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HelcatParticipantApologies for the formatting issues, for some reason the edit function is no longer working.
HelcatParticipantHi EllGee
I’m so sorry, that is an awful situation to be in. I hope that you are taking extra care of yourself during this difficult time? It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into handling everything and taking care of your children.
The only thing that I would suggest is that perhaps he should be politely encouraged to re-engage with his children. It is not fair on you or them that he has stopped performing his parental responsibilities. He only lives just over 1 hour away, it really isn’t that far. Of course, this should be achieved in a safe way, without exposing them to verbal abuse.
Some parents from abusive backgrounds have difficulty with teenagers as they explore their boundaries and freely express their own opinions. You also mentioned that he doesn’t like his opinions being challenged which fits with the theme.
I’m curious if you have had any recurring themes in arguments during your marriage over the years?
Sorry I don’t have more to share, this is a reflection of that I think you’ve done a great job trying your best to resolve this situation. Also, Anita has already given you a lot of good advice.
HelcatParticipantThese dark nights sound similar to depression. I don’t wish to discuss my experience of depression but I’m happy to share my exploits to recover from it.
I remember the first time I felt happy. I was walking my dogs, the same as any other day. Watching the same beautiful sunset that I’d often ignored. Instead of my thoughts being painfully present, they had eased. I was simply present and enjoying the moment for what it was.
My recent foray into Buddhism has taught me to become more aware of triggers. I’m doing my best to watch and sit with the feelings. This does not mean feeding the feeling or allowing it to carry me away as before. A book described thoughts occurring after the initial feeling as a lie. So rather than think about it, the goal is to sit with the feeling, the energy and allow it to dissipate in time without forcing it.
I don’t concern myself with trying to get rid of my ego. Masterful monks have egos. They just recommend being aware of it and not allowing it to blindly lead us around.
I think one difficulty with depression etc is that it is comfortable because it is what you know. There is a trap of safety. There is guilt that comes with this, it is hard to admit. And fear of the unknown. But by repeatedly subjecting myself to my fears and allowing myself to experience pain, I have become somewhat desensitized to it. This has helped me develop confidence in my ability to overcome challenges. I still feel overwhelmed and stressed sometimes, but it is good to acknowledge that and allow it to pass.
Lastly, working to soothe my nervous system has been helpful.
What is the point of life? Or capitalism? Or purpose?
We are animals, reproduction and propagating the species is an evolutionary goal. This is our environment, we exist within it. Purpose is what we make of it. My purpose is to take care of myself, my loved ones, my pets, my home, learn, help others and enjoy my experience to the best of my ability.
HelcatParticipantHi Arie
I’m sorry for your loss. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve heard of your situation occurring. In fact, it is rather common for cross-cultural relationships. There is a strong drive to marry someone from their own culture that their family approves of. Yet, while living in a different country men still desire sex and relationships.
My guess is that since you wanted to make the marriage legitimate, this pushed him to leave you. This might be difficult to hear, but you have repeatedly asked for the truth and this is often the truth of these situations.
It is important to be very careful to protect yourself from people who try to develop intense relationships very quickly. The motive is frequently not genuine.
Perhaps the bigger question is not why he left. But why you ignored these warning signs which were present from the beginning?
It is important to remember that you were unhappy in this relationship. You previously wrote about being neglected. Perhaps you will learn to protect yourself in romance as a result of this relationship ending?
July 8, 2022 at 2:41 pm in reply to: Does anyone have experience overcoming habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation? #403695HelcatParticipantThanks Peter! How are you doing? Please feel free to chime in at any point. I’m always keen to learn about others experiences and perspectives.
HelcatParticipantOn the plus side, you mentioned that you feel guilt for feeling nothing towards your parents and siblings. This suggests to me that you do care, despite the experiences that you are currently having. Perhaps things will become more balanced in time?
Do you think these feelings of isolation are related to feeling like other people don’t understand you? Could you explain a little more about the isolation?
HelcatParticipantHi Berta!
Your difficulties after that experience sound distressing. It’s difficult to discuss without more information. Your English is very good though!
It’s good that you sought a therapist though perfectly okay if you feel things aren’t working out. It sounds like you’re doing your best to take care of yourself through this unique situation.
Personally, I’ve seen many people have difficulties arise with spiritual practices. It can be tricky to work through things on your own. It is often helpful to work with an experienced practitioner who can guide you through any difficulties.
Are you in a country where you have access to traditional Chinese medicine? I’ve found practitioners of this system quite helpful myself.
The only other thing I can recommend is relaxing. Yoga is excellent for this, but whatever works best for you would be great too. It might not sound like much, but it sounds like the experiences you are having are quite distressing. Stabilising your mood via a repeated effort to relax could be helpful. I hope you taking care of yourself in other ways like eating regularly and exercise? Both of which also help with mood. I hope that these difficulties ease soon!
July 6, 2022 at 7:47 am in reply to: Does anyone have experience overcoming habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation? #403523HelcatParticipantI’ve been learning a lot recently and it’s built around concepts that I’ve known about for a while, yet never really delved into.
There is a concept in Buddhism of addiction to emotions. A level of attachment to our own experience. Physically this develops as well. Our brains acclimate to processing the experiences that we are having.
For me, someone with a background in trauma anxiety and fear have been part of my experience for a long time.
Another question is how we choose to spend our time and how do our choices affect us? Do our choices perpetuate a level of anxiety?
And when we feel anxiety, how do we pull ourselves back from that?
I’m considering at the moment, who do I want to be? Personally, I’d like to move past these anxiety issues. I’d like to be calm, happy and confidence when dealing with difficulties in life.
I’m learning about the importance of visualizing positive outcomes. The key with this is to generate positive emotions which I’m practicing during meditation.
I’ve managed to calm myself by simply asking? Is this who I want to be? I could be someone who is upset by something that happened, or I could refocus on the present and enjoy what I’m currently doing.
Physically, I’m training my body to relax multiple times a day. I recently managed to relax my spine for the first time. I’m hopeful that I can encourage my body to retain this relaxed state with repetition.
I can’t keep up with all of the physical practices that my teacher recommends, but I am doing my best. A lot of the exercises that I’m doing are related to breath work. I was very interested in breath work since it is supposed to be helpful in soothing the nervous system.
I radically altered my diet since I have been having stomach problems. When it comes to pain management, stomach issues increase pain sensitivity.
July 1, 2022 at 8:46 am in reply to: Does anyone have experience overcoming habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation? #403333HelcatParticipantThanks to delving into Buddhism, Daoism and training with my first teacher I feel like I’m making some headway on the topic of habitual suicidal ideation.
I was paying attention to my body when the thoughts started occurring. I noticed that I had a headache in a particular spot and it pulsed along side the thoughts.
I breathed deeply, focused on relaxing the area and it eased quickly.
HelcatParticipantIf anyone is searching for a teacher, one can be found on Daobums.
May 25, 2022 at 2:58 am in reply to: Does anyone have experience overcoming habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation? #401085HelcatParticipantI had an argument with my husband.
I was feeling defensive about something that I didn’t do well. This was a trigger for me because my mother used to make up lame excuses as to why she planned to physically abuse me.
I wasn’t entirely aware of the depth of that trigger until today.
My pattern is to feel defensive, explain that I’m hurt and how to improve feedback in the future. I seek reassurance from my husband that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
I have a recurring thought. I’m afraid of being abused. I didn’t understand where this came from. I took it literally to mean my present day and as a result I am hyper-vigilant, looking for signs of abuse. The reality is that I’m afraid of my past abuse or the potential for abuse to reoccur.
I don’t think this pattern is helpful. I will tell my husband when the trigger is active. Now that I’m aware of the specific trigger I can remind myself that the situation is different. I’m safe, loved and not going to be physically abused because I didn’t do something perfectly. The real reason for the abuse was not something that I did, but that my mother was seeking the power she felt while abusing us.
May 22, 2022 at 2:13 am in reply to: I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all. #400908HelcatParticipantHi Lea!
I’m wondering how your parents respond to walking away from them when they start arguing?
You are doing the best you can to advocate for yourself and they are being unreasonable. It reminds me of my own family.
How I coped when living with a moody parent was by refusing to engage with that type of behaviour.
None of this is your fault. It sounds like they are having difficulty adjusting to you being an adult. Many parents do. You are doing what any adult would do, express your own desires and advocating for yourself when you are treated unfairly.
They are taking you pointing out their mistakes very personally, when they should be praising your growth for being able to do so.
HelcatParticipantHappy birthday Eric!
I’m sorry that today has been a tough day emotionally for you. Today of all days, you deserve happiness.
Personally, I have never received birthday cakes from friends. Cherish those memories! You’re right priorities do change for some people as they age. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing though, just a different thing. It sounds like they cherish the memories of being friends with you in high school and university, but as you said have lost touch living in different areas, moving on with their lives.
I hope that you take extra special care of yourself today to soothe these birthday blues. You do deserve to be happy! Perhaps you could watch a favourite to show or movie?
It’s good that your close friends reached out to wish you well on your birthday and that you got a birthday cake from your family. I hope you can arrange to do something fun to celebrate with your close friends at some point!
HelcatParticipantYou might want to consider why you feel the need to insult and verbally abuse people that you disagree with while pretending that it’s compassion.
May 21, 2022 at 1:11 am in reply to: I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all. #400877HelcatParticipant*Or was the trigger how she responded?
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