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Hi Jo!
I think you’re doing all the right things to try and help your son. Remember not to neglect yourself. I hope that things will work out in time when he starts seeing his therapist. There so much that you can do for him, he will have to figure out the rest himself.
Your son is very lucky to have such a caring and loving mom.
Hi sbreeze
I’m glad that you are feeling much better now! That’s very kind of you to say.
Personally, I don’t see emotions as the problem.
Often, we become afraid of things due to traumatic past experiences. Humans are great at pattern recognition, so when something bad happens we look for similar scenarios. It is very difficult to live life constantly on guard.
I like to write down the outcomes of situations that I am afraid of, this helps by providing evidence to combat my fears.
I believe that coming to terms with traumatic past experiences and learning to control how we respond when emotions occur are important. Any actions we take are more important than the emotions themselves.
It’s good that you have found your own way of dealing with these things.
Hi Bee
Personally, I don’t think your ex handled the relationship well at all. From what you said they sounded intensely critical of your mental health issues as a result of your abuse. Did you confide that you had experiences of abuse?
I had a variety of similar issues when I was younger and not once did my partners criticise me so. People were understanding and compassionate and instead of treating me with distain when I was upset. They comforted me and heard me out. They understood that what I was feeling was not because of them, it was because of abuse. They were able to communicate in healthy ways their needs without attempting to blame things on me.
If anyone used my mental health issues that developed because of abuse against me I would have been very hurt.
I disagree that what they said wasn’t intentional. It seems like they are very good at explaining away any wrongdoing on their part while at the same time turning around and blaming you.
When someone doesn’t admit any faults or wrongdoing in a relationship and consistently blames someone else. They are avoiding responsibility for their own actions.
There are lots of troubling things that your ex said but specifically focusing on the conversation that is the focus of this thread.
“They told me they thought about breaking up with me” Threatening to leave someone is abusive.
“They told me they were surprised I was receptive” That is negging you and implies that you’re not reasonable or abusive.
“I think them telling me it had felt bad for them for so long without telling me was the most hurtful part.”
“I asked them why they didn’t tell me right away and they said they ‘told me as soon as they knew how they felt’.”
People don’t feel bad for so long then suddenly realise how they felt. It’s one or the other. Either he felt that way for a long time and chose to say nothing. Or he started to feel bad about the behaviour more recently. It comes across to me as him denying his responsibility to tell you as soon as he is aware of those feelings.
The exchange perfectly summarises the theme in the relationship where he acts poorly blaming you, then denies his own responsibility for his actions. I’m guessing that a lot of his inappropriate remarks and behaviour were unchallenged because you were consistently made to feel at fault. This was not, responsibly telling a partner when challenging feelings arise “I feel pressured or upset when I refuse intimacy you shut down.” Instead he threatened you, implied that you were abusive, guilted you and denied his responsibility to discuss issues when they arise.
I’m not suggesting that you bear no responsibility in the relationship. I’m pointing out that your anxiety wasn’t the only problem with the relationship. As Anita said learning to manage your emotions in relationships and in general is really important.
Hi Bee
This feeling of being defective or unlovable can be addressed. For me, it comes from a longing that any child has for a loving family that cares.Is this similar for you? Fortunately, we can learn to love ourselves, we can also receive love from a number of people including friends. The latter d cannot replace the former. Learning to love yourself is essential. I would also say it is important to see the situation for what it was instead of blaming yourself for it.
People are not always mature enough to handle these delicate conversations sensitively. It is okay to for a partner to say it makes me feel pressured when I refuse and you get upset and confide that they have been difficulties saying n, which lead them to do something that they weren’t comfortable with. I wonder when communicating the consent issues did your partner say anything particularly harsh at the time? I ask because I know how easy it is to internalise the criticism of others when we care about them.
I would agree, schools didn’t teach me enough about consent either. Not to mention, abuse tends to mess with boundaries! I was also raised with “all men want sex 24/7” I really don’t like that stereotype.
My understanding (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that there were mutual issues regarding consent. When he raised his issues, you met his needs. Did he even hear your issues with consent? It certainly seems like your needs weren’t met. I totally understand with the abuse you experienced it is difficult to set that boundary.
The thing about relationships is that there is implicit consent. Once consent is established, partners do not always check every time. They trust each other to communicate their needs otherwise when the time arises.
I think that until you are ready to communicate your needs to a potential partner it is a bad idea to date. As a victim of previous abuse, I wish someone told me this. Dating without the ability to withdraw consent can be very traumatic.
I find it concerning that your partner gave no visible indication that he was unhappy with the arrangement before raising this issue. My partner hums and haws giving visible indications sometimes and changes his mind (as he is entitled to). This doesn’t seem to have been the case at all for you.
I can understand your fears in other relationships. The truth is though, not relationship is going to be the same as the one with your ex. You can even make consent less daunting by assigning code phrases. I simply ask my husband “How are you feeling?”.
When I say wholly loved, I am comparing the love say with my husband, to the attachment with family. I feel like they’re only partly care about me. At any point they might turn around and say you’re disowned again. Maybe next time is for good. There is that feeling of distain for me that is along side feelings of attachment. It is a very different experience with my husband. He loves and accepts me for who I am. Despite any arguments, we treat each other with respect and try to understand each other. I also have friends that love and respect me. Do you understand why I used the word whole now?
I like the acronym you came up with! I think never being abused by loved ones is a good goal. Sadly, I don’t think it’s always within our control in every circumstance such as work. We can do the best we can to protect ourselves in other situations. But we can decide who we choose to interact with closely.
For me, these things are not necessary in the form of intense flashbacks. It tends to be my own thoughts that have taken on the abusive cycle. If that makes sense. The rumination, catastrophising and suicidal ideation for example. It is a lot better than it used to be, still some things to work on though.
I tend to only have intense flashbacks when I intentionally subject myself to intense triggers. I can usually pull back before things get to that stage. I think this is because I did some very intense therapy called prolonged exposure therapy. Before that therapy, I was having intense flashbacks constantly.
I agree though, it is definitely an important goal to eliminate that internalised abusive voice I learned from others. As always, I value and appreciate your thoughts!
Very true! When I was younger a relative was having difficulty swimming. I tried to help her and she clung to me trying to drag me down with her. I got her off me and waited for her to stop struggling, before helping her again.
I thought about this and agree. So far I have managed to heal up to a certain point. But healing will always be to a certain point, while I allow abuse to a certain point.
Last night I thought about what it would be like if I was wholly loved and respected by everyone I let into my life. I wondered how that might change me and how I would heal.
You mentioned that cessation of abuse was only the first step. I’m curious about what other steps there are?
Hi Bee!
I’m glad you decided to share these feelings. I invite you to consider how people are responding to you on your post. This is a real scenario where you are finding out how people are responding to your actions. Not a hypothetical scenario where you believe that people will criticise you as you criticise yourself.
People that have been severely abused tend to internalise and take on the narrative of their abusers.
This can lead to feelings of worthlessness and even believing on some level that they deserve abuse. Abuse victims often continue the cycle of abuse with themselves. Before this situation occurred what was it that you focused on and used to criticised yourself for?
I’m not saying what happened was right, but your response to being informed of the situation was. What happened is unfortunate but understandable. I don’t think anyone can condemn you for that.
Were you even taught about consent as a child or young adult? I’m guessing not.
A good rule of thumb for sexual relationships according to my therapist was that both parties should be extremely enthusiastic and happy about it. If either you, or your partner isn’t enthusiastic or happy it would not be good idea to continue.
Have you ever slept with a partner (I’m not suggesting recollecting experiences of sexual assault) and not felt enthusiastic about it? This is a very common issue in relationships. Often people do push themselves to make their partners happy. Does that mean that every such encounter is sexual assault? I would suggest not because people are not mind readers.
Hi statix
I’m sorry for your difficulties. You’re right. These thoughts are a form of self-abuse.
What I can suggest that helped me with thoughts of self-hatred. Is that for me, practicing saying positive things that I didn’t believe to be true was unhelpful.
Perhaps it is a little early to directly address that issue? A less direct way might be helpful? If you can be kind to yourself in other areas, that is good preparation for learning to be kind to yourself in regard to your difficulties.
Perhaps you could start by writing positive things that you like about yourself in general? My advice is to only do this while you are feeling calmer. Practicing these exercises while you are upset is going to lead to more self abuse.
My thoughts about writing positively about yourself in a more general way are:
What makes someone a good person? Do you share any of these characteristics?
What are some good aspects of your personality? Are you a caring person? Are you kind, loyal, do you try and help or support others? Are you intelligent or hardworking? Do you have a good sense of humour? Do you have any skills that you are good at?
If you are still uncomfortable with these positive things. Please feel free to try a more balanced approach.
Considering what makes someone a bad person can be helpful. Do you share any of those characteristics?
If writing down negative traits is what allows you to consider positive traits go ahead. I certainly found this helpful. But do so without emotion like a lawyer. Considering the pros and cons. Keep it succinct and remember that negative traits can be worked on. Try and keep the negative traits less or equal to the positive traits. If you are only writing down bad traits stop because it is not helpful.
Please see the example below.
Pros: Good with computers and animals, intelligent, kind
Cons: Anticipates arguments and gets defensive, gets upset due to mental health issues frequently
What can I do to address the negative traits?
Keep working on improving my mental health. Go back to therapy if I’m not able to deal with these issues alone in 3 months.A good way of being kinder to yourself is to write down when you do good things. If this is difficult start paying attention to little things like:
Holding a door for someone, returning someone’s keys if they drop them, making an effort to be polite (saying please and thank you), buying someone a gift, or cooking someone a meal. If you have pets, caring for your pets is a good quality too.
Again, if you need to balance it by writing down negative actions that is fine. For example:
Postive actions: Helped people learn English, took care of pets, kind to people I live and work with
Negative actions: Argued with family, forgot to send some emails, haven’t kept up with housework
What can I do to address negatives?
Consider revisiting therapy to deal with family issues. Set reminders to send emails then send the emails tomorrow, I will do some housework at the weekend because I am busy tomorrow.Writing down any compliments that people give you can build confidence. This could include compliments about hairstyle, clothes, possessions, hobbies, interests, personality, work and skills. Compliments aren’t just about physical appearance! Writing down when people say kind things to you might be helpful too.
Sometimes it can be painful trying to think kindly about ourselves. A good way to get around this is by distancing yourself from the situation. What would you say if a friend confided in you what you just shared? Would you comfort them or shame them?
I think there is one other important topic to consider. Challenging self-abuse. This doesn’t necessarily mean trying to stop negative thoughts in the early stages. Simply, considering what you think or feel about the topic is a good start. Remember, to do these exercises when you are feeling calmer.
Self-abuse is harmful. Do you agree? Do you enjoy feeling upset (silly question but please humour me)? In what ways does self-abuse harm you and make your life more difficult? What would life be like for you if you didn’t have to deal with these behaviours of self-abuse? Would you like to stop these behaviours? If someone else were treating you this way, would you tolerate it? Do you deserve to be treat this way?
I’m glad you are working with a therapist. I hope they can help you discuss what led to developing this behaviour of self-abuse.
Hi Bee
It is a good thing that you care about unintentionally hurting your ex. It means that you are a caring person and would never intentionally hurt someone! As you experienced, a side effect of abuse is that you can learn some bad habits. Being a victim of abuse is not your fault and only when we are conscious and aware of our behaviour can we correct it. As soon as your partner spoke to you, the issue was immediately addressed. It should be noted that your partner also had issues with communication. They should have told you much sooner that this was how they felt so you could address the problem. For the reasons listed above are likely the reasons why they forgave you. I’m guessing there were also good parts of the relationship as well as the unhealthy parts.
The only thing I can add about learning to forgive yourself is what does continuing to beat yourself up achieve? Upsetting you as far as I can tell. What good does that do? You have learned from the experience, apologised and corrected your behaviour. Will you ever do the same thing again? What would you say to a friend if they confided in you what you just shared? Would you condemn them or comfort them? If the answer differs from how you treat yourself the issue isn’t really about forgiving yourself. The truth would be that you have a behaviour of self-criticism and this might ultimately be the source of the thoughts. Do you think you might want to learn to overcome behaviours of self-criticism? This is a form of self-abuse.
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