Hi Anonymous

If we have discussed this previously, I would suggest that your actions do not match your values. Perhaps this is causing you pain and making you feel like a “terrible person”.

I don’t think you’re terrible. But it isn’t about what we believe, it is about what you believe.

When you are feeling calmer, try considering…

A) What is a terrible person? What traits do they have? What do they do?

B) Do you match that criteria?

C) List the all of ways that you are a good person.

Another helpful exercise is what would you say to a friend in your circumstance?

Hi Arabella

It sounds like you have serious concerns about how this revelation would impact your relationship. In this case, protecting the relationship may be the sensible choice. This decision is yours alone and ultimately, it is you who knows best how to manage your life.

Do you have any uncomfortable thoughts that accompany the feelings of guilt and shame? You don’t have to divulge them, but when you are feeling calmer it might be a good idea to address those thoughts with self-compassion. In the meantime, ruminating on this subject isn’t going to resolve this issue. Please take care of yourself, practice self-care, eat, and rest. Forgiveness starts and ends with not beating yourself up over it. It can be a journey.

Hi Arabella

I don’t think anyone would react in a positive way but the question is would the response be reasonable and proportinate?

You were drunk which lowers inhibitions. You made a mistake, it’s not a huge problem.

I’m not suggesting that you divulge everything. There is no need to mention painful details that would only hurt him. He is your partner, not a priest. The purpose of discussing the issue would be to treat him with respect.

There’s a good chance that he could be insecure for a time because you breached your partners  trust. Perhaps you would have to earn that trust back, being a loyal partner this should not pose an issue as you have nothing to hide.

Previously, you had never been disloyal or dishonest. But dishonesty is very much what you are considering now and flirting with an ex isn’t being loyal.

Do you think that it is better to flirt with an ex or a stranger / an acquaintance? For me, I would consider flirting with an ex worse because it means that there are some underlying feelings.

It’s not about relieving guilt, it is about being honest, treating your partner with respect and accepting that actions have consequences.

Telling him wouldn’t change what happened, but it would mean that you keep your honesty and you would be breaching his trust once as opposed to twice. The second breach of trust being hiding the issue. There is a difference between a drunk breach of trust and a sober one.

I think the only good reason not to divulge this is if your partner isn’t emotionally stable or if he could react in an unreasonable way. What kind of problems would you imagine could occur? Could this issue significantly damage the relationship? If so, it seems like there could be some issues with the relationship.

Hi Kris

Sorry to hear that about the difficulties with your relationship. It sounds like you’re doing all of the right things.

Driving up to visit was very kind of you and a great idea to have a face to face conversation.

It’s great that you’ve come to a realisation that you need to keep the romance alive in the relationship. I’m sure this will serve you well.

Regardless of what happens next, you are trying your best. I wish you both all the best!

Hi Tara

It’s good to hear that you got out of an abusive relationship!

As for your parents, I think that your instincts are correct about the controlling behaviour regarding your location and who you go out with.

Working two jobs and studying, you sound like a responsible young adult. For both of these reasons, you deserve your freedom. It does seem like they are struggling to see you as the adult that you are.

I understand what it is like to lie to parents when they are unsupportive and judgemental of who you are spending time with. I would imagine that you were trying to avoid that reaction? It doesn’t sound like you meant to hurt any feelings.

I think it matters that you were honest when the situation was discussed.

How are you holding up with the stonewalling? This too is a form of abuse. It’s not great that they tried to gaslight and blame you either. The whole situation seems verbally abusive and  (I’m not a fan of this word) toxic.

I think you are a very capable of making this decision yourself. So I wonder, what would your ideal resolution to this issue look like?

On a happier note, how are things with this new man?

Hi Kajal

I don’t think there is much you can do.

His mom might like you as a person, but she doesn’t think you are a good fit as a wife.

She doesn’t like your modern non-traditional lifestyle. She doesn’t like that you are from a different culture. She doesn’t like that you stood up for yourself initially regarding conversion.

She wants a submissive Muslim wife willing to raise children, cook and clean for her son. You are very much the opposite of what she wants.

But this is not your fault. Your partner loves you for who you are. He accepts you and being with you makes him very happy. So happy that he has been unsuccessfully bargaining with his family for 6 months. Most people give up very quickly when met with resistance from family.

His mother does not accept you and likely never will. She would prefer that her son be unhappy than with you.

Hi Kajal

On the plus side, it sounds like he has tried to reason with his parents multiple times. He cannot force them to change their mind.

It is a very hard thing for any child to consider marrying without the support of their parents.

I am not on the best terms with my mother, but I still wanted her there when I got married. For someone who has  a good relationship with their parents I would imagine it would feel like a betrayal to go through that without them.

It is a very difficult, sensitive situation for all involved and I don’t think he would have kept trying to reason with them if he didn’t love you.

Perhaps ending the relationship could be a practical way of him trying to protect you from more rejection, more suffering and wasting your time? I’m sure that he has seen how much these issues have hurt you. It was your own instinctual reaction to end the relationship initially too. I’m sure, you loved him even then. It is just the difficulty of the situation. Ultimately, his parents are traditional and there is a level of prejudice that comes with that.

I think that this situation has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You had two wonderful years together. That is what you two created.

With his parents in the mix, there is misery. Perhaps it is good to know this before getting married. They could make your life a living hell. It is not good to have that kind of stress in your life. Do you think it would go away if they begrudgingly accepted the marriage? Or do you think they would continue to treat you poorly? To avoid this, to marry you, he would have to give up his whole family. I don’t think it is an easy decision to make, with no positive outcome. He either loses you, or his whole family.

Perhaps some people are just slower to reply to messages? It’s not a big deal.