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Hi K,
The title of the post says it all: “What to do when your gut tells you the break up isn’t right?”
That is implying that YOU have control over whether the relationship continues. Two people have to say “Yes” for a relationship to exist. Two virtual strangers can meet and a second later be in a relationship. However, even if two people had been together for ten years and one partner says “No” the other person could spend the next decade lamenting, debating the break up, contacting the other, etc., etc. and it will still not be a relationship.
The hard truth is that your BF, after eight years, has said “No”.
To answer your question, YES, they do (sometimes) come back. But would you really want him then? It would be sometime in the 2020’s, when you are strong, vibrant and happy. He will be miserable and going over his “little black book” (or whatever the technology contact info will be then). He won’t be as handsome, and could be described as “sad”. He’ll call you and he’ll hear your husband and children laughing happily in the background. Surprised that you moved on quite well without him, he’ll mutter that he just called to see how you “are”.
The breakup will turn out to be a blessing, you’ll see.
And always remember: “He asked for it!”
Inky
Hi Williams,
It seems to me that once you left YOUR country, your husband felt free to show you his shadow side.
There is legitimacy in staying together for the children. But here’s the catch (for him): He needs to treat you with respect. I don’t care if you are like friendly roommates. And the feeling of drifting apart is normal in that it’s just that ~ a FEELING. The next time he puts your down or mentions the “Divorce” word in front of the children, YOU are taking them back to your home.
Start squirreling away money for this to happen. Even more valuable than courses is a job and your own bank account. Get your papers and the kids’ papers in order. If you have to, take the kids and stay in a women’s shelter.
Tell him you married him out of the goodness of your heart. He presumably had to work to get you to agree to marry him (courtship, flowers, etc.). Now he has to work to get out of the marriage. That means going to counseling for at least as long as the original courtship.
As for the young teacher, this is only a much needed fantasy. He is a teacher AND he’s too young for you and to take on a second family IMHO.
Blessings,
Inky
Hi shouldibearebel,
It’s tough because there is a group of them.
What I would do is:
1. Get a group of your own. When you are in or at a gathering, make sure you are surrounded by YOUR people. Let them see you laughing in the middle of a group. Take some other moms out for coffee, one at a time. Invite your neighbors to go with you to these events. Soon you will know quite a few people in town. The mean girl attitude should die down a little if they see you are a town favorite. Once a month you should hang out with a new person. Throw a small party.
2. Since this happens in a group, another key is to isolate. If you see one of these women at the store ~ alone ~ confront her. This works even better if YOU have an audience. Be all, “There is no reason for you to be disrespectful to me.” She will be all humble, denying and apologetic.
3. Embarrass one of them when they say something. Especially if they are lower down on that social hierarchy. Again, best done in an audience of YOUR people. If they say a snarky comment say, “Are you OK?” They will stammer and get embarrassed.
4. This one is the hardest but can be the most effective. Start with the nicest (there has to be one) person in the group. Invite them over, meet up for coffee. Go on up in the group. Only hang out with these women individually. Yes, they will still bad mouth you. But when they do gossip it won’t be as bad and they will feel guilty about it.
Good Luck!
Inky
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