I unfortunately don’t have great news, B fell pregnant,  it was very unexpected as we both had wanted to wait for a few years. So initially we were both shocked and unprepared then we started to really get excited and come around to the idea but she miscarried and since then she hasn’t been the same. She is carrying a sense of guilt and no matter how much I tell her it wasn’t our time and show her I love her it’s not working. I’m trying to not be selfish as I know although it’s a loss for me too she was the one carrying the baby. The loss is greater for a woman. I just feel shut out so I thought I’d come on here and vent. The wise words from those with experience always helped.

Ahaha @Sammy1 message received and understood! I would be the biggest fool to lose my ‘B’ and she would be lost without me and my shenanigans too. Look at us now Sammy, we both have the real thing. Onwards and upwards. Until next time mate 👍

@Sammy1

I still stand by my original point, if you think I’m off the mark ask @Jay2023.

It’s very difficult for a man to remain platonic friends with an ex he once loved or was serious about. At the very least sex will always find it’s way back on the table if you stay in contact with any residual feelings or he will secretly pine and pounce when an opportunity presents. Those who have residual feelings still BUT have the experience will cut contact entirely because they know the subconscious is a powerful thing just talking to someone can bring up emotions.

Fact is in your case you are being open and honest with yourself about the real reason why you want to be friends, being open and honest with your current partner about your ex and I agree perhaps you should not ignore the ex and just have an honest confronting conversation with him too.

You do what you feel will give you the most peace.

I can see you appreciate your current partner a lot. He seems like a very level headed lad who is firm in who he is but also able to have meaningful discussions even if feeling uncomfortable and realises healthy conflict in relationships are important for growth, he’s mature enough to offer conflict resolution which is a key skill and not jealous in asking you to stop contact. Seriously Sammy good on you too for not letting your exes stonewalling tendencies make you bitter or someone you’re not or the other extremity of people pleasing for acceptance. You really have done a lot of work on yourself to heal from the relationship with your ex.

I urge you to continue in this vain of being the lovely kind person you are, but I agree with @Rhaenys you deserve to focus on your own happiness. I know you are like ‘B’ with a genuine golden heart so you find it hard to think of yourself only, the world needs more of you. But your happiness matters too, putting yourself first may feel weird and you will carry some guilt but there’s no need to.

By putting yourself first, choosing what you want and is best for you may mean people are unhappy,  but remember they were unhappy before. THAT is a battle they have to overcome on their own.

I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, but you will end up hurting yourself by catering to the point of your own unhappiness. Let it be, whatever it is, you know you did everything you could and then some.

Enjoy your life whatever you choose or decide I will support you as you’ve stood by me through my journey.

@Rhaenys thank you very much, married life is challenging because of the responsibility but I have the right person by my side and it’s made me love being married. I feel the stress with work too, we are heading into a busy last quarter and with the house etc I’m feeling the stress. Like ‘B’ reminds me keep calm, go to your happy place and do the best you can.

I’m stoked to read you have met someone with potential. Take it steady and I hope it works out for you. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t it took meeting a lot of women until I met THE woman for me!

@Jay2023 bro hope you are doing well too!

@Sammy1 it’s been very hectic, flooding in London and then moving out of my place. Back to work. I’m feeling exhausted!

if your ex is in a relationship and still yearning for you, I agree with @Jay2023 and say no contact for now even on birthdays is better because everytime you make contact with him it will give him false hope if he hasn’t accepted it’s all done and dusted.

Love can be messy but it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. He is going through what we all experience at least once as you know it’s very painful. So you are being cruel to be kind by letting him heal without false hope delaying that.

Yes it does come down to our stubborn egos! and if he’s the type of man to grow from his mistakes and evolve, he will actually value you and want the very best for you too and will reach out to you in a platonic manner accepting friendship one day. If he doesn’t you haven’t lost anything,  you were always very giving to him and you need to like you said thrive too.

How are you finding dealing with it?

@Jay2023 mate how are you? Out of the woods? I hope you have recovered from Covid and it’s not left any lasting effects. Seems you are pushing through and I’m very pleased for you bro. You’re picking up new hobbies and hopefully ticking off those personal goals. You’re moving forward keep that up. Onwards and upwards as you stated!

I agree with Sammy you have nothing at all to be sad about, she may have been a breath of fresh air but also remember you treated your ex very well but she didn’t in return so you should continue to have no regrets. She was a fool and it’s her loss for sure. That should be a fantastic feeling in a way because you already you’ve basically filtered out someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are and recognise your value naturally.

There’s no point making someone feel obliged to see the best in you just because you have a commitment or relationship. The best feeling is someone who does that automatically and naturally regardless of what you are to them.

@Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.

youtu.be/RZFH03DGv2s
The EYE – Old Friend ( type that link in the other post went into moderation)

I know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!