It’s difficult yeah but idk if anxious attachment is my issue now, more like the OCD.

Why do u say that it’s not working? I believe i haven’t found the balance yet, i gotta focus more on myself yeah.

Hey anita

Sleep was ok, waking up feels bad most of the days tho 🙁

Today the doubts/thoughts came rushing back in. It’s funny cause 2 days ago i was “melting” while looking at her haha. Perhaps i need constant connection or the thoughts come back? I am gonna book an appointment with a new therapist specializing in OCD and CBT 🙂

Damn, its hard to relax when i’ve always been so demanding of myself. I guess i have to let confused-self chill but its hard to do that and re-focus on other things. Although being a rock for me meant being cold and composed, i gotta find another meaning for that.

U are giving me good answers anita, it shows that u’ve worked on those things 🙂

Im gonna cook me some pasta!

Yeah i guess it can never be the same between different people, i was just looking for possible similarities.

I did expect it to be perfect and exciting all the time (tbh i still do) and i didn’t know that u could get burnt out by something that u enjoy so much. I guess i have to learn to live with it..

Hey anita

I remember you saying that, but i’ve never actually experienced it myself. It felt like seeing another woman on her face for some moments, then it would snap back to normal and i would brush it off. I think sometimes the more i focus on someone’s face, the more things my mind projects on that face. Did your image for this person return to normal after a while?
Very interesting..

Hey anita

i think my memories are scattered and some are buried, but most of them are definitely devoid of feelings.

Something weird happened today.We video-called for 5 hours, laughed a lot, enjoyed it very much. I was admiring her beauty and remembered how damn pretty she is. At some point i felt like i would throw up because of the strong feeling of affection i think?? (it wasn’t negative) I felt cuteness aggression over a screen, dunno how that’s possible. I wanted to kiss her through the phone badly.

She told me how she felt 2 weeks ago, she was trying to give me energy through texts even tho she wasn’t feeling it and this created pressure within her and it triggered her avoidant side. I told her that’s exactly how i felt in november-december-january. I felt pressure to give her the previous energy (which i lacked because of burnout probably), while simultaneously fearing i’ll lose her and that would make me feel pressured and also trigger my avoidance. I told her how i took it a day at a time while feeling “gut instinct” pressure and it worked..She told me that’s exactly what she does when her avoidance is triggered by closeness.
All in all it was very nice, but i still feel like something is bothering me inside and i can’t seem to find out what it is. Perhaps it’s the lack of trust in myself and my feelings and how wary i’ve become now.

Yes it all seems like everything went by so fast, i cant recall much before adolescence.. Therapist said how i describe my violent and not so normal childhood like i am reading a newspaper is not normal..

It’s 06 am now here in greece and im going to sleep

I will try to smile tomorrow anita, goodnight 🙂

My romantic feelings for her is what i mean. When u were depressed, did u feel anything towards anyone? Did u ever go through anhedonia?