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InkyParticipantHi jimmy,
You do not have to choose anyone. If you are unsure you can truthfully tell them: “I don’t want to date exclusively now”. I figure the more time you spend with both girls, the more you will have clarity on what it is (or who!) you truly want.
Or, date neither and find someone (not a colleague) who has the qualities you’re looking for.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Kayla,
Well, there is just as likely a chance that you could have tidy, introverted roommates as well! I was in a situation where I was the messy, extroverted one in comparison!
What I did Freshman year was hang tapestries strategically in the room so I had a “room within a room” so I could be alone while my roommate was entertaining.
Another thing that can happen is if you are with an extrovert, it is actually more likely that she will ditch you to hang out with the queen bee or king pin of the group she’s in ~ in their room!
Or, you will become good friends with her friends and then it won’t seem like an intrusion.
And if you tell her, “Could you pick up once a week and have only one or two friends over at a time?” she will be cool with that as long as you don’t ask for much else. Otherwise she’ll be the jerk, you know?
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi greenshade,
Whenever I hear the phrase “personal statement” all I can think of is “it’s a formality”. It doesn’t matter what you write as long as it’s positive. You can add something deep and profound in there as well. I am being a bit cynical, but the person reading it won’t be putting as much thought into it as you are.
If you are truly worried about it, show it to another pair of eyes that can edit it.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Julia,
There is drama in every board. Believe me.
I agree with anita that your DH’s employer being on is a huge conflict of interest. If you want a likely excuse to get out, there it is!
The other problem is you’re relatively young, and probably have a life. These older members, this probably IS their life, thus the frequent meetings. And I’ve noticed (for me) that people don’t take you seriously until you’re 40.
I suggest staying with it for a good year and then move on to different pastures.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi jessimee,
We all have sub-worlds, private lives and hobbies to let off steam, so we can (for once!) be our Authentic Selves. When you (understandably, IMO) went on a chat room you were on because you could be yourself. You weren’t the beleaguered mom, you weren’t the poor woman fighting for her man, you weren’t fighting. You were just being you, feeling good, for the first time in perhaps a long time.
It is up to you whether to stay with your BF or not. And the chat room has nothing to do with it.
Good Luck, not matter what you decide!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Mini Ahuja,
“If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen”: If you’re an artist (for example) make art for the sake of making art, not for fame or money. Don’t beat your head against a wall. Love someone but don’t get attached to reciprocal feelings. The action is its own reward.
“Putting yourself first isn’t being selfish”: That is true to a degree. I wouldn’t go to Vegas only to let my child go hungry, for example. But I do go on occasional excursions and have hobbies. When someone wants a piece of me I don’t want to give I say I have a meeting (really with myself) or am busy. Or I tell the truth and say “I’m at capacity”. Only a jerk would question your private whereabouts and activities or care.
“There is no right or wrong, listen to your heart and do what you want”: Well, I do believe in social order. There is right and wrong. I wouldn’t dump my husband to go out with my crush of the week. I wouldn’t abandon my children to live in a monastery. Everything else though is fair game! 😉
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Henry Alec McCloud,
Wow, Christine’s reply was great!!
Sylvia Browne once said that the love you give out is never wasted. Even if you are unseen, unappreciated, and the love unwanted, the love itself is an energy in the universe. And will, even eventually, come back to you.
This is also reminiscent of the Pearls before Swine parable. Are the pearls less valuable because the swine doesn’t know what they are, or even care? No! A canny person will jump into the pen and search about the muck until s/he finds them!
A technique you can do is to override the thoughts. Turn them into a mantra or song, by singing “ESPECIALLY Henry!” or something awesome. Do this 100 times. Train your brain that if it’s going to put you down, it’s going to have to pay for it by 100 reinforcements that negate and CANCEL the negative thought.
Think “CANCEL” and push your forehead, mentally ejecting the tape from your brain.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Nicole,
My advice is to let the text lie. And find a new trainer.
Seriously.
If you never texted him you would never know he was getting back together with the ex? And he gets to see you and be your trainer?
It sounds like he views you as a commodity.
When he texts you and asks if everything’s fine text back that you’re getting back with your old trainer.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Jack,
He gets to yell and call names but you don’t get to not be around that? You can theoretically turn that around and say that he is trying to control you by keeping you in an environment you don’t want to be in.
Relationships work both ways. You’re not asking for much. You’re simply asking (telling) him that you won’t be around him when he loses his temper.
Tell him that it’s not working. That you are taking a break. Or tell him, yes, you are “controlling” him ~ that he needs to go to Anger Management ~ or the wedding’s off!
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Rogue,
The way not to be possessive about him is to change your mind about him. It sounds like he has consistently blown you off. Once you stop texting, calling, hoping, talking, and wishing he might become better. Let him take the lead from now on.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Whirlwind127,
Here is my advice:
Tell her that you are dating other people. And then don’t sleep with her any longer.
If she wants to be intimate, tell her: “I want to be exclusive if the feeling is mutual.” If she tells you that she doesn’t want to hurt you or wants to keep it casual, again, don’t sleep with her. Say, “You mean too much to me for there to be physical intimacy and nothing more.”
It will drive her crazy that theoretically she doesn’t want to hurt you, but here you are dating other people and still not sleeping with her.
It will also be very, very sexy!
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Nobody,
Your fear and your anger are actually coping skills. These two emotions are helping you to survive. Imagine being in an environment all your life where you have to either hide (fear) or attack (anger). What we see is a reflection of our own mental state. First you need to cobble together a Safe Space. Then you need a Friend. Books are great friends. They can’t talk back. Some of my greatest mentors are authors of books who don’t know me at all. Then of course, you need to talk to someone, a real person, who “gets” you, who can lead you forth and show you that the world (some of it, anyway) is not such a bad place.
Blessings on you,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi H,
This may seem counter-intuitive advice, but..
What if you had your parents have a hand in setting you up with someone? You instinctively follow their lead at this point, so instead of fighting it, have THEM introduce you to someone! I bet there are plenty of educated Persian women out there.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Niyata,
If you do have BPD you would go to a doctor who would give you meds. But, like most of us, you have a bit of this and a bit of that. From what I’m reading you do have a condition. It’s called being human.
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi greenshade,
I’m the same way. I liken human interaction to a vitamin. A little bit is essential and I feel happier and whole. A lot though I feel “not myself”. I don’t view it as a problem, it’s just our make-up. I cope by having time limits to rooms/conversations/people, giving myself a “job” (“I’m going to the kitchen, can I get anyone anything?”), going out to the car, going to the restroom. Even “checking my phone” for a modicum of solitude.
Good Luck!
Inky
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