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  • October 31, 2021 at 2:33 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #388029
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    This sisters lives in Europe,she came before 4 months for her masters .. so now she is coming to visit me as she has a week vacation..

    October 31, 2021 at 2:02 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #388024
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Teak ,

    how are you doing ? How is weather and covid there!?

    thank you for your response .i wanted to write more next day but the schedule was very busy .i was in Netherlands for past 3 days with a friend of mine ,and was helping her with her baby there, as she is going through  hard time .

    now i m on my way toward airport to pick my sister as she is coming to visit me in Germany ..

    things are going good with my bf .. he is an introvert who doesn’t Talk too much or  does sweet talks but i feel comfortable and loved 🥰..feel supported … we are preparing the paper work for registration of marriage..

     

     

     

    d

    October 26, 2021 at 12:29 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #387832
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Teak ,

    how are you guys?

    i am fine and i reached Germany safely.before a week Ago i read your post and wrote a big post and somehow it disappeared without being posted 🙁

    i thought to write all again later but was busy with job , studies and few new things 🙂

     

    i have alot to say .i dont know where to begin .
    well first of all i am doing good , i m concentrating on my studies and more motived to do better in career and get a good job soon ..

    me and (he) decided to do marriage here( with or without family) its not bothering me much now ..

    After coming from my country, i felt different this time , i met my eldest sister after a long time ,i always wanted to be close to her and i always wishes that she should be proud of me because i craved that attention (because i never got that , my emotions were neglected in childhood,which i come to know now by our conversation in This thread..

    this time even though i m now adult ,independent ,i was somehow ignored by her  .  ,she was critically judging me and putting me down bcz i did make up and she was telling me till 2 days i was looking so awful in that way .which was hurting btw and some other times and much more but this time something has changed in me ..this inner child of me doesn’t want any emotional validation from her but somehow i become disconnected from her ,as if ( may be ) i shouldnt be allowing her or anyone to emotionally destroy me anymore ..i don’t need validation from anyone and not from people ,who hurts me without realizing the impact of those abuse and criticism on my mental health,physical or  well being .. i just cant get away with this hurtful thought .. but it brought something good in me .

     

    I ll write more later may be tomorrow:)

    October 9, 2021 at 1:27 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #387237
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Teak,

    i m flying tomorrow to Germany ..i just checked the forum and found recents threads ..

    i stopped taking that medications( without consulting with doctor) , just because i wasnt able to handle the side effects during this busy schedule here and alot of responsibility along with online classes ) ..and i dint showed any symptoms of Anxiety infront of doctor but maybe he recognised me as i was very reserved ?? I have no idea ..

    The fear of being a disappointment to your family is very strong in you… It’s the little girl in you, who needs your family’s approval.

    thats true .. i seek validation And when i dont get it sometimes i start to doubt my decision , i m scarEd of disappointing other ,which i m aware that is not  good thing at all ..

    @ teak :

    Let me know if seeing things like that helps you at all… or your anxiety is still very strong?

    i dint really get your question here .. seeing which kind of things ??

    peace

     

     

    October 6, 2021 at 12:51 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #387122
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    thank you for your post ..today i just want to share whatever happening in my life right now ,so that i feel better ..

    i would do that .. i do think it will be best thing to do ….
    i have 2 siblings till yet , who are supporting me and the one who is against it … hopefully things get better… lets see

    i hope you are doing fine .

    i am not doing well  i was having sore throat and feeling low and went to a good specialist .. and he asked me if i have Anxiety out of nowwhere ?? Nd he suggested me anxiety tablets  (escitalopram) which are exactly the same formula which my doctors in Germany has suggested me before two years and   one month before .. ( citalopram )

    however i started it once again ..feeling nausea nd more anxiety .. nd sick feeling ..

    i was having social anxiety and dont like communicating with people alot .. i do ignore texts and dont want to pick people’s / friends call because it gives me uncomfortable feeling ..I used to be very social but now i dont want to …

    Peace

    October 3, 2021 at 10:16 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #386986
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    While you were writing me back and submitting your last thread i was discussing about same topic with my sister ..

    in afternoon it was like a advise but now it feels like smthing else .

    She was making alot of excuses to not to accept him .. by saying people will torture my family ..u will be in Europe but people will criticise us here .. and that our uncle wont accept this proposal .. people will make our life hell .. mom will be very disturbed etc ..

    and she continued that i should wait and check him more like 2 years etc .. i told her i m sorry but i dont have energy to wait 2 years more ..

    The only issue is caste according to her .. that my children will have curly hair ( actually i do have curly hair too ,i told her ) and it doesnt matter ..

    yah its all about racism ,prejudice unfortunately ..

    i understand her situation and whatever she is saying is reality but this should stop 🛑 now ..

     

     

    should i go to Europe and marry there if the family wont like him ? Because my Guy asked me that if you think u dont want to include family then we would do that now and with time we will tell them ..

    what should be the best thing to do ?

    October 3, 2021 at 8:13 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #386972
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear anita ,

    thank you for your post .. i felt good knowing you were thinking about me . I was just checking tinybuddha and saw your thread..

    regarding this Guy   .. actually i came in my hometown for vacation before two weeks .me and he decided to let our meet first ( so we planned it by bringing some of his goods as excuse to give his mom )  . So his mom came in our house yesterday .. she met me and my family ( her mom doesn’t know anything about our relationship  yet as i wanted the first meeting to be general meeting ,not as proposal ).it was nice meeting them (his family).

     

    before this visit my sisters wanted to know them too .. my elder sis liked them as a person ( who doesn’t know about our relationship) and the sister who knew about us , was very friendly with them on meeting, was enjoying talking and telling stories i thought she likes them ..

    so today she again asked me “Are you sure you want to marry him ? and she again said

    “Life is yours but I advise u ,not to  marry him “ when i asked why she replied  : “ humari nasal karab hojaegii “ translation “ our family will be mixed and family name will be ruined “ because his mom also looked like mixed african …she further said :

    “ people will laugh at us and talk bad about us that “ see which kind of person she married to “ and also that we ( my family )  always talked about  other family about this caste thing and now we are marrying them its disgrace etc . I then asked her “ why did you talk or critized about other people caste “ why did you guys discriminate and who told you to do ???”
    she had no answer and then she said bcz we dint know one day we will be marrying this caste ..

     

    it was very disappointing , heart breaking argument with my sis today .because she wants to me to find some one else and advised me to not marrying him just because of caste ..ignoring his all other good qualities ,about his character , responsible and how he treats and listens to me / care about me ..

     

    September 9, 2021 at 5:36 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #386034
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear TeaK:

    How are you ?

    i read your last  post

    Perhaps this helps you decide

    yes it helped me understand the whole situation but i was still overthinking about all the situation.

     

    “So you might be seen as a rebel, “ungrateful” daughter (at least in the beginning, till they get used to it)? How much does it disturb you?”

    i hate to admit it but i always craved that love and attention from my family from Childhood ..i wanted to be a Good Sister and good Daughter so that i could be “Seen” , “heard” and paid attention to .i was very hungry for Love and being accepted .so i hope i could make my point why it effects me …

    Although I have matured enough, to realize by my own experiences that such superficial thing doesn’t matter, but still. yes, there is a part of me who wants to be a good Sister/ Daughter.

    I saw small changes on behalf of my sister about my Guy .she wanted to know his family, and it appeared to me a positive sign …i hope things get better without me going against them and being called a rebel.

    Peace

     

    September 9, 2021 at 5:05 pm in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #386032
    Peace
    Participant

    hello Anita,

    I was just thinking about you ..

    just wanted to ask:  how are you and how u doing ?

    Peace

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Peace.
    July 25, 2021 at 11:33 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383429
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    “Thank you for your kind words of appreciation.I hope that you continue to rest and that your thoughts get clearer and clearer, and your feelings- freer and freer from fears and worries.

    you are welcome 🙂 yah i am doing that and its helping me ..i m trying not to be obsessed much and take things lightly sometime ..

    Peace 🙂

     

     

     

    July 25, 2021 at 11:28 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383427
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    “just returned from holidays and feeling fine 🙂 ”   i hope you enjoyed your holidays ..

     

    “Do you think they might prevent you from finishing your education (e.g. stop financing it) if you get married without their approval?”

     

    No.they wont be able to stop me financially as i work part time  and manage my expenses myself . so i dont need to ask them .i dont Ask money from my family ,also because  i dont have good financial background there .

     

    “What’s the worst that can happen if they don’t approve?”

     

    the worst that can happen is that they can get  angry ,upset  and very disappointed ..As they would think i ruined the family name etc  because they scared “what will people say”?

     

     

    Peace

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Peace.
    July 23, 2021 at 10:00 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383312
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i am glad that you were doing fine ..hope you are still doing fine in that hot temperature there.

    i took some good mental rest 🙂

    Thank you so much for that long Post .it really helped me .it helped me to understand my situation and confusions better .i read it more than 5-6 times and each time i tried to digest every single thing that you wrote on that thread for me …thank yoou for time and efforts ..it makes a lot of difference ..

    i am still taking some rest and it has almost improved ..my negative thoughts are gone ..the feeling of emptiness just improved .. that was your post , which helped me to see  my current situation differently.

     

    As you wrote :”By the time phase 6 came about,  you forgot that there is a man present in your life who listens to you, cares for you, respects you and wants to marry you. It is as if he disappeared, and other people from your past replaced him, people who did not (and do not) listen to you, care for you, etc”

     

    thats true ..i forgot ..even while sharing this with him, i dint even mention to him that how i appreciate him , for him being there for me as a person and i ignored him ..i really regret it later… and felt very much bad ..he dint say anything he just listen to me carefully whatever i was saying him ..now when i remember this moment i feel respect for him about this …

    Dear @TeaK  thank you for your Post ..and how are you ?

    i hope you are doing good.

     

    “do you want to marry so soon (by the end of the year), or you were thinking to graduate from the university first?”

    i think for me .YES i would go for it if i love the person and if the relationship feels right to me..the  only thing which disturb me is that  my family that  they are going have issues with him (about which me and Anita also talked about in previous Threads)..and i don’t want that someone rejects my choice based on caste or looks .these caste and beauty standards makes me upset and what i know is ,if i talk to them about him ,they might bring my study in between this proposal ,not because they want me to graduate before getting marry but because they won’t think this Guy is (caste – wise)  compatible for me and they  will ask me to complete my education  because they have invested for my studies or the ( what will people say) etc  …if it wasn’t him and it was any other guy of my caste , most probably  they will not stop me during my studies to get marry  him ..so for me it is a stressful situation

     

     

    Peace

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Peace.
    July 21, 2021 at 5:21 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383161
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    Thank you for your Time  and POST …i hope you are doing well..

    i read the most recent post and was also following some of other post from other members ..

    i still dint talk to my sister about him..

    “Peace, you brought his words to your thread for me and others to read, thank you.” i was very glad to read that u r welcome ..

    while we were discussing here about the topic of marriage and how to convince my family  . he asked me about marriage and that he wish to marry me soon even before end of this year if possible .. i told him give me some time to think (as i have already exams next month )..

    my heart raced that moment i felt anxious  .after some hours i started to think about the future and marriage and was happy about it ..the next 3 days i was thinking all day different ways to convince my family ..literally all the time even if i woke up middle of night it was on my mind …i felt tired and exhausted and had  headaches…now from last few days i m emotionally numb ..i m not feeling anything and feeling like depressed and such thoughts are coming:

    nobody loves me or want me .

    i have no friends.

    my family doesnt care for me .

    my mom doesnt talk to me that i m so alone in this world ..

    i have no one .

    do i really like him( new Guy)?

    do i really want to marry him ?

     

    i started to question my  feelings for him ..yesterday we went out and i was just questioning all the things in my brain because i wasnt present and was feeling empty …and i m so feeling bad that why i m feeling such way when he is a great guy …he is the person with whom i m having a healthy relationship who listens to me ,care for me , doesnt react when something doesnt goes according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary..

    yesterday i sat with him and told him that i m getting some depressing thoughts which i mentioned here above   apart from empty feelings for him because i dint want to make him feel sad ….we hugged each other but i wasnt feeling anything .no emotions …i just wanted to come home ASAP ..

    Today is Eid ( a religious festival )..we meet and talk to family members  ,friends and everyone as i am far from all all i dont have any energy to talk to anyone …nor do i want to go and meet my family after exams even though the tickets are already booked .

    i am flat,empty ,numb all inside ..i feel like i m going toward depression .or may be something triggered me …

    i wasnt sure who could understand me and help me in this phase ..i hope i get some understanding and Help here ..

    Thank you …

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Peace.
    July 12, 2021 at 9:11 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382790
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ;

    how are you ?

    thank you for your recent Post .it took me longer to write you back because of exams and job.

    as you wrote:

    “When considering a man to marry, it is not people/ strangers who will be living with him, it will be you who will be living with him day in and day out, every night for years to come.”

    thats soo true and thats  exactly what i told her when i first talked to her..and a  caste doesnt show that he is a nice  and compatible and vice versa .

    when i started to convince her by saying there is nothing upper or lower caste  by referencing those verses of Quran :

    “O mankind! We…made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other).” (The Qur’an 49:13)

    and . “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black, nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.” (The last Sermon of Prophet Muhammad SAW)..

    after my convincing  she wasnt objecting much but she discouraged me to date him by saying you still have  time to find somebody else and better ….”you are still not a burden to us to let you marry him” … i felt as if he isnt  a human being , if  his grand parents were from other race (mixed -African) …why is it so ? why are we so discriminated against people ,who are from other race/ culture?

    in my last LDR bf she dint even objected ..he was of my caste but couldn’t speak the language ..so i used to talk to him in other language other than my mother tongue ..he was student ,wasn’t independent and was  irresponsible, young and imature   but she liked him,she even agreed to talk to her  because he was handsome ,and from “Our Caste” …

    its soo strange ..actually i m not talking about my sis alone ..i m refering to a Society ,where having some good character doesnt really matter .one need to be handsome ,from same caste and have some money…nothing else matter …its very sad unfortunetly…

    now the thing is ..i m very uncomfortable / scared to even talk to my family about him because it makes me feel really upset by hearing all those caste issues and hearing that “Dint you find anybody else??  ”  ..blah blah blaa…

    i dont want to tell him that about the mentalitity of my family or these so called “Uppar caste” people because in any case i dont want to make him feel uncomfortable and discriminated … what will be the best way to go for a marriage in that case with least Drama..??as they are educated but still practice such old values ..

     

    PS:

    i thought i came in Europe i m atleast independent and can choose my partner wisely and my family are open minded but i feel they are not … i dont blame them for that because they still live in that society where (as you said) the values are very different ..

     

     

    July 9, 2021 at 10:01 am in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382685
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita  and Teak,

    thank you for your POSTs .

    “I didn’t count correctly (talking about “timing .. patterns”, from the title of your thread, lol): you are not 10 hours ahead of me, you are 9 hours ahead.”

    hahahha yes i too recounted ..it was less than 10 hours hahha.

    “It seems like you are still in a long-distance relationship with the same guy you shared about back in April”

    No i broke up with my LDR  in mid March during my exams as it was stressing me out and upset …and faced some emotional guilt tripping as he was blaming me for ruining his life …

    and than i took some time to process all those things because i was disturbed and  seriously emotionally numb for some weeks ..i wasnt ready to enter into anything new .than in April i decided to talk to this new guy as he was away for vacation  and started seeing him in May as he came back ..

    yes it feels right and he is very respectfull and not rushy at all …i dont second guess his words and actions which i used to do in previous relationship and i m not anxious this time ..he rarely say something romantic but when he says, i want to trust him because i feel he really meant that ..

    Regarding marriage i m little concerned now ..i think in my life there is always one or another problem regarding relationships haahha..after all those messy relationships i m also tired of dramas and very selective and judmental when it comes to relationship …i felt about this guy that may be he is right one for me ..i shared to my sis about him casually ,but she objected ..according to her this new guy’s grandfathers were outsiders (from other race ) before 200 years or more …even though he speaks our language , same culture ,same city  ,same religion, everything is same ..but when it comes to marriage they are not acceptable are not  really from our caste according to her ..and she passed a racist comment which hurted me …i told her i dont care about class or these sub classes neither should you …but her concern are “what people will say ?” because this society thinks these people are inferior even in 2021 … i dont care about this society because i have seen the double standard  and Fakness of this society already ..she advised me to not talk to him and find someone else because you have still time to find someone better  ..  i was so disappointed ..

    and to be honest i have seen these so called superior class of my caste here where i m locating   and these people have no ambition in life and mostly are refugees .they are doing nothing but taking social help every month because most of them dont even want to work because they think so highly of themselves and those so called people wants nothing but sex  or  harrassed or made my life miserable …

     

    this new Guy was a student here ,he came here completed his studies ..doing his job living a decent life ..he is respectful , wants something real  like marriage..helpful and cares for me , responsible we enjoy each others company and much more …

    its very strange that these all thing doesnt matter in our country just the caste matter …actually sub caste and caste of grandfathers  also matters …i told my sister on call that “we are racist ” because she was willing to go for my brother proposal outside of our caste ,when i asked her ” why are you going there ? they are not from our caste people  ” so she replied ” but they are beautiful they have colourful eyes etc… ”

    its strange …i know as i talk about marriage, there will be a huge drama there in my family everyone will have this objection  … but to be honest my family wont care in long run, they wont  ..only out of 9 sister only 1  (this)sister call me once or twice in a week other calls me or text me after months ..They all are busy in their own life .yes  my brother calls me mostly because i want to talk to my mother but she doesnt call me too  🙁 ..i even question myself , if they really care how am i doing here alone ….but i m sure they all wont be happy with this guy ..

    i m anxious about future and should i really be thinking about this caste issue ? i dont think it should matter ..

     

     

     

     

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