Hi Lost Soul,

Thank you for your reply.

There is no such thing as the perfect person.  We are all a “work in progress”.  Some people recognize that and others go through life somewhat blindly.  You have clearly given a lot of thought to everything that has happened to you through life.

You suffered a lot of rejection in childhood and every time you get rejected by someone that childhood button is pressed.  You are never going to be able to change what happened in those early years but you can change the framework in which you choose to see it.  Your parents were “flawed”, your siblings became “flawed” along with any other bully that you came into contact with.  We are all victims of victims – it’s passed down through families with each child behaving in some way like the parent that went before.  I am in no way excusing what happened to you.

Learning to love yourself, warts and all, is the key to overcoming the negative belief systems that have been installed into you.  Send love to that little child and send love to that grown woman.  This is a really important part of the healing process.

You have worth and you have value and you are worthy of respect.  That’s an outsider’s opinion.  I believe it.  You need to believe it.  The fact that we are communicating with each other gives both of us a value/worth.  Everyone who has replied to you is fulfilling a need within themselves.  

Peggy

Hi Lost Soul,

You sound like such a lovely person and I really enjoyed reading your post.  I strongly believe that being a sensitive person (as I am) causes us extra angst and, as children, we do not have the skills to withstand the criticisms and, dare I say, bullying of those around us.  This is why I said that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others because they are not in your skin.  I have several siblings and, whilst we had a good and loving upbringing, we have all responded differently to various elements that were present.  I think I had some kind of switching off device where I could go into my own world if I needed to.  I have had three children and it was obvious from the moment they were born that they were all entirely different characters.

I came to a point in my life (somewhere around 40) when I chose to extract the positives from situations/people that I had encountered on a personal level.  I chose to find a way of turning things around and looking at them in ways that would nurture me.  I made a conscious decision to move away from negative thinking and into positive thinking.  Maybe my switching device came into play or maybe I was just determined to do this but it was almost an overnight happening.  I read a book called “The Power of Positive Thinking” and this inspired me.  There’s a sentence in there that says:  “Change your thoughts and you change your life”.

Keep counting all the positives from your childhood.  Food, clothing and shelter are not to be underestimated.  There were times in my adult life when I was glad to be able to do that much for my children.  Your basic physical needs were looked after – just not your emotional needs.  Yes, our perceptions can become distorted but this is your feeling at the present time and, as such, it is valid in the present.  For the time being, you need to emotionally support that little girl who didn’t get what she needed – love.  If you have a photograph of yourself as a child, keep it close by you and send your love to that little girl now.  Do this over and over again.  Keep sending her your love and whilst you look in the mirror every morning send yourself love.  “I love me” is a simple statement to make.  Make it every day.

I don’t know why your parents had you but I do know that they have given you the gift of life.  I believe that every person who has ever been born has been born for a reason.  You are serving a purpose here on Earth even if you don’t know what that is.  It’s really good that you looked after your parents in their final days.  You can draw great comfort from that and from all the positive comments that were made about you at the time.

Mindfulness and meditation are two great ways of “switching your thoughts off”.  Listening to the sounds around you before going to sleep is a form of meditation and you become aware of your surroundings which is mindfulness.  Perhaps you can explore this in more depth.

With regard to “where to go, what to do, where to live”, I’ve been trying to get to grips with these kinds of questions for a very long time.  I can be very indecisive over some things.  We haven’t discussed your occupation – does this tie you to a particular location?  Are you asking “what to do” in general or is this, again, to do with your occupation.  Where to go – daily, entertainment, holiday, social gatherings?  Do you want to discuss this in more detail?

I hope you have a lovely day and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Peggy

Hi Lost Soul,

Thank you for responding and answering my questions.

As a principle, I don’t think it is a good thing to be on a website which specifically targets those wishing to marry.  I personally think that it puts too much pressure on those taking part.  I think that it is better to let a relationship develop gradually over the course of a few months, get to know someone face to face, find out whether you have shared interests, similar values and so on.  This does of course mean that they would live in your district (close by).

It’s good that you’ve asked him to be honest with you but, if he does make a further arrangement with you as I suspect he will, make sure that he knows that you won’t accept any more excuses and that this is his very last chance.

Good Luck.

Peggy

Hi Lost Soul,

I’m not sure what you mean by “I still doubt my reality”.  You exist, you belong, you have a place on Earth.  Please do not compare yourself to other people.  There is only one person that can be “YOU”.  You weren’t put on Earth to be any other person but yourself.

You may have a problem (current) but you are not the problem.  Problems are there to be solved.  Instead of “toughen up” read “strengthen”.  This happens from the inside.  Strengthen your inner self by kicking out all negative programming and belief systems and introducing positive affirmations, self acceptance, self love, thoughts that nurture and support you.

Don’t expect too much of yourself.  Congratulate yourself on all the things that you accomplished and on all the things that improved.  Give yourself encouragement and praise.  Even though it may feel odd at first, even though that “other voice” may want to criticize you for all the things you haven’t done, keep reminding yourself that you did well TODAY.  Well done for everything you achieved today.

It is impossible to get everything done in one day.  This is everyone’s reality.  Prioritize your tasks.  Will the world fall to bits if you don’t do the dusting, ironing etc.  Can you pay someone to take over some of the tasks in the short term – a cleaning company will do a thorough clean in a few hours leaving you free to tackle other jobs without feeling so overwhelmed.  Can you take a weekend break where you have a complete change of scenery and are looked after – meals provided, room cleaned, bed made.  Having a complete break can help put things in perspective.  If this is out of the question, can you pamper yourself at the end of the day by taking a warm scented bubble bath, playing some relaxing music, drifting off ………..fluffy clouds, palm trees, the sound of the sea, deep blue sky …………

Peggy

Dear Aria,

I consider, overall, that I had a very good and loving upbringing.  However, I was labelled by my mother, ridiculed by my father and subtly bullied by my brother and sister.  None of it was meant unkindly but being a sensitive person it had the effect of making me feel rejected, not accepted for who I was.  The antidote for this was accepting myself for who I was/am and loving myself as I am.  This is very empowering and gives rise to confidence.

I would ask you not to concern yourself with what might be but focus on what is in the present.

You can’t do everything at once.  Break your ambitions/desires down into manageable chunks.  You are a good listener, artistic and want to help people.  There are career opportunities for which you would be ideally suited.  Using your talents in a therapeutic setting might be a good place to start.

You have a bucket list.  Chose the easiest one and make it happen.

Someone once said that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.  Take tiny steps towards facing your fears.  It’s empowering and helps build confidence.  Talk to someone in the check out queue.  It’s a social interaction.  Just a small one.

It is possible for you to have friends and it is possible for you to have a man who can see beyond the outer appearance.  It can happen and it does happen.

In the end, you are the one who decides whether you stay on the ground with her wings clipped or whether you learn to fly.  Even our feathered friends have to learn life skills.

With best wishes

Peggy

Hi Mandy,

I’m not really sure what your problem is here.

Firstly, you have met someone with whom you can talk, you go places together, cuddle, have trips and generally have a lot in common.  This is wonderful.  Focus on these positives.  There are no guarantees with relationships – it may not be forever but surely there is enough here for you to enjoy in the moment.

You have no control over his ex-wife.  She holds all the cards with regard to the children and how much power she wishes to exert.  I think you are probably going to need lots of patience and understanding on this front and you may need to accept your place in this whole scenario.  There can be no winners in this situation and only you can decide whether it is worth taking part.

Just because he hasn’t added you to social media, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you.  I think you are giving this too much importance especially as you say he is a private person.  All he needs is to share some of his time with you.  If the amount of time he is or isn’t spending with you is becoming a problem, then you may need to consider your options.

I agree with Mark that it takes time to come to terms with the end of a marriage.  However, you are already in this relationship. I would say that 5 months is a relatively short amount of time to be with someone and perhaps you should hold off making too many plans.  If you can, carry on dating and enjoy his company for a few hours a week knowing that it may not last forever.  If you look for red flags, you will find them.

Peggy

Hi Parker,

This is a big step forward – something has shifted in you.  I’m so pleased for you.

Wishing you every success for the future.

Peggy

Hi Kathy,

Your fiance forgave you when you cheated and now you want to forgive him.  You also have a son together so you have an added reason to be together.  Why do people cheat?  Countless reasons.  Forget the rest – why has your fiance cheated?  You need to sit down and talk this through.

This affair has threatened your relationship (unsettled you)  – your relationship was already under threat for cheating to have happened.  Find out why and work on making improvements (this takes both of you).  You may need couples counselling to help resolve this.

Good Luck

Peggy