@anita

I think there’s a desire to be loved and accepted by family. It’s sad, even by my own definition they don’t love me, because I’m not treat with respect. I believe that they care to some extent, as much as they can.

I’m afraid to give up on that because of the idea because in the back of my mind it’s blaming me because of my previous experiences. My biological mother couldn’t love me, my second family couldn’t. I am the common denominator. Apart from they all have mental health issues and a history of abuse.

There’s a fear of abandoning them. I support the family members that I am in contact with as they are abused by other family members.

They also expressed a fear of me abandoning them because I left my biological family. I don’t want to hurt them.

I know these are just fears. At the end of the day, pain is a part of their lifestyle and by staying in contact I am subjecting myself to that. Why? Because I love them and want to help. Is that a fair? I can’t save them for themselves, I can’t make them change, they have to want that for themselves.

I also feel indebted because they took me in as a child. I believe I would have likely committed suicide if I had to fend for myself alone during that period.

In some ways I have put them first, because I tolerated the abuse. I have to start protecting myself!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.

@anita

Yes, I would say that is an accurate summary of events. Thanks for your feedback! I think you have the right idea. I’ll see how it goes distancing myself from them a bit. It has been helpful discussing the situation. I really appreciate you sharing your reasoning behind why you left. I took some time to think it over, because ultimately it means confronting that I’m not being treat with respect, the attachment that is partly the reason that I have allowed these behaviours to continue and my fear about losing my family.

@anita

It would take a lot to explain. Let’s just say, I wasn’t accepted by the whole family when I was taken in. Older family members that weren’t raised with me don’t see me as part of the family.

Their views have never been challenged. I cut contact with them but I am still in contact with other family members. The family members that didn’t accept me, argue a lot with other family members about them still being in contact with me.

Also, the family members that I am in contact with have mental health issues and their own histories of abuse. They picked up some bad habits from those experiences.

Over time, after asking them to stop, they have been getting better about not yelling or swearing.

But I am ignored for a week or two weeks wjen I bring up something they did that made me feel hurt. I have also been disowned by these family members before for the same reason.

They have habits of saying one thing, then later denying they said it. And claiming not to remember what was said in situations they are upset at me for, this makes it easy for them to deny their behaviour when they don’t remember.

Sometimes people communicate poorly when they are stressed and upset others. Usually, people are supposed to apologise. But they believe because they are stressed I’m not allowed to say anything about the way I was treat until they decide they are ready to deal with it when they feel better. I am expected to defer my emotions when they have hurt me.

They often blame me for being hurt and turn around and say that I am the one at fault.

I get defensive with everyone when I feel an argument is about to develop. I feel that I can defend my boundaries a bit too much, because I am afraid of allowing myself to be abused. By this, I mean that I don’t tend to let many things slide. So if someone upsets me, they hear about it. Sometimes, when I get emotional, I share my fears and worries. That can make them feel hurt and defensive too.

I hope this explains the situation a bit better.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Cecilia

I’m sorry for all of the suffering you’ve experienced. My advice if you are not willing to leave immediately, is look for a new job. This will position you in a better place when you choose to leave.

It is the story of many people to repeat the cycle of abuse before they are able to escape it.

There are many abusive people out there and it is easy for someone to hide their abusive behaviour until you live with them for a sustained period of time. By this point, you already care about them and financial concerns make it difficult to leave.

The only way to protect yourself is to have very strict boundaries. If someone treats you badly and they do not make a considerable consistent effort to alter their behaviour and change end the relationship. A strong desire to be loved and poor self-esteem can make this very challenging. Good luck figuring everything out!

Hi David

I think it’s good that you understand what you want in a relationship now. I hope you can build on this and have a healthy relationship in the future.

Can you explain a little more about feeling like you can’t be yourself around others?

Sometimes it can be difficult for people to identify if their parents did a good job or not.

Did your parents yell or scold you? We’re there any problems with alcohol use? Was there any violence at home? Did they speak to you kindly and let you know that you are loved? Were your parents faithful to each other? Did you ever feel lonely and wish they spent more time with you?

That being said, trauma can come from anywhere. It doesn’t have to come from parents. If you are bullied a lot at school. Or there was someone else in your life that treat you poorly?

@anita

Thank you for the information! I will have to do more research about the relationship between anger and pain.

One thing that I am aware of is that anger increases pain sensitivity. I read that it contributes to heart and breathing problems too. I have breathing problems and a high heart rate. So hopefully addressing this issue will help with that.

I have been practicing meditation on and off for many years. After learning that a lot of psychology is based on Buddhism I have been learning about it and committing to meditation regularly.

Communicating with you has been helping because it has focused my attention on the core issue. Whereas before it was unfocused and I was hyper vigilant looking for signs of abuse everywhere. I have been able to communicate better in arguments, they are less frequent and shorter now.

I think I’m finally ready to do some of the work that was unfinished in therapy.

I’m not entirely sure what I felt for my mother when she was weak and frail. There were a lot of complicated feelings. Disgust, pity, she was pathetic. She was a very sick woman mentally.

Yet, when she was starving herself to death in the hospital I told her that I would refuse to visit her if she didn’t start eating.

It was hard to cut off from her completely. It took a couple of years. Part of me wanted her to change so I could forgive her and continue the relationship. How was it for you when you cut contact with your mother?

@anita

Thank you for your understanding!

I hope that connecting and expressing my anger will improve my mental health. If it help with chronic pain that would be a bonus.

In my mind, this is all very present at the moment. If that makes sense? I’m referring to my last memories of her as a teenager vs my memories of her when I was a child. As I said, there were dramatic differences between how she used to be compared to what she became. As a child I saw her as a monster and was terrified of her. In my last memory of her in person, she didn’t inspire fear, instead I pitied her.

@anita

Apologies for the delayed reply and for not letting you know when I’d be available. My life is a quite chaotic at the moment. I will do my best to estimate what is going on when I can. It won’t always be accurate. I will always do my best to return when I’m able.

My heart goes out to you dealing with those triggers on a daily basis. I understand what it is like to need a break from an abusive person. Thank you for clarifying the various factors that adversely affected your ability to maintain your boundaries.

For me, whilst I instinctively emotionally felt harmful behaviours were wrong. I was falsely conditioned to believe that certain behaviours were normal and accept them. For a large part of my life I accepted verbal abuse, simply because it wasn’t physical or sexual abuse.

I am only now beginning to connect to anger that I had repressed for decades. It was not safe for me to feel anger as a child, any attempt to defend myself worsened the abuse so I often “converted” those emotions to sadness. Even in therapy, I was unable to talk to a chair while imagining my mother was in it.

I think the memory of my mother from when I was young is very different from the reality of how she is now. I managed to confront her once in my late teens, but she was a shadow of her former self. I only confronted her because she stole from another family member.

Thank you for your patience and kindness, it is much appreciated.