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HelcatParticipantHi Peter
Sorry for the late reply. It’s been a unique time for me and I wasn’t in a place to process things emotionally.
There’s a lot of wisdom to be found in experiencing the moment.
I always felt that people are very much programmed by our experiences. I wonder if deprogramming is part of emptiness? Perhaps, not in the traditional meditation sense. But at some point our practices start to touch our lives.
I get the feeling that you’re a very courageous person Peter. How are you doing? I always enjoy talking with you.
Hopes and fears are complicated. Sometimes we are afraid things won’t be achieved. Sometimes things we hoped for aren’t appreciated once we attain them. I feel like vulnerability is key, the willingness to courageously experience things good and bad, without programming dictating behaviour. Perhaps a form of emptiness?
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Sarah
Thank you for your support and kind words!
I find that it can take time for emotions to catch up to what we logically know. It sounds like you did the right thing for your friend at the time by being there for them and empathising. I’m glad that you recognise it wasn’t your fault. It’s painful to lose a friend and your desire for things to be different also comes from a place of love.
Thank you for sharing the quote that helped you. I’ve found it to be true, maybe not immediately but over time. Another quote that it reminds me of is “The only constant in life is change.” Heraclitus. I’m a big fan of hope and change but patience and understanding are key to keeping expectations realistic. All we can really do is try and take one day at a time.
Side effect of medications are tricky to manage! I hope that you can get things worked out soon. 🙏
I agree, something that helped me was writing down my fears and then the outcome of situations as it taught me that my fears were unrealistic and disproportionate. Knowing this, it’s easier to manage my anxiety now.
Reflecting on times where I handled emergencies well helped me to develop confidence in my ability to handle stressful situations. Stress still sucks though!
I think it’s amazing that you’ve done so many great things! Giving feedback on treatment programs and advocacy are incredible feats.
I’ve always wanted to be involved in activism around rape. But unfortunately I’m not ready yet, it’s still a trigger for me. Definitely something for me to aspire to one day!
Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of therapy and I do see those qualities in myself.
I agree that abuse is never justified. I think that it takes hard work and compassion for people to overcome their trauma. I learned when I was young it’s very easy to have no desire for self control and take pain out on others. It can be hard to make changes, but it’s incredibly worthwhile.
I think the difficulty is that whilst I’m not in that situation anymore, I still remember it and I feel like these experiences become a part of us. A part that I believe can be healed.
It’s difficult to explain but the way I conceptualise it is there is who we are when we are emotionally stable and not triggered. Then there are depressive or anxious thoughts that are related to memories of trauma.
I’ve done some further work as the habitual si thoughts arise. Confronting my mother. Not all of it was forgiving and understanding. A lot of it was anger. I think my therapist would be happy that I’ve been able to get to this point finally. It was never safe at home for me to be angry as my mother escalated the abuse in response.
I noticed that some anxious and depressed thoughts remind me of other influences in my life. I know people that have struggled with trauma and depression and I think even though it’s not abuse, as a child it’s something that can be easily internalised if adults overshare deepest fears. It’s kind of scary how much kids pick up of the world around them. That’s why I think who we choose to spend time with is important. Having good influences helped me a lot.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that people who suffer from mental health conditions are a bad influence on children. Quite the opposite. But there are some people who manage their depression well and others who don’t. It’s the latter category that I believe can cause some issues. But the world is full of unique issues that it’s impossible to protect children from. As long as people love their kids and do their best to protect them, I think that’s all children really need. Learning to deal with issues is just part of growing up.
Sorry for rambling! Wishing you all the best 🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Sarah
Thank you for your kindness and sharing! I really appreciate it, especially since you used to suffer in silence. I’m sorry to hear that things are still hard in general. It sounds like you’ve had a difficult life. I think everyone deserves a break, especially kind people. I hope good things come your way. I will definitely check out the reading recommendations. ☺️
I hope you know that you did nothing wrong by sharing your feelings with the patient. Their death was not because of you.
I agree that things are senseless and I find that comforting. I used to blame myself for my mother not loving me when I was younger and realising that it was just circumstance being born to her and she was the messed up one was a relief. I’m no longer in contact.
Learning to accept pain and let go is hard. Well done on accepting it today!
My therapist used to say that pain from trauma doesn’t disappear but it does get smaller and easier to bear as you heal. I’ve found this to be true, but still I have an irrational hope that one day it will heal completely.
Reporting back on my experience with the role play my therapist used to recommend. I don’t think it worked out quite the way that she intended. Instead of a “confrontation” I ended up forgiving her. I didn’t ever think I would be capable of that. It was quite unexpected.
I realised that she was quite young when she had me, and was knocked up by a guy 10 years her senior who had a habit of abandoning women once he had children with them. She wasn’t ready to be alone with 2 kids and before she ever met my father she’d already had traumatic experiences. Another thing was that she didn’t trust anyone and was very much alone. I think she had 3 friends over 15 years. 1 who she betrayed, 1 who died and another who chose to take me in and that ended that relationship.
I feel like people are made up of the people they spend time with and the experiences they have. She didn’t have help. She chose to re-enact her own abuse in the role of the abuser to make herself feel powerful and she hated herself for it. None of this is any excuse for what she did or makes any of it okay. I hope that she changes.
On the other hand, I have been very lucky. I have had a lot of help. Not just from therapists, but people in general. I have never been alone like that.
HelcatParticipantHi Sarah
Thanks for your advice. Wishing you all the best! 🙏
I’ve actually had a small breakthrough with this recently.
When I was a child I had my abusive mother’s voice in my head. It was very clear.
Over the years as I worked on my mental health and learned to be kinder to myself it stopped sounding like her. If that makes sense.
Now that I think about it, these days this anxious voice as it were might be more polite. But the sentiment is still designed to make me feel the way that she would. She wanted to make me feel alone in the world, unable to trust other people. She wanted me to be afraid, so she could feel powerful. She wanted me to feel like I was incapable of protecting myself from her.
Historically, this voice was around in my weakest, most vulnerable moments.
One thing that my schema therapist always wanted me to do was role play and speak to my mother as it were to challenge her but at the time I was too afraid even imagining her. My therapist alway challenged her for me.
So I guess I’m going to try challenging these thoughts thinking of them as coming from memories of my mother and see how it goes.
I’ll report back on how things go!
HelcatParticipantHi Freddie
I believe you when you say she was a good person and love and miss her. But you did have valid concerns when it came to debt and her child. When you want to marry someone it makes sense to talk these things through deeply it is important to know these things about a life partner. It’s concerning that you had been together for 7 years and she was unwilling to speak about such things for all that time.
I once broke up with someone I loved and was ready to marry because they were unwilling to have difficult conversations. It’s not a way to live.
It’s sad to hear that when you were in the on again off again phase once again she refused to address your concerns and instead it became about how you hurt her by leaving.
I think that if she had just talked to you and been willing to share you would have stayed and this would never have happened.
I doubt she could replace the connection that you both had so easily. What she has now is something different and new. It doesn’t compare.
HelcatParticipantHi Freddie
Thanks for clarifying that you were together for 7 years and then the on again off again element of the relationship started. Apologies for the misunderstanding, it is difficult to understand the context without further context. It does sound like a different situation to what I experienced.
It sounds like you broke up for a reason. You mentioned communication issues in the relationship and the final break up with her choosing to date someone else after telling you that she loved you 4 weeks prior does sound like another communication issue. I can understand why that hurts.
Do you regret your decision of breaking up and wish that you had instead stayed together? You might not want to go into details. Or if you wish to please feel welcome. But surely you made that decision for a valid reason?
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Freddie
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a difficult time processing the break up and your ex dating someone else.
I’ve been in a similar situation myself and honestly I just got tired of being pushed away all the time. The on again off again is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. At some point you do take no for an answer. She had likely been at that point for a while before she ever met someone new.
Do you honestly want to be with this person permanently? You had 7 years to figure it out and it sounds like largely what was in your mind while you were dating was that you weren’t interested in commitment. Which is fine if you aren’t a commitment kind of person. But a lot of people are and when one person wants commitment and the other doesn’t, the relationship doesn’t work out.
HelcatParticipantHi Jones
I’m sorry to hear that your husband took thousands from the savings account to pay off secret credit card bills. No wonder you are having a difficult time trusting him.
I have a question. You mentioned that the savings were for both of you. Did he ever contribute to those savings? If so, it might be helpful to figure out how much he contributed.
His suggestion of paying money back sounds like a good one. But it does make sense that it sounds like he’s trying to tighten his belt too much. It can take people much longer than 2 years to pay back debt. It might make more sense for him to have a bit more spending money and take a bit longer to pay it back. It might speed things up a bit if he looks for a better job.
I know some people who have taken a different route when their partner is financially irresponsible. Where the responsible partner takes full ownership of all finances.
Another idea might be, no longer being financially linked. Having separate accounts and no joint access.
I think that finances are really important to the future of relationships. It’s hard to build a future with someone who actively tries to tear that down.
It’s good that no bills were missed as a result. But did you have plans for those savings? Losing out on those plans must be painful too.
HelcatParticipantHi Benedikt
Thank you for the additional context. I’m sorry to hear that you’re in pain, I hope things get easier with your trapped nerve.
I totally get where you’re coming from with chores and pain issues.
It’s something that is really hard to adjust to and it’s important to be patient with yourself while you try to find your own way of balancing things.
Some interesting things I’ve learned about pain is that it’s linked to sleep, stress, exercise and diet.
What helped me was learning to prioritise tasks. And how to make some tasks easier for myself. Ultimately, I learned that it’s okay for some chores to wait. The most important things can be handled first.
It’s good that you’ve identified that you have a strong desire for connection with people. It’s really important to incorporate your favourite things from your pre-pain lifestyle but perhaps in a modified sustainable way.
Do you think there’s a reason why you make more of an effort to do chores around other people?
I like chatGPTs advice about a lack of clarity about why you want to do chores. I had to learn to really focus on motivation to do chores with pain issues. Sometimes this was celebrating small wins by taking before and after photos. Sometimes it acknowledging that I was cleaning because I have allergies and it helped me to breathe.
Hmm how to stay connected? Do you feel like you aren’t spending as much time with people because of your health issues? Do you find it harder to leave the house? Are people less willing to visit you? What are the challenges there?
HelcatParticipantHi Benedikt
It’s honestly hard to say without more context.
I know that I have felt similarly in the past when I felt a disconnect between what I wanted for my life and what actually was.
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
I have found that the most important thing to have is patience with yourself because we are often out of control in regards to the timeframe of when things happen. Some things take a lot of time, hard work and are difficult to achieve.
I find it helpful to focus on one step at a time. There is a saying. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
It sounds like your first step is planning how to achieve your goal. It’s a good idea to ask for help at this stage if you’re experiencing difficulties with it. There is no shame in it. Though it can feel uncomfortable for independent folks.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Ben
8 years doesn’t seem like a big age difference.
Can you provide a little more context? What was she wanting you to do without being told?
Ah yes, that’s a familiar phrase. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my flatmate. He wanted me to remind him when he should do all of his chores. As he’s an adult, he has a responsibility to manage his own chores. I shouldn’t have to tell him what to do.
Mentioning age seems to have been a trigger for you. Are there any other situations where she’s mentioned age? Have you communicated that you don’t like her to talk about your age?
How do you feel about getting older? It seems to be a sensitive subject for you.
HelcatParticipantGetting used to an earlier bedtime before the trip might help you to be well rested for the 5am meditations.
HelcatParticipantHi Wisp!
Well done on being decisive when it is something that is hard for you.
That’s exciting to be able to go on a Buddhist retreat with your friend. I’m sure it will be an excellent opportunity to learn about yourself.
It does sound like quite a shock to the system in terms of lifestyle changes though. Like you, I enjoy using my phone and watching tv. I even have some anxiety when I’m without a phone. I lost my wallet and my phone broke on the same day once. It wasn’t a fun day!
How long do you have to prepare before the trip? I don’t know how much you meditate? It could be a good idea to practice before the trip. I would suggest a mini phone detox too. I like to leave my phone at home when I go on walks. If you like reading you might be allowed to bring some books on the retreat? If you are well prepared the temporary lifestyle changes might not be such a shock to your system.
The retreat might surprise you. It sounds like a vacation. It can be relaxing to step away from all of the every day stressors we experience. I hope that you end up having a really good time, even though you’re feeling anxious about the trip now.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
HelcatParticipantYou deserve so much more than someone who baretolerates watching a tv show with you!
HelcatParticipantHi Caroline
I’m sorry to hear that your gf is being mean to you.
Your gf sounds very comfortable “expressing herself” to put it politely. I’m curious how she reacts when you express your concerns?
On one hand you can say she gets away with the behaviour because you allow it. Her behaviour is definitely not your fault though. Someone who is kind would never be mean “because someone allows it”. The responsibility falls on your gf to moderate her own behaviour.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 