Hi Gresshoppe

Welcome back!

I think that what you have said here is respectful and perfect. You enjoyed reconnecting, but aren’t interested in taking things further. It feels like things are stuck and not working.

What makes you feel nervous about telling him that you’re not interested in taking things a step further?

Rejecting him might end things entirely between you?

Are you afraid that he will try to pressure you and not take your no for an answer?

Or something else?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

I think because the initial idea of being no contact and then last minute changing your mind when you were leaving that might be confusing. You also specified that she can message you if she needs anything. Specifically meaning that you won’t be contacting her if you need anything.

For example, you had a perfectly valid reason to reach out to your partner when your worst fear happened with your mother if you wanted to. Yet, you chose not to. You chose to stick to the 30 day rule.

Honestly, your friends are not wrong. Tommy is not wrong. I have never seen good come of a break like this. This break is also an opportunity to see if you are both happier without each other. Possibly not the best idea when a partner is questioning whether they have feelings for you, especially with all of the recent negativity. You know your own relationship best though.

It sounds like you panicked when you suggested the idea and you both panicked because you didn’t know what to do because the situation was so bad between you and decided that the only option was to go through with it.

Is there a possibility that you suggested this initially to allow the relationship to end on your own terms?

I really hope that I am wrong about all of this and wish you both all the best of luck though.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Debs123

It sounds like you already have a good handle on how you feel about the situation. Have you discussed how you feel about the situation with him? If not, is there something holding you back from doing that?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Carol

Please don’t worry about writing when you’re busy. 😊

I don’t know if this is the result of her being in a healthy relationship. It could easily be the result of her being in an unhealthy relationship. Especially since you mention that she has a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships.

In healthy relationships time would be made for both partners friends. Sucking up to his friend that didn’t like her, it sounds like she’s afraid of being rejected by her partner. If his friends don’t like her, he may leave her. That type of thing.

You never know how relationships actually are underneath the surface. Sometimes people pretend that things are okay when they’re not. Just have to see how things work out.

After 15 years of close friendship, I bet she misses you and is aware of the drifting. For whatever reason, she is holding back. I will add that people who aren’t cared about aren’t texted at all. Perhaps there is a fear that the relationship will drift even more in the future?

I do understand how painful it is not to have a good level of communication with someone you care about deeply. It is a deeply disappointing and hurtful thing.

It is healthy to invest your time and energies in people who invest in you. I’m glad that focusing on that is helping.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

My advice is to let the girl go before damaging the relationship and her even further she is new to relationships and clearly isn’t protecting herself properly. You are taking advantage of this. Anyone with good boundaries would not tolerate your behaviour and end the relationship.

Hi Harry

At least you were honest about the situation instead of leading her on.

Do you love her though? It seems like A)  it’s a long distance relationship. B) you cheated on her when it was long distance. C) you haven’t really been going out for long.

You might not be the kind of person who is cut out for long distance since you were openly flirting with other people then had sex with them.

Maybe you are just being realistic? Your eyes may wander again when she goes home. Long distance really isn’t for everyone, it is hard and lonely. With bursts of excitement when you meet. It makes for a fun vacation. And it’s really not tenable when a partner can’t be trusted, unless say there was an agreement that both parties could sleep with other people.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Chau / Clara

I think it’s really great that you are putting in the work on figuring things out during the break.

You have been feeling a lot recently, including anger. Anger is an emotion with a purpose. It lets you know when you have unmet needs or when boundaries have been crossed. When you understand the reason it is easier to let go because you can address it.

I would agree in some cases about people falling out of love when they are hurt. The days where I fell out of love, I felt deeply hurt by my partner. I was doubting the relationship.

Yes, it is not helpful for you to have to be the one to notice when something is wrong. She needs to communicate more openly and tell you.

Does your partner share her emotions with you? It is good for people to support each other, as well as taking responsibility for our own emotions.

Yes, relationships do take a lot of work and compromise. Even good relationships.

I hope it is okay if I share with you some things that my partner and I learned in couples counselling.

Check in with each other and ask how was your day every day, at a particular time can be helpful.

Keep difficult conversations to 30 minutes. Set a timer.

During difficult conversations take turns to talk for 5 minutes each, the other person is not allowed to speak during your time. A timer is helpful here too.

Taking a break when difficult converstions get too much can be helpful. Some people like to use a funny code word for that. Lollipop for example.

This is something that we noticed. When there relationship problems talking about it all of the time is stressful and wears on the relationship. Nothing ever cools down or feels normal. So we made a rule to only discuss relationship problems once a week for 30 minutes. After a meal. Judges often make better decisions sentencing after a meal.

This involved planning what to talk about and doing it piece by piece because there isn’t a huge amount of time for discussion. It gave us a sense of normalcy in the relationship back and taught us to defer talking about problems until we’d cooled down and given it some thought.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Ultimately, you can have the relationship or cling to hurt feelings. Both cannot exist at the same time. One or the other. And both people need to make this choice.