Hi Coco,

You need someone, a mature and loving man to be there for you while you are going through Cancer. The last thing you need is this type of stress this man is giving you. He is not emotionally available to meet your needs and you will only end up miserable and resentful time and time again. I know, while I may not have cancer, I too am battling several health issues. However, I would much rather be single and alone, rather than having doubts and stress, about some man who is not there for you, cheating, etc, or whatever the case maybe..you are investing all the emotional time in this relationship and he is offering you no support when you need it most.

Most of the support I get are from my 12 step programs. Your name looks familiar. I use an alias name on here, not my real name. I think I may have met you, in a phone group support program. If I am mistaken, please forgive me. However, I think you do need to re-evaluate this relationship. Your needs are not being met, this man is causing you more stress which you don’t need now. You deserve better.

Hi Katie,

It looks like you are in good hands, but I wanted to reply, as I feel I can relate and share my experience, and why you should re-evaluate your relationship. As long as you have a relationship with this man, unfortunately, you will have to deal with his Mother indefinitely. He sounds he is very influenced by her and what she thinks and says. I don’t think he should have texted you in the first place saying “My mother talked badly of you”. This is very negative and opening a can of worms. I would have texted or called him back and said “is there a reason, you feel the need to tell me this?”. If he starts in on what she says, he is spreading gossip, it is malicious, a form of making you feel bad about yourself and you get caught up in drama and misery/stress. Your relationship takes a back seat, because now the relationship becomes “about her” and this will continue as long as he too, is in a relationship with her, you will have to deal with her, gossiping, drama..is this what you want? I wouldn’t want this.

I had the same thing happen. I was so excited. I took a trip with an ex from Seattle to Alaska for Christmas to meet his parents. His stepfather was nice enough, but his Mom stayed at home. I brought her a Christmas gift which she grabbed and opened right away. Her response? “Just what I need, something fattening”. The whole trip was emotionally draining and exhausting. No matter how nice I was, she went out of her way to make a snide comment to me. I begged my boyfriend, if we could go to a hotel, he just defended his Mother. I knew, that as long as I had a relationship with him, I would have to always “deal” with her. I don’t like it when someone does not like me, it is too stressful, especially my boyfriend’s mother. I even heard them gossiping about me after I got back from a walk. Then she admonished me saying I was not wearing proper clothing for Alaska weather, when I had a heavy coat, gloves, hat, scarf on..nothing was ever good enough. I knew if I were to marry him, her dysfunction, were to carry over to him, and I wanted no part of it. We broke up shortly therafter, after arriving in Seattle. Worst Christmas of my life. Please think long and hard about your relationship, as it will be with his dysfunctional mother too.

Hi mouse,

If this man is too busy listening to heresay and gossip and letting it get to him, then it sounds like he is a bit weak in character to me. If he hears something he does not like he should come to you directly rather than giving you the “silent” treatment and just leaving you hanging. I am not sure how old you are, but all of this, between him and the friend sounds like junior high school stuff, and that should have been left in Junior High school. People should not listen to gossip, rumors, etc. If he would rather listen and believe them over you, then come to you first, he sounds a bit immature. I feel you deserve a man who acts like an Adult, you deserve better.

Hi Kriti,

I see you are in good hands, but hope you don’t mind if I add my 2 cents worth. You didn’t have a secure childhood, you had a very sheltered childhood. I did too. I came from a very abusive and traumatic childhood environment. I was taken away from my Alcoholic Mother by the courts. As were my siblings. Unfortunately, the damage had been done, as I was six years old when this happened, and suffered a great deal of abandonment, witnessing violence, rejection, no nurturing, isolation, unwanted.

My Aunt and Uncle (my real fathers, sister and brother in law) came to love me, and became my legal guardians. My real father travelled alot for business. He was a Harvard Advanced business school graduated and CEO of a fortune 500 paper company. He was very well-off, as were my Aunt and Uncle. I grew up having a “fairy tale” childhood. We were transferred around alot due to my Uncle who also was a very successful business man. We sailed in regattas, lived in beautiful homes, my Aunt was in and won several LPGA’s golf tournaments, so we belonged to exclusive country clubs. Because of my troubled childhood, they protected me from everything. Made all my decisions for me, even went over my school work, let me sail in regattas with them. I grew up in stunning countries like Puerto Rico, Jamaica, etc. By the time I was nine, had already lived in 7 different countries and four different states. I got everything I wanted. Only went to the best of private schools, had butlers, groundsmen and maids. All My chores I had to do was set a lavish table every night, and make my bed, keep my room clean. I lived in a home with 8 bedrooms. I had it all. Unfortunately, this made me too sheltered and “taken care of” and it did more harm than good. Every time I dated, I “expected” the man to treat me how I was treated in my childhood. Safe, secure, taken care of, no decisions to make, protected, no anxiety, nothing. Just like my fairy tale childhood. However, there is none of this as an Adult. I had to learn to be an Adult and take care of myself. It was tremendous anxiety, and my relationships were short lived. No one could live up to my expectations.

I had to go through many years of Psychotherapy to even begin to even think about dating, or I could never have dated. A “secure” childhood is not what we had. A secure childhood means we are allowed to think and feel for ourselves. Not having everything done for us, by overprotective parents. Just some thoughts.

Hi Rica,

I was in a similar situation. However, unlike you, I never met this man. I had an online romance with a handsome man I met from the middle east. It was attraction and bonding from day 1. I met him on a social media site. We video chatted every day. He was the first person I saw and messenger first thing in morning and last in the evening. I fell head over heels with him. It does happen, you can meet someone online, never touch them, and fall in love and emotional bonding. However, everything that came out of his mouth was all lies, but I was so caught up in him, I was in my own world of fairy tale love. He said he wanted to move to United States and have a future with me, that he loved me and so on..I pictured a future with a man twenty years younger than me, from Iraq, lost his job as a chef. Maybe he wasn’t even a chef, who knows. I tried to find a job for him here, a scholarship, anything. He even tried to apply for immigration to Canada. It got turned down. Then he knew I knew owners of several restaurants, and my Dad knew owners as he used to be in the restaurant business. He started pressuring me to “ask these owners” for $10,000 to loan him so he could get here, and he would pay it back. That’s when I “woke up” knowing he was Catphishing me. I asked him to leave me, and he did without a fight. We were very romantic for almost two months. This was last September in 2016. I cried over him for months. Could not get him out of my head. All I saw was the “future” he lied about and created for us. His birthday was October, about a year since the “break up”. I thought about texting him, but after the break up, I deleted my profile on Facebook. Couldn’t hate to look at his romantic quotes to other women. This is why I think no contact. Because it will prolong the misery and thinking about him. New year’s eve went by, kept thinking I would hear from him..nothing. My birthday in January 2017..nothing. He did not love me. I felt broken and ashamed.

This is why “online” relationships often do not work. You never know who you are meeting. They may be married, arranged marriage, scammers, catphishers, con-artists, so, I stay away from online social media sites. Best to meet someone local. I’m still not “seeing anyone” but mostly because my health has been bad. I think I am finally over him now. Last night he “popped” into my head, but mostly just good memories, but nothing felt for him, like wanting him back. So, it will and does get better. Just have no contact. Easier to get over someone. Not even a text.

Hi Peony,

I wouldn’t cut all ties off with him, if you still love him. If he is showing a sincere desire of wanting to change and showing proof, for example in his behavior, attending and continuing to attend AA meetings, therapy, etc, then there is still hope. But keep in mind it will be a long road, there is always a chance of relapse. Then you will have to start over again and the cycle continues. I hope this won’t be the case, and do hope things will improve and he shows a desire and wanting to change, and changing, not only for you, but his own well-being. x