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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,936 through 1,950 (of 2,505 total)
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  • March 18, 2015 at 4:38 am in reply to: Am I the one with the problems? #74088
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ldr83,

    He basically used you as a possession. Hell, HE is the one with the jealousy issues ~ he keeps bringing it up, accused you of cheating, and sees you as a possession. God forbid he ever sees you as a person! Then he would lose control. Sister, it is ALL about control with him. By the way, if you were jealous, that’s not a bad thing. Jealousy and insecurity are the body’s emotional response that ~ Something is Wrong.

    If he ever catches you on the phone, say, “The therapist says and all our friends always warned me that you’re the jealous one.” Then hang up and block his number. Oh, hell, just block his number!!

    March 17, 2015 at 4:24 am in reply to: Going through a really rough time… could use a friend #74023
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bren,

    You don’t need to tell anyone if you don’t have to because frankly it’s none of their business! If they catch wind that you were arrested/in jail/in court be all, “Legal system. Don’t want to talk about it.” Or, “I needed a good lawyer on that one. So, about those Mets..” Everyone will say that’s the worst advice ever, but it is great advice if you want to put this behind you and live in the present moment.

    Here’s something. A few years ago *There Was An Incident*. I caught the guy. He got three felonies and was put on probation for two years. It’s a small town and I know he was filled with embarrassment, shame, depression, and, I hope, guilt. I would check his very open social media page over that time to keep tabs on him. The thing is, if he didn’t make these really stupid decisions (only made stupider by how his was caught) I would have really liked the guy IRL. In fact, I’m rooting for him to turn his life around, and I think he’s well on his way.

    I tell my kids, “You’re bad at being bad, so you might as well be good.” That’s true for most people.

    Even the people you may have done wrong will probably forgive you, and if it was a social crime, the State has already moved on, and the cops/judges/lawyers have already forgotten you. Believe me, everyone will forget, or frankly won’t care.

    March 16, 2015 at 5:11 am in reply to: I always think "WHY ME " #73972
    Inky
    Participant

    If it makes you feel any better, my college boyfriend was shorter than me, and I had a mad crush on someone years later who was shorter. Speaking for all women everywhere, as long as there’s something awesome going on (witty, fun, successful, doing something interesting) THAT is what will draw us in! And the older you get, the more attractive you are if a man.

    I had a different problem, by the way. I’m taller than most guys, so they REALLY had to have swagger to mentally even consider me! My DH is taller ONLY because the other guys had a confidence problem ~ “It’ll look funny if I’m shorter than my woman!” The 6’4″ Viking was the only one left!! LOL

    March 15, 2015 at 7:39 am in reply to: So hard to make big decisions while grieving. #73934
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sultana,

    Dogs (and cats in a more general sense) represent chapters in our lives. It is no coincidence that he died right while you were downsizing/moving. And I’m not surprised that your ex suddenly wants you back. Harry was the Break Up Dog. And now his raison d’etre is done. You weren’t born to be there for the dog. He was born to be there for you. I’m sorry if this all sounds perhaps harsh/insensitive?

    What I would do is continue with your plans and take your ex back on probation. No moving in, no sex, just dating. Also see a councilor for examining what led to the demise of your relationship in the first place!! If this advice feels “off” to you, then that “No” is your true answer.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
    March 14, 2015 at 4:53 am in reply to: Help, being told I need to have a boyfriend to be happy #73918
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Cynthia,

    This is a perfect example of what They say is a Reflection of Them, not You.

    You can counter them by saying, “Wow, if one of you dies first the other will be so sad and lonely, how would you handle that?” Turn it back on them a little.

    “Have you ever been alone?”

    “Do you feel you need the radio/TV on in the background all the time?”

    “What would you do if you were alone on a desert island?”

    “Would you ever do a solo campout, to have a direct experience with God?”

    “Why do you think everyone needs a mate?”

    Don’t ask these questions defensively. Ask with curiosity. You might have a Real conversation and make them self-reflect!

    Best,

    Inky

    March 13, 2015 at 5:53 am in reply to: Making things up #73903
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi thirdear,

    The obvious solution is to just drop them both. Cut your hanging out with them by half. And then when you do see them have it be for a few hours rather than the whole night. And if you’re physical with the girl turn it down by a lot.

    You will then be in higher demand, they’ll be wondering about you. They can’t say anything bad about you because they wouldn’t know ~ you’re not around! And you won’t be calling them, and not seeing them as much so they will appreciate you more.

    But the true answer is to drop them both and replace them with higher quality people to be friends with.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    March 12, 2015 at 7:33 am in reply to: Being yourself vs being in a relationship #73869
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kyniska,

    Oh my goodness, I see myself in half your list!! (and then there’s more on my own!! LOL)

    Here’s the thing. With people “like us”, assuming we are indeed “A Mess”, we can’t really hide certain aspects of ourselves. Like, a dumb person can’t fake being smart and an out of shape person can’t fake being a Navy Seal. We are also energetic beings, so people will pick up on our energy anyway.

    What we can do is to seek refuge in politeness and a low level of formality. Basically, make the other person feel comfortable, when in doubt say nothing at all, say thank you, make small talk. People will still sense that there is a youthful aspect about us (what we might label immaturity). If they’re OK with that, the relationship/friendship will progress naturally. But we will have done what we are supposed to or can, without resorting to that icky quasi-manipulative social hacking behavior.

    If someone doesn’t like me for ME, what’s the point, you know?

    In the meantime, we can get out of bed, wash the dishes and do the laundry! 😉

    Best,

    Inky

    March 11, 2015 at 4:14 am in reply to: Missing parents-daughter openness #73837
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Line,

    If you live at home, get your own place. If the occasional visits and phone calls still annoy you, limit the visit to an hour or two and the phone to fifteen minutes. If they still make you uncomfortable, it could just be your “allergic reaction” to them. Like, you know they will be this way, then when they are, you’re all, “I Knew It”! At some point you have to accept them as the way they are. They are this way out of years and perhaps decades of acting like this. It is all a bad habit.

    Best,

    Inky

    March 10, 2015 at 4:22 am in reply to: Emotionally Exhausted Part 2! #73791
    Inky
    Participant

    Take it easy, Matriarch! Blessings!!! Always enjoy your Role!! 🙂

    March 10, 2015 at 4:13 am in reply to: feeling like I'm waiting for death #73790
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi bphkhss,

    The on and off nature of the relationship kept you in this weird limbo (“He loves me, loves me not?”) mindset. Then when he broke up with you it was “official”. So you feel rejected. Rather than facing that feeling you feel empty, which is a safer feeling than rejected. Maybe your depression is safer to deal with than the anger, disappointment, and heartache.

    You also seem to need to be in a relationship to be happy. But what will happen if you find true love, and the guy dies when you’re an old lady? What I’m saying is that nothing is truly permanent, and at the end of the day you have to be comfortable just being you.

    So your situation is compounded. You have to get over the breakup, and be comfortable with you, and (optional!) find someone.

    And then to find someone? The best way is to tell the Universe, “I release this desire for a relationship. I’m not looking. If it happens, great (I get to have dynamic duo adventures)! If not, great (I get to have amazing solo adventures)!” And truly mean it. That’s when you meet someone. I’ve seen it time and time again.

    March 9, 2015 at 5:37 am in reply to: Emotionally Exhausted Part 2! #73732
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ElleTinker700,

    It sounds like you’re physically exhausted! If you have wonky sleep schedules, trust your body. It will give you the perfect amount of sleep you need at the perfect time. Don’t stress about when or how much you “should” sleep. Think of midwives LOL!

    I will say that it’s better to have a family member who’s seldom around but really wants to be there than a family member always around who’d rather be somewhere else! So don’t beat yourself up!!

    So day by day I’m a terrible aunt. I can barely handle my husband, own children and my cat. But at the holidays I have everyone over and have a great time!! And everyone else does, too! I’ve labeled myself The Holiday Aunt. Everyone has his/her “role”. Is it the role you want? Can you fill it gracefully? It sounds like you are Fully Present when you are there, and that’s all that really matters, IMO!!

    Your Family is Blessed to Have You!

    Inky

    March 8, 2015 at 6:18 am in reply to: how do I forgive and forget #73677
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Becky,

    When you lived together, you saw his Shadow Side. Everyone has one, by the way. He made the mistake of showing his. Constantly for two years!! I can see getting back together with someone after they had said something in anger or had one good fight. But this was emotional abuse.

    If you get back together with him, don’t move in with him. And would you really marry or have a child with him? Then you’re stuck.

    Him not knowing where you live? Very wise.

    The more you “deal” with the flashbacks, the more they stay with you. But if you push them back, they are still in you subconscious. Time, time, and more time will make it a little better by increments.

    Pick Someone who Treats you like a Queen,

    Inky

    March 7, 2015 at 12:59 pm in reply to: the guilt is taking over!! #73659
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi timidmoon,

    You have nothing to feel guilty over. Especially as time goes on. So let’s say you see your ex seven months from now or a year from now. Him expecting you to be all chaste after he broke up with you would be a little over the top. You owe him nothing. This is what a break up means. You can see other people, party, travel, watch whatever you want, eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want, change religions, political parties, neighborhoods, etc. without “hearing about it”… You see where I’m going with this? It is none of his business.

    You shouldn’t feel guilt over a one-night stand. Now, if you feel shamed or dirty, that is a different issue. IMO it’s OK to have a one night stand in our lifetime. Or a weekend fling. Or a summer love. (If single, that is. Hey, you are!! LOL). You are young and have done what millions of other young people have done when broken-hearted.

    BUT was this date-rape? “I wish I had said no louder”. Do you mean you whispered “No” and he didn’t hear you? Or he chose not to hear you? Or were you not saying anything at all?

    Don’t Feel Bad,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    March 6, 2015 at 5:21 am in reply to: empty nesting #73632
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi gogogogirl,

    I have three kids, one in college. We had a taste of the empty next sensation when all three were inexplicably out of the house for a week on end, each doing different things. I had assumed we would celebrate, parlay in rooms we haven’t before, drink wine, have grown up cocktail parties, etc.

    WRONG! We both fell into this dark depression type mode. No light. Just darkness. It was simply horrible, and they were coming back!!

    Intellectually I knew everything (said above) about “This is not my identity”. But viscerally, emotionally, I felt, “Where are my babies? What do I do now?” (Even though they weren’t babies and I had plenty to do)

    We just have to get through it! That it will all get one percent better a day. And before we know it, Weddings!! And Grandchildren!! And, if we’re lucky, new meanings in life, new passion, travel!

    Hear You,

    Inky

    March 5, 2015 at 6:31 am in reply to: How to deal with a difficult sister? #73576
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,

    She probably still views you as a kid sister. Literally. By getting married, getting a divorce, and having a baby all so young, you have essentially become her peer. She took your (ex)husband in because she doesn’t take you seriously, takes him seriously, and can maintain her current role.

    The way to get out of this situation is to Get Out. Nothing creates distance like distance. Once you get your own place (forget a house, get a small apartment for now) stay away from her. And your Mom, the family lynch-pin. Visit them at holidays and see how that goes. Don’t offer sister ammunition. Be polite and quiet. See what the vibes are. Let her wear herself out, talking. The kids, by virtue of their existence, unfortunately, might contribute to the competition.

    One year, or one decade, your sister may see you as a peer.

    Sorry you’re going through this,

    Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,936 through 1,950 (of 2,505 total)
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