Hi Miss Healing,

This does not sound promising. He is not trying to understand mental illness, rather pushing you rudely away and treating you horribly in your worst moment. I too suffer from severe mental illness. Fortunately, I see a wonderful Psychiatrist, therapist and case manager and have a great supportive network and medication. I too, have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation several times. My last being in 1995.

At that time I did have a boyfriend. Social media, facebook, etc was not around back then, but he was not there for me at all. I called him and asked him if he could go to my apartment, check on my cats (even though I had a professional pet sitter taking care of them, but knowing they would find comfort with his presence) and if he could please bring me some books. He told me “get out of your pity party and snap out of it” and he changed his phone number.

I never spoke to him again. What if you have a future with this man? There is no cure for clinical depression, our meds can give out on us any time or we can have our dose increased or put on a different med, and experience debillitating side effects and be right back in the hospital again. This happened to me after being put on an SSRI class of medications. Will he be there for you or leave you again and block you? You need a man who will be there for you through the good and bad, and this man is not the one. What he did to you, there is no excuse. It was ignorant, selfish and I’m sure this is not what you want for your life. You deserve better.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.

Hi Ella,

Thank you for providing me with some more insight. My thoughts are that sometimes people (especially women) tend to “lose” themselves in their boyfriends. They sort of forget the individual person that made them special and unique before they met their boyfriend and you are a special and a unique and lovely person. I see it in your writing, your boyfriend sees it, but only you have to see it, and it begins with becoming independent from your boyfriend, and learning to love yourself.

Remember that he does not “complete ” you. You were already a complete person before you met him. There is no one on this earth like you. What happens, is as women, we tend to put our boyfriends and relationship on a pedestal and I realize it and romanticize it. Then we lose who we are and we live through our significant others.

Become your own person and start doing things outside your boyfriend. If you love animals, volunteer at an animal shelter or animal shelter/SPCA, volunteer at a soup kitchen. Helping others activates our endorphins, and makes us feel good about ourselves by helping people and animals. Join a book club, a craft club at your local YMCA, a Zumba, yoga or Aerobics class. That does wonders for our self esteem, because we are doing wonderful things for our bodies which lift our mood. Take some classes at your local college or tech center. Volunteer at a Hospital and read or play a game with a lonely senior. Do bible study. So many things and passions you can do, and you will have so much fun, you will get out of your head (sometimes as women we get in our own heads too much and anxiety and insecurity, jealousy set in). You will soon see a brand new person, full of life, self esteem..you will have less time wondering and worrying yourself miserable about your boyfriend.

Hi Inky,

I ran into the same situation. It was over a man I had a major crush on for months. He drove the church van to a bible study group. We never dated or anything like that. We texted mainly and flirted via text only after some one told him if my crush. I was so excited that he texted me, that I went overboard with my emotions. One day, I got upset with him over something really stupid, I was so ashamed of my behavior and wanted more than anything to take back my words. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, as I think the crush was only on my part and he was enjoying the ego trip and attention. Not once did he ask me out. I tried to apologize but he was rude..so things were left awkward. I am over him and have had boyfriends and dated since him.

Yesterday, I saw him coming toward me with his friend at a pumpkin festival we were having in town. I think he saw me and stopped. My heart started pounding. I acted like I saw a friend on the other side, waved and went in the opposite direction of him. I could not face him. I know how it feels, but I don’t know why too.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.

Hi Maria,

The verbal abuse (yelling)..and aggression (throwing his phone against the wall) is not something you or any woman should tolerate. This is considered Domestic violence. Let’s suppose one of the neighbors heard him telling or throwing things. They might pick up phone and call the police and he could get arrested. Before you proceed any further with this man, he needs help. Perhaps Psychotherapy or Anger Management..to resolve his anger issues. Move out of you are living with him, because if left unresolved, it will only get worse. Many verbally abusive people can become physically abusive (no matter how nice they might be sometimes). I am sure this is not what you want for your life. Please have no contact with him until he gets the help he needs. It may also be helpful for you to read a wonderful book called “co-dependent no more”. A best selling book.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.

Thanks,

I just got off the phone with the lady who owns the company, or who makes the blankets. She suffers from anxiety herself and says they really help her. Will definitely look into purchasing one. Thanks☺

Hi Insparagus,

You were a teenager when all this happened, you were drinking and you made a mistake and ended the relationships. Don’t listen to negativity..or the 9/10 stuff, whatever it may mean. You have changed and grown. You have not cheated since you have been with your husband. I really do not think “once a cheater always a cheater” is true. I know plenty of people who made a mistake in their youth, and now they are in long term marriages and have not cheated since.

Please don’t punish yourself that happened when you were a teenager. Will punishing and analyzing it change anything? Of course not. Don’t go there. Focus on the positive. Your wonderful relationship with your husband, that you have grown and changed. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

Hi Ella,

Is there anyway, the nights your boyfriend goes out, that you can make plans to have a “girls night out” with your friends? That way you won’t be sitting home alone worrying and wondering about your boyfriend, because you will be too busy having a good time yourself. It doesn’t have to be a bar or anything, maybe a shopping trip, out to eat, an art museum, an observatory, a play, comedy club, movie, etc. Let him worry about you for a change, and if he texts you..let him worry..don’t text him back for a few hours. Let him know you won’t stand for his disrespectful ways.

Does he go out every night with his friends or more than three times this week, if so, I would try to set boundaries with him. Either he wants to “party” or he wants to be in a committed relationship. Also why can’t he ask you out sometimes? I know when I would go out with my girlfriends, I would invite my boyfriend out and show him off. Why not? Why is he hiding you? Talk to him, set clear boundaries, tell him your concerns which are very valid. He probably doesn’t know it bothers you unless you tell him. He should take you out, not his friends all the time.

Hi Shy,

• I think you are putting your boyfriend and your relationship on a pedestal and it is creating a lot of stress for you. I got engaged to my first love when I was very young like you. He was gorgeous. Stunning. Drove a beautiful car, women stared at him. He was funny, made me laugh, he was my whole world. I was not “complete” without him..that’s where the problem was. I put him on a pedestal. All my friends gawked at him, telling me how lucky I was to have someone who looked like a model and so sweet and good to me, we were very giddy with each other and very much in love. It was like a “high” just being around him. He was “perfect”..but then something happened. After we got engaged and I moved in with him..the “pedestal” I had him on, got lower and lower. I was not emotionally ready or mature to be engaged at such a young age. Yet he was. I started to see him as perfect so much, that I psyched myself out, and idealised him and the relationship. When things started to go wrong, I had no idea what to do. I would just say just take it one day at a time. Don’t live in the “what it’s”. Nothing is forever. No matter how much in love you may be. People change, feelings change. Enjoy every day you have with him. Try not to analyze it or think of it as perfection, no such thing. Take things slow and steady.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.