The story of the poisoned arrow comes to mind.

It’s just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.’ He would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me… until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short… until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored… until I know….’ The man dies

A need to understanding can very easily become a trap at the same time may be a necessary part of the process of healing and acceptance. When it comes to emotional pain it is not always so easy to locate the arrow that needs to be dealt with.

Of course, there are many paths a person might take. Having found myself in the ‘understanding’ trap many times I’ve had to become very mindful to avoid it. One of the realization I’ve had is that an authentic part of me likes to work at understanding the why and cutting that part of myself off created a different wounding.

Through the practice ballroom dancing I learned that you start by gaining an understanding of the steps, rhythms, concepts about connection… but then there is a point where you get to ‘forget’ what you learned and dance.  The trick in healing and emotional pain is knowing when you have arrived at the tipping point of acceptance where if you can choose to let it go of the process and dance.

Here is a question for you. When does a seeker get to be a finder?

Sometimes I wonder if when Siddhārtha Gautama in his seeking achieved enlightenment and became Buddha did he become a finder and so get to stop seeking? Did he get to find at least a sense of contentment in his finding?

Friends with Benefits… Its hard to day how sex might impact a relationship but I don’t think one can break it down into a male or female thing.

Just a few years ago such a question would assume that what men and woman wanted from sex was determined by their gender.  Men could have (and must want) as much sex as they could get without feeling where a woman could/should only have sex from a place of Love and commitment…

Today the attitude towards sex is changing and I wonder if we might not be moving towards a time when sex and committed Love relationship are connected at all…  unless the two people chose for it to be.

I remember a presentation given by a young woman about swinging. How she and her husband would stare into each others’ eyes as they were ‘being serviced’ by others. The other people involved were objects no different then a sex toy… which she implied was the only way such an arrangement works.

With regards to FWB I would assume that the ground rules were the same. Two people using each other for sexual gratification. That if either involved wanted something deeper the FWB relationship ends, and I guess if such a desire to take the relationship to a different level is one sided that the friendship ends.

Hi Jim

I hope you don’t mind if I push back a little. Your situation reminds me of the following story told by the Buddha

“Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, how tall he was, who his parents were, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man would die.” Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless speculation that does not bring us any closer to healing. – Thich Nhat Hanh:

I suspect the psychologists are correct in saying connection immediately after birth is important for emotional development. Of course , such connection does not ensure healthy emotional development nor does a lack of connection always end in unhealthy emotional development. (Life always presents opportunities to overcome.)

Knowing the why we behave the way we do is interesting and can be helpful in the process of letting go but it can also be a trap.

As Ellimac4u stated its ok to feel what you feel however be honest with yourself if this is were you want to stay. Nothing wrong with staying where you are. At 64 you have put in your time.

Your posts indicate that this is something you want to get over.  You have done the work in understanding why, you know the what and the how of what arrow shot you. Now may be the time to let that go. Forgive the parents you did not know, forgive the parents that took you in for not being able to give you what you imagine only birth parents can, forgive yourself for not getting what you imagine you missed out on and let it go.  Your past does not define you unless you want it to. If the obsession of the fear of rejection is not working for you, and knowing all the why’s have not helped you, its time to try a different path.

Hi Denise

“Not all those who wander are lost” is a line for a poem by JR Tolken ? It’s a call to the hero’s journey.

Reading your post, the first thing that popped in my head was that you where heading into a new beginning and being called to a hero’s journey. Such journey often starts with uncertainty even depression… it is the authentic self crying out from the wilderness if you will. A good place to start such a journey is to wander a little.

I like the word wander as it suggests a “quite” way of looking for one’s next step.  Wandering is still intentional but open to possibilities.  As one wanders one is open to wonder entering in to the flow of a new beginning… vice struggling against the current…  As you wander pay attention to what catches your eye and you will find your way.

Good luck Denise

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,  A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -JR Tolken

We can become the stories we tell ourselves. It is true for reasons you do not know you were given up for adoption. It is also true the you were chosen.

In the story you have been telling yourself, haven been given up is measured as having more value then the value of having been chosen – and you judge your sense of self by that measure. Something must have been wrong with you… and you have become conditioned to feel bad about it.

From an objective perspective neither of the events had anything to do with ‘who you are’. It was not your choice to be born, be put up for adoption, or to be adopted. These events where not about who you are.

At a subjective level you have attached your ego, your conception of identity, with those events. From the Buddhist perspective you are not your ego, you are not your past, your thoughts or memories… You suffer because your consciousness has become fixated and attached to a story and the fear its created (false evidence appearing real).

This story has persisted after 10 years of therapy suggesting that whatever is keeping you stuck might have very little to do with this adoption story. Is it possible that staying stuck in the story has a payoff greater then the desire to move beyond it?

Staying stuck can become comfortable… a reason not to pursue a greater possibility which may be uncertain and scary. The anger and resentment you feel having nothing to do with the past but a anger coming from your authentic self for staying stuck in it. Unable to face the possibility that you have not yet lived your best self you project the anger and resentment from your ‘Self’ onto this story of adoption?

We work for that which no work is required – There is a rule of charity that states that if there are multiple possible explanations for something that happened to you but no way to determine which explanation is correct pick the better explanation. Pick the better story that lets you fly.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Peter.

Hi Plotinus

Thanks for responding. Its always helpful to hear different perspectives.

Red pill or blue pill? It is said once a question is asked it cannot be unasked so in this case asking the question may be answering it – the red pill has been chosen.  ?  Cypher wishes to un-ask the question and in deceiving himself is killed so we must be authentic in the quest.  As you say we must follow our path, or perhaps more correct to say enter ‘into’ the flow of our path as laid out and that we attempt to shape.

Have you read ‘After Zen’ by Janwillem van de Wetering?

Janwillem was seeking the answer to the question of purpose and meaning and hoping to find it in a monastery.  He found it but didn’t find it… (which may be a very Zen state of being). The other issue I noticed in his quest, which may have been just me reading between the lines, is the struggle between the tension of action and being. Gaining a moral detachment to life as it is while staying engaged in Life as it is. For me detachment often leads to indifference, the loss of motivation to act. Which if I’m being honest with myself is part of the appeal of being a monk – as I image a monk life would be… not having to concern myself with ‘paying the bills’ or worry about the other mundane stuff of life.  Thus for me the option of being a monk would be wrong.

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of moral detachment and action.

Am I correct in saying that you have a pretty good understanding as to the source of much of your anxiety. Comparing yourself with others and being obsessed with grades? And that so far work with your therapist has not help you with finding ways to stop that unhelpful behavior…I assume you recognize that behavior as being unhelpful but for unknown reasons can’t stop yourself?

When we know a behavior isn’t working for us but continue anyway its likely that there is an unconscious payoff. Something you want more then wanting to end the anxiety the behavior creates. If that is true the next step would be to work with your therapist and identify what the payoff is and then deal with the source of the issue behind your need to compare yourself with others and obsess over grades.

In the mean time you can try the practice mindfulness – when you notice you are comparing yourself with others. Stop, create some space to breathe, notice the anxiety without judging it. Remind yourself that comparing yourself against others is not helpful and direct your thoughts else where.

Hi Plotinus

My conclusion is that all honest philosophical inquire ends in the absurd. A good thing as once the question is answered one can move from thinking about life, which is often the attempt of the ego trying to control what can’t be controlled to living it.

I believe Plotinus quote “All events are coordinated. All things depend on each other. Everything breathes together” is an acknowledgement as Life as it is. That each moment of life, each breath of life involves both death and rebirth. Each single moment made of a infinite number of breaths, each dependent in mostly unknown ways on each other, flowing together in each moment. The past, present and future existing only in the moment. It is an illusion of consciousness that sees life as linear experience.

“Self-knowledge reveals to the soul that its natural motion is not, if uninterrupted, in a straight line, but circular, as around some inner object, about a center, the point to which it owes its origin.” ― Plotinus

Nothing you have learned is wasted. Everything you have learned has brought you to this breath in this moment, just where you need to be to take your next.  Regret, if only, should have… stories can only distort the breath

“We must close our eyes and invoke a new manner of seeing, a wakefulness that is the birthright of us all, though few put it to use.” ― Plotinus,

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Peter.