Forum Replies Created
June 22, 2021 at 9:20 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #381794
Hello guys, how did the weekend go?
“I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.
The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself @Rhaenys alongside me, @Jay2023 and @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.”
Thank you @Sammy1 <3. I meant that I guess I’m bit afraid people won’t like me, or they will ignore me, and then I stop communicate because I feel ignored or unliked. But I think it’s connected to what you wrote too. And my reaction makes it worse, because I stop communicating / post rarely and then you can’t bond. Yes, I’m reading you for months all the time, but if I don’t post you can’t see me.
I also thought about what you wrote, the compromise. And in these worsds you found my biggest fear. That I’ll have to accept someone I don’t feel any spark ar attraction to have a family, to settle. Like, with a friend who I don’t find attractive or interesting at all. Whom I even can’t and don’t want to kiss. I’m afraid if I will find someone who I will feel attraction for, and who will be ready and want to commit and want family with me. Because I haven’t had much luck with that until now. (I also made some mistakes and stayed too long it those realtionships.) So that’s my biggest fear.
And I know I can’t make that compromise now. Maybe in 5 years if I’m desperate, but I doubt even then. I know I will be miserable forever if I do that and I won’t love that guy if I do that, because I couldn’t stand being with someone with whom I don’t feel it. However, I’ll be miserable if I stay alone and childless, too. So… this is the cause of anxiety and fear for me.
About what you wrote with spark, I know it may take time, bonding and connection, but it has to exist. And I understand you, it’s also hard for me to find friends. And I mean rela friends, not aquantancies, I have those a lot.
Thank you @Jay2023 for your reply, I’m glad you are much better now.June 18, 2021 at 9:31 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #381663June 18, 2021 at 9:29 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #381662
Thank you @Jay2024 for your kind words and for faith, that means a lot to me. Yes, you are right, seems like plenty of time, but sometimes, especially after relationships with guys afraid of commitment, fear and anxiety kicks.
Oh @Sammy1, don’t feel bad, I explained I also tended to run and don’t post more than to bond, so how can I bond if I don’t post and just read. But I read all the time since last summer.
I don’t think I really have a choice @Sammy1. I just can’t have a relationship with a person that I don’t find interesting because of his character and attractive. And with “attractive” I don’t mean only looks, sometimes person grows on you when you get close. But a spark of attractivnes has to exist, and while it’s not just based because of looks, it depends on that too. Or I can’t kiss him, not even mentioning everything else. So I don’t like when people say to me that “he just has to be good” because that’s not true. I have good male friends, that even liked me, but I can’t be with them, I would be miserable. That’s a friends, not a partner.
But I also want partner who will be my support, with whom I can talk and we can share our deepest fears and dreams, someone who will take effort to meet me and understand me and I will do that for him. Maybe that’s why I’m “too much” for someone. I realize now those are not my kind of people. And sometimes it takes time to see if you can do that with someone. I thought I could do that with my last ex, but it turned our I can’t. So that’s what I mean when I say “interesting”. I used to mean “similar or many interests and intelectually smart” but now I think something else.
So I don’t think I really have a choice . And I don’t want a perfect person, just a real one, but who will want the same goals (children and family) and will be willing to put effort if it gets hard. I realize communication is really important, so I want someone I can talk with.
Do I want too much? heheh. I don’t think I can’t be with a guy if I don’t think he has a potential for both.
So I’m not sorry I ended with tinder guy, as he didn’t really put much effort at the end or respected my time.
Thank you for understanding me @Sammy1 , that means a lot.
@Sammy1, I agree with @Jay2023. I think you can enjoy your time with bf, and give him a reasonable time to see if he is ready for next steps that show commitment. You are not together for much, so maybe it is a bit too early for him. If he still have you support and understanding and didn’t just shut down but reassured you, that is wonderful.June 18, 2021 at 8:00 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #381629
Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.
First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.
@Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.
@Dannydan, I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?
I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.
How did it go?
@Sammy1, you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?
I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.
First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.
Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.
I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.
I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.
So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.
I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.
Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.
Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.June 18, 2021 at 6:32 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #381638
I just wrote a post a few hors ago and it’s awaiting moderation. So waiting for that. I’m not sure why, that happens often to me here, I’m not sure if I’m doing anything wrong or it’s because of my language mistakes.
So I’m just going to reply to new posts, to respect the moderation.
@Jay2023 I’m glad you are better and everything is well. Also I’m really glad and you should be proud of yourself that you choose not to pursue realtionship with someone else if she is not ready. However it seems to me that situation has helped you to get over your ex a bit so that’s positive.
@Sammy1, I’m really sorry. Are you two okay? Did he said why he won’t live with you, he feels it’s too early?
I think it’s normal that old fears arise, although do you recognize you are already handling it a bit differently this time? It seems to me you are, and this is a big step.
I remember your reply a month ago, whan I asked you how did you let yourself enter new relationship and be vulnerable again, and you are so brave.
May 18, 2021 at 1:40 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #380038
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Rhaenys.
Hello. I really loved your last posts here.
@Dannydan, I must admit I haven’t liked you at first, expecially since I’ve felt I experienced from my ex a bit similar like you described you did with B. But you grew on me, a lot. I really appreciate your posts here, and I admit I like you. And.. all those things you did because you were hurt before. And now that I read your posts and you mentioning how you were annihilated on other forums.. I’m really glad posters here had heart and acceptance for you.
I think both you and @Sammy1 are wonderful here, trying help Jay and me.
I think that break up and rejection hits us hard. We all have some issues, maybe some more some less.. But those of us who want partner and companionship, and who were the ones who gave more… it hurts us. I think that happened to Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Tim, and all other posters, including us for here now. I’ve been reading older posts, and everyone mentioned same things about how they feel, mood swings, better and worse days,”I’m afraid no one will love me again”. Actually I’ve been reading your posts from last year Sammy, and the changes you went give me hope, I really admire how you did it, you are so strong.
I also really felt I found myself in Danny’s words today:
“The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum.”
And I’ve been mentioning all this because I think this is some parts is normal after breakups, especially for those of us who want to be partnered and have a family (I specifically remember Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Jay and me mentioning that, and mentioning our age – as this is bothering me a lot). And sometimes I feel like we who suffer so much have problem with ourselves, like we have to fix ourselves. And yes, we can always work on ourselves, to be better, more open and vulnerable.. But we are not broken. (There is actually and article on tinnybuddha today about this: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-life-changing-insight-you-are-not-a-problem-to-be-fixed/). Because sometimes I get a felling we are…But I think the point is to accept who we are and what we feel, not to “fix us”. And I think we are worthy of love and much better partners then we had. Some pain after breakup, if we cared is normal, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves because of that. (I think it’s another thing if it lasts for years and years).
So that is my message to @Jay2023 and all of us today… As maybe my English language skills are in my way so I can’t express myself the best, I’ll qoute that article I mentioned from today:
“The truth is…
You are not a problem to fix.
You are a human to be held.
To be held in your own arms and loved into wholeness.
Take care of your human.”May 17, 2021 at 12:53 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379959
Thank you for your advice @Sammy1.
I read and thought about your post. You may be right, I had some fears. But I did tell hem my fears in the beginning, and also how I felt about our problems when trying to agreed to meet. I was sincere one, and didn’t play games. And yes, he was letting me down in communication, last month, also letting me down when we tried to agree for a meet, and actually a few times. (For example, even when he knew he wont be able to make it, the first day we tried to agree, he didn’t communicate it immediately, I had to wait for hours for his reply.)
Also, when I tried to get to know why is this change happening, he was evasive and he always ignored or changed the subject. I was sincere and told him about my hesitation at the begnining, he didn’t even have to ask. So… I think I was open and vulnerable and he wasn’t really completley sincere and communicating with me.
I’m not trying to say it’s his fault and that he was leading me… Not at all. I’m not even mad. Maybe he is just a good guy, and we had a misunderstanding. But we obviously have different ways of communcatiog and his ways make me anxious. So I don’t think that situation was good for me, as it wasn’t feeling good. I realize as I have been hurt, and if I enter a new realtionships, or just start dating, fears will arise (and they did). But his behaviour was making them really worse. I don’t think that’s good or healthy for me.
I admit after what’s happened, I’ve been a bit more sad this weekened. Also, one friend whom I said what happened was mocking me a bit, saying I was overacting and said a comment about how other people she knows now have dates or have found boyfriends during pandemic and I don’t even have a date.. And I’ve tried to help her anytime when she says she has hard time at work (and she says that every week). So when you try to help someone and then get this reaction when you need supprt, it makes me really disapointed and angry actually. It’s those problems with friends I’ve been mentioning last week, now again. Actually I’ve been reading older posts from this topic and I’ve found you were having problems with friends @Sammy1 too, when you were in crisis.
So I had a lousy weekend, and was being home and sad a lot. After what was happening with my friends I wasn’t really in a mood for hanging out with them, so I was home. My mom is and was always a big support, and I was a bit more calm yesterday afternoon and spent big part of day playing piano, I do enjoy that a lot. I think I’m really going to focus on friends that care and try to understand me, even if they are minority.
@Dannydan, that was really interesting post. I think from a few years ago, also after breakup, I read about all those attachment styles, and all the things your therapyst explained to you.
@Jay2023, how was the weekend?
May 14, 2021 at 12:53 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379868
- This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Rhaenys.
I’m sorry you had few bad days, and also that your friend problems are worse. I think you can always come here from support, both from @Dannydan, @Sammy1 and too. Actually, I think Sammy would be happy if you tagged her, she wants to help you and care.
Sometimes when I read your posts, some things sound like I’ve written them. I experience the same, better and worse days. Actually, at the beginning, near after my break up, it was worse, I think my feelings was stronger, especielly in worse days. Now they don’t have such intensity, but they do exist. I also totally feel what you said about work, I feel like not going and taking a break, and then I take a day of work, and it is acutally worse.
I guess we have to be patient, try to see how we feel and accept those feelings, and maybe find some things we like to do, our passions. I’m not an expert, because I haven’t still got over this phase, so I don’t know actually what to say to you to help. However I know we can come here and be supportive to each other.
Did your therapy start?
You mentioned negative spiraling thoughts in your last post. I think that we have to kick ourselves out of those negative thoughts that start spiraling and getting worse. You have one negative thought, and then you continue to dwelve on it and it goes worse, and after a few minutes of thinking just everything seems negative. So maybe we should change our focus when we have the first negative thought. Very hard to do, I know.
May 13, 2021 at 5:16 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379774
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
I guess Sammy may be right our FEARS can make us self sabotage and we end up giving up too soon.
In my life so far, I think I did the opposite.. With my last boyfriend, I wanted to be in a relationshp so much, I think I rushed a bit, went relationship too soon, ignoring that he is much younger (8 years) and if we want the same things. So this time I want to be patient and calm.
(Also, the 8 years younger ex was the punctual one, I could rely on him when planning and meeting, and that felt like such nice breath of freas air and really relaxing, so I guess that is importand for me.)
Also, I was always giving too much chances, and din’t have a courage to end things. I always had that fear and negative feeling, that I couldn’t find anyone better. So this time I really want to be patient, not to rush and like you said, build a connection, not just go with the initial sparks.
And all this problems at the begining are giving me much anxiety, and I admit I’m scared, I don’t want to make a mistake.
May 13, 2021 at 4:55 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379770
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
Thank you @Sammy1 a lot! I put the wrong tag.
I don’t know what to think about him. At first he was really nice when we started chatting, I thought he is really inteligent and interesting, he helped me with his opinion when I bought a new car, I communicated to him my worry about distance relationship and he assured me. I actually didn’t have a good feeling, but I thought that could be only because of my fears (as you said).
Then I thought, if he is so nice, give him a chance, but then when I showed interested it seemed to me as he was less interested and messaging less. Again, I could be right in that assesment or it could be my fears, or just chatting too long without meeting (3 months).
So we tried to agree for a meet but then problems started. We had a plan for wednesday, and there was a chance he could have to work for longer, but he didn’t communicate that until I asked him late evening Thursday. Than we had a misunderstanding about meeting (he thought we won’t meet, I understand we will met after all on wednesday and I felt he was stringing me along). And than we were not contacting until he all of sudden he send me message late Saturday (22 PM) for Sunday morning. I was thinking I’ll give a chance and said yes. And then he was late and didn’t contact. All that left a really sore taste for me.
I’m not mad, as at the end he explained himself, it’s more that I’m not sure if we can be compatible because of all that difference in planning and comunicating. He doesn’t seem like a person who likes to plan much ahead, or cares that much about punctuality, and I experinced that with one of my previous ex-es and I was just frustrated most of the time.
Like you Know here, I had bad experiences, and I do want someone who is reliable and whom I can trust. He hasn’t contacted since. When we meet he seemed nice. He even payed the bill, wanted to give me chocolate (but it melted) he even hugged me twice at the end. And I felt I was attracted a bit. I started overthinking on Sunday, so I decided to let it go, not to think about what will I do. I guessed if he really is interested he will contact and then I’ll see how I feel. But so far I guess i felt mixed signals and I didn’t want to push. I explained him how I felt when he didn’t contact, I wasn’t unsure if he is just stringing me alone, and then he understood, but still all that worries me so I don’t feel like contacting him myself. I just asked him if he arrived home, and thanked him for drink and gift, and he replied nicely, but at the time (Sunday) I didn’t felt to continue chat. I guess I had that “red flags” screaming in my head.May 13, 2021 at 2:19 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379766
I’m glad you are good this days, @Sammy and @Dannydan. I’m glad everything is going nicely with B, Danny. And I’m really glad for you Sammy too, it’s interesting to read about this connection with your by.
I had an interesting weekend.. My match from Tinder has contacted me, and asked to meet this Sunday. So I sad, ok, let’s give him this chance, and satisfy my curiousity.
We are an hour apart, and he came near my town, but he was late and didn’t contact me when he said he will. We had a deal he will get off about 10 AM and contact me when he does, but I got a message about 12:30 PM, that he is there. I went… We had a nice chat, and he seemed nice and both handesome, there was really space for sparks, I could see falling for him.. But I told him I don’t think we are compatible because he was late, didn’t contact me and it seemed to me we don’t have the same views on planning and reliability and told him it’s maybe better if we don’t chat or meet again. We discussed what happened that day and last week (he said that what happened last week was misunderstanding, and he said he end up in traffic jam that day so wasn’t sure when to contact me), and he wanted to stay longer and seemed dissapointed by this…
So far he listened my wishes. I think I don’t find him reliable, based on all this and that is really imporant for me. I don’t see how can I build trust after all this. So.. I guess I didn’t fall for handsome face and sparks this time. It also seems we have really different way of comunicating, at least in this area. But having someone who is punctual and who I can rely on is really important for me. Someone whom I could trust. And his behaviour is making me stressful and giving me anxiety.
What happened was really stressful for me that sunday, but since that I’ve been more calm. I somehow feel like i passed the test. I admit I am a bit sad, more generally then because of him directly this week, and somehow scared and thinking when will my bad luck change. Your views would be really appreciated.
May 7, 2021 at 4:55 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379327
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
@Dannydan , about your insecurity if you “are good enough” for B, she already choose you. I think when you two started for the second time, that shows how much she is into you. I think if you care about her, if you listen her needs as I mentioned, you don’t have to be afraid. And I see you care a lot. If you still are, however, insecure, maybe therapy would help you.
I also agree with Sammy suggestion about doing acts of service for B, I was actually trying to say you the same thing, but with different words.
About the remarks… I’m not sure. As it seems to me we don’t know the whole story (what were those remarks, what culture it is, what did B told you) it’s hard to say. I don’t want to suggest you to tell us, not at all, but it’s hard to say for me. Sammy has good instincts, maybe you should listen her, sincerety between partners doesn’t sound as a bad choice.
@Jay2023, I personally think some mood swings are not unusual after a breakup. I remember after my breakup, I had those a lot, worse and better days. And I thought I should heal fast, not think about him.. Giving yourself time to heal, as much as you need, is also a way of showing care for yourself. I actually remember reading an article on this page about that, actually many articles mention that. I still have some better and worse days, and that’s okay. I even see my friends have those, after breakup it can be only worse. It will get better. I agree therapy should help, I think that’s never a bad choice. It could all pass much sooner with therapy and that would make it easier for you.
I read a lot of articles on this page about break up, moood swings, about how to see what we feel about judging it, mindfulness… It could help. Maybe I already mentioned, Ask Polly colums also helped a lot (maybe they are written more for woman, though, but I think they can work for both man and women, and there are also question from men).
@Sammy thank you for advice. I’m actually aware what happened does not affect my self worth, and I’m not that sad or depressed. It was kind of stresful few days, but now it’s passed, and I’m glad the situation is over, and chatting also.
I’m in a weird part of my life, it seems to me like all the masks are falling down… I also had some disappointments with some of my friends last few months, and this week again too. It like I’m finally seeing and understanding everything. I started being aware that some of my friends don’t really understand or even try to understand me, and are being selfish (always talking about their problems only, but then ignoring when I want to talk about mine, asking me to let them know early about our arrangements, but then canceling or changing them later, multiple times and similar stuff). It’s like I’m in this phase in my life when it’s teaching me not to be dependable on anyone, except myself, and how to be okay by myself and how to put boundaries in all my relationships. I guess it’s interesting but also very stresfull and demanding. I’m realizing it’s sometimes better to stay home and be with myself, then adapting to all their arragment changes and demads to do things only they want. It really does seems all masks are falling… And I actually understand them and why they do that, I understand they have their own problems why they act the way the do, it’s really weird feeling. I guess this is the part when I realize who is a friend and who is not, and what to except of whom, like I’m having a lesson in (both love, friendship and family) relationships. And I do have a feeling (most of the time) that all this storm will pass, and everything will fall into place.
It’s weird because after my last break up, and because one friend was mad about me as she felt I “ignored” her during my relationship, I had felt remorses about that. But now I’m realizing, I did not do nothing wrong, actually I see all the people doing the same, relying on their partners the most, if they do want a serious relationship. And after my breakup, I was kind of in a mood, I don’t want to find anyone outside my town, as I have “friends” and family here, and wouldn’t lose them… So I guess that now, life has showed me not to exclude anything, to have an open mind and when the time is right and the lesson is learned, this situation (bot with friends and romantic relationship) with resolve itself.May 6, 2021 at 4:08 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379262
@Dannydan Thank you for your reply and kind words.
I read your posts about what happened with B and I have an advice… Listen to her, hear her words.
You were posting here last weeks, and mentioning how you can’t wait for the wedding, can’t wait when it’s going to be only you two, mentioning your bubble you enjoy so much.
I’m aware you may not like what I’m going to say, and I’m sorry if you don’t. I’m trying to help. As a woman, something sounded very familiar with me, when you wrote:
“She said she was already aware her culture was dictating certain things for the wedding so she had tried to take on even more of the load to stop me from feeling overwhelmed but in the process she herself had began to feel like she was drowning and pulled in all directions.
She said the fairytale wedding she always dreamed of no longer appealed to her (this made me feel sad as I’ve been moaning so much I’ve taken the joy out of it for her too) she said if it was up to her she would elope. But she came with family whom she has always prioritised, it was important for them to celebrate the milestone. It felt to her that I was not embracing that aspect of her as much anymore.
She’s right because selfishly i love it when it’s just the two of us we just get so lost in our own bubble. I’m family oriented but her family dynamic is very different to mine. It’s not just parents and siblings it’s extended family which I have never really experienced and many more obligations. In one way it’s inspiring and beautiful but in others it’s daunting when it comes to events.
She said as her fiancé the very least she expected was I’d want to be more involved, supportive but every task was met with a moan (@Jay2023 I don’t know if you are the same but I realised I despise the fuss around these events. I look forward to the moment she walks down the aisle and we cement our union but the rest I’d quite happily skip!)
She said she had wanted me to WANT to do things not feel like she was guilting me. Also realised the fact I wasn’t instinctively would mean in future she may have to struggle alone.”
And now in your posts, you are again mentioning:
” I think it is quality time which like I love too and we enjoy each other’s company to the max when we’re together, it feels like we are in a bubble of our own.”
As I understand she comes from a different culture and has a big family. That probably won’t change completley when you get married. Yes, you will live together, and she won’t be as much with them, but I believe, except if you two don’t move really far far away, they will always be a part of her life. It seems that’s important for her. She wants to integrate her in her life, to be there for her, to help her and be a support. She wants you to accept that. And I believe she would do the same for you.
So listen her, and be there for her. Accept all parts of her life, and try to find a way for both of you to integrate your lives. You shouldn’t lose things that are important to you because of you partner. I believe she is ready to do that for you, since she would be supporting if you would accept your ex friend and ex request. You need to do the same for her.
There is never going to be only you two in bubble, not all the time. I had experiences with men who liked when we were together, but never integrated me in their lives, their family, or let me do the same for them. and I wanted to, I wanted to compromise. They were afraid of that, and wouldn’t do that. I believe you care for her, and want to marry her, and you are ready for that. But you need to listen her, not moan when she needs your support and compromise. Listen what she needs, see that and give that to her. And she will do that for her too, she already seems to be doing that. And she needs to feel like you WANT to do that, not like she is making you.
She seems like a wonderful woman, but her family, her culture are a part of her life, and I think you should try to accept that and find a way, you two together, how to handle that. Together. And I trust in you two. But you need to talk about that, and not just ignore it, and work with that.
May 6, 2021 at 2:00 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379260
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.
Thank you @Jay2023. I’m aware it’s not reflection on myself.
Actually, to me now it seems like it was a push-pull game. He was pushing a lot, while I was unsure, encouraging me, initiating conversations, and when I gave in, he started pulling away. I don’t want to play, so if that’s it, I’m not going to push it. I guess, even in past, I’m may be attracted to those games, but I hope I’m now at least more emotionally aware so I can recognize this and stop it. Somehow, knowing I can recognize the game, and it’s my choice whether I want to play or not, makes me feel stronger and confident, realizing I have a control. And I want to choose only what’s healty and mature, not those games.
I don’t rely on tinder as my primary method usually either, I was even unsure because it was a match on tinder. I admit I went on tinder as there were not many others opppurtunites, because of pandemic, work-home life and friends in relationships.
I love what you wrote in last part of your reply. I’m going to take a break now too, not chasing anything, not tryin to replace any loss. As now my thinking of my ex has stopped in the most part, I guess it’s a wonderful opportunity to not be thinking about anyone, which hasn’t happened a long time now for me. I also believe that things will develop, when it’s right time and when we are in good state for that, both for you and me.May 5, 2021 at 11:22 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #379255
@Jay2023, I’m glad things are going better for you. You sound much more better than last weeks.
About the tinder match, I think it’s a good thing, that somehow it can be a sign of moving on. My last chat, even though did not end well, has helped me to kind of move on, to see there are other chances than my ex. So even if it was not succesful, it kind of opened my eyes I guess. I gave someone else a chance. It can do the same for you I think.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Rhaenys.