Dear Tee and Dear Anita,

Tee Wrote*

If you believe that you cannot be honest with the other person, that you need to pretend to be perfect (perfectly happy and capable and optimistic and driven) – then no wonder you’ll feel trapped.

So it seems to me that you believe – due to your childhood conditioning – that you need to fake it in relationships, and you don’t want that. You’d rather be alone.

Anyway, that’s my best guess…

What do you think?

 Anita Wrote*
While I am at it, examples: Oct 2: “Dear Anita. How was your weekend?“, Oct 29: “Dear Anita: How are you? Good Plans for the weekend?” – too close, too friendly, we are not that close. Feels Fake to me.

I appreciate that. Maybe you’re right maybe you’re wrong I don’t know
But as of now I’m thinking like being fake like that takes an effort too. And I don’t think I’m that much effortful my relationships or with other people

I prefer authenticity that’s what I know
Because When I broke up with my 1^st gf (Not LDR) Just because she was trying to fit in with me. I knew she’s doing these things and showing she’s enjoying (More or less) Hiking and Walking for hours at the beach..etc but I knew she’d prefer more if it’s indoor activities
And that’s what you can say not being authentic or faking?

But what I agree with is this what you (Anita) told me before,

(2) your openings are very outgoing and very optimistic. Some people will like it, others will not feel anything in particular about it, and yet those of us who are significantly less outgoing and optimistic than you appear to be- will not like it. “I hope you’re having great Sunday morning“- is too optimistic for me: I am not in the habit of experiencing great mornings, nor do I expect great mornings, or great days: good is…  good enough for me.  When replying to a person’s message/ communicating with a person, pay attention to their style and somewhat adjust your outgoingness and optimism to theirs.

So that could be my communication part.

If (in another dimension) I was your age and I was your long-distance girlfriend, and this is how you opened your communications with me, I would feel inadequate for not having great and happy weekends myself, wondering:  what’s wrong with me for not having weekends as happy and as great as Addy’s?

Then my answer would No because in that case my opening communications would be lot different and even more on in your words “Extremely optimistic and outgoing”

I’m not sure how it’s in USA but things like this in my culture These are very basic gestures here

Dear Anita. How was your weekend?

Dear Anita, Hope you’re having a happy weekend

Have you eaten?

Did you sleep well?

How was your journey…etc

So again it’s my communication part

I should know that all doesn’t come from same culture. And different people take this in different ways.

Addy

Dear Tee,
How’s your weekend going?

Buckle up because this is going to be a long one 😆

I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)…….

The thing was that he was mostly indirectly comparing. Like He’s stronger/intelligent than you. (That’s how lot of village parents are) kind of competitive with kids… They be like my kid did this, My kid did that.. etc.. it’s just how it goes here even in small town areas… All just want to protect their own ego by using kids. It’s sad but yeah…

So I already knew no matter what I do someone would do something better and there’s just no end of that. So I decided like I’m out of the competition I don’t care what my father says anymore.
I don’t need his approval. But when I stopped looking for his approval after few years when I started things by myself and doing well without his help he’s more supportive with me. Even though in my tough times my parents were supportive with me when I wasn’t be able to find a job. But the thing is they’re still comparing they see me better because some other kids in village in bad line of work and now he’s like we’re happy, You took your time but at least you’re not doing anything wrong. But there’s also a thing about it. I definitely learned honesty from my parents. (Me and my parents talked about that on call for more than hour)
So yeah… Things are complex to explain

Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

In fact, this attitude of yours:

I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

…. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

Hmm it’s not that my mother likes it when I hide, But there’s a motherly thing you know, Like if I’m sad and I just act like I’m good she just knows.. Even on the phone. So also sometimes she pretends that she doesn’t know that I know because she knows I don’t like her seeing worried. But still tells me it’ll be alright.

Now about my father.. I don’t think she wanted stop complaining and blah blah blah.. One thing I learned from my mother is always try to look the side where you’re able to do positive action without conflict. (Because of the Family) And as I said before here people just respect their father more so the wife their husbands, And she just didn’t wanted to make things worse between us. There was a time when I was talking rarely to my father (On the phone – Because It’s been years I’m living by myself) So she would just call me a tell me to talk to my father. Because my father had his own ego he’d be telling my mom that he misses me but he wouldn’t directly call me.
So my mom to me is like “one of you have be the understanding one, Now you decide”
She’s just trying our family to hold together,
And I have to respect the woman who put all things aside in her life just for a family.

It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 

Hmm.. Not an easy thing to do.. But I can try and I can start by setting the boundaries which I never did before. So I’ll have to look into boundaries topic and be a Gentle warrior 😀
You can tell me more about it if you want

Dear Anita:
Okay thanks next time I’ll try that. I want to be a good leader so feedback like this would definitely help me.

Dear Anita,

you were indirectly but clearly rude to this poor colleague of yours. I feel sorry for her and for any other work colleague unfortunate enough to receive your abuse.

Abuse? There’s no such thing as timely responsibility? And I just tried to tell her in sarcastic way to remind her that task is due. I adore my teammates I can’t even think about abusing them.
Abuse would be if I told her “Hey That task is due, it’s been 3 days, It’s better be done by end of the day” in front of everyone.

in our long communication I suggested reasons and explanations.. but none was considered by you, none received, and you remain clueless. I highly recommend that you seek quality, professional therapy. I hope that you get to the root of your anger, resolve it, and no longer reflexively attack people at work and elsewhere.

There may have been some misunderstanding. But okay I’ll re-read our thread and try to understand and reflect on things again. I think I’m lot better with my anger issues than before but yeah still working…
Thanks a lot for all your support 🙂

Also another thing I want to mention is that I did mention that I don’t like people complaining. But still there quite a few people who told me I’m sensitive and good listener.
So it just their point of view or it’s my interest level with people?

Dear Tee,

I can empathize with someone who has broken their leg, even tough I myself have never broken a limb. But I can imagine how hard it is for them, and I have experienced other types of physical pain, so I can relate.

I don’t know if this explains it?

Yes, it explains it well actually, thanks for the good example.
Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy so.. Like who reads negative news (Murder and etc) super early in the morning and then be like “It felt like a nightmare”?

And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague ” like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do” but after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way.
I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me
Do you have to deal with people like them?

Dear Tee,

Validating the person’s pain is the first step to empathy.
I understood this

In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.
But I couldn’t understand this. What if we didn’t have the similar pain or experience?

It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

Hmm This is something I have to think about and ask questions to myself

Empathy is the opposite of that: admitting the pain, sitting with it, not judging ourselves for it, just witnessing it and having compassion for ourselves for having experienced such pain.

Yes I think you explained it well.