[I don’t know your whole story with this person so I’m just commenting on what you’ve posted here]

You’re not a failure. I know all too well that feeling, but trust me, you’re not. You’ve been sober for some time, that’s not nothing. You may have slipped, but you got back up. That means you’re not a failure. You keep going, which makes you strong. My godmother was an alcoholic, in her depressed states she would slip, but she would try again. I can say a failure is someone who refuses to try. Personally, when I feel like this, I have an inspirational playlist to listen to [granted, it’s mostly Pink songs, but she’s always inspired me]

I also understand your loneliness. Nobody talks to you, you feel forgotten and left out. However,  sometimes we need to reach out. Life gets in the way, and sometimes people get use to not texting/calling [especially with the stress of the holidays] and I know it can feel like you’re always reaching out, but makes you the stronger person. You care, and if you make it a point to talk at the same time each week, it will become a habit the other person will want to continue. Remember, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Seek out new connections, new friends, new hobbies. I spent years only being at work or at home, rarely texting or seeing old friends or family. Earlier this year a regular at my work invited me to the movies and we’ve become amazing friends and hang out once a week. I’m saying, as scary as it is, perhaps take a step out of your comfort zone and try a hobby or meet one new person. They don’t have to be a potential romantic partner [I feel you should heal first] but to have someone help bring that joy back into your life is paramount.

As for this person, I know they seem like a big deal, but you can love yourself. You don’t need anyone. If it’s meant to be, they will return, but only after you have grown and healed. Otherwise, history will repeat itself. If they don’t return, it simply means there’s someone greater waiting for you. Focus on the good, talk to a therapist, work to grow, keep going. I know it sucks right now, especially when you’re in the dark place, but keep going, and you’ll find the light at the end. [I know that’s cliche, but it’s true. We all need to remind ourselves when things are terrible, there is sunshine ahead]

love and light to you

I had similar problems when I first started seeing my fiance. We first met at a con and he was homeless [we started dated 3 years later] His parents are amazing people who accepted me into their home from day one [total shock to my system lol] My fiance has a ton of good qualities, he can be a bit annoying to people [he has ADHD, I don’t mind it, but his esoteric references and hyperactivity can be overwhelming to people who aren’t used to him] and he’s struggled with finding and keeping jobs. My family [specifically my mom’s side since my parents are divorced and I rarely see my dad’s side because of distance] constantly harped on my finance and would insist I leave him. Years of this. I know the stress.

Good people who mean well, doing the best they can. I know what it’s like to live with flawed individuals [my life was filled with flawed people] I understand being abused [I was] and it is an incredibly difficult thing to overcome, especially learned patterns [I struggle with a few myself] but it isn’t acceptable to fall back on why you’re abusing another because you were abused. Your fiance doesn’t deserve it and neither do you. I understand your mother in law slipping up on that rare occasion where tensions are high, but acknowledge, apologize, and work towards healing. If she verbally abuses you, then goes “I was abused” and never attempts to change this behaviour, it’s a toxic pattern you both need to step away from. Calmly talk with her, and explain why you need your space. You still love her, but until she starts working towards change, you cannot keep exposing yourselves to the pain. Especially if you’re planning a future together that may include kids. [just saying, if that is part of your future goals, it’s better to start now instead of when their first grandchild arrives]

Limiting your interactions with them is wise, going to therapy [your fiance, but also your mother in law] and all of you being open and understanding of each other’s struggles would be ideal. Sadly, things are rarely this perfect, so have a plan in place, prepare yourselves for these little visits, and know when to walk away. You don’t need to stay, you’re not obliged to do anything. My friend always says you don’t owe your relatives anything, you’re related by circumstance, you become family by choice. That bond is what you build with people, it isn’t blood. My fiance has also chosen not to go places where certain family members will be because he knows it will end with a fight. I limit my interactions with them for the same reason, and I’ve even cut ties with one family member [granted, he threatened to kill us and my family all laughed it off because he’s threatened to kill everyone at one point or another, but I’m the crazy one] point is, your fiance is your family. Everyone else you can choose. You don’t owe them anything. Work towards healing, they do seem like lovely people but don’t feel obligated. If you and your fiance are putting in all the effort, or you feel more stressed than loved, you can choose to walk away.

I wish you all the best.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Nekoshema.

I’m sorry to hear that. I was in a similar situation a year ago with my fiance, so I know how your wife feels. The difference is, she seems unwilling to fix it. I felt distant with my fiance, we talked through it and decided to have more us time. We picked one day a week to be alone, go on dates, be intimate, or just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. He also disliked how much I’m on my phone so I’m making an effort o reduce the amount of time I’m on my phone. I didn’t like how I would be in one room and he would be in another, so now I’ll bring my laptop into the living room while he’s playing video games, and he’ll come into the bedroom to nap instead of on the couch. It’s little changes but they’ve made a big difference. The fact she won’t even go on a date night upsets me. Furthermore, divorce isn’t “quitting” it is a healthy option. [no, I’m not saying run out and get that divorce] We grow and change as people over time, and someone you loved five years ago might not be the same person today. The other major one is if your future goals don’t align. There’s a show I love Aggretsuko [yes, anime fan, go with it] in its second season, it pushes this point home. Retsuko falls in love with this perfect guy, and Tadano is amazing. The two get along perfectly, they’re both better people together and want to be together forever. The conflict comes when Tadano tells her he doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want kids. Retsuko realizes at that moment that’s her dream, to one day be a wife and mother, but Tadano doesn’t want that. They both love each other, they’re perfect for each other, but to live “happily ever after” Retsuko would have to give up on her dream. They break up, it’s painful for both of them, but they know it’s for the best. That’s a very painful lesson we don’t teach enough, you’re not losing, or quitting, by forcing yourself to stay somewhere that wouldn’t fulfil you, you’re failing yourself.

If she seriously wants this, go out on that date, talk about your dreams, do the work together. You both deserve to be happy, as do your kids. As someone who’s parents divorced, I can tell you, the kids know when mom and dad are upset. You can show them more if you are honest, civil, and loving. It will hurt, but how you handle it [divorce, reconciliation, or remaining in a loveless marriage] will teach your children a lesson, and hopefully the right one. Yes, work together, fall back in love with each other, remember why you fell for each other, and rediscover the people you’ve become [13 years, so much can change. Think about your favourite show 13 years ago, is it still your favourite? time marches on and things change so slowly you don’t notice]

I wish you both the best of luck and I hope things work out better than you dream.

Hey Daniel,

I know how you feel. I’ve been in situations like this a lot. If you’re anything like me, you’ve built up this idea in your mind and that’s what’s fueling your nerves/infatuation around D. As terrifying as it is [and I know it is] you need to tell her how you feel. Go somewhere where it’s just the two of you [neutral place like a cafe] and tell her. Don’t blurt it out, but after a few minutes, you’re comfortable, explain how you feel, and tell her [I’m assuming here] you would like to go out on a date, but if she doesn’t feel that way, you’re happy to remain as friends. Think of all the reasons why you like her. Sure, you’re attracted to her, but all her positive qualities as a person, you like her as a person, so is it really so bad if she says she just wants to be your friend? It can be awkward, and it can take time to heal, but you can still be friends if romance isn’t in the cards. Should you refuse to tell her, you’ll feel worse, trust me. You’ll build your fears of telling her, and you’ll be in pain physically and emotionally. While trying to flirt or give signals to test the water is a safe move, don’t rely on it. Sure, three months may seem new, but if you wait too long, she might see you as a friend by the time you finally tell her how you feel.

From what you’ve posted, I don’t know if she likes you as more than a friend or not, but you might be playing it too subtle so she doesn’t realize you like her that way. I’m glad you found someone to talk to in the moment instead of ruminating on it alone. I can’t weigh in on the “she was drunk/she didn’t mean it” thing, but as someone who used to drink a lot at parties, the notion of lowered inhibitions causing you to make out with anyone is very likely [I would just hope no major creeps were near D to take advantage of her] above all, I would hope you have the moral fortitude in the situation to know where the line is and to not cross it, as well as to insure D [or anyone who is intoxicated] is safe.

Regarding A, I hope you’re not planning to use her as a backup in case things don’t work out with D. It isn’t fair or kind to you or to A. That said, there’s no reason not to remain friends with A. Should things progress romantically, there’s no harm in pursuing her. Even if you simply wish to be A’s friend, don’t feel guilty for texting her, you have no reason to be.

Best of luck to you.

i know the feeling of frustration once being ‘normal’ and now a medical thing throws a wrench in life [for me it’s my feet, but my anxiety does cause me to hyperventilate] i suggest diet and exercise, don’t go off the medication, but destressing yourself, as well as diet and exercise can help. by diet i mean keep a food diary, try various foods and record if they effect you in any way. if they cause your stomach to become more upset, cut them out [main reason i don’t eat pork] for exercise, pick things that help you release tension, relax and/or unwind. eventually you should find a way to manage your stress and your acid reflux, but don’t stop or it will return. that’s something i do, i’ll stretch daily for 3 weeks then shrug one day thinking ‘feeling fine, i’m going to skip it’ only to fall out of my routine and less than a week later my feet are being a pain again.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Nekoshema.

aww, surprisingly i know the pain. it was the summer i turned 24 i worked with a really cynical person, and something inside me woke up, i wondered “who am i, and what do i want?” so i began carrying a journal around and writing down anything i came across [a thought, something that caught my eye, a funny moment, or an aggravating one] but it wasn’t until the summer i turned 25 things started to get rocky [and another year before i heard the term ‘quarter life crisis’] i remember a week before my birthday i wrote a list ‘reflections on 25’ and i listed a bunch of ‘accomplishments’ in my life, but i wound up looking at the list wondering ‘that’s it?!’ [i was also now working with the cynic and her even more judgemental sister. long story, but the two would either not listen to me, or stand around berating my life choices up to that point. one was going to be a teacher, the other was about to graduate and become a chiropractor, and then there was me, still in the same crappy town working a dead end cafe job. what a loser. ha. ha. ha.] so i spiralled, i began questioning why i was so far behind, and everything began to seem hopeless.

anyway, one day i decided to put a filter on my life. [the two left in the fall and i stopped listening to negative influences.] if there were people who weren’t serving me, gone. i stopped watching the news [because it’s mostly death, death, death, natural disaster, cute aww moment, weather] but i started watching a lot more documentaries [always loved them] i also cleaned up Facebook big time, only keeping pages and following people that were informative, but also made me happy [TinyBudda, Kelly-Ann Maddox, The Cottage Witch, Sarcasm Society for a laugh] while i don’t ignore the news, i filter it so it’s news that matters to me. being flooded by everything will end badly. shut off the tap and slowly turn it back on. journaling really helped me, i would give it a try. meditation also helped, as well as deep breathing.

now i’m Canadian so we don’t carry guns for protection, but why do you feel you need to protect yourself? precautions are one thing [thumbs up moving in with your friend if you didn’t feel comfortable alone] but you were fine on your own before this metamorphosis. while you should be aware of your surroundings and keep at least one eye open [don’t leave your drink unattended, don’t walk alone down the dark alley, make sure your phone is charged and on you] you can’t control everything, you have to learn to take a deep breath and accept unforeseen things can happen regardless of how cautious you are. take precautions but don’t let danger rule your life. [to use one of my favourite Simpsons quote: people die all the time, just like that. why you could wake up dead tomorrow. goodnight.] i would take calculated risks to ease yourself back into a safety zone [like your friends go to a random new restaurant none of you have been to, or explore the city in the middle of the day, or sign up for a random class]

best of luck to you.

sorry to hear about all of that. i had depression as a result of my anxiety [and 90% of my problems stemmed from hating my town, my job, and almost every aspect of my life] so i too moved [thankfully things are better with my depression, anxiety is still an occasional struggle] so i know the desire to just start over. thing is, why do you wish to hit the reset? while your first move sounds like a good one, this second move for you sounds more like running away. what do you hate about the person you feel you’re becoming? perhaps sit down with a pen and paper and write out everything you feel you’re becoming, why you don’t want to be like this, and ways you can turn it around. even if you move again, it’s a quick fix, you need to confront the pain.

if you’re not talking to a therapist i highly recommend doing so and they can help you work through your emotions [even if all you wish to do is vent and have someone quietly listen.] journalling, meditation, mindfulness and TinyBuddha all really helped for me. [you could also try affirmations and posting positive quotes around your home] also, healthy eating and exercise can be a great mood booster. the frustration and pain is a tough one to deal with alone, but i journalled and made lists, like what i want to do, where i want to go, who do i admire, what do i want to be, stuff like that along with random quotes, ideas and events. it might help you. good luck.