Hi thethinker2015,

If the fights were Fights That Matter, you wouldn’t be all lovey dovey the next week. Know what I mean? So when you fight about something, assume (I know it’s hard) that the fight really doesn’t matter.

Practice Radical Acceptance. He/she’s right. Say “Yes”. Listen. Agree. This may drive the other person crazy if they’re looking for a fight. But do this and see what happens. See how it goes. If you’re lucky, it may change the whole dynamic of the relationship. At the very least, you might learn something.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi ericah89,

It sounds like you are unevenly yoked. I would respect his decision. You don’t have to understand it (as he himself may not understand it), but do respect it. Moving in together maybe pushed him over the edge. That this is Real. That he is a Grown Up and things are now Real. Why else would he have gotten drunk? What is at the root of why he let himself do that and get behind the wheel?

I am sorry he is so conflicted, but that is not your problem to fix. Maybe when he’s in his thirties you two will be equals, but I wouldn’t wait for that.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Blake,

I’ve suffered on and off from social anxiety. As you get older it gets a little easier. One thing I’m learned (am learning) is that to have a friend you have to be a friend. So I had this list of likely people I would love to hang out with more. I looked at the list and was literally sweating bullets. I called some of them, and invited them over/went out for coffee. They LOVED it! I didn’t “want” anything form them, and I called them for THEM. They know they have a friend. Everyone is so busy now or has an agenda, it’s hard to have real friends. What a gift you are giving potential people. Think of it that way.

Maybe it’s time to live on your own? You might feel temporarily isolated, but that soon changes as you get roommates and a relationship.

Work on your diet. Take herbal supplements or chamomile tea to calm you down.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Don’t be on audition for people who already don’t like you. Which means don’t talk to her. Why bother?

When she met you (and it could have been anyone), she knew that the party’s over concerning her brother. I doubt any other person in her life would allow her to treat them that way, so of course all her ire is taken out on you. And guess what, her parents already know that that is how she is. If she took offence at what some passing joking comment online, she would take offence at anything.

What you do is see the family on holidays. Be super polite to her, no matter what she says or does. Then you will have done “your part”. She won’t do hers, but everyone knows that already. No worries.

The Hard Truth is: Most parents are very diplomatic and treat everyone the same. But some do not. To be clear, every parent has a favorite. Sometimes the favorite changes over time, or there will be a favored one in a certain situation. Your parents make it so obvious. I’d be hurt, too.

Your sister sounds too “perfect”. You may be labeled as “difficult”. Your Asperger’s son may also be labeled “difficult”. And the fact that the parents are willing to move into a “perfect” home with five kids?? Something is going on. That’s just nutty. I hope that the “perfect” family scene dissolves into base normalcy for the parents!

I would either scare them by packing your bags and saying, “Well, HERE we are!!” and make believe like you’re both staying at her house (“Until I get back on my feet” LOL). Or, just move across the country. Then have THEM see YOU! That may never happen, by the way, but at least you’d have PEACE.

Hi faber castell,

Sadly, men (even gay men) are culturally trained on the Back-Handed Compliment. They truly want to say they’re interested in you or like you, but they can’t just SAY it! And most of us are not in the cookie-cutter ideal of “beauty”. So they don’t want us to think we’re all that. So they say we’re “a little ugly”, “there are prettier girls” etc. When they are the judge, they put themselves on a higher level.

There are no/only a few gentlemen left. They want to be charming and have us like them. But they don’t know how. But I’ll tell you one thing! The guy that doesn’t necessarily say you’re beautiful ~ BUT!! After you spend time with him makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. THAT is what it is all for! When a woman is loved, she becomes beautiful. It radiates from within.

You can say to these guys: “Don’t fall in love with me.” “Where I come from this is actually considered beautiful.” “I have a boyfriend”. “Should you be calling someone ugly when you’re so, um, short/bald/a nebbish??” “Are you OK??” Laugh at him. Call your girlfriends/text them/take his photo while saying “Hashtag Nice Try!”

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

A woman’s shelter also came to my mind. Every community/county has one. Simply pack a small suitcase and two backpacks. Take all the paperwork (SS #s, ID, etc.) and some cash. There is no emergency. Get them as you come across them. “Take them to get haircuts” BAM! you’re at the shelter. You are abused. They don’t care if it’s emotional, physical, psychological. You are abused, and they will take you in and guide you through the legalities of the divorce. They’ve seen everything and helped women through everything. They will love having you because you have a job and thus are halfway there to getting your own place.

Get Out and Good Luck!

Inky