That’s wonderful to read, Craig! We never know what life has in store for us. I had gone through about two years of online dating. I went on at least one date with MANY different men and either I wasn’t feeling it with them or they weren’t feeling it with me. Well, the person I’m currently seeing must have been my lucky date because FINALLY we were on the same page with having feelings for each other and giving it a shot. I met him 4 months after I created this thread in 2016. Crazy how things can change…

Anita, you wrote, “Your inherent worth, that which requires no action on your part, that with which you were born with, I believe, is you being loving.” This brought tears to my eyes!

This seems obvious when I read it, but sometimes I forget that me just being me is enough. I feel like I have to have impressive accomplishments under my belt, I have to live my life in a certain way, I have to attain certain possessions (a nice car, a nice apartment, etc…). Thank you for the reminder. I’m going to focus on that tonight when I do a little meditating.

Thank you all for the encouraging and helpful responses to my post! <3

Cherryblossom: Nailed it!! I especially like the questions you posed, “Would he be there for you if you need someone to accompany you to the doctor? Would he pick you up if the weather is bad? Would he defend you and your choices in front of other people or would he side with them instead? Would he do these things willingly when you ask him properly, without having to beg him or him being annoyed?” I’m going to think about these because they’d offer valuable insight.

You also said, “True love is not about “wanting” the other person to behave in a particular way, but it is about “allowing” the other person to just BE.” I thought this was a great reminder. We actually had a discussion yesterday. We were going to “Petfest” with his family (literally just a festival where people can bring their pets and walk around). When I approached him I was wearing a burgundy knee length sweater dress and leather boots. Now that it’s fall I was excited to wear one of my favorite fall outfits. One of the first things he said to me was, “You didn’t have to get so dressed up. We’re just going to Petfest.” A “you look nice” and just accepting that was the outfit I wanted to wear would’ve been much more appreciated. Interestingly, his sister wore a cotton dress as well. So what I was wearing wasn’t exactly outlandish.

Cheryl: Thanks for your reply! I agree that that it feels good to be with someone who will be kind, get up in the night to get you a drink, cuddle when your ill, etc… As an emotional person, this is one of my favorite things about being in a loving relationship.

Excellent advice, Anita. I especially like the part I bolded. “Anther thing: he may feel your anxiety: your ongoing fear of him rejecting you, going cold and colder and that may distress him. It is very important that you share with him your fear, taking responsibility for it. If he is a good man, he will feel empathy for you: he will feel closer to you if you share with him your vulnerabilities.“

Anita: You have been incredibly helpful and offered perspectives I haven’t even thought of. I think I have little puzzle pieces of advice, I just have to put them together and this may take time and experience to do so.

Jeena: I believe I’ve had co-dependent tendencies in the past, but I’ve worked with more than one counselor and tried to be mindful about those habits. I’m currently estranged from my mother and don’t have a very close relationship with my dad and step-mom, so with my other interpersonal relationships, I will admit I have a fear of losing people I care about. But, as I said I’ve been working on this. For example, I turned down meeting my boyfriend tonight to go to a yoga class I wanted to go to and suggested meeting another night that works for us. I also go out of my way to do things alone on purpose (another example: I’ll be in San Diego completely alone next week, just because I want to visit the city).

Just another update because I don’t particularly feel confident in myself about dating and interpersonal relationships right now.
Another thing that seems to be weighing on my mind is feeling occasionally invalidated by my new boyfriend. When I feel invalidated, I feel self-conscious, stupid, and as though he’ll lose interest in me. (Or am I just blowing this out of proportion in my mind?)

Example #1 of feeling invalidated: We were going to meet at a friend’s birthday party. The party was located close to where I live. I texted my boyfriend and said I was surprised by how much it had rained. He responded, “Is it raining over there? It’s completely clear here.” I said, “It was pouring rain earlier and now it’s just sprinkling.” He then said, “I just checked my weather app on my phone. It says it’s pretty clear over there…” I felt like he didn’t believe me even though I was looking at the dismal weather right outside my window. I sent him a short snapchat video of the puddles outside that still had rain drops sprinkling onto them and wrote, “I don’t know, it’s just sprinkling over here right now.” He said, “Looks like it has past and the sky is now clear. Great weather chat.” I’m still confused on why it felt like he needed to have the last word and be right about something like the weather?

Example #2 of feeling invalidated: We were watching a movie where the characters won the lottery. We started talking about winning the lottery and what we would do with the money. He said he would invest some of it. He works in finances and does a lot with investing and financial advising (which I honestly admire because math/money/investing is not something I know a lot about). I asked him if people with lower/modest incomes often invest and if so what were they investing in. The blank stare he gave me honestly made me feel a little embarrassed. He just looked confused and then asked, “What do you mean?” And I said, “I don’t know a lot about investing and I know that’s sort of your specialty so I was just curious.” Still seemingly confused he said, “Well doesn’t the company you work for have a retirement 401K you can put money into?” I said, “Yes.” And he said, “Well…then yeah… people with lower to moderate incomes will invest in that…” I felt stupid, like it was an answer that was obvious and I made myself look like a fool for even asking. Then we just changed the subject.

I don’t know if I should grow a thicker skin and let things roll off my shoulder easier or what. I just want to feel good around him and like he admires me like I admire him. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem, but I often feel stupid around him and feel like I have to think twice about what I say so I can word it more eloquently to avoid sounding dumb.

One good thing though: He’s not one to openly dole out compliments, so when he does compliment me it makes me feel great and I take it to heart. When we were at the birthday party last night I wasn’t drinking alcohol (I occasionally do, but I’m not a big drinker and last night I didn’t feel like drinking). He said he thought it was great that I could still be around a group of people who were drinking and have fun, dance, and socialize. He thought other people in my situation may feel uncomfortable and just want to go home. So I guess he complimented me on my ability to not need alcohol to have fun and I was enjoyable to be around.