Hello

@Dannydan, I’m not ignoring you, but I’m not sure if my input is welcome, as I asked, and you haven’t answered, so I will reply to your post only if you are okay with that. (I’m very glad for your reunion with B.)

@Sammy I’m glad that the message in a bottle was a nice idea and that you had a nice weekend with your boyfriend.

I was supposed to have a meeting with my chatting friend, but he suddenly started being weird, making excuses (rain, work) why we can’t come tomorrow, hasn’t contacted me on time and actually said he was confused and thought we didn’t have a deal. I read the messages again so I don’t think it was confusing.

He was actually weird even the day before, and I didn’t pressure him to meet, I said we can but don’t have to, that I would just like to know whether to plan him or not. And then he said he does want to.

So.. I don’t know what happened, he was really interested at first, more than me, I was kind of worried because of hour distance (had a boyfriend before in the same town and it didn’t turn out good). I was being sincere and told him that, he encouraged me and said that shouldn ‘t be a problem, and now suddenly he’s weird. Oh, I guessed that’s what happens on online dating. I was bummed and sad at first, then had a talk and evening with my friends (one of them also had a problem with tinder date), had a really good night sleep so I’m better now. I don’t want to pressure something that’s not going smoothly. At least the chatting that was going too long and frustrating recently will stop now, so  I kind of have a “clean slate”.

Also.. I’m kind of proud of myself for stating and having my boundaries.

@Dannydan, no worries. I did not mean to criticize her, not at all. I was just trying to guess how she feels, based on the last time she hasn’t replied immediately.

But I’ve been once put on pedestal in one friendship, and then when I did one thing wrong it backfired a lot, because other person thought I was perfect. And that felt really hard on me. So doing that sometimes makes things worse for the other person. Such high expectations are really high to achieve sometimes.

So I just wanted to let you know that I think she may be feeling scared and insecure, so that you could show her how much you care for her, as I see you do. Wish you all the luck. Sammy said everything I think too. And I understand how she feels, because you haven’t still been able to communicate to each other what happened that day, so her feelings (if Sammy and me are right) are understandable.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Rhaenys.

I agree with Jay…

I’m confused too. You showed you care, you send her a message. It’s understandable that your place is a mess, as you were worried and in anxiety..  And I agree you should talk before you have sex.

Now she is the one who seems to act more immature and doesn’t communicate. She asks for space, but comes to your place, then runs away and asks for space again. I don’t think you did nothing wrong today.

What seems to me, it’s that she may feel insecure. Maybe this situation has reminded her of her insecurities about how your relationship ended the first time. And she may be scared it could happen again. You describe her as if she is perfect, but as I said to you earlier, I agree she may be a wonderful girl, but no one is perfect. So she may have her insecurities too. It seems to me she cares about you but she is scared.
I also remember, she did not reply immediately when you first contacted her and asked her to meet, months after the break up.

@Dannydan, what do you mean by “going around”.

It seems to me, if she switched her phone she really wants space, and if by “going around” means going to her place, I’m not sure if that’s wise.

Hello @Dannydan
I think you can send message today. I wish you good luck, and let us know what happens.

Hello @Dannydan

I asked if you managed to communicate after what happened, since when you wrote that post about all that happened, it seemed to me you did not have a chance to do that and it seems I was right. And now she asked for space..

I had that feeling you have now, many times before. When something in realtionship goes bad, and it’s your fault, and you know that.. The anxiety it’s really hard, the uncertainty. I know today you feel that, and the day is going slow probably, and you can’t stop thinking.
This is a page about  mindfulness, but it’s hard to do that in your situation. I would be the same.  But it will probably resolve after few days. I can just send you good wishes to hang on until that.

(Sorry guys, sometimes it’s hard for me to find words, as English is not my mother language).

@Sammy1 asked yesterday what is happening with me and @Jay2023  but I wanted to talk about your issue first.

I mentioned I’ve been chatting with a guy and these days we are talking about meeting. I’m panicking a bit, actually. I’m a bit afraid. It’s weird, chatting with someone for 3 months, and you think he is nice and interesting guy, and now you don’t know how will you feel in person.

Also… I had a problem that i was a bit cold in the beginning, and he was being really nice and kind in replying and I was not always. I had this fear, because he doesn’t live close, because I was unsure if I can have this kind of distance relationsip (it’s not too far, about 1 hour distance). I actually told him that and he reassured me. We are both aware we are just chatting and we don’t have a clue whether we can be even friends or now, because meeting in person means a lot, and we talked about that.

So I was the one who took longer to reply, afraid, even thinking about stopping the conversation, because of fear and he was really nice and patient. He even mentioned, kind of in a joke, about meeting and I ignored it, a few times actually, about 3 times. (As I said, I communicated him my doubts before). And I was buying a car, and he helped me with advices, and somehow after that my interested shifted. And I got interested in our talks more. So I’m not sure if I’m now noticing it, if he just took after my style, if I’m just imagining it or not.. but it seems he’s replying more rare.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned him that I do want to meet now, but then COVID wave hit. And then I mentioned again last week, and he asked to meet me this weekend or the next week. When the rain stops, it’s rainy now, and only the terraces of places are open. He still chats, we write long messages and he does ask me a lot of questions. And I’m aware we might or might not like each other when we meet. But I’m scared a bit. I guess that’s normal. I guess any input would be welcome.

@Dannydan

So, if I understand what happened, you resolved things and made piece with your ex mate and your ex. But you didn’t want anything beyond that, and now your ex mate wants to make amends and retrieve your relationship but with that will come the ex gf too. You did not want that, and you spoke with ‘B’ and she was was eager for you to make amends and “let bygones be bygones”. In the moment you  accused her of trying to control who is part of your circle, which she quite rightly took offense to. And now she is mad.

It’s hard to me to say who I think was the first one to cross a line.. I think you have a right to decide who will be a part of your circle. You can talk to B, listen her advice, think.. but it’s your choice in the end. I don’t know how eager she was for you to make amends, was she just suggesting, or was she pushing you a bit? Also, were you mad when you told that sentence, did you do that in anger, snap on her?

I’m not sure if you only made a mistake, or if she did too.. What I think, it’s that if you continue friendship or not with your ex mate and your ex, it’s your choice. You don’t have to do it because of B, you should do how you feel. Listen to her advice, take it seriously, but only you know how you will feel and you should decide. Personally, I understand your view.

I’m not sure how much was B pushing, was she just suggesting in a nice manner, giving advice… The sentence you said it’s not nice to hear, and if you said it in anger it’s worse… I see from your posts that you feel blame. I’m not sure if you are only one to blame, but maybe you are. How mad she is now? Two days have past I think..

I think you should have a talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Apologise for your sentence. Yes, you did a mistake. But people do that in relationships. I think fights can happen, and will, it’s unavoidable. But two people in a relationship have to listen each other, why did they do something they did. Yes, you said something that was not nice, and you maybe said it in anger, and you should apologize. From what you wrote, I don’t think you did something unforgivable. So I agree with Jay, give her time and when it’s time communicate how you feel in a calm manner. And be really sincere with her about everythiny, and about how sorry you are.

Also, whewer you decide about your ex mate… I don’t think you should decide based on thig fight with B. If you accept it only because of her, and you don’t really want that yourself, you will resent it.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Rhaenys.

@Jay2023
I just read last page. I understand you are better, and yes, there are better and worse days. And I agree, when positive days outnumber the negative ones, you’ll be winning. Also, you did good with the encounter today, congrats on that. And now that it has happen, you’ve seen here now, you’ll need to worry about that less.

@Sammy I agree with the message in the bottle idea, it sounds nice. I was thinking that if you for example, know how to draw, you can draw him something. Things like that.

I admit I still have both positive and negative days. And days that are not really negative, but feel really bland. I actually got a lot of sleep and went to sleep many times really early, kind of to “escape reality”. However, at first I couldn’t sleep much, so at least now I sleep like a baby.