Hi Lily

I’m glad that you’re going to do your best to respect his boundaries. It really is the only healthy way things move forward in your relationship. It’s equally important that your feelings are still acknowledged and heard.

Have you had any bad experiences where people have lied to you in the past?

I’m sorry that your partner lied and it took an ultimatum for your partner to be honest with you. As someone who values honesty, do you feel like that is more hurtful than what happened while you were both on a break?

In a perfect world. How would you want your partner to respond to you about this issue? What would actually help you rebuild trust and recover from this?

Hi Lily

It’s tricky since your partner has a habit of withholding the truth. You can either drop it and accept that he didn’t divulge because he was afraid of hurting you and losing the relationship or continue to ask him about it hoping he will reveal more hidden truths later on or speak to the mutual friend in question.

I can understand your partner hiding that would  making you feel nervous because it could mean any number of things.

I can also understand why he felt like sharing that would hurt you and chose to hide it. I’m not excusing it, because lying by omission is wrong.

He tried to get back together with you for months. Shortly before you agreed he slept with a mutual friend. I can definitely see how sharing this might put your newly reestablished relationship at risk, which could be the reason why he waited until things were more settled to tell you. Or it could be that he got tired of the asking and thought being honest would put an end to it.

Can I ask how your relationship is outside of this issue?

The difficulty with pursuing this issue further is that it’s causing arguments. Is it worth putting the relationship at risk?

There may also be a 4th option. You could mention to your partner when you are having these anxious thoughts. But accept his boundaries. Don’t ask him anymore questions and take care to phrase things in a less direct way.

For example: “I’m feeling insecure. My anxiety is acting up and fears about what happened with our mutual friend are popping up again”.

I found that my partner is more receptive to my anxious thoughts when he doesn’t feel blamed in any way.

What are your thoughts about all of this?

Hi Mina

Your mom is bullying you and this is wrong. If your mom says something the opposite is more likely to be true.

You deserve peace, happiness and to be treat kindly.

Hi Mina

I’m very sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve received all of these years.

Realistically, improvements happen when you are able to escape situations like that. The question is, is this in any way shape or form possible for you?

It is not your fault that all of these bad things have happened to you and you don’t deserve it.

I doubt that your mother is actually happy. I’ve never met an abuser who is. The pleasure people get from hurting others is short lived at best and generally they hate themselves because they are aware of the pain their actions cause others.

Hi Daniel

That’s great! I was just checking. I can already see from your replies that you’ve made a lot of good progress with your therapy. I’m sure that you will continue to grow and achieve some great results.

I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with these issues dating. I can understand feeling fed up and needing a break from it all after what you’ve been experiencing. It’s healthy to allow yourself time to process how you feel about it all.

On Tinder the average number of matches for men is 1 in 10. Of these, half typically end up with an actual date. Do you have any thoughts about how that compares with your experience?

You mentioned that your date went cold on you after your work trip. Do you find that you travel for work a lot or infrequently? Do you work long hours? I only ask because you have what women would consider potentially a high paying job. If there are a lot of hours and travelling some women can find themselves unsatisfied with the amount of time spent together. My friend who is an aeronautical engineer has expressed these differences in dating.

I’m also wondering if you mention your job on your dating profile and which dating apps you typically use?

Hi Eric

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy.

Realistically, do you think there are any changes your family can make to your Chinese New Year celebrations? Is there anything that you would like to do differently when your girlfriend is coming over?

Imagining scenarios that couldn’t possibly happen only increases anxiety. Approaching situations realistically using your problem solving skills is an important skill to practice to help manage your anxiety.

It sounds like you want this year to be special, do you have any ideas how to achieve that?

Hi Hamza

I’m glad that things are slowly  improving for you. Long may those improvements continue! It’s great that you’re focusing on healing.

Thank you for clarifying the context around the breakup. It makes a lot of sense. I had a feeling that something was going on that wasn’t quite right. It sounds like you got a lot of the blame for the break up from your partner and that didn’t “sit right” with me.

I had a long distance relationship as well and the first 6 months of living together was tough. When you’re used to your own space having someone there all of the time can get irritating. But then you adjust. I don’t know how things were for you both?

Like you said everyone has issues but they work through them and it can take time. I feel like your partner had communication issues and unrealistic expectations. What do you think about my opinion that you are not to blame for the breakup? Maybe this was a result of two people experiencing difficulties in a relationship?