Hey anita

Therapist today told me that she keeps noticing this pattern on me: “The moment things get closer (intimacy) or the more the girl shows me she is available, the more i pull away. I told her that i feel my feelings are all shutdown and she said “well, makes sense because if they weren’t you would be drawn close to her”. Damn that feels like a curse..Is there any way of getting through that and getting my feelings for her back?

Thank you very much for your words Thomas, i appreciate it 🙂

I “feel” it in the cognitive sense, because i know i did before, i remember it, but now i can’t feel anything. But i admire/respect her and i do have many laughs with her, which is pretty much the only thing i can feel now, besides sorrow. Idk how you “feel” about someone that u value. As for the liking part, well, i find her pretty, smart and hot. It’s just that i can’t feel those things now.

Yes if our interaction isn’t heavy with feelings-focused talk and we have fun i enjoy it, or when it’s some explicit talk (aka sexting) yeah i get very engaged. But the next day i feel like i have no feelings again. I am very torn if it was infatuation or maybe i lost interest because we took too much time to meet? But if that’s the case, why do i cry in the thought of losing her forever?

Thats what i said yesterday and i felt better, but the emptiness and sorrow returned. Will take space and see how this turns out, i hope my feelings come back 🙁

Hey anita

Haha, i like your view on those things, i used to think like that some years ago 🙂

I think i might have figured out what made me so confused all this time. After a long talk with a female friend of mine, i realized that i never communicated boundaries and dislikes on my relationship, and maybe because i had this girl involved/related with all things in my life, that led me to burnout/shutdown in every department of my life. I’ve always been so afraid of hurting her feelings or losing her that i would never express my dislikes and disagreements and i would mostly translate them as “my own insecurities”.
The thing is, did i wake up feeling less attracted because i didnt communicate dislikes before or it was just a random feeling fluctuation that led to me spiraling and then i didn’t communicate some of that that so it made it all worse? I guess thats a question for the therapist.

Hello Roberta

I’ve heard about mindfulness before, but it feels so difficult to me because i’m used to act.

So i guess u’re saying to “cultivate” ourselves so other people (and ourselves) can enjoy us?

That is kinda hard for me, i have to practice it a lot. I tend to believe that whatever i am feeling right now (mostly when its negative) is gonna be there forever from now on, and my mind believes that “reality” so i get trapped. How do u judge the “unhelpful” though? And why does reverse order help? Also, can i do that on my phone or does it have to be on paper?
Thank you very much 🙂

I can’t understand what’s stopping me from thinking like that, its weird.

Yes have a nice walk, i might go too! 🙂

I hope so!

So when you choose to love, feelings will follow?

@anita

Yes its totally ok that u called me this i don’t mind 🙂

Yeah i still laugh with her personality and things i used to love about her, but that’s basically it, no other emotions can be felt.Two weeks ago i would think of kissing her/hugging her to sleep and feel warmth, but my mind cut those feelings off too.So basically look, when i think about our chat, there is in my mind this thought that i “have” to be loving/caring, affectionate. That was me during March-November (before the dissociation/burnout/depression or whatever happened), i would be so happy and excited to chat with her and now i can’t feel any of those feelings for anyone in the past 3 months, maybe for some minutes and then they go away. So then i feel bad and feel like a fraud, because i don’t wanna hurt her feelings by telling her i’m so numb to everything and consciously i know she’s a lovely person that shows me care and feelings every day, so that makes me even more full of guilt and want to get away and it’s killing me. She tells me how much she wants to sleep in my arms, and i know logically that those things make my heart melt (because they did before i became like this), but now i feel complete void, nothing, and that hurts me to my core because that was all i was ever dreaming with her, so now being unable to access it pains my heart deeply. An hour ago i was thinking of all the plans i was talking about with her, my excitement, the spark that i felt when i was thinking of her and our times together and i had a gutteral cry, i still tear up. 10 days ago i would feel my stomach drop and my arms shake in the thought of losing her forever but now even that is numbed out, it’s like i dont care even if my house catches on fire.
Today i saw in my dream that i was about to kiss another girl and i woke up immediately. Then i saw a dream of her texting me “i can’t do this anymore” and i felt really bad, it’s all sooo weird to me, never happened again.

Hey roberta

Maybe it was because of my lack of sleep, but if i understood correctly, u meant to let the thoughts flow and not act upon them?
Thank you very much 🙂