This is so over the top that you have to cut and clear from the past completely. As you said, the issues each by themselves one could conceivably deal with but now they are all convoluted and compounded.

1. Gender Issues ~ It’s really hard for a girl to be involved with a guy who is (to her, suddenly) confused/gay/trans/alternative/etc. For a relationship we tend to like it black and white. How can you stand by your man if your man might not be a man, you know? I know I’ve offended dozens of people in dozens of ways I’ve never thought of, but that’s how the average woman will think.

2. Social Services?? OK, when social services are ever called, it is government sanctioned kidnapping. 9/10 times the call is made because of a vendetta, but the law still states that the family has to be investigated. It is no joke. Imagine a 19 year old government worker deciding if you deserve to raise your own children. Once again, the average person will go bat-s*** crazy with fear, upset and paranoia. When people’s family or children are being threatened and they don’t know who your true friends or enemies are, they will do outrageous things.

3. Wait, why were you actually called into the police? Was this before or after the social services debacle?

This woman clearly views you as a threat, an enemy, someone not to be trusted. She is suffering more than you are (believe it or not) from anger and fear I would please leave her alone once and for all.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Is it possible she felt she was psychically “carrying” you all these years? As in, you were an aspect in her life, but that being one of her aspects was your life? I hear this a lot from women. “My man has no friends.” “My husband works, comes home, eats, watches TV and goes to bed.” “I can’t leave my boyfriend, what would he do?”

Also, what *was* THE reason she gave for leaving the first time? That is also very important.

So, yes, take that trip alone! Make at least one friend. This has to be local, same age, you visit each other’s homes to count. Then, find something to do that interests you, that’s all your own! Then you will be equipped to be more fulfilled with your girlfriend ~ or know if you give her the boot this time!

I think if you left town you would still be triggered. That “I was run out of town” feeling. If you have a job and a place to stay, and would live there anyway if you never met your ex ~ then stay. Staying in your own home is a sign of strength, of self-respect.

You can also re-write the script. Tell the mutual friend that you don’t want to hear about the ex when he brings him up. If you become friends with other people who know him say, “Ex and I went through a break up, actually, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk about him. He reacted badly.” (Of course, if they relay that back to ex and it gets back to you, say, “I’m sorry he’s still reacting badly about it.” And then repeat the script that you don’t want to talk about him.)

If he ever runs into you or contacts you say, “Stay away from me” and remove eye contact or hang up the phone.

If you know where he lives you can write a letter to him saying that since you are running into and meeting several of his friends you want him to be clear that “Remember It’s Over. Please don’t go to gatherings if you hear I’m there. There’s no need to respond.” Then send it with no forwarding address. You have now Flipped the script and regained control.

This is not kosher, but it’s not a lie, either. Now go hold your head up high in your new town.

Also remember that if someone’s, say, blackmailed, 9/10 of people will show more compassion towards the sinner than the blackmailer. If you go back to your friends and ask for their support, they WILL give it to you! I still think of my old friend highly, only that she made a mistake. So do her parents! And as time goes on, instead of being “That Girl” you will be “that poor girl” and finally just “Melissa” with no taint of judgment surrounding you.

And NO, this was NOT The Universe sending you a message. It was the crazy wife. When women are obsessed we become more canny than the FBI, CIA and any other alphabet soup organization you can think of. This was no accident, my dear. She knew exactly when you got engaged, who the family was, when the wedding will be and maybe even when the parents were to meet.

Now… Are the wedding invitations out yet? If so, then implore the fiancé to go through with this. If they haven’t been sent out yet, then swallow the $$$. We know couples who did that and we don’t think any less of them, either.

Tell fiancé that this woman is dangerous and the husband is fixated on you, and clearly you won’t make THAT mistake again and you are frightened.

THEN, have a lawyer (or friend) cobble up a stern legalese written registered warning that you AND(!!!) your fiancé (united front) will press charges if she doesn’t stop with the antics AND(!!!) defamation of character.

One thing I’ve learned in my forty plus years on the planet is that:

1. Ain’t no one perfect. You are feeling shamed. But just remember that all of us have been not-so-great in our past. And those that have been? They haven’t been there yet or they haven’t lived a lot of life. Half the people who react to you in horror have done just as not-nice things ~ only they haven’t been caught and they would never admit it.

2. Does everyone (and I mean everyone) know? If they do, a strong offence is a good defense. I would write a mass email/message and say, “Mistakes have been made, but not to the degree that this hysterical woman has led everyone to believe. I have sent out a restraining order to (INSERT HER NAME – do it!!) and hopefully she has stopped her misguided vendetta. If any of you is contacted by her, I apologize, and please let me know immediately. Let’s pray for this woman who has mental health issues and send her white light and love.” Since you have always been perceived as good, sweet, loving, etc., they will support you. When they ask what exactly happened, tell them that you don’t want to give any more energy to it. You will get a lot of written FB support that everyone will see.

3. The sheer anger of the fiancé worries me. Is it possible he’s been tempted himself, resisted temptation and is now having a tantrum? I can see getting hurt, crying, withdrawing, a sullen, simmering anger, but breaking things, etc. I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t been there.

4. Only time, time, and more time might fix this.

Good Luck!!!!

This is my impression, so take it with a grain of salt. He had been married practically half his life. The fact that he was unfaithful tells me that he wanted a change of scene, that he was busting out of his old way of life.

Then he meets you. There is fun. There is that mystical soul mate/falling in love feeling. It was a break, a breath of fresh air, something new.

Then the dreaded “marriage/commitment/future” word/idea comes up. He associates that with the old grind/the damn dailies/not this again.

I think you should tell him, “You are the love of my life. But let’s keep it light. In that spirit, I am also dating other people.”

He might recoil, he might propose, who knows what he will do, but at least it will move you along out of limbo land.

Well, all I know is that no one is perfect. We all have flaws and make mistakes and foibles. If I held out for a perfectly perfect person, I would be very lonely right now. You have to accept people where they are. People are selfish at the end of the day and their values do change. For example, if a kid does something terrible you want the judge to punish him, but if it’s your own kid you wouldn’t want him in the courts at all, you’d rather punish him at home! So good luck finding a friend or lover who dovetails perfectly with your own value system. It’s not as easy as all that, and hopefully you won’t clash!

***Hugs***

I’m sorry you’re going through this. For what it’s worth, when he says stuff like “I could have had this teacher or that nurse ~ but I chose you,” dollars to donuts he’s going through his Midlife Crisis talk. Also, in a weird butt-headed way he’s trying to make you feel grateful and appreciate you have him!

You seem very sensitive (I am too) but what would happen if you made a little joke about it. Like, “Well, Babe, I don’t mean to brag, but there was this police officer and plumber in my past. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want you to freak out. But you seem more confident now a days, so I’m glad we can laugh about it.” ;)Then next time you two are out, if you see one, go right up to a police officer and make small talk! Then say, “Oh, that was Bob.” LOL

Or say when he says that, “Well, since I’m not doing anything I think I’ll go to the spa.” And go!! Pavlov’s dog says that he will stop with the putdowns when he sees the household money disappear every time he does that.

You can give him little Honey Do Lists. Then when he doesn’t do them say, “That’s OK Honey I know how you do everything around here, so I hired a handyman to help you out.” Watch him spring into action to get it done!

Another good one is paying in cash and have anonymous roses sent to you. You will thank him profusely and he will be all, “What The???” If he says he didn’t send them be all, “Yeah, right. Then who did??” and be all lovey dovey the rest of the day!

OK, that’s my advice, and I hope you at least get a good laugh out of all the ideas!! 🙂