She didnt have any specific complains about me, maybe a bit regarding the house cleaning (cause i liked to help), but she would call me words while she was angry with other things, such as “retard, moron” and other stuff, which i almost never failed to say back to her lol. It was mostly intense arguing-fighting.Sometimes she would yell at me because of school or things that i accidentally broke in the house, maybe call me lazy too. I think there were other things too, but i can’t really recall right now. To be fair, she would call me nice words, expressing her love to me, hug me, kiss me aswell, it wasnt always fighting and negatives, a mix of everything really.

Hmm, what comes to mind is the responsibility to not disappoint, combined with the feeling of not being good enough and not wanting to “owe” anyone. Also that they wont have anything to “use against me” in the future.

A little bit weakness (like im not able to do it myself, so its devaluing me), a little bit mistrust (that they wont get it right) and a little bit like a burden (like im gonna owe them, or now they have “control” over me in a way, which i know is not true because i can refuse things, but yeah).

Hello anita!

They are calmer in the sense that i don’t feel the need to run or the feeling of suffocation like before, still lacking connection, only surface/funny things (i guess it’s because she’s also closed off right now).

I think i’ve never felt like i’m not deserving of love, just generally lacking the idea behind it.

Those are very interesting and detailed things you posted about IFS.They explain many things but at the same time its so hard to grasp it.
Have you ever done this therapy? I would like to try it out, i guess i gotta find some videos to guide me through it..wow so many parts could be hidden within us and we don’t even realize.

Hello again
Yes it’s very difficult indeed, i usually turn the other way if i dont like someone.

I think it does resonate but i never thought to give my mother’s words importance, perhaps this was a conscious reaction to a subconscious need/feeling.

How do you make it known to yourself? I’ve always valued myself according to my partner liking me, etc.

I genuinely have no clue what loving myself means to me. Maybe being selfish about my needs? I have always thought of that “loving yourself” phrase, but i can’t seem to grasp that at all. Perhaps its my current state that’s preventing me (feel like im heavily depressed) but i cant recall loving myself, ever.

Hello anita!
It really isn’t a good feeling, it’s like my identity is being challenged in a way.

I know but i really hate it without them, since they are such an important part of myself, now it feels hollow without them. I know pressure isn’t helping but my mind is racing every day..

Yeah that’s what i thought..but at times i get a glimpse of affection and warmth for a short while.

But can’t we “choose” to love someone? Isn’t that what’s supposed to be done in relationships? I’m such a rookie haha

What im thinking is that this might be a big depressive episode combined with anhedonia, that’s why i scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist for evaluation and hopefully some clarity.

I dont know tbh, i was expecting others to fill my void for years.

I think Thats why i hate responsibilities now, especially when it comes to feelings.

She did have tics yeah, both vocal and motor (i suppose motor means hands/body movements)

But was i depressed by such a young age? I think i was feeling happy back then.

This makes me feel even worse because it’s an accussation that i can’t throw for certain, so i don’t really know.

Hello again anita

Thank you for your kind words and observations (i hope so too haha), even though i feel like a really bad person and a fraud for causing her all this hurt and confusion at them moment, you might be right in your assumptions. I do care about protecting her, but right now my romantic feelings are “off” for anyone. I think what returned first is the lust, love might take a while. She texted me today after 2 days to check up on me, to which at first i felt “pressured” because i felt like i have to explain myself and i “have to” act a certain way with her (the way i taught her and built over the past) which right now i can’t keep up with. We texted lightly about casual things, surface level and she went to sleep. I can’t really tell if i have legitimately fallen out of love or i am still numb in that department. I hope it’s the latter because yesterday i was crying my eyes out for her and the thought of me hugging her felt really good, but just for a brief moment, then faded. I think i have a hard time trusting her right now and feeling safe, which i know sounds paradoxical since i was the one that messed it up.

You are very spot on with all the things that you said.This is indeed how i grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents (because if they weren’t fighting each other, they were calm which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me) I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity=feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships i’ve felt like i crave some light “drama” to feel “alive”.I’ve always believed that calm relationships=bad thing with no “spark” and i’ve always despised them and thought people were compromising.Tbh, our relationship has had it’s ups & downs up almost since the beginning,with me always trying to “fix” things and win her over, until the last 2.5 months were things were the most stable and loving they have ever been, no drama or fights, just pure affection/communication and reciprocation.Then came the conversation about moving during which i think i felt let down.Also a day before that, she sent me a note with a poem that she wrote herself, expressing her feelings and how i made her feel, which i loved but it kinda shook me afterwards because i thought to myself “wow, no way i can match that” (meaning the poem, since i am not good in that department), kinda felt that she was more invested in me than i was in her, which was new to me, i was used to always being the one chasing and investing more.I know its not a bad thing, but i can’t help but notice that thought/feeling i had at that specific moment.Maybe like the “responsibility” was growing (i know it sounds bad but i dont mean it in a negative way). Indeed that i feel “abandoned” or about to be left when my partner is quiet/less energetic or a bit distant.That sends heat all over my body and my stomach starts tightening up bad, resulting in me craving validation that things are safe and since i am in no way gonna express that directly, because i might seem insecure and push them away, all i can do is pull back hard until i get a reaction from the other person (which works like an involuntary reassurance from their side for me) and then i am open and loving again. Wow, it’s the first time i explain and recognize my patterns so openly and in detail. I sound almost manipulating.
I dont know if i equal calmness with danger, because consciously i dont, but i definitely crave intense feelings, infatuation and novelty. I feel like my life is meaningless without them and i am depressed (like now).I hope they are fixable because i am not someone that chases girls and relationships, i know it sounds paradoxical but i’m rarely interested in chasing women and i’m also not into casual and meaningless sex, i enjoy it fully only when there is a “bond” between me and the girl (i think that’s called demisexual?) and i am drawn more by intellectual connection rather than physical appearance.

About your second reply, i think i am drawn to fixing others. My whole life i remember myself helping everyone at any cost, without receiving anything in return, and when i did receive something, i felt bad.That changed in most aspects of my life, but stayed within romantic relationships. When she would open up to me about her trauma and fears, i would feel this intense longing and empathy for her, wanting to hold her close and calm her/make all her fears go away.

I think i didn’t care about fixing my mother, but i was the one she was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which i would only respond “just break up” because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11.
She was like that to me too, but since i am a male, i would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and i was able to overpower her.
My mother also had tourette syndrome, what a coincidence!I also dreamt of being loved and finding romance, since i was a pretty shy kid with no experience in girls until the age of 20.

I would commit illegal activities (thankfully never got caught back then) with shady people just because, even tho im nothing like them. Maybe i was searching for dopamine hits or a place to belong to.

Im sorry for my long reply, take as much time as u need to read them and reply whenever u can. Good night (it’s night here currently) and thank you for taking all this time and effort 🙂