Hello anita

She also mentioned that in the beginning when i first got the shutdown (and the last time we spoke) that it could limerence and i want the feeling more than her, and i told her that i dont care, i still like her for her qualities and i love her insecurities. Its just now that i feel depressed and have no feelings for anyone around me, its very hard.

How do u break the dopamine cycle tho? But what gave me this? Or my shutdown could have ended my limerence? I really have no clue.

Im gonna do this here yes, here it goes:

Fantasy
I didnt rly have any “hopes”, i just wanted us to take it slow and meet each other, spend time with each other, nothing heavy.I had no “unreal vision” of us, just normal stuff, maybe going on vacation somewhere together, her visiting me, ride the motorcycle and go on a trip, show her around. I still want those things, but i can’t feel the joy right now.

Reality
She is kind, giving and listens to me. She hasnt made too much effort (mostly it was done by me) and she can take things personally very quick and shutdown. She is very shy and scared to do anything without knowing the “result” beforehand, like a contract (reassurance).

On the other hand, she is very affectionate, loving, modest, shy (i like it), faithful, has a moral compass like mine, communicative (most of the times), she is very feminine, sets boundaries, trustworthy, respectful, witty, good sense of humor, passionate and i admire her a lot for what she’s accomplished in her life and has goals. I also like what she labels as “insecurities” on her, i find them cute.

Although i can’t feel anything right now, i know she has those qualities because i was thinking that before i froze, when i was still infatuated, i was questioning myself on “why do i like her so much”.

But it wasnt the first time she was emotionally available and sweet. I think it has to do with the dorsal vagal nerve shutdown because it affects me on every department of my life.

Yes indeed, i served there.

<cite> @Alessa said:</cite>
Hi Confused

Thanks so much! 😊 🩵

That’s understandable to not be up to much during the holidays. It’s important to take care of yourself when you are feeling rough. 🩵

It’s good that you let yourself grieve. It’s still not easy though. I can see the weight of what you’ve been through in the numbness. 🩵

Family is supposed to be this tremendous pillar of support and strength for people. Being without that is hard. 🩵

It’s good to hear that you have some friends. Are you close with them? 🩵

I don’t have a family. I think that put a lot of pressure on romantic relationships. It’s putting a whole onto one person to be your everything. Other relationships are important too and also your biggest cheerleader has to be yourself.

When I was a kid, I experienced emotional numbing. It helped me to cope with my trauma. A therapist taught me to connect deeply with my feelings and overcome the numbness. I still have habits of it today particularly with stress. Oh gosh, I had just under 10 years of therapy.

A good therapist will treat you with care and show you what a truly healthy relationship is like. 🩵

I don’t think you messed things up. Long distance relationships often fail. Very rarely do they succeed to the point of someone settling in the others country. It is inherently stressful by its nature. It’s a lot of blind hope.

Things will unfold the way they are supposed to and it is neither of your faults. 🩵

Perhaps you haven’t cut her off? But are just noticing the nature of long distance for the first time? I think if you had cut her off you wouldn’t care so much or be in as much pain over it. 🩵

You are definitely not a bad person. Please don’t talk about yourself that way! 🩵

Tbh, i’ve felt that only in some occasions (the family-pillar support).

Yeah we are close but i started worrying i burden them..

I do that too. When i like a girl, she becomes my world, but not in a bad way. I dont stop enjoying my hobbies and stuff, i just feel life more colorful and its amazing, gives me an extra purpose.

I cant remember much of my coping mechanisms when i was a kid, definitely avoiding would be one of them.I hope the new therapist does that to me too.
I think i know what a healthy relationship is like, i just might need to work on my boundaries a bit.

I know but i kinda vowed to myself to make this one work, i had such plans 🙁 I wasnt put off by the thought of moving to her country,ive been there again plenty of times, i think it was how she phrased things that put me off in a way, also it was too soon.

What do u mean the nature of long distance? No we havent cut each other off, i dont want that i just want our connection back, but it feels like something is blocking it hard and i cant figure it out. I would be in pain of regrets for sure 🙁

Thank you for your words anita, they are comforting 🙂

I appreciate what you’re saying, but i still blame myself for all this..it could have gone so much better if i only knew how to handle things and not just confess everything to her the day it happened.

I guess in time i will make peace with myself but its gonna take a long while.

[quote quote=453831]Hi Confused

Happy new year! 🥳 Did you get up to much over the holidays? 🩵

I was wondering how much time you spend with friends or family socialising in person?

Did you say that your mom died 15 years ago? So you would be very young for that to happen. It’s a massive trauma. I know another guy who lost his mom when he was a kid and he suffers from depression too. It seems to really leave a mark on people.

Another person lost their brother and father and it was very hard for them too. Particularly because of the way it happened.

Hmm well for a long distance relationship, in my experience when you meet in person it is nice. But the distance part is hard. I found it especially sad after a trip ends.

All you can really do is try to connect with each other regularly online. But if you meet the right person it can be worth it.

I think considering everything you’ve been through in life the way you feel is understandable. You have been through a lot, lot more than most for your age.

Trying to outrun how you feel… well it wouldn’t really make sense or be human for you to not have difficulties. Feeling the difficulties, talking about them. Letting them be without trying to escape them. Whilst it is painful, leads to healing. If you didn’t like the therapist it might be worth trying a different one? They vary a lot in quality.

You really do have a lot of trauma to process. 🩵

I suffered a lot when I was young too. It is not easy going through all of the pain but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🩵[/quote]
Happy new year Alessa!
I didnt do much, stayed at home mostly, no energy or mood to go anywhere.
I go out with 2-3 friends mostly but my mind is constantly on this issue.

She died when i was 21, but i’ve grieved her (i think) and i didnt feel much of a connection to her, could be because i was emotionally numb towards my family before that.
I could be having chronic depression and now it’s amplified, i dont really know.

It is indeed sad, but the issue here is not the distance, its my damn mind and nervous system that decided to pull the plug on this wonderful girl.

I know she is worth it but right now we are both keeping distance because our convos lacked depth and connection (partly her fault too)

I dont really give myself credit for anything, i tend to rationalize everything and say “thats life” but i cant do that now that i messed something great without even wanting to..

I am going to another therapist in wednesday, then to a psychiatrist by the end of the month and will see where this leads..
Thats what scares me, sometimes i believe its all in our minds but i dont know..

I am sorry for that, how long did it take you to get better?

I know i am not responsible for her feelings but i feel like i stringed her alone and then shut her down.
And on top of that i miss what i was feeling with her, wanted to care for her and be there for her with all my love.
I really miss this, i miss what we had and i cant feel it right now, so its killing me.

That’s all nice info anita, thank you again for your time!

Thing is, ive already had big convos during dissociation, also took the trip to visit her whilst numb, she felt good though.
I have indeed all the numbness feelings, but my mind can’t stop ruminating about her, its like it wants desperately to push her out in order to feel better. My fear with this relationship was losing her, so i guess that works like reverse, my mind manifests that fear.

There are moments when i feel fine and like i want her again, but then i remember that i made her distant too and i get numb all over again.
So, low contact will help me? That feels fake/forced to both me and her, but ill give it a shot. If she has decided on what she wants to do, because she said she needed time too.