Forum Replies Created
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@Tim,
First, I’m sorry for Rupert too, I had pets before and have them now, and they are a member of family for me.
Thank you very much for your reply. I read it, and I admit I haven’t posted a few days, since I’ve let myself think about… I Know you are right, I full desire to did the things you said this time
I remember me 2 years ago, just before starting last relationship and on the beginning, really wanting someone, but also believing and saying to myself “this time you’ll love yourself too, you will let yourself enjoy, you will be relaxed and not make the relationship all of your world”. Did i do that? Partially, some of it, some of the times, not fully… I did have a talk about what I want, even though that was what finished it. And at the end when he changed I was ready to break it up. So I guess I did better than last time (waiting 7 years…).
Still, I guess last few months when he was changing and not acting really nice to me let a really bitter pill to swallow. I think I would actually deal it better if it ended differently, maybe if we agreed to part immediately after our conversation.. But seeing him getting cold was hard. My therapist told me it was because of the talk, he was immature and not ready, and that’s how his family programmed him and I guess it’s true, since change happened after that. But still it’s hard… I’m really looking forward for next appointment with therapyst.
thank you for your support too. I totally understand you. As everyone tells me, all can change in an instant and for love it’s never too late. And something it happens just when we lost all hope and we stop thinking about it.. so we both have time, even though it doesn’t feel like that sometimes.
Did you have a walk this weekend as you planned?
I had a really hard weekend, actually saturday… I always liked the idea of going to a wedding with my boyfriend as guests, and we were invited at a wedding, in his family, that was this saturday. Actually that was near the end of relationship and I knew even when I got the invite, I had doubts, feeling like it won’t happen… Then one of my best friends was at another wedding the this saturday too, the same day. I think there were few weddings in our small town this saturday. I made plans to go somewhere with my friends (as a way to escape from being home) but in the morning was rain, so we stayed home. Then, afternoon sun came and it made everything worse… I felt stuck at home… It was really hard for me that day, people were posting pictures, I actually missed him again and even dreamt of him and woke up felling bad on sunday. I haven’t dealt with it the best. I actually dreaded this day for 2 months.
Then it was better on sunday, and I thought… you had such a lousy saturday, and you did that to yourself. You expected it to be dreadful and you made it. I feel I kind of had my chance to deal with it different and I blew it. But blaming me won’t help, I know that too.
I guess I need support these days… It’s monday now, but I’m feeling better at least.
I’m really sorry, I was just trying to help you to find support if Shelbyville and Time are not online. Please do feel free to post here anytime, that’s okay, we all came here for support, me too.
Thank you for your kind words.
My background is that I had a break up about 2 months ago… I’m 33, I had a few (let’s say 3) relationships, and all the guys broke up with me… Also, even though I’m always searching for a serious relationship that will grow into living together and marriage, none of the guys were ready for it. I’ve been in a 7 year relationship with a guy who was never ready for that, and I stayed to long. He was my age, and it was also long distance. Last guy was 8 years younger and he was a lot into me, we were 2 years together but he changed when I started a conversation about future.
I’m 33, and at First I missed him so much and wanted him back… I miss him now too, sometimes.. But mostly I’m really scared about my future, not finding someone for marriage and kids, ending up alone. This is what really bothers me these days.
I have a lot of friends, and they are not married yet, most of them, but they are in relationships so don’t want go out much (which I totally understand), and with that and COVID I don’t see many opportunities to meet people… I don’t have issues with my looks, I have a job (that is not perfect, but not horrible either), I have hobbies and interests, but sometimes I feel I’m just not meant to have luck in love. I’m really scared of that last two days, really sad because of that. Sometimes I have anxiety and mild panic attacks because of that. I try to do what I wrote before but I have better and worse days. So yes, these days I also need support too…
Shelbyville, yes I do feel I’m pretty lucky because of support, and also because I have a lot of friends here. I used to work in another town (Capital) but I didn’t have Company there. I decided I want to live in this smaller town where I was born, as my whole family is here and friends too, and also it’s near the sea and a lot of nature near. So I came back, even though I liked my previous work more. And I have really a lot friends here so I don’t miss Company at least.
I do feel better.. I do miss my ex sometimes, but I think I mostly have anxiety because of my fear that I’m too old to find someone, that I will end up alone and childless (I’m 33.). Somehow that anxiety and panic came up now. I Know I’m still Young and as I have a lot of friends I also have opportunities to meet people, although they are limited now because of COVID. I’m going to my First appointment with therapyst today.
@Sammy, I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to say that you Search for support as a critique.. We all came here for that, me too. And that’s okay, I think that’s what there forums are meant for. I was just suggesting, that if other members like Tim or Shelbyville are busy and not online, to maybe search for your friends or family as a support…I’m so sorry if you feel you find hard to do that in person, I understand. I also have maybe 1-2 persons that are close to me and with whom I speak openly about my problems. I don’t do that with the rest, but sometimes just hanging with friends and having fun helps, and makes me happy.
I guess we seek for support from others, while we should Search for that in ourselves… But that’s hard sometimes, really hard and takes time. I also always refused to go to therapy before, so I understand that too. Please feel free and welcome to post here whenever you need, as you see there are people who will relpy.
Sammy, no need to apologize. I was replying a few times mostly to Shelbyville. I posted yesterday because you were alone here for a few days, so I wanted to help if I can.
Maybe you could use some therapy? I also sometimes have a feeling that my life is at a Dead end, but then I say to myself – maybe this is a chance for me to do some hobbies, spend time with my friends and family. And who knows, something can happen any day that can change everything on the positive side, I’m thinking. When I’m not at home I go with my friends, read a book, spend time with my family or cats, and I started playing piano… And I can finally sleep good enough and long. I also watch videos and meditations on YouTube. Maybe you can try something like that… I guess we all have to face our demons alone eventually, but until you feel a bit better maybe it would be good not to be alone too much time. As you Search support here, maybe that’s what you need with your friends and family too.
When I’m at home I’m okay, but I think what’s the hardest for me is my work, I’m really not inspired at all and I just start thinking.
Shelbyville thank you very much. Your posts make me think you seem a lot better.
Thank you Anita, I’m so grateful for your efforts and I appreciate them.
I agree and I think you got most parts right.
I don’t think I would describe I felt that much aggresion when I was a child.. When you say aggresion was in the air, somehow I don’t feel like that’s it. There were a lot of fights after divorce, mostly between me and brother, and us, kids and parents.. My mom and dad did fight, but that was not dominant, or at least not only that. I feel it was more like… sadness, emptiness was creeping in the air. Loneliness maybe… Like we were not enough. There were not fighting most of the times, but I still felt it didn’t work.
So I guess it’s a bit of aggression, but also, and even more, sadness, emptiness, loneliness. Maybe that “something missing” is love – but not for us kids, but between my parents (and maybe calmness, as opposed to aggresion, but I don’t feel I relate do that as much). Also, maybe I don’t relate that much to anger/aggression, because even though I do tend to feel them still sometimes, that is the problem I did manage to solve, at least a bit, (I used to feel it and show it much more before), while the other one – not so much. I think I always find an area in my life where I feel something is missing (sometimes it’s friends, sometimes is work, sometimes health), and I tend to think my problems are bigger than they are which stops me from enjoying life as I could. And the worst I feel when I have problems in my relationships with my partners.
I also never realized the connection you put between what I blame my father for and what I do in relationship – I guess that I learned that is a way to show love, to try, to be there for them, to not leave them – I guess that is what I also want them to show me love (and they may have different ways of showing it).
What to you propose, what should I do in the future, how to get rid of that unwanted feeling, and how to break my pattern, change my behaviour, what to do to make relationships work? How to feel just happy and calm.
I’m having a small crisis today because it’s Friday and I don’t know what to do on weekends.. My friends are mostly home / with partners or a few of them that like to go out have other company, and don’t call me anymore as I would spend weekends with boyfriend or home (especially lately, as I felt it wasn’t working so I wasn’t in the mood to hang out with my friends).. But suddenly, being home is not that much fun.
I live with my mother and brother now, and I do feel there is love and calmness now at home. I don’t feel like something is in the air, but more, like it’s in me. As I’m still hurt and I do miss my boyfriend, I miss our weekend trips, and would like to go somewhere, to get out of the house, but don’t feel like doing it alone. I guess I will probably reconnect with old friends or find new, but that takes time and healing takes time too, so it’s hard now.
So… I’ve been thinking about my behaviour and relationships and what it my relationship triggers problems in my relationship. Also, not just thinking, but I’ve been practicing mindfulness after having some depresing and anxiety moments lately, and I’ve come up with some things…
I don’t think that my parents were not good to me, or they didn’t give me enough love. But it was clear from early on to me that my parents’ marriage is not perfect. They were fighting, it’s hard to remember now how often, but even when they were not, I guess I felt it’s not working. I remember a feeling that when our family was together, just the 4 of us (my dad, mom, brother and me), somehow it was not enough. I think that was because their relationship didn’t work. I wanted, when we went to trips, vacations or Christmas dinners, that someone was with us. Because if someone was with us (mostly another family), that feeling that somehow our family isn’t enough, that something missed, went away. Or maybe that just helped me to ignore it better.
When I was 20 they divorced. I didn’t see that coming mostly because I expected it much earlier, so when it didn’t happen earlier, I thought they will stay together. It was really hard, they didn’t get along, there were some nasty fights, not just between them but between my brother and me, and us with them. I guess I blamed my dad a lot, because I felt, even as younger that he didn’t try enough. My mom was home, she did almost all of the housework and was always there for us, and my dad was often away, even more in the end. We also had some fights after divorce, he soon found a new woman and tried to get me to know her and hang with her and her family and I didn’t want to. A few times he also tricked me, we decided to meet, and he would bring them without telling me. We are okay now, because I want to have relationship with him as he is my dad, but I still don’t like how he behave.
After divorce, my dad parents, who I was really close with, got sick and died in a few years and that was a hard time for me. I was in college, first my grades dropped and I was also an introvert, however I started getting more friends and going out and even got better grades again during the final years.
Until last year of college, I had a a lot of crushes in my life, but never mutual. I was also an introvert, I didn’t care much about my clothes or make up, and this changed during my 20s.
I guess that during those hardest times, as I didn’t have a family, and even didn’t have someone to really confess to (because the problems were in my family, and it was too personal to say to friends, also I didn’t want a therapist because of my prejudice that this would mean something is wrong with me or I’m sick), I wanted a boyfriend to save me. And at final year of college I found a boyfriend, and at first, I finally had that someone.
I now see that in my relationships, I was pursued by boys, and they were at first good to me (as Anita says, maybe because they had to be nice to me if they wanted me as girlfriend). And I liked that. I think in my 2 longer relationship, I also lost infuatuation, but I liked being with them even after that because they were good to me (and they really were both, at least in the first year-two, during their infatuation phase). And I think I did care a lot for them, even after my infatuation stopped.
But my problem is, as I see it, when they stopped being good to me, or good enough, instead of leaving, I try to do everything to get them back. Now with my 7 year relationship I waited too long, last time, it finished earlier (that phase lasted a few months). He did broke with me, but I was on verge of breaking up too, a thought of that for a time. I guess I did maybe just learn something.
I also realized that by doing that – trying to do everything to get them back , I stop myself from getting something better. Because in 7 year relationship, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I wanted someone to wake up with, to be with me, to be mutual support and spend time together, but as it was long distance (except 1 year), I was actually alone most of the time. My behaviour deprived me of getting things I wanted instead of getting a chance to have them with someone else. Because I was afraid of breaking up and being alone, and afraid if I can fall in love again and find someone again. And when we broke up after 7 years, when I was 30…
Now I do feel a bit scared, as I’m 33, will I be able to have a relationship and a family later (is it too late and are all the good guys taken?). I’m aware I have to see if a guy is mature, and if we want the same things. But first have some time alone. All my life, I didn’t have many health, school or work problems, I do have a support in my family and friends (even in my dad – we talk a lot, even if he sometimes doesn’t understand me or I him. I think I’m accepting that now finally). I do have a lots of interest and mostly (excpet now in covid times), I don’t have problems with going out, meeting new people, I’m also satisfied with my looks and guys do notice me. I changed a lot, from big introvert and really shy girl in my teens.
I guess I only have problems with thing that I obsess over the most – having a partner, and now in my 30s, a family too. As I’m reading about mindfulness, meditation, spirituality already about 5 years, I guess I must find that someting I’m missing (that something since I was a child who felt something was missing when I was with my family) in me first. I’m welcome to advices on how to overcome that. And I think I have to appreciate what I have more, and be grateful for that (family, friends, my cats, health, work,) instead of clinging to someone who is not good for me.
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