Hi Belle72,

It looks like you have gotten some good advice, so I don’t have much to add, however, I will use a quote, I like to use, because it is so very true. “Never beg for someone’s time, attention or love, if it is not given freely, it is not worth having”. Keep us posted.

Hi Connie,

When he does contact you, is it positive? Does it sound like he misses you and wants to get back together? Even though, it’s every two weeks, maybe he is still “feeling things out” like “will she break up with me again if we do get back together?” maybe he is looking for re-assurance. Maybe something like “I know what I did hurt you, and I have learned from it. I promise to never do this again. Will you consider giving us a chance? What are your thoughts? I don’t think he is playing mind games.

Hi Sunny,

It could be that she cares for you and wants to come, but spa trips you have to reserve well in advance and it can be very expensive. Still she could have sent a nice card and gift and offered an explanation. It sounds like a very long term relationship and an important one, and if she is not in the habit of doing this often, I would gently tell her how you feel. Just say it was really important to you to have her there and see what she says. She may have wanted to come. I don’t know if the spa trip was one that she was traveling to, because in that case it can be very expensive and hard to cancel, but if it was just a day spa, I think it shows insensitivity on her part, and should be brought up.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Amy,

You seem like a very strong person. It’s going to be hard. Break-ups or separations are never easy. But when you start missing him or crying, think of the negative things he put you through, and your frustration. Keep posting on here if you would like for support.

Hi Rose Tatoo,

Sometimes many of us look or are always searching for things outside of ourselves to make us happy. Have you ever heard someone say “when I finally get that raise..I’ll be happy?”..then they get the raise, yet they are not happy because with that raise comes more responsibility, stress, pressures from boss, etc. Or what about “if only I had more money I would be so much happier”..but you hear it all the time, money does not buy happiness. You hear about people winning the lottery. At first they are elated..then months down the road, they have lost it all, or something bad happens to that person. Even most celebrities with the fancy cars, awards, homes are not happy.

This is why so many people say “is this all there is? Then they blame life, because life does not being what they are searching for.

I have always believed “searching” for happiness is elusive and futile. Instead, find small things that brings joy to your day. Things to be grateful for. We have so much in this country, that most people in other developing countries can dream about. They have to walk 10 miles to hand wash their clothes in clean water. They have to worry where their best meal is coming from. They have to see their children go without clothes, medicine and hunger. They have to worry about being shot at if they wear the wrong clothes, get acid poured onto them if they don’t walk behind their husbands, or submit to them. They have to have to have “arranged” marriages. Loveless marriages. We have to count our blessings and that’s joy and happiness, because we don’t have to worry about all that.

We get to get out everyday and see the beauty of a sunrise or sunset. A beautiful butterfly. We have legs to walk, when people are in wheelchairs, in nursing homes or have Parkibsons. We get to wake up every day in the warmth of a bed, a roof over our heads, a hot shower, the small joys in everyday living can bring us happiness. Reading a good book, watching a great movie, laughing with a friend, watching Saturday night live, just the simpkiest things..fireworks, stargazing, an evening drive, a walk on the beach, a purring cat..these are the things that make us happy.

Hi Jon,

I too, suffer from very intense, painful emotions which sabotaged many of my relationships. Most of it due to a very traumatic childhood, constant abandonment, severe neglect, emotional and verbal abuse, not getting the love and nurturing I needed as a child. Unfortunately, this has wreaked havoc in my adulthood, with my relationships with men, friendships, bosses, co-workers, and has left me with several mental health diagnosis, including Borderline Personality Disorder, which consists of impulsive, intense and painful as well as getting into co-dependent relationships. I have been in intensive DBT, REMT, and CBT therapy for several years. I was also put on Topamax for intense, impulsive emotion regulation. Since then, I have been less “intense” less “temper tantrums” less impulsive, my relationships have improved. There is help, there is hope. I hope everything works out. Keep us posted.

Hi Rich,

I self harmed for decades, until Topamax. I have Borderline, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Have Panic Disorder, Severe Anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until I was about 45 until “I let go of my pride” and went on medication. This was after my 12th Psychiatric Hospitalization, right after cutting and wanting to swallow something. I knew something, anything needed to be done.

I too was “numbing” myself. I did not smoke Pot regularly because I was too afraid it would be a “gateway” to more potent drugs like heroin, cocaine. I could only take a few “hits” and I already felt the effects. Yes, it felt good, but it was just a temporary bandaid. I only felt good for about 1/2 hour. Then I would get “paranoid” once I thought my friends dog was out to get me, and it was a small cocker spaniel! My friend laughed at me, because she knew I loved the dog, and could not figure out why I was Acting so paranoid. Please don’t do drugs as “a way out” because it just makes you feel worse, depressed and guilty in the long run, not to mention people can get in trouble with the law, and is it ever expensive. Weed won’t fix your need for perfectionism, self harming, etc.

Sertraline is in a class of antidepressants called SSRI’s. I was on Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil. I felt like a zombie. They numbed me. Then they put me on SNRI’s, such as Cymbalta, which didn’t do anything at all, except make me sweat profusely, make my heart race, vivid dreams, and sent me to ER. I was finally put on Remeron (Mirtazapine) while hospitalized, it is in a class of antidepressants by itself, not an SSRI, or Antipsychotic, or SNRI. I have been on it since 2005, and it pulled me out of the worst depression of my life. I am also on Wellbutrin XL, which in in a different class of antidepressants. Not an SSRI. Does not numb you, or the Reneron. Topamax, is for Migraines and seizures but has been very successful for emotion regulation. It is not an antidepressant. What I am saying is don’t give up on antidepressants because SSRI’S (Sertraline) did not work for you. They don’t work for many people because they numb your emotions. It’s just trial and error, they can also do a “cheek swab” to find which one will work for your DNA. Olanzapine is also used with great success for people with intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, etc. It’s in a class by itself. Very well tolerated. An Atypical Antipsychotics/Antidepressant. And it’s longer lasting and less expensive, more effective than weed.

Hi Cruzzie,

Can you tell me a little more about what happened? What caused this rate? Was it a man, work, friend, parents, life in general? Does this happen often? What are the triggers that set you off? Are you able to pause when you know you are going to have a violent outburst? Maybe get a plan for yourself..such as taking a walk when you feel the anger coming, or be aware of the present moment by guided imagery such as a peaceful scene. Perhaps deep breathing. That usually works with me or calling my friend. I have cue cards, that my therapist helped me with and every time I feel intense anger, I get out one of my “distress tolerance skills” cue cards, which takes my anger from a 10 to maybe a 4. Just keep working on it, have a plan, when you know this is going to happen.