Dear Mindy

You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy.  Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.

Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.

I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.

Dear Helcat

What a wonderful and powerful insight that you have gained thru the beautiful lovingkindness practice. It is my most go to practice, sometimes it is only just for a few seconds, like when i am out in public and I see someone struggling. This is a lifetime practice a bit like breathing it nourishes the practitioner and those that are around them.

Dear Katrine

What vicious cycles you are in. The relationship or lack of it with a man/men you like.

The turbulent relationship with your sister/family.

Holding on to past hurts and grasping at unknown futures is like wrapping yourself in electrified barbed wire.

As you & your sister were growing up your parents did not have xray vision/omnipresent ( ie not seeing what was going on when they were not in the same room). So any nasty manipulative behaviour went unchecked.

It appears that with every encounter a whole train load of baggage comes with it (how tiring & anxious making).

If you gave up trying to right old wrongs and resolved that you will bring gentleness to each encounter and not dictate how its outcome should be then maybe life may not be so painful for you. I know this is much easier said than done but it is well worth the effort to not add new hurts onto the mountain of pain that is already there.

best wishes with all your future interactions

dear MisunderstoodAutistic

My apologies I should have written sibling. Glad that you have found somewhere to stay. I hope that things go well for you in all aspects of your life

Dear Misunderstood Autistic

I am sorry you are in a scary and perplexing place.

I have to keep this short as my internet connection keeps breaking.

A sight called workaway matches up people with need of help with things like farming/ animals/labour etc they exchange food and accomadation in exchange for 20/25 hours a week. Also WOOFing working On Organic Farms may help you.

Roughly what are of the UK are you situated in?

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Eric

In buddhism there is a set of teachings on right speech.  it includes is it timely? is it helpful?, will it be received & is it truthful,is it said kindly when your mind is free from afflictions etc so with that in mind  you could say something like . When I felt ready for a relationship I put out various feelers before I met you & I am so glad that they came to naught as I would not have met you and am having a fulfilling time with you & I hope that you are also happy with our relationship. This hopefully will make her feel appreciated & secure and if she has anything similar in her past she has the opportunity to bring it up & you can let go that bit of your past .

Dear Collie

I was sent to Sunday school until my early teens so like many I had a christian background, but struggled with aspects such as going to hell for eternity or that you could be mean & hurtful all your life and then do a deathbed conversion & end up in heaven for eternity plus you were told not to do things (10 commandments) but not how to overcome emotions & hormones etc.

In my early 30’s I took stock of my life & wrote a note about how I would like to live my life ie may I walk gently upon this earth. If I have a choice between doing something positive or negative may I choose the positive action etc. May I treat all people like family.  A couple of years later I came across a book on Buddhism at our local library and as I read it things started to fall into place and I thought now I know what I am ( aspire to be).  many years later my family realised that it wasn’t a fad with me. My mum said that when I was small I met some tibetan monks and I was fascinated by them so she was not surprised at my interest. My youngest son completed a sentence for me “Now you are 18 I can “….. “go to the monastery”. In 2009 I formally took refuge in the buddha, dharma & sangha.

I would say that buddhism pervades all aspects of my life, it is a frame work and support thru which I navigate the journey of this and hopefully all my future lives.

I find  & look for the dharma in other philosophies , religions and people.

I love Thich Nat Han’s Golden rules as they are so positive & thought provoking.

May I keep sentient beings safe

May I be mild of thought, speech & manner

May everything I need be given to me freely

May I have integrity in all my relationships

May I keep my judgement clear.

I would say here in the west it is much more easier to be buddhist now. Many people have said to me ” If I had to choose a religion then it would be buddhism” The only discrimination i have been subjected to is been by a couple of persons in the church of my childhood!

Where I live we do not have party politics but if I lived elsewhere I would vote for the Green Party as I feel the environment is much sidelined in favour of short term financial gains.

I think the pandemic gave many people the time to see a different way of living and the chance to rethink their priorities.

Mindfullness/ Meditation is now mainstream, but without teachings, study & then  contemplating them & along with conscious ethical conduct it has little longterm value  ( here I am talking about future lives as much as the present one).

i wish you all the best with your course

Roberta