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I’m very sorry that you were treat like that! Your mother’s behaviour was horrible. You were quite right to feel angry and a desire to protect yourself from her abuse.
I would very much appreciate sharing more about our experiences. If there is anything else you would like to share, please feel free.
Sadly, I don’t think it’s possible for a child to protect themselves from an abusive parent. The nature of this abuse means that the parent is seeking out to abuse someone who is vulnerable, under their control and unable to protect themselves.
These people are manipulative cowards, because they behave completely differently with people who aren’t vulnerable or under their control and are able to protect themselves. This proves that they are in control of their behaviour, otherwise they would behave this way with everyone. There is a level of predatory behaviour, as abusers identify victims based on how they respond to their boundaries being crossed.
Children typically rely on their parents for everything. Such as food, clothing, transportation, healthcare, comfort, entertainment, education, socialisation and boundaries. The nature of the relationship gives parents a tremendous amount of control.
Physically, children are too small to fight effectively until at least teenage years (depending on gender and weight). By this point, an abused child has been conditioned to act in a way that the abusive parent approves of.
For a time, I compartmentalised different kinds of abuse because I felt the pain from certain kinds were so overwhelming that I couldn’t cope with the additional pain of other types of abuse.
After much therapy and as an adult I see the devastating impact of verbal abuse. It shapes our minds. The behaviour you described and her words shaped so much of your life both internal and externally.
Why? Because she was in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on you because causing you pain and watching you submit made her feel powerful.
You were always a good girl Anita. You were never the problem, she was. Children are inherently innocent and deserving of love and protection. You didn’t deserve to be treat the way you were. You are a very good woman. Your kindness and compassion inspire.
Sorry if anything is too emotional. Please let me know if there is anything that you wouldn’t like me to say.
How does it happen that many women (and men) are stupid when it comes to love? My answer: because as children, when the people we love most, our parents, lie to us, we believe them because we love them, and unless we re-evaluate their lies, we proceed to build our lives based on their lies and contradictory messages, remaining confused, dysfunctional and… stupid. This has been the story of decades of my life, lots of stupidity and it started with the lies my mother told me, the contradictory messages that confused the wit out of me… leaving me… well, stupid.
Well said, a salient point Anita! I don’t think you were stupid though.
A quote I find apt. “Mother is God in the eyes of a child.”
In an abusive relationship, a child doesn’t dare question their mother. As teenagers and even adults, many of us who haven’t been taught how to protect ourselves by our families are naïve and still learning about the world and how to interact with the people in it.
My family taught me to accept abuse without protest. This normalised a lot of abusive behaviours, to the point where I had difficulty identifying poor behaviour as well as protecting myself from it. As you know, abuse victims have a tendency to gravitate towards people that perpetuate their cycle of abuse. It doesn’t help that various forms of abuse are prevalent throughout society either!
Sadly, these experiences are part of human nature. We can only hope to learn and grow as a result of our experiences.
Hi Kamila
It looks like my previous reply was filtered out by moderators. I’m not sure why? Possibly because I shared a link to resources. Fortunately, I copied the message before attempting to post it. Please see below:
Thank you for you kindness! I appreciate you sharing your difficulties.
I believe you when you say there is a language barrier, because you misunderstood my question.
What do you miss most from your life before your health issues developed?
I wasn’t asking about your health condition. I was asking what activities you enjoyed but can no longer do because of your health condition.
For me, it was important to include activities that I missed doing in my new lifestyle.
For example, I loved hiking. But I wasn’t able to hike anymore because of my health issues. When I don’t go outside I feel very unhappy. Now, I go on short walks and look for places to sit down and rest at frequently. When I don’t feel up to that, sitting in my garden or sitting in a car and looking at the countryside is helpful.
I hope the bold text was helpful. It it isn’t, please ask me to stop using bold text.
Your financial situation will improve when your husband learns German. This will help him get a better job.
I wish you both the best of luck! You seem lovely person and have taken care to reply to everyone that posted in your thread.
Hi Mary
I think it can be used in different contexts and mean different things.
Some people said that my husband was too much because he is loud, friendly, positive and outgoing. The people that said that were shy introverts.
Friends can use the phrase in a jokey way while laughing. “Oh, you’re too much!”
My sister often feels that she is too much because she has difficulties and worries about bringing others down or her emotions overwhelming others. She has been treat poorly by others.
I think it is difficult for some people to emotionally distance themselves from situations and give others the space they need to express themselves. A lot of people are hurt when their loved ones are in pain. I think that most of the time in these situations, people just need someone to listen and care about them without overly being involved in the situation. It is easier said than done!
I have a friend who has difficulties with some of her “friends” as she is experiencing difficult circumstances and talks about them. They feel emotionally brought down by her discussing these issues so they don’t want her to talk about it anymore. It is very painful going through difficult circumstances alone without being able to discuss it with people you care about. We all seek comfort and reassurance from loved ones.
Personally, I don’t believe in matching vibes. I can be happy, whilst someone else is sad and vice versa. What is important is communicating appropriately.
I think it’s entirely appropriate to set boundaries when you need to. If mental space is already limited, it’s fine to say “Please can we talk about this another time? I would like to be present and give you the care and attention this needs but I’m not able to do that right now. I’m feeling X, Y, Z myself.”
Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment.
There are lots of desperate people in need, hoping that others will take their problems away. More often than not, difficult choices need to be made.
Healing often involves suffering and the willingness to endure it. Whether in the chair of a therapist’s office, the side effects of medication, a surgeon is operating, laying on an acupuncture table or doing the best you can to manage your health at home.
Unfortunately, this message doesn’t always provide hope.
I am quite happy that you are sharing your own feelings, thoughts and experiences. I appreciate the time and effort you have taken to discuss this with me.
I have been very lucky, to receive a lot of help. It is extremely difficult to manage these situations alone. The reason I shared these details with you is because I sensed the comparisons you were making. I wanted you to be aware that it was a matter of different circumstances and a support network in place. You did the best you could, given the lack of support and resources available.
I’m very sorry to hear that your mother threatened your life. That must have been terrifying.
I can confidently say that you have helped me Anita. Through our discussion I have been able to understand why some of my anxious thoughts / habits occur. Previously, I wasn’t aware of the links to specific themes. I believe this will help me better manage my anxiety.
Therapy taught me a tool to address flashbacks. I plan on using this to address when catastrophising occurs.
The tool is as follows:
I have a tendency to catastrophise and worry about worst case scenarios when stressed or overwhelmed due to previous abuse. Those experiences lead me to anticipate suffering or abandonment and believe that I deserve it for existing. This is not true!
This is 2022, I am safe at home with my pets and husband. I have many good people in my life and have had many good experiences that I deserve. I will have many more good experiences in the future.
Worst case is rarely accurate. What are some reasonable alternatives to the worst case scenarios? Practice deep breathing until anxiety stabilises and do something kind for myself.
Also, I identified that my habits of using anxiety to distract from physical pain are probably not very helpful as stress increases pain sensitivity. So I really should nip these habits in the bud.
I will do some reading about the effects of trauma bonding and consider returning to therapy. Thank you for your advice!
Hi HoneyBlossom!
I didn’t realise that skin cancer would be a side effect of global warming. It does make sense! Thank you for your sharing. I’m glad that you are taking steps to protect yourself.
In my area, food prices have increased, produce from the supermarket goes bad within a couple of days. This never used to happen, which leads me to believe that food is being stored to near the end of it’s shelf life before being delivered to stores. Often, the store runs out of chicken and brown bread. The food shortages are mild at the moment. Farmers are announcing that food prices will rise again as they rely on energy to farm.
Energy prices have doubled here, 1/3 of households are so poor they meet the definition of living in poverty and 1 in 10 people access food banks.
I think that growing your own produce is a great idea to manage difficulties. I have noticed that chickens are becoming very popular pets.
I have been learning about foraging. There are lots of plants that are edible, but classed as weeds. I was surprised to learn this. I live by the coast and I was curious one day. I thought the Japanese are fond of seaweed. I wonder if other varieties are edible. It turn out that some are if you learn to prepare them.
Hi Kamila
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. I too have experienced health issues and found TCM acupuncture very helpful. The most helpful part for me was electro acupuncture which is essentially a TENS machine. You can purchase TENS machines fairly cheaply for use at home.
If there is an acupuncture school near you, they my may offer acupuncture with supervised students at reduced rates. Some also offer student discounts.
I’m not sure if you have received herbal medicine from your acupuncturist. My experience is that the quality varies wildly from acupuncturist to acupuncturist. If you found the herbal medicine of a high quality and helpful it may be worth putting money towards that over the acupuncture itself. If you TCM doctor is willing to share your diagnosis and prescription with you, you may find the herbal medicine cheaper online.
Acupuncture is excellent at reducing stress and relaxation. These are things you can also work on at home. On YouTube there are forms of yoga designed for access for people with health conditions which I found particularly helpful.
My mother was institutionalised because she expressed a desire to harm myself and my brother to a doctor.
We were placed in short term care whilst she recovered in hospital. When she was released from hospital I refused to return to her “care” because of the abuse.
Initially, I gave the option of pursuing a relationship with my mother from a distance on the condition that she acknowledged her abusive behaviour and apologised. She apologised but claimed to not remember any of the abuse. This was not enough for me as she was refusing to acknowledge her abusive behaviour. So I chose to cut contact entirely.
The state provided free access to child therapy for the abuse at home. This probably explains why I able to insist on setting boundaries as a teenager.
Honestly, I was terrified of her. As a child I cried myself to sleep at night. There were moments of rest between her abuse, but the abuse far outweighed those moments. Saying she loved me was like offering crumbs to someone starving. I did everything I could as a child to limit the time I was around her to protect myself. Once school age, this was relatively easy.
I can say that I did love her despite the abuse, as children do. I longed for her to be able to love me. However, I was acutely aware that she was incapable of returning those feelings.
Whilst some parents are incapable of love, children are inherently bonded to their parents. As I have grow older, my definition of love has become more rigid. I believe that love is based on treating people with kindness and respect.
Many people are too damaged by their own experiences and trapped in repeating the cycle of abuse. It takes a great deal of strength to break out of.
Well done on establishing those boundaries and protecting yourself, congratulations on breaking the cycle of abuse Anita. The circumstances you were born into were not your fault. I’m sorry that your mother wasn’t able to treat you with the love and kindness you deserve. I see that you are kind person and have helped many people.
What is interesting about love is that we are all born worthy of it, just by existing.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 