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PeggyParticipantHi Prash,
Disturbing thoughts create disturbance. This doesn’t just happen in the mind. It happens throughout the whole body. Dwelling on the past generally means dwelling on hurtful events. If you dwell on happy memories, then you become happy. No-one can predict the future and, again, if you see a future full of torment then this is a prophecy of your own making and you might be in danger of creating this (self fulfilling prophecy).
Even the most seasoned meditator cannot create the absence of thought. Thoughts can be stilled but they are still thoughts. Letting thoughts come and go as you meditate without becoming attached to them is the basis of meditation. There is nearly always a focus involved whether it be the breath, a mantra, a flower, a candle flame, a mandala, music, nature, creativity.
Once the habit of mindfulness has been established it is no longer tough. Once the habit of living in the present is established it is no longer tough. Once you become calm, solutions to so called problems can be found. Once you actually engage in being peaceful, loving and joyful changes happen of their own accord.
May peace, love and joy be yours.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Thalia,
You know yourself best. What is stopping yourself from following through with your suggestions. Volunteering gives you a connection to others and can make a positive difference in your community. Writing your memoirs gives you a connection to yourself and acts as therapy. Reading is fine but a hobby carried out by one – depends on the subject matter – novels, autobiographies, studying a subject you are passionate about. Book clubs where you discuss the content of a novel you are reading gives you a connection with like-minded people.
You can volunteer in all sorts of different areas – forestry, wall building, animal welfare, helping the elderly, and so on. If you don’t already know where you would like to put your energies, give some thought to this.
Best Wishes
Peggy
September 9, 2019 at 2:32 pm in reply to: Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up? #311095PeggyParticipantHi Alecsee,
One word of advice – throw away the rule book. Everyone is different. Every relationship you ever enter into will be different. The ending of this short term relationship, four months, has really got you steamed up, hot under the collar, angry. No-one likes rejection. This woman has let you down by not having unprotected sex and a threesome! Why would that feel to her like you were motivated by love – she thinks you just want her for sex, remember. I don’t know where she got it from, do you?
She doesn’t want your help – you are out of her life! There’s no way you can help her. You can help yourself by putting your failed relationships behind you and finding other activities to fill your time instead of dwelling on the past. The only time you have is now so start living in the present.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Mist,
Welcome. I’m also a relative newcomer to the site and I’m with you all the way on the value of laughter and how it can lighten up your life. I’m like the Stig, anonymous, too old to mention, with no pets to my name. I like how you’ve said that our shared experiences can strengthen us all in the long term. Not too long I hope. I wouldn’t wish to make light of anyone’s problems but ‘Stressed’ is just ‘Desserts’ spelt backwards. We’ve all been there!
Happy Days
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHello Javairia,
Everything became much clearer with Anita’s post regarding your childhood drama of your mother’s attempted suicide. I can see now that your brother’s attempted suicide took you straight back sub consciously to that previous incident. You became that 6 year old child again, the one who needed to be loved, the one who needed attention, the one who needed recognition. At 6 years old, you may not have the words to describe your own feelings. You coped as best you could. Now that your brother has attempted to take his own life, all the feelings that you have been masking for ten years or so have come to the surface.
It is never too late to heal that inner child. Give her the attention she needs now, hold her, cuddle her, talk to her, be gentle and kind to her, reassure her that it was not her fault, that she is safe now. Tell her over and over again that you love her. Please do this.
Sent with much love.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Michelle,
I just wanted to say what an inspiring post you have just delivered to Tannhauser.
I don’t know why people insist on looking for God in the wrong place. If you can’t find him within yourself, you won’t find him anywhere. I read somewhere that “human” meant divine mind. We are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions / reactions and the angrier Tannhauser becomes, the more pain he creates for himself. He was rude to me once and is incapable of saying thank you.
On behalf of Tannhauser, I wish to thank you most sincerely for being an angel of light.
Peggy
September 9, 2019 at 1:59 am in reply to: Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up? #310969PeggyParticipantHi Alecsee,
I get what you are saying, I really do!
Why didn’t she address the issues she had with you? Fear.
For you, the problems in the relationship could be easily solved if you had worked together and communicated more effectively. They might have been but your ex girlfriend wasn’t ready for this.
Problems don’t become bigger if they are not addressed, they become bigger when they are focused upon.
It sounds to me as if you would be better off forming a relationship with someone who isn’t introverted.
I hope you can come to terms with what has happened and find peace within yourself.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantDear Javairia,
Are you really so angry with yourself? I can’t believe that you have been through so much with your mother and not received any help. Your siblings also seem to be suffering their own traumas which probably began for similar reasons to your own. You have been carrying the weight of your mother’s own depression leading to at least one attempt on her own life, which you witnessed. What harm do you think that did to a 6 year old child and who do you think got the most attention? Your mother.
I’ll come back to you later when I stop being so angry on your behalf.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantThank you, Prash.
I’m a little tired right now. I prefer to think of us as one rather than we are all one. We all share the same planet and all breathe into and out of the same air. Our bodily mechanics work in exactly the same way and our basic requirements are the same. We all have an influence on those around us, some of us are more aware of this than others. Life, generally, gets in the way of us giving too much thought to what lies beyond or even to what our purpose on Earth might be. Living in the present is the only place to be.
May you have many more peaceful moments and thank you for your response.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHello Daniel,
Thank you for your response. Your thoughts should be like eating a nutritious meal. They should be there to nurture you. Any thoughts that are not nurturing you need to be kicked out. Keep all the positive thoughts and kick out all the negative ones. Be aware of how you are talking to yourself, your inner dialogue. You can use what is called the “STOP” technique. As soon as you catch yourself talking negatively to yourself, say STOP. Literally, STOP yourself from doing it. Replace that thought with a positive thought. Prepare yourself – write down your “normal” negative thoughts and then write a “positive” one alongside it. As soon as you are aware of that particular negative thought entering your consciousness, make yourself say the positive one to counteract it. It’s like building a new pathway in your brain, a new way of thinking. It becomes easier with time the more you practice it.
You say that you don’t feel loved by anyone. Does that include your little brother? Right now, he is too young to judge you and will be accepting you as you are. Does that include your mother who doesn’t know how to help you through your depression? How can you love yourself? This is not dependent on being loved by other people. Loving yourself first is your gift to yourself. You can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that “I LOVE YOU”. You can do this every morning when you get dressed and every evening before you go to sleep. You can count all the good qualities that you possess. I’ve only asked for three, I could have asked for 30. Read them to yourself until you have absorbed them and begin to feel good/better about yourself.
There are always opportunities to get to know people – make conversation with someone on the train, on a park bench, in a cafe. It doesn’t matter that you might never see them again. The fact that someone, YOU, has engaged with them in this way could be exactly what they need. If that is what brings you joy, then do it. No excuses.
Your father cut contact with you at 14. Your logical mind is telling you that it is for the best and that you would freak out and run if you ever saw him. How are you going to release these feelings if you never see him? Depression only comes from two places, one of which is unexpressed anger. How can you express your anger when your father was angry and your mother left him?
I’m going to make a suggestion. I am going to suggest that you write a letter to your father expressing how you feel towards him, how hurt you have been by his behavior, how frightened you are at the thought of meeting him, how you’ve had to keep your feelings to yourself until now and what that has done to you. Pour all your emotions out.
You don’t need to send the letter. Once you’ve written it and are happy that you have included everything, you can either keep it in a safe place, you can hold a ceremony and burn it as a way of releasing it or, if you want to, you can post it here so that we can all share in experiencing your deepest feelings.
I look forward to hearing from that new, positive you.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Rideeta,
Thank you for your response. Your ex-boyfriend is the one that has hurt you and himself for that matter. He strung you along in the hopes that you would change. What was wrong with him changing? He had the same opportunity to change as you did. True love accepts people for who they are. Perhaps you’ve come to realize that moving on to new people after you’ve broken up was none of his business. You were free to enter into new relationships. You didn’t have to heal first. Please do not regret your actions. You cannot change them. As you said, you were young and probably still are and you are learning about love and relationships. If you don’t engage in another relationship you will miss the opportunity to learn.
There are things I want to say to you but I don’t really know how – I want to lift you up and out of this place you are finding yourself in. I want to shine a light into you so that you can see your own beauty. I want you to let your own brilliance shine.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Peggy
PeggyParticipantDear Prash,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share that with me. I truly appreciate it.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Javairia,
This poem is just one of many that I’ve written to reflect my life story and my journey into healing, entitled Good Enough.
How did I get here? In this good enough space that I am filling, Sending out my good enough healing prayers, To be implemented by those who are willing.
The principles of healing are simple enough, And the question to ask is “How”, How is it that you carry such fear? When you are good enough to allow.
Good enough to allow yourself permission, To replace all your fear with love, Good enough to receive a gentle reminder, In the guise of an angelic shove.
Move over, fear, and give love a chance, To fill this good enough space, You’ve lived with fear for long enough, Now it’s time to show it your mace
Give love a chance, pray, give love a chance, To fill your fearless heart, Be good enough for love to stay, And fulfill your heavenly chart.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Daniel,
I’m sorry that you have been feeling so lonely and depressed for so long. You say that you always carry the burden of your thoughts on your back. I am going to say that you don’t have to. This is the choice that you are making. Dump that burden as fast as you possibly can. You are responsible for your own thoughts and the second you know that you can change them for the better is the second that your mood will improve.
Isolation, fear, sadness, anxiety and loneliness will ruin your whole life if you let it. You are locking yourself away in your own little world. If you want someone to understand you, then you need to talk to them about your inner feelings, hopes, ambitions, interests and so on. If you really want to have deep talks then join some groups that specialize in discussing topics that you are interested in. Guess what – women attend those groups and you might very well attract a woman who likes what you have to say. Someone who goes beyond the shallow “let’s sleep together” mentality.
You want to live on your own away from your family – so I’m guessing that it is your family that doesn’t understand you.
Self esteem comes from loving yourself. Self esteem comes from knowing who you are. I’m going to say the same things to you as I said to someone else on TB. Let me know three things that you like about yourself and three things that you enjoy doing. Just three. Stand in front of a mirror, full length if possible, and say to your reflection “I LOVE YOU”.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHello Rideeta,
I know that religion is more important to some people than others but if you’ve made it clear from the beginning that you do not have the same belief system as him then he should have listened to your communication and made a decision to either accept you as you were or move on to one of the thousands of women that do share his beliefs.
You are not insignificant – you are a fully paid up member of the human race and you have just as much significance as anyone else. Just because he is able to achieve good grades, this does not make him a decent human being. You cannot and should not compare yourself to other people. I know that people are put under academic pressure these days but that’s just the way society chooses to measure us. I personally believe that this is wrong. You feel that you were nowhere good enough for him. Yes, your insecurities are talking to you. Your inner critic is feeding you the wrong information. It’s just as likely that you were too good for him. I’ve written a poem on the subject of being “good enough” as not being good enough is a feeling that I carried for a good number of years. I must look it up and see what I wrote.
These thoughts that you are having are not the truth, they are just thoughts. Let them come and let them go. You have amazing capabilities. You can do well academically and you have nothing whatsoever to prove.
Peggy
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 