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I appreciate your feedback!
To clarify, I feel like the emotions experienced with gaslighting are different from the emotions associated with guilt when inappropriate behaviour has occurred.
I didn’t worry that I had wronged another person. I felt shame, anger and sadness as I was being abused. I was bullied into feeling that I had it coming, not for doing wrong. But for existing. I felt that I existed to be abused and expected only that. This is why I chose the word shame. And this is why I said overly responsible, not because it my fault. It was simply my reality.
Even as a child I had awareness of gaslighting. My mother often told me she loved me, but her behaviour told me otherwise. I was aware that I hadn’t wronged anyone, it was practical to attempt to reduce the level abuse of abuse if at all possible.
I was acutely aware of the inherent danger I was in and I did feel powerless. A small child cannot fight off a 200+ lbs adult. A 100 lbs teenager cannot fight a 200+ lbs adult, though I tried.
The level of abuse and neglect I experienced at the hands of my mother was severe. She wasn’t tired of any chores because I was the one who did them. From the age of 4-5 I used a stove to prepare simple meals for myself and my brother if food was in the house. I looked after the dog, took care of my abuser, protected my brother and cleaned the house.
Most of my childhood she spent sleeping, the rest of the time she was out (leaving us home alone), rarely purchasing food, watching tv, getting drunk and abusing us.
Thank you for elaborating, I found it very helpful. I am glad to hear that you are in significantly less pain now.
It makes sense that I may have to learn more about the reasons why these thoughts occur and the feelings behind them.
I don’t believe it’s based in guilt for me. As a child I felt alone and unloved because of the abuse. For a long time, I struggled with feelings of not being good enough or being unlovable. At the time, I blamed myself, as children do. I have a fear that rears it’s head occasionally. I worry that my loved ones will one day decide they made a mistake by caring for me and abandon me. Arguments definitely trigger these feelings. I guess, I fear feeling how I did in the past.
Generally, I am in significantly less emotional pain these days. But, I also get overwhelmed and upset fairly easily.
Also, I have a bad habit of avoiding physical pain by focusing on anxiety. I have a habit of worrying about various stressors in my life as opposed to focusing on emotional pain from the past.
Hi Brian
Thank you for elaborating on the issue!
Whilst some people do this when they don’t like people there are other reasons why people act in this way.
1) People may have difficulties that they are not discussing.
2) Often people have fairly small circles of close friends. Then there tends to be friends that they talk to less frequently.
3) Some people have very busy lives, especially those with children and working for example.
4) It is really easy to read a text then put down the phone and forget about it.
I’m not trying to defend these behaviours; simply explain that at least some of the time the intent may be different. I think it’s great that you set boundaries by not interacting with people that don’t put effort into maintaining a relationship.
Hi Brian
Thank you for sharing that, it means a lot! It helps me understand you.
I don’t mind if you don’t answer questions. Your thoughts and feelings are private and it’s up to you whether you wish to discuss them.
Life is too short to put up with people for years.I doubt many people have the capacity to do such a thing. Were there any specific things those people did that gave you that impression?
There is a saying that you might find helpful. If someone treats you poorly, it says more about them than it does about you. This means the way that people treat each other is often dictated by their internal world. Someone in a good mood is more likely to respond positively even when confronted with challenging circumstances. Whereas someone in a bad mood might respond poorly to everything.
I can understand the difficulty of finding the right balance and appreciate your honesty.
I hope we can continue speaking. I think you communicated your thoughts and feelings very well. I feel this conversation has been meaningful.
Hi Arie
That is understandable! He is going through a very difficult time at the moment. He communicated that he isn’t able to be as responsive at the moment and isn’t able to see you right now for a very good reason. I’m sure when he is able he will be in contact with you.
You are correct. None of this is your fault, he is simply trying to pick up the pieces and put himself back together after the abuse he received from his mother. It is very kind of you to be concerned and want to help. But this is something he may largely have to do alone until he feels better and the abuse dies down.
I recommend against going over. He may not feel up to leaving the house due to his depression and being around his mother is a bad idea as it may encourage her to involve you in her abuse. When he feels up to it picking him up and going elsewhere might be a good option.
How are you doing? I hope you are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself occupied to distract yourself from the stress of your partners situation.
Hi Brian
I would add that here it might be helpful for you to politely discuss when you feel uncomfortable around others.
In person, when socialising setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily involve discussion. It might simply be politely asking someone not to do something or politely excusing yourself. With closer friends or family discussion might be involved if they are open to it.
Hi Brian
I have found it difficult to socialise with people due to a lack of trust after experiencing trauma. I also have a learning disability so people often describe me as weird. But weird isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My husband is weird and I love that about him. Own your weird!
My own low self-esteem and social anxiety issues caused me to feel uncomfortable around others.
Seeking therapy, addressing self-esteem and social anxiety issues helped me. Also, I had to practice being around people while I was uncomfortable in order to relax around them and be more comfortable. Depending on the situation this took a great deal of time, patience and willingness to experience discomfort.
Personally, I am not uncomfortable when discussing things with you. I experience mild discomfort when my morals and even myself as a person are dismissed. Dismissing people is often considered rude or hurtful. You have a habit of performing this behaviour.
Do I believe that you intend to cause harm by doing this? I hope not, I believe that you may do this when you are feeling uncomfortable.
Perhaps there is a middle ground that could be reached? That may involve altering your communication style in an effort not to dismiss people or simply thanking people for their feedback.
Personally, I had to learn to alter my communication style and set boundaries because I had a habit of allowing abuse. Assertiveness is a great communication style that I found helpful.
Hi Arie
I have been following this thread. I think it’s understandable why you have been concerned. You sensed that something was amiss and it was.
He is depressed and avoiding you because of abuse at home. His mother threatened to kick him out because you are dating (She would threaten this with any girlfriend). As you are being involved in the abuse, it’s understandable that he needs space during this tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle. None of this is your fault, but you do need to accept what is happening.
In a less tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle his depressive mood may stabilise. There is a small chance he may resume the relationship then if you respect his needs and give him the space he asked for.
During the requested space, perhaps it might be okay to ask if he would mind you texting him say once a week to check in? Whatever timeframe he agrees to you should accept and stick to.
I’m sorry that things are painful because a) he is suffering and you want to be there for him and b) he isn’t able to cater to your needs during this time. You must ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship? He may have difficulty sustaining a relationship while he lives with his mother. If things recover I recommend that you do not spend time at his house. Meeting elsewhere would be ideal.
As for S&M, if he doesn’t try and coerce you into participating I see no issue. It is up to you whether you participate or not. Be prepared to set some boundaries about what you do and don’t want to do!
Hi Petalinthewind
I’m glad to hear that you had a good day!
It’s natural to consider these things, especially during difficult times. Thoughts and feelings are often spontaneous. We don’t choose how we feel, we choose how we respond to it. You were very careful in how you chose to respond. Well done on protecting yourself and your marriage from this predatory man.
I agree with Anita’s conclusion about your ex and his character. Chances are if you were willing he would have used you while staying with his wife.
Is that really love? If anything, he’ll probably move on to looking for another individual he can use while hiding his behaviour from his wife. I feel sorry for her!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 