Big blue, speaking as a lady (the name’s confusing, I know. Sorry.) I would be happy if my friend started dating. Happy for them. Especially if I knew they kind of carried a flame for me maybe, because it would mean they’d finally be getting over that and things would be less awkward between us. (Except, speaking from experience, things would probably never really stop being slightly awkward. These days, I’d probably increase the distance myself because these kinds of friendships are wrought with drama and hurt feelings all around.)

So yes, I would notice. I would notice and be relieved.

It seems to me you’re suggesting Cyd can manipulate her into loving him or at least being jealous by finding someone to date. At the same time, he can deceive himself into believing he’s really into it for the ‘new experiences’ and ‘fun’ he’ll be having on these pretend dates, while not actually letting her go. It would actually be all about her. And if she shows a glimmer of interest, the next step is obviously some grand, public gesture which would embarrass her into agreeing to date him.

Darling, that’s terrible advice. Start to finish. You can’t manipulate someone into loving you. Trying to make someone jealous is middle school bullshit. And what about the other ‘fun dates’ he’d be using in this way? They’re probably looking for someone who’s, you know, legitimately available. Not nice. Hanging out with a friend who only wants to be friends in the hope they’ll see what a wonderful lover you’d make is a game that can only end in tears. As for the stadium? Words fail me.

No. Sit down.

And have a cup of tea. I know you mean well, and just because I disagree with your approach to the situation doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person or wrong about everything. Just this thing. All my best wishes.

Matt’s answer is good. I can also feel with the Ruminant’s experience. I am the same, yet slightly better. And I still have good days and bad, and sometimes, when I’m sleep deprived or something happens that digs right down to the root of my weaknesses, it all goes out the window for a moment and I’m as bad as ever. But I get back out of that mire more quickly now. And it doesn’t happen so often, now.

Keep practicing. You don’t graduate from eating your greens (as Matt says) or brushing your teeth or getting up on time or being kind to people. It takes less deliberate effort as you get into the habit, but you keep doing these things. That’s what change is, remembering to do the things that are helpful.

No.

It is very hard work to be “just friends” with someone you want to be “more than friends” with, and it rarely leaves you better off in the end. You will always have the low ground in any interaction, you will always want more from them than they are able to give you. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on them. Rarely, the longed-for “friend” in this situation has a change of heart, but the odds are against you and what are you missing out on while you pine for them?

Cut ties. Mourn what never was, then pick yourself up and find someone who wants you, too.

I think you may be over-reacting slightly. I’ve done some tantric yoga and it was just a bunch of breathing exercises, nothing all that sexy! 🙂

I think the suggestion of going with her is a good one. It will give you some idea of what she’s doing and you can talk about what she enjoys about it and help calm your fears a little. Or, if it does feel a bit sleazy and too free-lovey for your tastes, then you can talk to her about that and point out specific things that people said or whatever it was that rubbed you the wrong way. An informed conversation is generally a good idea.

Good luck!

The Ruminant speaks wisdom.

There is no such thing as a point of no return unless you are actually dead. You are not dead. You live. And you can move towards being kinder to yourself, to turning your anger into constructive action, learning about letting go of the past and your anger.

It’s not going to be easy. But I don’t see that you have an alternative.

You will know which voice is the right one by following one of them and watching whether that makes you happier or more wrapped up in doubt, stress and misery.

I know which I would choose, but I’m not you. I’ll just second the Ruminant in saying I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you if you choose NOT to work in television. Lots of people choose not to work in television. Not because they couldn’t make it, but because they just don’t want to.

Not giving into every unreasonable demand from your mother sounds like very skillful behaviour to me.

Remember that the karma you reap is not just your actions from last week, it is the years and years before, the way you grew up, the thoughts you’ve taken in as your own, your long-term intentions and short-term aquiescence.

Being your mother’s puppet is a sure way to further suffering: how could you find contentment if you’re at the beck and call of someone who is never content? Guard those boundaries, and work towards a better financial situation with dilligence, patience, and a sense of independence. You are very clear in this post about what you don’t want to be. You know where to go. You will suffer along the way. Of course. That’s the first noble truth.

Don’t panic. Nothing is wrong. Continue on your way as you ‘burn off’ your previous karma of giving in to your mother’s demands, and reconfigure your relationship with her. It will get easier.

All my best wishes.