@anita

Ok lets take that as a fact, but how can we be so good with each other for like 10 months, and suddenly i go completely empty within a night? That shouldnt be normal. I was very excited and curious to meet her and get together, its not like i married her in my mind, so it doesnt make sense.
Yes we were about to establish it. Then what gotten over me? Fear of closeness?

Well u start somewhere, then things progress, but i didnt reject her after meeting her, it happened way before.. thats my point.

Oh yes she did that a lot, she complained to me about my father and my only reasonable answer was for them to break up..

Yes she hit me, i hit back/etc.

@Alessa

Hello

Relationships with other women were pretty toxic except one, my longest (which was 9 months but got bad in the last 1.5 months), all and all i was in 3 relationships, rest of them were 3-4 months and the girls were very aloof/toxic but that kept me hooked. Ive never gone beyond infatuation phase, to a stable love..

All of our online hours were perfect for, thats why i am so sad now. Looked like it was gonna be a nice relationship actually. She didnt act exactly the same because after what happened to me she got distant/avoidant triggered.

Yes, honesty is my #1 trait.

I know, but for some reason i still have hope inside..

Yes i think so too.

But when i thought of ending it i felt really bad..I feel like i will blow my chances of building something with a great person because of my current state/crisis. How can i tell for sure?

Ok i think i see what u mean, then yes its very likely that i do that. But yesterday something strange happened.

We talked and argued (again), mostly about things that we dont say to each other, and for the first time i didnt compromise and was my fully authentic self, no holding back, just spitting facts and my opinions/feelings, without fearing abandonment. After we were done, i felt euphoric, like a sense that everything clicked and i was ready for anything (probably dopamine)
I had a dream with my mother (not a bad one, just her in the dreams) and when i woke up i felt like shit, almost like the days before the shutdown, weird stomach feeling and the thought that “i dont want this girl”.

I thought about that yesterday and it kinda resonated..But i cant comprehend how i am correlating my mother with her.. feels weird.

I cant feel like i can express anything through art, never been able to.

Yes thats kinda how i feel actually..

Hey anita

Yeah must have been difficult, like being a prisoner.

I have no inspiration for poems or art, never had, always been bad at those sadly.

I think my problem is solely based on this obsession i have over not feeling anything, so its very hard to reach feelings..

Its gonna be my own self that breaks me sadly

That seems logical but still doesn’t make any sense in my mind (probably because i havent touched it yet and i find myself very self-sufficient)

Yes we do, im guilty of that in my life.

Alright, enjoy your offline time, thank you very much anita, goodnight 🙂 (hopefully way less soon)

Yes LDR is definitely a challenge. From what im reading though, i might also have ADHD (which i suspected years prior but never bothered to check) so it explains the burnout and the emotional numbness.

No its not disinterest, i just cant find the roots alone. I started today with a new therapist which specializes in IFS and i hope she can help me.

How long did it take you to see improvement, anita?