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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,471 through 1,485 (of 2,508 total)
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  • February 12, 2016 at 8:54 am in reply to: Lost…. #95890
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi stone,

    Don’t beat yourself up for the online emotional affair. It’s sounds like it is/was the only bright light in your life that kept you going! It’s not like you are a mere bored housewife. Not that I condone it. But I’ve been there!

    It is probably depression. With the young kids, usually the complaint is they drive you crazy. But it’s not. Not feeling it for your partner COULD be your body saying “We’re done here”. “We’re done” meaning no more kids! But you also seem to be filled with so much “I’ve got to do something” vs. ennui vs. hopelessness. Dollars to donuts it’s Depression!

    See a doctor if you haven’t been this year,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    February 11, 2016 at 4:36 am in reply to: Is this what a normal relationship feels like? #95779
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    Is he on medication or getting treatment for the bi-polar? That is the most important thing.

    If you are long distance, that is good news because IMHO now is the time to move on.

    You really should not deal with someone who doesn’t have their mental/physical health under control as you are not his spouse or doctor. It’s not fair to him and not fair to you. You can barely handle him long distance, how would you handle him every day?

    I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    February 11, 2016 at 4:31 am in reply to: Sex is the only thing he wants #95778
    Inky
    Participant

    Whenever I give advice like this everyone else hates it LOL!

    You can chat and talk with him… but seldom… and brief. If he goes back to “bad” behavior, cut him off. If he treats you like a queen (or a human being in this case), reward him with more contact and longer contact.

    Basically through all his years on this planet he’s somehow learned that you can and should treat women this way. Now he’s got to learn a new lesson. We are taught how to treat people, and how to behave. Heck, we’re even taught how and what to think! Even if you’re the only one who makes him treat you with dignity and respect (by you not sleeping with him in this case) you will have planted a seed in his mind. That this woman is different. That this relationship/respect thing could be the way to be.

    Maybe one day when he’s grown up emotionally you will see each other again.

    February 10, 2016 at 5:06 am in reply to: Tough Dillema #95661
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Karlo,

    I was going to say get another dog to keep her company.

    But if you do give her to the other family, make sure you visit her occasionally as dogs DO remember!! I babysat a friend’s dog for a week and whenever we would visit the friend afterwards the dog would go crazy with happiness ~ jumping, spinning in circles, playing ~ and she was a biter with other people!! In other words, she missed me!! You are still part of her pack, and although she will love the new family, she will assume you abandoned her or are dead.

    Or maybe have the new family visit your house first. Then they take her on walks. Then she visits them. Then she stays overnight. I don’t know, that’s what I would do…

    Best,

    Inky

    February 9, 2016 at 7:02 am in reply to: Sex is the only thing he wants #95421
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi hurts,

    In the future, don’t give sex away before love. Be in a committed relationship first. Tell the next guy that the last guy ruined it for him, that you’ve done it the regular way and now you have to level up your relationships.

    Think of it AS “Leveling Up”. You are now on, say, Level 10 and this sex-only BF is still at Level 5.

    He’s now not worthy of you. Reframe the whole thing in your mind. YOU broke up with HIM. Sure, he can give a song and dance about getting other girls, but talking that way is the nail in the coffin for him.

    Hope this Helps,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    February 8, 2016 at 3:48 am in reply to: Walk The Path or Change Direction? #95246
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi PathOfPeace,

    I think it is probable that once you have a child, your wife will be among the best of mothers! Something does change within us once we become parents.

    As for the fighting, Respect is the key word. Then the fight dissipates into a disagreement. But you know what, as long as you have the same values, the rest is small stuff. Just remember “A happy wife is a happy life”. There is truth to the saying!!

    If all of us were perfectly perfect before we had kids there would be no human race!

    Best,

    Inky

    February 7, 2016 at 4:33 am in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95173
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi dreaming715,

    So many things:

    1. When I hear “doctor”, “medical school” or “residency” those things are NOT compatible with a relationship. They genuinely are too busy and their minds are elsewhere.

    2. The guy doesn’t text/call/see you, goes out of the country and expects you to be waiting around? Are you a lady in waiting? NO! Of course some other dude is going to find you! What did the man expect?? NO need to apologize. NONE!

    3. He’s leaving his stuff at your house and you can’t even get rid of it! This tells me:
    A) That he’s marking his territory
    B) That it’s not over until he says it’s over and
    C) That the stuff represents HIM! You can’t even contact him to make a firm date!!

    4. Tell him that if he doesn’t make a firm date to pick up your stuff that you will leave it on the curb at 8 AM (rush hour) on a certain date for him to get it. And in your text take back your apology. Say that you were RIGHT about dating other guys.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    February 6, 2016 at 5:00 am in reply to: Diet to boost the immune system?? #95147
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi humour,

    I’m of the belief that your health improves by what you don’t put in your body rather than what you do. I would eliminate sugars, grains, meat and dairy. Eat a vast quantity of fruits and vegetables. (Have an egg once in a while if you feel crazy). But see if that doesn’t do the trick! Pick up a Raw Vegan cookbook and play around with it. When I do that all my ailments go away or quiet down.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    February 5, 2016 at 6:10 am in reply to: Balancing work and life/personal goals. Tips? #95095
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sbtravels,

    I like the Flylady.net website. With her system the house practically runs itself!

    With relationships, make a standing date. One year we got season theatre tickets way in advance and that forced us to go out to dinner before, get out of our house and have a good time! With friends and family, just writing a text or FB post or giving them a call should hold them over until ~ a seasonal pot luck party you hold at certain times of the year!

    And for your personal goals ~ instead of (in my case) “I’ll work on my blog every day” (you don’t KNOW what each day will hold!) have a concrete end goal. “I will write one QUALITY blog post every month.” Meaning, make it more epic and more spread out.

    OK, those are my tips!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    February 4, 2016 at 6:57 am in reply to: How do I make my decision? #94937
    Inky
    Participant

    Well, for me personally, drugs are a deal breaker. Now, I’m not perfect, so I’m not being all judge-y! I have minor children, and I have already seen first hand death, addiction, prison records and ruined lives among their peers. And to be (I’m assuming) in your twenties and people continue with that nonsense? It’s just not worth it!

    And the lying? It doesn’t matter what the person is lying about, where is the bond if that trust is broken?

    Deep down when people know you are right, their defenses come out and try to turn it around to look like you’re the one with a problem.

    I think he MAY change, eventually, but you are not the one to make him do the right thing or wait around until he grows up. You CAN leave. Then maybe revisit the situation with a fresh perspective in the future.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    February 4, 2016 at 4:38 am in reply to: How do I make my decision? #94932
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Amelia_R,

    Sometimes people need “little hurts” for them to permanently change their behavior. He may think drugs and lying (all once in a while, of course *sarcasm*) are no big deal. But you bet your butt he will remember the time when his amazing girlfriend broke up with him over it! Then, every time he lights up, every time he sees his “friends”, every time he buys (or sells!) he cannot help but to think of the one big thing he lost over all these “little” things ~ you!!

    You are actually giving him the greatest gift of love. Sometimes love means sacrifice. Tell him that you can’t deal with the drugs and the lying anymore. That you are taking a break. To call you in 2017. You may be available, he may not. He may be available, you may not. He may be still using. He might not. But if there is a slim chance for him to be clean and with you in the future, THAT will give him something to fight for!

    Then, yes, go out with this other guy.

    Let’s say that your BF does move on and sees someone else. Guess what? She, too, will think it is getting old. The older we get, the less tolerance ANYONE has for this crap. Even his “friends” will grow out of it. Eventually, yes, he will become a regular person. I hope.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    February 3, 2016 at 4:52 am in reply to: Beating body dysmorphic disorder #94798
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi BellyButton,

    The truth is no one thinks about other people hardly at all. They are 99% of the time thinking about how they look themselves, what they have to do, where they have to go and who they have to see. Only if something is truly “off” (i.e. you have lettuce in your teeth) will they think of you. Or if you dress up beyond what everyone else is wearing.

    But they won’t remember you for how you look. They’ll only remember you for how you make them feel! There are models no one cares about but they will care about the plain Jane who cares about them!

    I’ve thrown out my scale. I’m not saying you should throw out your mirror, but have your hair and makeup be a routine, not an obsession. Same thing with food and clothes.

    Looking good is so other people feel comfortable. But we are not here to decorate anyone’s world. We are here to do important things. And that is what you will be remembered for.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    February 2, 2016 at 4:55 am in reply to: How do I get who I am on the inside out?? #94684
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi dom,

    Maybe it’s a simple solution: “Show me don’t tell me”. Because when we try to put these feelings into words, let’s face it, it CAN sound cheesy!! Maybe a head noogie or a punch on the shoulder, or an “I love you guys!!” while you put ice cubes down their back would be more this crowd’s speed. You know?

    Like when my friend’s mother died, instead of saying “I’m here for you, whenever you need me, call anytime, I love you” I said, “We got you,” while giving her a bear hug.

    Best,

    Inky

    February 1, 2016 at 12:28 pm in reply to: taking a risk and having ptsd #94599
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi E,

    I went through (what was to me) a traumatic, soul wounding experience. And one of my dearest friends in the world said (two months after it happened) “You’re not over that yet?!”

    It was shame lumped onto the shame I already felt. That’s what we’re dealing with here: that feeling of Shame.

    “We have to be strong. Telling our stories makes us look weak. This shouldn’t have happened to us in the first place. And if it did, we must ‘get over it’ by never speaking about it. If we pretend it never happened, we can reclaim being ‘Strong’.”

    You know what, I would love to be that type of person who I call The Beloved Mess. The girl with the wild hair who gets a hangnail or has a trauma that everyone coos over and says “It’s OK, I totally understand!!” And meanwhile someone else could be dying of cancer and “Oh she’s not over it yet?”

    I would be honest with people but only if asked or **if they are Worthy**. I wouldn’t go on and on about it, but I would frame it in a simple, direct way. And realize that you are so much more that “That”.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    January 31, 2016 at 10:06 am in reply to: Breakup after miscarriage #94395
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lauren,

    I’ve been through two miscarriages, and in a way it was harder for my husband because ~ he didn’t know how to react, or even how he should be feeling! He would make clumsy efforts to comfort me which of course, I “snapped away”. Then I too didn’t think he was grieving enough or at all. But in a weird, inexplicable way he was.

    For us, the baby in us is real, physical. For them it is an idea, a concept. Then when we lose the physical baby there is blood, torment and a huge hormone dump. For them they don’t see (necessarily) the blood or feel the feelings. They just see a distraught woman. They try in their dopey ways to “be there” but then we lose it.

    I would say maybe, perhaps, give him another chance. His reaction is, sadly, typical. Of course, this miscarriage may also highlight relationship difficulties which were already there. It’s up to you.

    Best,

    Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,471 through 1,485 (of 2,508 total)
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