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samy

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 165 total)
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  • February 14, 2022 at 9:32 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392737
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    You’re right. I am hurting. And also I took some time to think about this. I am disgusted by myself. Maybe it is from an imagined male perspective I have internalized and not really my true opinion. But my body is disgusting. And my life is filled with problems. I am not an interesting person. These are the thoughts I have. I think I’ve rejected myself.

    I wonder how that works. Afraid something that is already happening will happen. It reminded me of a Telugu( my mother tongue) movie scene. It is supposed to be funny but preachy too – The hero slaps the comedian and says, “I’ll make you ask for more slaps”. The comedian says, “there’s no way I’ll ask, since it hurts”. The hero then takes out his belt and the comedian goes, “ok let’s go back to the slaps”. It sounds violent but wasn’t potrayed as such. Point being you will sometimes live with the pain you have as trying to remove it may bring more pain.

    My life is wrong. But if I go somewhere to correct it, will it turn worse? I don’t know if this thinking is why I am struggling or if it is just self loathing. Or just knowing men won’t like me. I don’t know. But what you said made me recall this scene.

    I will mourn the past for now. I am a fearful person. But I don’t know if it is just fear that is holding me back. How do you fight fear? Exposure therapy in this case is too intense for me. I can’t put myself out there completely for love yet.

    Girija

     

    February 14, 2022 at 8:41 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392734
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I understand what you mean by I just need to find the ONE guy so I shouldn’t worry about most guys. I think I have this fear that the ONE guy will hurt me? That it might turn out wrong. Firstly there is the fear of failure but also fear of success. What if what I think is right for me is wrong. The fear of failure is greater though. I am afraid I will be completely broken if I get confirmation of my fears that I am not likeable or loveable.

    I do need to mourn. I think I am. Not just the past but also the future. I know you say I need to change my attitude. But this is more evidence based and that added with the odds – it feels like it’s over. I am sorry for being so negative.

    Girija

    February 14, 2022 at 8:06 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392732
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    My latest emotional outburst is because of this. I am not too hopeful about guys through this arranged marriage process. But I don’t trust online dating. I can think I want a non-traditional guy but if I put in words it will bring the wrong type of guys. Online dating itself is complicated. Most men want to hook up and then marry someone their family finds for them. I am somehow not motivated to take those chances, especially knowing where I stand in the pool. So, I’m frustrated. This process is not honest.  And I don’t have the confidence to put myself out there when the chances are so low. It will take away a lot of my energy, I don’t think I will succeed and I don’t have the time to take it slow. I am already considered on the older side for marriage. I am disappointed that I won’t get better than a traditional marriage and that upsets me. I think I’ve been set up to fail because had I known when I was younger, I would have focussed more on myself and not my family and the fear that we may end up on the streets.

    Girija

    February 14, 2022 at 7:19 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392728
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I spoke to him twice. The first time it went okay, we were both a little awkward but since our work is similar, we were able to share a lot of stories. But what I didn’t like was he asked me questions on what I was looking for and what I did not like but when I asked him the same, he said he had no expectations. I spoke to him 2 days after that, he said he only had one thing to clarify which was that he is very attached to his parents, so he doesn’t see himself moving abroad. I am okay with not moving abroad, but I wasn’t keen on how he mostly spoke about his parents and did not have much to say about what we would be. So I said no. I don’t want my life to revolve around elders anymore and I explained it to him as my wanting to take care of both of our parents but prioritizing my spouse first and wanting to be best friends with him. It was my way of telling him that a traditional marriage wouldn’t work for me. He didn’t have much to say to that. It kept going back to his parents. I could tell he didn’t put much thought into what he wanted and was ready to go ahead as long as I was okay with all the “conditions” he had. He will find someone who can centre her life around his parents. But, I can’t be that person anymore. And I want someone who recognizes that a couple needs privacy and also like me, wants to build a personal relationship together. I don’t want to be comrades, if that makes sense.

    Girija

    February 14, 2022 at 6:34 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392723
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I didn’t speak from my own experience. It was from hearing about how when you feel connected to the other person, ordinary sex is not so ordinary. I guess I made it sound like I experienced that. I’ve never had a boyfriend.

    Girija

    February 14, 2022 at 4:44 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392711
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I am dumping my emotions here. I am not dumping on you though. I hope you don’t feel that way.

    This week made me feel like I am full of shit. I know nothing. I don’t even know what makes me happy. I just want to be loved and find that love. I can’t even figure how to do that. Everyone seems to know what they want and yet here I am feeling stupid, living the same day over and over again. I feel like the world is way ahead of me and I will never catch up to its standards. I was born and raised to be behind. Why am I trying to catch up. What has me convinced that I will receive love or support. I am actually convinced this is going to suck. I’m neither brave nor lucky and trying to fit in.

    Girija

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by samy.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by samy.
    February 11, 2022 at 9:56 pm in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392672
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Anita’s reply had me wondering. Was the open relationship your idea? If so, that is abusive to get someone into a situation and leave them because it didn’t do it for you anymore. If she got into it for you, being left like that must have hurt her a lot. Please be honest in your reply, if you chose to answer this question

    February 11, 2022 at 7:58 am in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392570
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    You do need to treat women better. And you did cheat on them. “didn’t really like cheat on them” doesn’t cut it.

    I don’t know where you are based out of. But I know that some countries have a mechanism where you can call police to check on someone. You could try that. Do it once and be done with it. You therapist is right. You are only responsible for your actions. I hope your ex and you find some peace.

    February 10, 2022 at 10:07 pm in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392563
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    I mean that I don’t want to live my life being unfaithful and not REAL with the women I see – this is a solid thing to work on. Glad to know you want to change.

    I don’t think “that crazy woman” is haunting you. You are too concerned with her. I think you should work on letting this go.

    I don’t want them thinking the relationships we had were worse than they were. This right here tells me you are reducing the consequences of your actions. Being cheated on in a relationship is the worst. They will know the truth. It is pretty audacious of you to think those women had good relationships with you and cheating wouldn’t really make them worse. Were they blessed to have you in their lives despite your cheating? I wish you’d feel actual remorse for your actions but that is not something I can manufacture in you. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any relationship. I don’t understand why you’d think those relationships were good for those women, when you broke those. Why don’t you put yourself in their shoes. If an ex came up to you and said, “I know I cheated on you but what you are feeling is incorrect, it wasn’t as bad”. Wouldn’t you feel disrespected and belittled?

    Between calling your ex crazy and believing you know what’s right for your exes, I am sensing you don’t go into relationships with humility and openness. Would you say you feel entitled to what the women ought to do for you in these relationships and how they ought to feel about you, without any real effort from you?

    I think your reaction to having cheated on other women – is where you should start. I am surprised you are deflecting blame onto your ex. You did this to those women. I think the way you are speaking of those women now is also how you looked at them when in those relationships, and that explains why you cheated on them.

     

     

     

    February 10, 2022 at 8:48 am in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392548
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Being upset over things you can’t control, it’s pointless. You could use some perspective. One of your ex wants to tell you other exes, what a POS (your words) you are. Maybe they already knew that? If you don’t talk to any of these women, you are fine and can move on. Both you and your ex seem a little obsessed with each other. I wouldn’t worry about what someone who is completely out of my life is saying about me to other people who are completely out of my life. I don’t see how that is going to hurt you. A bunch of people are going to find out about what you did to them. They are going to hurt or probably don’t care since you are out of their life. I don’t understand why you think this matters at all.

    When you say you don’t want to live your life like this – you mean waiting for her to “destroy” your life?

    Do you think maybe you are being a little dramatic. The truth is going to be set free but nowhere in your vicinity. She is doing your work for you in coming clean to your exes. You literally have nothing to do in this matter, you already did it in the past. I don’t know why you are clinging to that.

    I think perhaps you don’t want to ever have your bad side visible to anybody and if what you did is revealed, you’d feel shame or embarassment? My question is aren’t you feeling it anyways? How does more people knowing make a difference at all. Own up to your mistake atleast internally, make peace with it, resolve to do better and you are good. I think you are just trying to stall taking responsibility and working on yourself. It is easy to distract yourself with useless drama. I think that’s what you are doing, subconsciously.

    Your real journey starts when you stop worrying about what your ex will do or say and ask yourself how you would like to live and what you would like to do. That will take real effort. Start now.

     

    February 9, 2022 at 9:03 pm in reply to: My sexual past ruining relationships #392544
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    How are the women you cheated on your girlfriend with, your ex’s? Also she wouldn’t be hurting them, you would. What hurts is being cheated on. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship because you are not able to take responsibility for your actions. Honestly you don’t have the right to even expect her to stay quiet. You can’t both stab a person and decide what the right treatment is based on which would be least painful. And I would introspect long and hard to figure out if I was ready for a relationship or if I am just adding another person to the list of people I hurt. I hope therapy is going well?

    We can keep discussing this, I was worried you were abusive. Cheating is not good either but it is in the past and if you are up for it, you could work on yourself and be a better partner for your future girlfriends or spouses.

    February 7, 2022 at 8:14 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392468
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita
    I am all for not being mean and using kind words. I am aware that being rude does not equate to being strong. I was mean in that reply. Not because I thought being mean is being assertive but because I saw a person that has no experience of living in India, speaking for us, diminishing our experience and in the process degrading victims of real and false rape cases. I will never entertain people using what is my life and many other that live like me, frivilously, to decorate their narrative. My tone is nothing compared to the lack of empathy in poking an entire country’s wounds.

    FFF sounds great and it is easy to remember.

    Girija

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by samy.
    February 7, 2022 at 5:43 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392461
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I was so nervous because I had to talk to a guy in this arranged marriage process, that I did not reply to you at length.

    I was feeling unsupported by my mother when she forced to me to wear a bindi thinking it would be a video call but it was just a phone call. I had a breakdown. I used to hit myself when I got upset, now I was just thrashing pillows. Never again.

    So coming to being fierce. I am going to change my fierce setting to the max. I did it on this very forum when someone brought up rape in India. I have had enough of worrying about other people, how I will come across, not empathetic enough, not kind enough. I’ve had it. I am going to take this energy and have a casual conversation with the same guy. I’ll tell him what I am looking for and give him time to let me know what he wants. We’ll take it from there. I am going let him know I need time to get to know him. If he is good with that, we’ll move forward. Otherwise, I’ll be sad to not talk to him again. But it is what it is.

    I’m going to be fierce and selfish for a trial period of a week and see where it takes me.

    Girija

     

     

    February 7, 2022 at 5:34 am in reply to: Whatever happened to Sexual Equality…? #392460
    samy
    Participant

    I was with you until you brought up India. The propaganda that persists to equate the horrendous crime of rape to false accusations. Nobody “blindly” believes women here. They hardly ever believe us. Victim blaming, ostracizing. You know what. You don’t deserve a response from me. I will leave this here, since I typed it out but shame on you. May the victims of false accusations find peace. But to say that that means people are blindly believing women. Unbelievable. Nothing has come off the changes in law you brought up. You would know that if you dared to live here.

    February 5, 2022 at 9:09 am in reply to: I want to be normal #392343
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Thanks for the advice. I will have to comtemplate on being fierce some more.

    Girija

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 165 total)
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