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Hi There! I answered this in your comments, but glad you put it on a Forum!
To put a visual spin on this: The other week my son and I saw turkeys. It was mating season. The cob was all decked out in his finery. He looked half as big as the car, his feathers glistening with purple, blue and black highlights. He was shaking, rattling and cackling, long pinfeathers dragging melodically on the pavement.
“OK,” I said out loud, already bored. “Where is she? Where’s the hen?”
And then She appeared (this would be you LOL). Long-legged, slender, elegant, poking around for seeds.
The cob went crazy. More display.
Cars were honking and weaving around us.
Cob didn’t care.
And neither did she. I honestly, truly think she was 100% just looking for seeds. It wasn’t an act. She just didn’t care.
Look, if, in Mother Nature itself, which is a perfect reflective blueprint of The Universe, the females during Mating Season, THE Mating Season, don’t care, It’s OK!! You don’t have to be interested right now. There is no Cosmic Law, no Noah’s Ark. Just hang out. Eat seeds! It is perfect no matter what or who you choose or don’t choose!
I Promise!!! 🙂
My first thoughts were: Is DH a product of a first marriage and the other two from a second? This is bizarre ~ is there any reason for FIL to think he’s not his biological son? Was there an ancient fallout that one or both of them are suppressing/denying? Did FIL finally grow up late in life and *now* more naturally bonds with those under 40 and small children? Was there any weirdness concerning DH’s first wife and that family?
Ironically, because he’s a shrink, you would think you could openly talk about this. Could you go have one of his colleagues over and bring this family stuff up? What will happen is the men will put on their professional therapist hats, but you *might* get somewhere!
Sometimes certain family members rub each other the wrong way. Or maybe FIL is waiting for *you and DH* to praise *him*!
Why don’t you bring a framed pic over every holiday as a present so he eventually has a collection? It’s hard to feel distant towards photos you see everyday. If you find he’s ferreted them away, then I would bring it up directly (which some would say you should do anyway). Good Luck!!
Hi There!
Financially have her account, the common house account, and your account. So if she’s dead against you using $$ for whatever, use your personal account. This will solve a lot of arguments in advance.
You (and your mother) are the active parents now. I think this is a blessing.
Relationship ~ Tell her you are taking a break for a year. If you two want to meet, do it in a nice quiet public place. Her Rage-ing is because it has become a terrible habit. Meeting in a different environment and time might change that.
Forget about her apologizing/being humble to your family. This is between you and her.
She may never parent or support the kids while separated. I would just quietly raise them and then revisit the whole household scene with her next year.
I think the trick is to be open to the possibility of all things, *while also accepting things the way they are*. Is it *possible* for you to get back together? Yes. (The stats are against you.) But I do believe in the possibility of all things (AND have seen stranger things happen!!). There is such a thing as Grace, Magic and Miracles in this world. But I’ll tell you what, if she’s Closed and you’re acting like “That Guy”, every proclamation *will* actively repel her.
“Yes, I’m single now. Would I be open to a renewed relationship with her? Sure, maybe someday. Who knows?.” is the mental attitude you should have. Yes, it might be nice, but you’re not actively grasping for it.
Channel that energy into meditation and ~ this just came to me ~ running! An app like From Couch to 5K will give you something to do, a goal, and a focus. After finishing a real 5K (or something else if you’ve done one) will give you that Completion fix.
Forward! Onward! “There is no try!”
yoda428,
This question is very important: In your soul, in your truest heart of hearts, in the moments when you can’t lie even to yourself ~ is it over, or is she just saying that?
If it’s over, ignore her. Leave her alone. Every time you make proclamations you become more repellant in that you’re making it worse!
If even 1% of her wants you back, and even if she doesn’t, FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL SANITY: Ignore her this year. The kids are old enough to handle their own events, coordinating, etc. If the texts aren’t urgent, no need to reply. You run into her? Wave and quickly vanish.
No less than one year later, WHEN YOU HAVE STOPPED OBSESSING, text back. Never initiate texts. You run into her, “Hi how are you? Gotta go!” Polite. That’s it.
Two years later, FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL SANITY, phone communication, but only if she calls first. You run into her? “Hi (name)!” Warm hug. “How are you? That’s great! Gotta go!”
As the years (yes, years) go on she will also see that you are better, healthier, etc. And she might miss that old attention. She just might, if this was a romantic series. But only if you move on this decade in Real Life.
If you’re lucky, you will be the best of friends again when the kids are adults. Perhaps even (ghost of a chance) get back together.
But please, leave her alone enough for her to miss you. For your own mental sanity, you don’t have to say “The End” but you do have to at least be able to say “The End ~ for now! *wink!* … to be continued Summer of 2020!”
I notice these women are both online. To me it’s all fantasy. (Yes, that’s how you met, but I think he will prob. never meet them.) The gaming is an escape. Online is great! Beats mom dying, trying to pay rent, etc. It has little, if anything, to do with you. And after more than seven years, he sounds a little immature for his age (even if you had gotten together as young teenagers).
I would move out but live in the same town so he can see the child. It will be easier to break off the friends with benefits BS. It’s been too long. Or, take the summer off and you and your son visit your family! Maybe stay for good, he can move this time! You are in control of your own life. Sadly, not his.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 