Forum Replies Created
May 5, 2021 at 11:18 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379254
@Dannydan, I’m not ignoring you, but I’m not sure if my input is welcome, as I asked, and you haven’t answered, so I will reply to your post only if you are okay with that. (I’m very glad for your reunion with B.)
@Sammy I’m glad that the message in a bottle was a nice idea and that you had a nice weekend with your boyfriend.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my chatting friend, but he suddenly started being weird, making excuses (rain, work) why we can’t come tomorrow, hasn’t contacted me on time and actually said he was confused and thought we didn’t have a deal. I read the messages again so I don’t think it was confusing.
He was actually weird even the day before, and I didn’t pressure him to meet, I said we can but don’t have to, that I would just like to know whether to plan him or not. And then he said he does want to.
So.. I don’t know what happened, he was really interested at first, more than me, I was kind of worried because of hour distance (had a boyfriend before in the same town and it didn’t turn out good). I was being sincere and told him that, he encouraged me and said that shouldn ‘t be a problem, and now suddenly he’s weird. Oh, I guessed that’s what happens on online dating. I was bummed and sad at first, then had a talk and evening with my friends (one of them also had a problem with tinder date), had a really good night sleep so I’m better now. I don’t want to pressure something that’s not going smoothly. At least the chatting that was going too long and frustrating recently will stop now, so I kind of have a “clean slate”.
Also.. I’m kind of proud of myself for stating and having my boundaries.May 3, 2021 at 11:07 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379164
It’s ok, I completley understand you bonded with the, they posted here much more. I’m not sure if you still wish my input in future, I’m going to do as you wish.
Thank you for best wishes for my meeting.May 3, 2021 at 12:13 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379130
@Dannydan, no worries. I did not mean to criticize her, not at all. I was just trying to guess how she feels, based on the last time she hasn’t replied immediately.
But I’ve been once put on pedestal in one friendship, and then when I did one thing wrong it backfired a lot, because other person thought I was perfect. And that felt really hard on me. So doing that sometimes makes things worse for the other person. Such high expectations are really high to achieve sometimes.
So I just wanted to let you know that I think she may be feeling scared and insecure, so that you could show her how much you care for her, as I see you do. Wish you all the luck. Sammy said everything I think too. And I understand how she feels, because you haven’t still been able to communicate to each other what happened that day, so her feelings (if Sammy and me are right) are understandable.
May 3, 2021 at 11:22 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379125
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
Well, I mentioned that one time, because obviously, she still did care for you, and she had to think, and I guess she also was a bit careful. So I think this time she wants to think too, and she is also probably careful and scared.
I think she cares, and she is obviously attracted a lot to you. And she obviously did need physical touch and reassurance when she came.
I don’t know.. I’m thinking if now would be a good time for you to reach out.May 3, 2021 at 10:39 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379120
I agree with Jay…
I’m confused too. You showed you care, you send her a message. It’s understandable that your place is a mess, as you were worried and in anxiety.. And I agree you should talk before you have sex.
Now she is the one who seems to act more immature and doesn’t communicate. She asks for space, but comes to your place, then runs away and asks for space again. I don’t think you did nothing wrong today.
What seems to me, it’s that she may feel insecure. Maybe this situation has reminded her of her insecurities about how your relationship ended the first time. And she may be scared it could happen again. You describe her as if she is perfect, but as I said to you earlier, I agree she may be a wonderful girl, but no one is perfect. So she may have her insecurities too. It seems to me she cares about you but she is scared.
I also remember, she did not reply immediately when you first contacted her and asked her to meet, months after the break up.May 3, 2021 at 6:00 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379106
@Dannydan Thank you. I actually realized the same, trying to help you was a distraction and it really feels good, because I feel that I really care. I actually check this page for updates from you. I keep fingers crossed.
I’m okay. I stiffed my neck a bit, nothing new or too hard, it will pass, but hurts a bit, and I’m home today. I’m not really upset much about that, I know that is my weak spot, happens once a year and it will pass. I actually did just start to practice regularly so I can be in better shape and healthy. I usually practice at winter, but with the pandemic, fitness centers were working only online, and then opened but had fewer spots so I was much less active this winter. I think I will go to work tomorroy.
Also, me and the guy I’ve been chatting with managed to arrange a meeting this week, so I guess I will solve this situation too. I’m much calmer now, I guess only the chatting was starting to be frustrating, so I’m at peace now that I know that the situation will change, in any way it goes.
I hope Jay and Sammy will be able to contact us soon, too.May 2, 2021 at 7:07 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379058
@Dannydan, what do you mean by “going around”.
It seems to me, if she switched her phone she really wants space, and if by “going around” means going to her place, I’m not sure if that’s wise.May 2, 2021 at 3:46 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379052
It’s okay, I admit was not posting much but I was reading you all the time so I kind of do feel a connection.
How is it today? Did you send the message? I just wanted you to know I’m here.May 1, 2021 at 9:39 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379026
I think you can send message today. I wish you good luck, and let us know what happens.April 30, 2021 at 12:22 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378989
@Dannydan I agree with the message Jay suggested too, I think it’s a nice message. And those are the things you were saying in this topic, so that is how you feel. We are all rooting for you.
Thank you so much @Dannydan and @Jay23 for your advice.. Yes, we were talking today about when and how to meet, I guess when the rain passes we will have opportunities. I am also well aware that the outcome doesn’t have to be romantic at all, it could be only as friendship, or just temporary, I’m okay with all the outcomes. I just feel the need to evolve it, or define it, or stop, I can’t continue on chats only anymore.
I agree with what you said Danny, “We have to learn to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings sometimes and hope when they pass we will rise as stronger and better human beings.” I guess that we all need this lesson now. I wish you all, and even Sammy, good vibes for the weekend.April 30, 2021 at 7:00 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378969
I asked if you managed to communicate after what happened, since when you wrote that post about all that happened, it seemed to me you did not have a chance to do that and it seems I was right. And now she asked for space..
I had that feeling you have now, many times before. When something in realtionship goes bad, and it’s your fault, and you know that.. The anxiety it’s really hard, the uncertainty. I know today you feel that, and the day is going slow probably, and you can’t stop thinking.
This is a page about mindfulness, but it’s hard to do that in your situation. I would be the same. But it will probably resolve after few days. I can just send you good wishes to hang on until that.
(Sorry guys, sometimes it’s hard for me to find words, as English is not my mother language).
I mentioned I’ve been chatting with a guy and these days we are talking about meeting. I’m panicking a bit, actually. I’m a bit afraid. It’s weird, chatting with someone for 3 months, and you think he is nice and interesting guy, and now you don’t know how will you feel in person.
Also… I had a problem that i was a bit cold in the beginning, and he was being really nice and kind in replying and I was not always. I had this fear, because he doesn’t live close, because I was unsure if I can have this kind of distance relationsip (it’s not too far, about 1 hour distance). I actually told him that and he reassured me. We are both aware we are just chatting and we don’t have a clue whether we can be even friends or now, because meeting in person means a lot, and we talked about that.
So I was the one who took longer to reply, afraid, even thinking about stopping the conversation, because of fear and he was really nice and patient. He even mentioned, kind of in a joke, about meeting and I ignored it, a few times actually, about 3 times. (As I said, I communicated him my doubts before). And I was buying a car, and he helped me with advices, and somehow after that my interested shifted. And I got interested in our talks more. So I’m not sure if I’m now noticing it, if he just took after my style, if I’m just imagining it or not.. but it seems he’s replying more rare.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned him that I do want to meet now, but then COVID wave hit. And then I mentioned again last week, and he asked to meet me this weekend or the next week. When the rain stops, it’s rainy now, and only the terraces of places are open. He still chats, we write long messages and he does ask me a lot of questions. And I’m aware we might or might not like each other when we meet. But I’m scared a bit. I guess that’s normal. I guess any input would be welcome.April 29, 2021 at 1:25 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378939
Oh @Dannydan.. All that you wrote now gives a totally different perspective. Now I think that the sentence you said, about how she wants to affect who will be your friend is the least problem.
So.. I’ll give you my perspective, as a woman, and a very emotional one.. Actually, I think the same as Sammy does.
First, you said that sentence, and I guess B felt hurt. First mistake. Then I guess because she was hurt, she said she should leave, and you just said fine. That is also not a good sign. Then she left home, and no message from you. And the next morning you act like nothing happened.. All that must have hurt her. I know you are aware of all those mistakes now, and I won’t brush it. Sammy also got them all, and you are now aware of that and sorry.
You know, I think that we learn during all of our lives. Yes, you learned from your mistakes, made things right with her, and you won’t make same mistakes again. But you’re still not perfect, no one is. Probably, not even B, and that’s fine, because she is a human beign, and don’t expect her to be always perfect, because that is hard to be. Big pressure on her.
So yes, you did grow, but there is always place to grow even more… You can’t expect, not even of you, that you won’t make mistakes.
Did you, in your contacts after the incident, told her how sorry are you? How you understand that you hurt her, what you did wrong? Because you wrote that after, you were messaging, you wrote that you are sorry, and when she called she just said she needed space? So I’m not sure if you had a chance to really explain everything what happened and how sorry you are, and why you reacted how you did. I’m not sure if you two managed to have a good and quality communication about what happened after that, before she asked for space.
What to do.. I think maybe a message like Jay said, tomorrow or during the weekend would be ok. Don’t ask her friends, if she finds out you asked your friends behind her back it could make things even more wrong.
Maybe a message, not just short one, “I’m sorry and thinking about you” but a bit longer, about how you feel and care for her might be a good idea? I’m interested in what would @Sammy suggest? I think I would like to know that, but I’m not her..April 29, 2021 at 4:56 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378896
So, if I understand what happened, you resolved things and made piece with your ex mate and your ex. But you didn’t want anything beyond that, and now your ex mate wants to make amends and retrieve your relationship but with that will come the ex gf too. You did not want that, and you spoke with ‘B’ and she was was eager for you to make amends and “let bygones be bygones”. In the moment you accused her of trying to control who is part of your circle, which she quite rightly took offense to. And now she is mad.
It’s hard to me to say who I think was the first one to cross a line.. I think you have a right to decide who will be a part of your circle. You can talk to B, listen her advice, think.. but it’s your choice in the end. I don’t know how eager she was for you to make amends, was she just suggesting, or was she pushing you a bit? Also, were you mad when you told that sentence, did you do that in anger, snap on her?
I’m not sure if you only made a mistake, or if she did too.. What I think, it’s that if you continue friendship or not with your ex mate and your ex, it’s your choice. You don’t have to do it because of B, you should do how you feel. Listen to her advice, take it seriously, but only you know how you will feel and you should decide. Personally, I understand your view.
I’m not sure how much was B pushing, was she just suggesting in a nice manner, giving advice… The sentence you said it’s not nice to hear, and if you said it in anger it’s worse… I see from your posts that you feel blame. I’m not sure if you are only one to blame, but maybe you are. How mad she is now? Two days have past I think..
I think you should have a talk with her. Tell her how you feel. Apologise for your sentence. Yes, you did a mistake. But people do that in relationships. I think fights can happen, and will, it’s unavoidable. But two people in a relationship have to listen each other, why did they do something they did. Yes, you said something that was not nice, and you maybe said it in anger, and you should apologize. From what you wrote, I don’t think you did something unforgivable. So I agree with Jay, give her time and when it’s time communicate how you feel in a calm manner. And be really sincere with her about everythiny, and about how sorry you are.
Also, whewer you decide about your ex mate… I don’t think you should decide based on thig fight with B. If you accept it only because of her, and you don’t really want that yourself, you will resent it.
April 21, 2021 at 1:47 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378269
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
@Sammy, yes, I’m aware I’m using it as that sometimes… It’s just that with all this pandemic, most days are the same, I’m still a bit stuck in the routine, and not really inspired for antyhing so I go to sleep early. I’ll see how it goes, if necesarry I will search help. I don’t do it every day, maybe once a week, but I was always a sleeper and did the same. Not just the reasons are a bit different, partly.
@Jay2023, I had the same, I used to wake up at 4am with knotts in my stomach. I think it stopped maybe after a few months? I remember how I wished I could sleep a careless, childless sleep now. It’s detinitely stopped now, I do wake up sometimes, but no knotts. So.. i needs a bit of time, but it does stop eventually.April 21, 2021 at 1:01 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #378259
I just read last page. I understand you are better, and yes, there are better and worse days. And I agree, when positive days outnumber the negative ones, you’ll be winning. Also, you did good with the encounter today, congrats on that. And now that it has happen, you’ve seen here now, you’ll need to worry about that less.
@Sammy I agree with the message in the bottle idea, it sounds nice. I was thinking that if you for example, know how to draw, you can draw him something. Things like that.
I admit I still have both positive and negative days. And days that are not really negative, but feel really bland. I actually got a lot of sleep and went to sleep many times really early, kind of to “escape reality”. However, at first I couldn’t sleep much, so at least now I sleep like a baby.