The easy part is reading and understanding all those things we’re “supposed” to be doing. The hardest thing is putting it into actual practice. But I think practice is the key word. A person doesn’t become proficient at playing a musical instrument or become a sports star or anything else without practice and repetition. Why should taking care of these non-tangible things be any different?

One of the big things don Miguel Ruiz talks about in The Four Agreements is the simplist concept, but the hardest to achieve (in my mind). That is his fourth agreement– do you best. How hard is it to accept that what you do right now at this moment is the best you can do right now? Some days your best will be pretty darn good and you will thrive. Some days you will struggle. The idea is to understand that the days you struggle are the same as the days you thrive. In both cases, you do your best.

So today, try and claim that ownership of your life that you’re looking for. Maybe you’ll do a good job of it today. Or maybe you won’t. Just do your best. Good luck.

What is there to stop you from taking the data job and continue looking in the engineering field?

I will say that I work for a major corporation, and of the people I am close to at work not a one of us is in the field we went to college for. I’m a history major, one is a political science major, one went to school for chemical engineering, and one was a speech major. Even if you don’t “use” your degree, it isn’t a waste of time. College isn’t just about the degree, but about experiences and a lot of other stuff. My history degree taught me how to dig and do research– something I use every day in my job.

Do what is going to make you happy. I’ve worked too many yers in a job I disliked because I “had to” financially. The result is a lot of years where I lost out in pursuing passions and taking chances in my life. You’ll be working for the next 40 years, so make it something you like, not something you feel you have to do.

My therapist said something to me that may help a little. Who says you HAVE to stop caring or thinking about him? You were together a long time and it’s natural that your thoughts will be dominated by him. I think we do ourselves a disservice when we try to forget something that hurt us. It’s not about if you stop caring or if you do or do not move forward on any given day. You are not stupid for caring. Grieve the loss. The relationship deserves to be grieved.

But I promise you– there will be a day when the hurt will be less. There will come a time where he no longer dominates your thoughts. I have no intention of ever “getting over” my wife. We spent over 18 years together and I don’t want to get over that. But I will learn from it and move on from it when the timing is right. Until then, I’ll grieve in my own way and at my own pace, and not feel stupid for caring.

My question is- why do you let him control whether you move on or not? Look back at everything you wrote above and tell me what in that entire thing makes it your fault that HE cheated on you several times, HE treated you like dirt, HE ran away, and HE only comes back when he needs an ego boost. HE holds the resentment, HE holds the grudge. And he called you sick? Would someone who truly loved you pull all that stuff? Sounds to me like he’s a manipulator and is the one who needs to look in the mirror here.

The time has come for you to take control back because even though you are not with him, he still knows that he can keep stringing you along. You don’t need his forgiveness or permission to move forward with your life. Try this- write him another letter. Spill everything out- your anger, your hurt, how you feel about the lousy way he treated you. DO NOT SEND IT. Wait 24 hours and read it again. Grieve the loss and the pain. Then burn the letter. Burn away the anger and loss and his control over you. I promise you will feel better.

I’m the first one to admit I struggled with many of the things you do. I felt the breakup of my marriage was all on me, that I did everything wrong. It took me a long time to see that I can only control my own side of things. I’m working on those things I need to work on. Those things that she tried to put on my head are just her point of view. That doesn’t make them true. Once I accepted that, then I started to find my way forward again with my life.

Good luck to you.

If I didn’t know better, I would think I was reading about my life. My wife of 19 years decided she no longer loved me and left the marriage, but she continues to drag things out and won’t make a decision. She hints that she wants to work on things and like a fool I fall for it each time- only to have her drag it out and say she just can’t do it. we have three kids and I understand that loss of stability in your life.

I don’t have a lot of good advice since I continue to struggle in my own life. But if it is any comfort, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It takes two people to make a marriage work and when one partner procrastinates, and continuously dances around making any real move. Keep your focus on your children. Make sure through all of this that they know they are loved. I can’t tell you about finding your place to live for today or any of that stuff because I continue to search for that myself. How do you live in the moment when the partner you’ve had for 20 years leaves your life?

I wish you the best and I hope you find some of the answers you’re looking for. This site has been great in helping me to search for a new path. But in the end, you have to find what is going to work best for you and take your own road.

Sorry, it’s not really advice. But it helped me a lot early on to know I wasn’t the only person going through a devastating loss like this. Good luck.

Perhaps meeting will help you to vlear the air, but don’te surprised if it creates more hurt. What are your expectations of the meeting? Get back together? Get closure? Something else? What you expect will go a long way toward what you will feel.

As for being ready to date again- In my opinion, no, you are not ready. Look at all the red flags you threw out there. “My heart sank, I felt sick, I was literally shaking.” And “I still want him back and want to try and make it owrk. I am stuck back in that hole of thinking he is the only one I want and I don’t want to look anymore.” If you try to date again while you are in this condition, one of a couple things will likely happen. You will have a rebound type fling that will make you feel even worse, or you will constantly compare whoever you date to the old BF. Regardless, dating right now is a disservice to you and to whoever tries to date you. They deserve someone willing to put themselves into working on a new relationship or they will feel like they have been used.

Let yourself heal first. Worry about you.