How can you love yourself when you’re unlovable? First step, Truly knowing that no one is unlovable, no one. Second step, Reflecting on your expectations and understanding of love so that you might know what your aiming for.

Fear is to Courage as Doubt is to Faith. Meaning that you don’t fully experience courage when you’re not also afraid. Just as you don’t fully lean on Faith when you are not also experiencing doubt.  Likewise Love

Love is easy when everything is going your way and those you love are not pushing any of your buttons, but when you can Love (Witness, Validate, Hold accountable, Encourage, Support, Nurture, Discipline) others and yourself when things  aren’t as you want/hoped/dreamed, then you will know Love.

Love your Neighbor as yourselves… yet many of us love our neighbors better then we love ourselves. We are harder on ourselves while giving others the benefit of the doubt. (But if we look closer if we don’t love ourselves can we really love others.)

The good news is that being in the place you find yourself in this moment means that you are where you need to be in order to develop a deeper understanding and experience of this thing we call Love. It will require that you create some space for yourself so that you can do the work. Start by avoiding making judgments about your self and just being when you find yourself slipping.

You may David Richo Books Helpful as guides.

‘How to Be an Adult in Love: Letting Love in Safely and Showing It Recklessly by David Richo

We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We may find it a challenge to love ourselves. We may have a hard time letting love in from others. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us—and love that isn’t shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled.

David Richo provides the tools here for learning how to love in evolved adult ways—beginning with getting past the barriers that keep us from loving ourselves, then showing how we can learn to open to love others.

The first challenge is that we have a hard time letting love in: recognizing it, accepting it from others. We’re afraid of it, of getting hurt. The second, related problem is that we’re unable to share love with those around us–and love that isn’t shared isn’t truly love. The first step to learning to love and be loved, according to Richo’s model, is to identify the different levels of love so that you can hit each one separately. He breaks it down to three:

• Level One: Positive Connection. As simple as being courteous, respectful, helpful, and honest, and decent in all our dealings. Pretty basic, but it makes the world a better place, and it’s the essential foundation for growing in love.
• Level Two: Caring and Personal Connection. Intimacy and commitment to friends, family, partners, lovers. Commitment to others.
• Level Three: Unconditional and Universal. Transcending the love of individuals to the love of all beings; self-sacrificing. The love expressed in the Sermon on the Mount and the Bodhicharyavatara. This level of love isn’t for a heroic few, it’s everyone’s calling.

He then shows us how to incorporate these varieties of love into our lives. It’s a relief to know that even just aspiring to incorporate them really changes things. He also provides exercises and guided meditations for identifying and getting through the things that keep you from getting and giving love at each of these three levels.

Through the lens of these types of love, Richo covers topics such as: how to still be yourself while loving another; how to embrace your dark side; what to do when the one who loves you dies; need versus fear; clinging; healthy sexuality, including fantasies and how to experience pleasure without guilt; how to break destructive patterns in your relationships; and how to have safe conversations with your loved one.

Richo provides wisdom from Buddhism, psychology, and a range of spiritual traditions, along with a wealth of practices both for avoiding the pitfalls that can occur in love relationships and for enhancing the way love shows up in our lives. He then leads us on to love’s inevitable outcome: developing a heart that loves universally and indiscriminately. This transcendent and unconditional love isn’t just for a heroic few, Richo shows, it’s everyone’s magnificent calling.

When you can say Yes to life as it is, the good the bad and the ugly and know it to be love you are coming closer to experiencing Life from the perspective of LOVE were we are all one.

Such a irony that our greatest strengths can also be our weakness.
Thanks for posting

When you talk about hearing voices in your head, do you hear the voices as negative self talk or voices coming from some place else?

I think we have all experienced the anxiety and disillusionment you are talking about. In the age of “information” and 24/7 news where 90% of the stories we hear have a negative connotation its no wonder. As such there is nothing “wrong” with your thinking, however this might be more of an issue of focus/mindfulness. What you are allowing your consciousness to remain focused on.

You ask how you might correct this thinking.

I think the tools of compassion and mindfulness might be helpful.  Compassion in this case for your thinking and anxiety instead of judgment. Such a perspective opens the door to mindfulness where you might notice such thinking and anxiety as observations and so doing allow them to pass.  For example, this news story disappoints me and fills me with anxiety. I am sorry such things happen and that people can behave this way. I see I can also act in hurtful ways and feel compassion for others and myself (while still holding myself and others accountable. Not doing so would not be Love). Hurtful things might/will happen to myself and family and for those things I can control I will attend to the rest I let go and lean on my faith that Life (which includes death) is Love.

Mindfulness may also help you better direct your consciousness. Consciousness is attracted to ‘loud noises’, things we are afraid of, fear, possible trouble. Mindfulness teaches us to notice without fixating on what we become aware of and in this way, respond or react as the needs arise.  We learn to better direct our consciousness.

When you think of it is really is a waist of time to worry about a future that never happens. Track all the things you worried about against what actually happens and you will likely notice that a large percentage never occurred.   You can and should prepare for possible outcomes but once you do worry has served its purpose.  Mindfulness will help you let it go.

Lastly “the car goes were the eyes go” meaning our mind/thinking goes were our eyes go. There is far more goodness and beauty in the world then ugliness.  Its true. Just look around you and direct your awareness to the wonder.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

Without imperfections, we would remain unconscious of ourselves.

Each of us is unique and love is experienced and expressed on many different levels. Most of us, when we talk about love are often talking about something else like relationship, living together, sex… all components of love but never the complete picture in and of themselves.

If your a thinking type that likes to analyze feelings and have a concept of love that is romanticized perhaps seeking that feeling of being overwhelmed by the need for someone – and calling that love. Your probably going to be disappointed.  I think a place to start is defining for yourself what love is and then not overthink it.

Sorry to hear about your situation but glad to hear that your taking the steps you need to take to be safe and take care of yourself.

If its unacceptable for you to live with a person with a drinking problem, then that is your truth and there is not much more you can do until and unless your husband comes to terms with his demons.

I think you have done what you needed to do and that all you can do in the time being is respect the space that was created.

Very much recommend the book ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving – by David Richo if your ready for that kind of thing

I also struggle with loneliness though no longer the anxiety about being lonely.  I have gotten used to, and even enjoy, be out on my own, and for the most part am ok with it… and then the night comes and I wonder about meaning and purpose, wondering why I should wake in the morning.

I suspect loneliness very much tied to the experience of meaning and purpose and perhaps that is where some of the anxiety comes from.

Sorry that I don’t have any answers