Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing! I am going to focus on the meditation part as I have always wanted to try meditation but was just anxious and impatient to give it a start. I will try to start tomorrow and then take it from there. I do want to share some of the childhood and domestic issues but I think I will just take a little time before I can really open up about those things. I hope meditation will help me untangle some of those issues since my mind will be more clear.

Anita, it is the worst in the morning. I wake up feeling how could I have been so naive and blinded by such a person, I feel just plain stupid. It hurts because I am scared of moving on and falling blind again to such people. I definitely have learned some lessons from this but I still cannot comprehend how I never saw any of it coming, how I never recognized the red flags, why I kept going……

I wish there was a way to skip the mornings to midday where I am more motivated to focus on other things in my life. My days started with his msgs and calls….that is why the mornings are the toughest.

Also he never told his parents I was “bad news” rather just told me that I would be “bad news” to them since they never have known he even dates and has a girlfriend

The more I reflect on the situation, the more I feel his initial hesitance was because he knew his family would want an arranged marriage. I think he convinced himself and me that he could fight his parents if needed (but he just kept me more oblivious to the whole situation) and didn’t think it would be much of a problem until the time came.

I remember asking him questions such as, are you sure your family does not mind love marriages?-Of course not! We have had family love marriages, that will not be an issue but I have never discussed it with them….I am sure they will not mind.

I would reply saying: You should try having these conversations with your parents, it is important you are well aware of their expectations as well especially being an only child. To which he would say: I have a different relationship with them and they do not need to be involved in such things right now and they will not be able to apprehend it as they first want me to finish my program and get a job….

More questions I asked:

are you sure your mom does not want to choose the bride for you as such traditional families do?- no! We are not like typical brown families, please stop comparing us

are you sure your family does not want someone who will visit them regularly in India and stay there for some time? I obviously can visit a few times but not for a long period of time considering my career is here. NO! They are not looking for some caretaker, they will be so happy that you make me happy….stop thinking that way.

It is so ironic that when the time came, his mother said the exact opposite of all his answers. Of course, she wanted an arrange marriage or at least to choose his future bride who would visit them always and even spend a few months with them. I remember on our last phone call he told me he could not believe how selfish his mother was but could not disobey her because of her health….. a part of me feels sorry that he was this oblivious to his own family’s reality but a part of me is so shocked how one can be so clueless…..

Dear Anita,

You are right. He was dishonest.

I waited so long before having my first relationship because I was so scared of heartbreak. I had seen so many terrible relations around me that I thought if I wait I can avoid the mess and find the person for me….he was the first for me in every aspect. I introduced him to my parents too and I do feel stupid for having so much faith in him. You’re also right that I should not have needed to persuade him, for some reason I thought that if I can be perfect for him then why not have this relationship because we did have a good understanding and good times in general. I thought he is being hesitant but maybe if we spend more time together then he will be more sure as time passed which eventually he was ….but I really should not have needed to chase him so much. I guess I was in my fairytale of wanting a boyfriend so much that I thought these little compromises which eventually did drain me were normal for any relationship…I suppose not.

I did ask him to explain these contradictions to me in which he would reply saying you keep asking me so many times that I keep getting lost in my words and saying some things in the heat of the moment. I remember once he even referred to me as “bad news” to his parents which really threw me off.. we had another argument about it and he said I am sorry I did not mean in it in that way. He kept turning it around on me though saying I need to stop overthinking this and enjoy the relationship for the present. He said I kept asking him way too many “what ifs” which is negatively impacting this relationship. I was also hurt when I would sometimes say that I do feel I am doing a lot more in this relation which is why sometimes I doubt if you love me as much as you say you do…he would lash out saying he is not asking me to do those things (which he wasn’t) and he would love me just as much if I didn’t do (which I highly doubt)….

I just don’t get it though…did I not have qualities that would have made him love me more to stand up, could I have done something better….I keep getting into this vicious cycle of thoughts ….and now really scared to date because I have never felt such pain. The heartbreak felt as if someone put their fist down my throat and squeezed my heart until I was empty. My body felt paralyzed. I could not eat or sleep. I called him twice after just crying with so much agony asking why he did this and why he didn’t stand up….he repeatedly said I am so ashamed, I don’t know how to face or talk to you I just don’t and kept crying too.

I felt terrible ….that is an understatement but not being able to reach out to the person that said he loved me was extremely excruciating. I can’t stop thinking about why this happened. I guess some experiences we have to go through to learn and as time passes I am trying to heal.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to write back to me. It means a lot to me.

He used to tell me his family was traditional in the sense of marrying into the same religion, not being very accepting of alcohol and that was about it. He said the rest was fine but was always worried that because he has never told them about any relationship that they might get stressed when they first find out but again he would never clearly tell me his concerns. There were SO many times he brushed off my questions by saying I will take care of it when the time comes don’t worry which again we had more arguments because I had this gut feeling that he was not telling me the whole truth……Also, when we first started dating I told him that even if his family does not drink alcohol but mine does….will that be a problem? He clearly said no and then as the relationship progressed he said that just try to make sure they do not drink in front of my parents. I was not happy about it but I let it go.

At the start of the arguments, I kept saying I was uncomfortable being kept a “secret” from his family. I used to say it is not the right thing to do as I come from a background where we share almost everything with our family. He used to tell me that since he as been out of the house since the age of 18, his parents don’t know how he fully is and there is no point telling them right now as they will jump to conclusions such as why don’t you get married right away or want to know everything about my family. I understood in the beginning as we had only newly started dating but as time progressed his responses did not make sense to me but I had friends from a similar background as his that reassured me not to worry since Indian families still residing in India do not have an open relationship in which they share these things with their parents.

When he finally got into his Master’s program then we started having arguments about doing long distances. I was always fine with it but I felt I had to convince him to try long-distance in the beginning (I had a bad feeling about this too as why am I trying to convince him), but he finally said he wants to because he loves me…….I said that I want to know when he will tell his family since we are starting to get more serious. At the time he told me then lets first try long-distance and then I will tell them after we get past the obstacle of adjusting to an LDR, I again gave him time because it was my first relationship and I thought these things are normal, I should be patient.

After doing LDR for two months in which I also visited him we then had a full-blown argument in which I said if you can’t tell your parents then I can’t continue this. He then said that he will tell them after his program finishes and that he plans to on his graduation day. He told me I could not come to his graduation day then which would be nine months from now as he would tell his family during those days. This made me extremely sad but I chose to let go.  Again, I always had family and friends reassure me that I should be patient but in my mind, I knew that these are not normal things in a relationship and that I should not be kept a secret. I remember when his parents called him in front of me he used to tell me to stay quiet so they cannot hear or just take the call outside…these things made me feel so bad as if I was doing something wrong.

During our whole relationship, the main problem was him not telling his family but as time passes I feel he always knew from the beginning how they would react and tried to string me along as long as possible. He told me he loved me like no other than how does it take one call from his parents for him to completely turn off this relationship. He has not sent me any text or phone call since…I have blocked him from many things but not Facebook and his email address in the hopes that he will write one day. The break up has been very recent but I have never been so shocked to see someone change colors this fast….or Anita, maybe he was like this from the beginning?