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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 796 through 810 (of 2,508 total)
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  • November 15, 2017 at 4:42 am in reply to: Being Destroyed/ Made Expendable – Coping? #178135
    Inky
    Participant

    I just had a thought… “Youth” in his mind means “healthy”. So when you complained about your health issues, he didn’t want to hear it. Of course, if he had medical problems you would be expected to be supportive in that as he’s “older”. This is Ableism. He only loves you when you’re “healthy”.

    Also, you are “Stalking” him. He’s probably all, “Hey! That’s my role!” Young people don’t “stalk”. Now, he can chase, pursue, and go after, because he’s “The Man”. And “The Older Man” can’t be bothered with girls once he’s done with them.

    But you stood up. You reached out. You wanted explanation. (But you really do have to stop now.) You even wanted Closure. Which you attempted to get through your art. Of course he then stalked you, found your art, and was upset that you dared to publically declare your feelings Real! That you did matter!

    That you do matter.

    Inky

    P.S. I really want to see the art! Can we have a link for it? Only if you feel comfortable!

    November 14, 2017 at 5:14 am in reply to: Being Destroyed/ Made Expendable – Coping? #178019
    Inky
    Participant

    I forgot!

    9. Any man who breaks up with you on your birthday or a holiday was into you more that you know. They just do that to inflict the most hurt, and so you can’t properly enjoy a special day without inevitably thinking of THEM. Classic narcissistic move. And a strike against them if they ever dream of getting back together one day. By the way, when (when, not if) he contacts you again, it will be on Valentine’s Day or your birthday, etc.

    10. Breaking up via your mother was such a cowardly move!

    Edit: for #7, “Because they’ll see you” means they’re more likely to see the real you.

    November 14, 2017 at 4:52 am in reply to: Being Destroyed/ Made Expendable – Coping? #178015
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Stephanie,

    Several thoughts are coming to my mind at once, so I will list them in no particular order of importance:

    1. He knew of your chronic illness

    2. Then you gently rebuffed him because of the vast age difference

    3. He literally couldn’t take it and clung onto the first beautiful blonde he could find

    4. Spiritually evolved or not, I’m going to be very upfront with you about him. This will get more and more clearer as you get older. People past a certain age who only date younger people do so because no other person their age would have them. You were sweet, lonely and open, but because of your youth you simply didn’t know better.

    5. Beautiful blonde women don’t get engaged to guys after only a few months of meeting them. I assume he’s older than her as well? If so, he is being taken for a ride. You confirmed this by finding out her history. The best predictor of the future is the past.

    6. When people blare “ISN’T THIS GREAT??” news and pictures all over FaceBook, OF COURSE their friends and family are going to support them on a surface level. But I suspect they are more like his sister-in-law who still like you and think of you. Especially when she marries him, divorces him, breaks his heart, and empties his bank account.

    7. People stink at friendships and personal relationships. It used to be an art form, but now with social media and technology, people aren’t as close as they think, and that can lead to despair. I would find  old people or slightly younger people to bond with. Think of volunteering at a retirement community or joining a church group/committee. You want to be celebrated, not tolerated. Some of my greatest friends were people fifty years older than me at the time. Because they’ll see you. Because they don’t want anything from you. Because they get it.

    8. Believe it or not, when his romance inevitably burns out, he will track you down. Don’t let him back in!

    Best,

    Inky

    November 13, 2017 at 5:38 am in reply to: Being treated badly but I love him, do I leave? #177891
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    Usually long distance relationships don’t work. Add to the fact that he’s not good with the phone. Also that he’s “got your number” in that he knows your secret formula in what to do, say and be to always win you back.

    I think you made that right decision. Hopefully your last text was “I’m done.” Now be radio silence until at least the new year. He won’t forget you. I promise. However! He might move on. But he will never forget the lesson. Unfortunately, a new woman might reap the rewards of his learned lesson. So you have to be strong!

    By setting your standards higher, you will attract a higher quality person and will instantly be repelled by anyone not up to your new standards. For example, looking back to when I was younger I cannot believe I put up with so much bull crap for so long. Now I see people and I can read them from a mile away!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    November 13, 2017 at 5:23 am in reply to: Ex who I haven’t seen in two years “wants to talk” #177889
    Inky
    Participant

    Good for you, Bonni_mor in your decision not to do emotional labor!

    Stay Strong!

    Inky

    November 12, 2017 at 11:40 am in reply to: Ex who I haven’t seen in two years “wants to talk” #177791
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bonni_mor,

    I’ve learned over the years is that Silence is its own Response.

    He texted you. Now he’s waiting with baited breath for you to emotionally accommodate him.

    But he will justifiably receive No Response. Radio Silence.

    First he will wonder if you blocked him. Then he’ll wonder if you ever got the message. Then he’ll wonder if you changed your number.

    Now he will have a dilemma: He can try AGAIN and risk looking like a jerk or desperate (he is), or he can contact you at your law firm and look like a stalker.

    That is how you Not Talk to him without Looking Bitter. You instead look like a person in a power position.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    P.S. If you don’t want to do the above, “Quien es?” is the other option.

    November 11, 2017 at 8:28 am in reply to: Forward Progress in Love Relationships #177677
    Inky
    Participant

    OK, here’s more:

    1. Pics include: beach, somewhere in Tibet, cross country skiing

    2. “If I’m not travelling or working you can find me… at the beach!” (last part said in a cutesy tone)

    3. “I’m not into playing games and like nice guys”

    4. Colors (to match blonde hair and blue eyes): Black top and black hat default outfit. Pink shirt (no hat) if at the beach. Red hat and black outfit if skiing.

    That, my friend, will give you responses. Guys won’t think you’re copying the ad  if they’ve seen the ad. They would, however, have comforting feelings of deja vu.

    Inky

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.
    November 11, 2017 at 8:17 am in reply to: Forward Progress in Love Relationships #177675
    Inky
    Participant

    I would put down “Athletic and toned”, “open to new adventures” and a teasing “Come and find me!”… and that’s about it!!  (to match an actual dating service ad with “Kourtney’s” description! They did the marketing, and it must work as even *I* want to date “Kourtney”!!)

    Let me watch the ad again, and I’ll type back anything else “Kourtney” put!!

    This is fun!!

    November 11, 2017 at 6:22 am in reply to: Forward Progress in Love Relationships #177655
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mary Ellen,

    It’s funny that we women try to find love through gratitude journals, yoga, meditation and raising our vibration… Then we go on Match… and the guy looks at our photo and goes, “Nope! I’m fifty but this twenty year old looks good!” (He of course, also gets rejected, but that’s the male story). You could try Our Time, which is like Match for the over fifty age range.

    When my mom found love again in her fifties she found it with a guy that she used to know. Go through your old yearbooks and social media. Find the guys you knew back in the day that are widowed and divorced. That is the easiest way.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 10, 2017 at 4:41 am in reply to: Friend Contact #177445
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi LJDilemma,

    If you do respond I would write, “I’m sorry you felt awkwardness between us, I would never want you to feel that way!” And then say, “Yes, let’s meet!” Let her then do all the footwork trying to find a time/place to get together (which won’t happen because you’re busy). After you responding a day or two after each call or text, she will then realize that she should really drop the whole thing.

    For the original friend group that was stolen from you I would get together with only one woman at a time. Tell your story without putting anyone down. Next year befriend a different person in that group. Have those women over just the three of you. And, yes, even eventually the Awkward Mom.

    What will happen (I PROMISE!!) is that eventually the woman you had the Fight with will show her colors to the rest of the group. She will get a reputation for being a Queen Bee. But what will happen is everyone will get sick of it and she’ll have to move to find a new hive.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    November 9, 2017 at 10:15 am in reply to: Feeling lost/confused/heartbroken #177217
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Confused123,

    I think the problem is that you’ve been with him for nine years! Plenty of enough time for the beginning and end of TWO long-term relationships! That is where this panic/instinct is coming from. The engagement has gone on for too long. I say get married at once or tell him (not to give you another panic attack here!) that this relationship has run its course.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 8, 2017 at 4:38 am in reply to: Can't remember the last time I felt this overwhelmed… #176981
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Rebecca,

    The good news is that your mom owns the condo. I’m sure it’s not going anywhere if she actively wants you guys to have it. Also, why is your fiancé putting all this pressure on you to start packing if you haven’t even been approved for the loan yet?

    I know you’re worried about finances, but all I can say is: Moving company. They’re professionals. They’ve seen it all and done it all before.

    You have a wedding planner, which is great.

    Honestly, just worry about your studies right now. Let the bank, wedding planner and the moving company take care of the rest.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 7, 2017 at 7:33 am in reply to: Feeling Deep Regret & Heartbreak #176821
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi B,

    I know you love her, but this girl is a mess. No one’s perfect (far from it!) but I don’t like the way she’s been waffling with your heart. She SAYS she loves you but then adds all this jazz about “wanting to be a better person”, “my therapist says I have an addiction to relationships”, etc. Basically it’s flowery language for “I’m breaking up with you but I’m not breaking up with you.”

    Hint: She broke up with you.

    I mean I hope she gets it together one day. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you run into her in a bar, sad and alone, fifteen years from now. She just smacks of being That Person. Nothing’s good enough, but here I am, middle-aged, drinking at a bar.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

     

    November 7, 2017 at 7:13 am in reply to: Expecting too much? #176815
    Inky
    Participant

    Wait! He punched a hole in the plasterboard? And you had to patch it up? What?

    I think he’s pissed that he got found out about this quasi-emotional affair. (Let’s just call it that)

    How about you call the secretary? Apologize for your DH calling her, send her a holiday gift for their baby from “both” of you and bonus if you get her husband’s phone number and talk to him. Ask her husband over for dinner. It is not unusual for bosses and their wives to entertain secretaries and their spouses. Her hapless husband will say, “Guess what! Mrs. Your Boss invited us over for a holiday get together! Isn’t that great?!” The secretary will quail and murmur something about lack of child care. She will be SO embarrassed and uncomfortable!

    Then you inform your bright but not that bright DH: “I apologized to your secretary for you calling her all the time, I sent them a holiday gift for their baby from both of us, and I talked to Mr. Secretary and invited them over for dinner/holiday party! And if you don’t like it, plaster your own dam drywall!”

    No matter if the dinner happens or not, smile benignly on your perch from The Wife’s Power Position!

    Lather, Rinse, and Repeat as needed.

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.
    November 6, 2017 at 7:56 am in reply to: Expecting too much? #176667
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi dawn101,

    If I was the secretary on maternity leave I would not appreciate calls at 6:45 in the morning with a baby.

    And I love how he’s not mad about you thinking he’s possibly unfaithful. He’s mad because he thinks you think he couldn’t get away with it!

    I’d call his bluff and say, “Yes, I admit, I do think you’re a bit of a moron when it comes to TRYING to get away with stuff. Like the secretary would have you!” Smirk, shake your head, while giving  him an eye roll, and walk away. Of course, this strategy may make things worse.

    Now he’s in a double bind: if nothing’s going on, your marriage is safe. If something’s going on, he now has to PROVE something’s going on because you don’t believe he could ever snag the secretary. Basically he has to hold the affair under your nose for you to stop laughing at him if he ever dares bring it up. Which is what you’d want because then you’d know and can make an informed decision from there.

    Probably nothing happened because newborns and affairs don’t mix. My advice? Treat him having an affair as a joke. Bait the bear!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.
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Viewing 15 posts - 796 through 810 (of 2,508 total)
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