Hi all,

I started a lengthy response a while back, but it was on my phone as I cant go on the forum in work and then my phone rang whilst I was typing and i closed the browser and lost the post I had written and was too exhausted to write it all again.

Danny,

Lol, I know you mentioned to Sammy I’m probably having a blast! Ha, I wish that were true! In fairness, I don’t want to complain because there are others who suffer far more than me in the world. I’m just still overwhelmed and stressed at the moment, but we power on!

I’m delighted things are going well with B. Don’t worry too much about her Dad, of course it would be ideal if he adored you as much as she does, but at the end of the day, SHE adores you and that’s what matters. You want to be with her and while her family is important to her, there are just the two of you in that relationship. Plus give it time, these things often take time. I always felt that my ex’s Dad couldn’t really warm to me. A very nice man, don’t get me wrong, but we never clicked as such or made much conversation etc, and I would have loved to get on really well with him, but it justn’t wasn’t the way, so I accepted it wouldn’t be that way and moved on. The key is to just love and cherish B, and I’m sure it will always be apparent to any outside observer just how much you love her.

Sammy,

How are you doing? Are you still back with your family? I know it’s super cold and a bit miserable this winter, but I hope you’ve been able to get out for walks or runs to clear your head. I found podcasts and music really helped me when I was feeling sad and a little lost after the end of my relationship. I would walk and listen and walk and think and walk and listen and it became my routine and it made me feel anchored in a way…if that makes sense?

You asked about my relationship a while back on the thread. It’s good. I think!! To be honest, it’s all very new to me to have a man ‘show up’ and there are feelings and thoughts and old patterns on my behalf that are trying to process it all. I know I am very happy with him and he makes me feel very loved and that’s scary to me I guess. I love him too and I feel when I love something, I have the risk of losing it. It’s an ongoing battle, but I’m working on  it. I don’t want to lose him and I really want a future with him. So fingers crossed I can not stand in my own way.

I’m finding the amount on my plate a bit overwhelming lately and my anxiety because of it, is becoming unmanageable at times. I have been seeing my therapist the odd time (online) when I can, but I feel like I live in my car now, I’m on the road so much. My job is still as stressful as ever, maybe even more so, the demands of my family and the responsibilities I have to my Dad to fill the void left by my Mum on a practical basis and an over-anxious 9-months-pregnant sister who wants to use a drone to track my every move currently for fear I will not be available come ‘push-time’, a homeowner in the city I moved to, I have been trying to get almost 2k quid back off as I never moved in but paid deposit etc and she keeps lying and making excuses, two of my best guys mates who have split up with their girlfriends and Christmas shopping and trying to make it a good Christmas for my family while all the while trying not to freak out about the bloody coronavirus and it’s prevalence, have left me completely spinning.

I don’t think I’ll be able to post here again for some time. I would absolutely die inside to feel like I’ve let anyone down or someone needed me and I wasn’t there for them, so I feel like I need to press pause for now. I’m trying to keep too many balls in the air and some of them are about to drop. My boyfriend has already mentioned that I seem to have issues with boundaries and taking time for myself and always trying to keep every side happy. So I’m going to take some time out, away from online and try to tackle each element of my life one by one and see if I can maybe live a more balanced life because I realise that I’m heading towards burnout and some of the spinning plates will come crashing down if I don’t start dealing with them.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, though it may look and feel different to what we had hoped for. I hope you all remain safe and healthy and your families too. Thanks so much for all the posting, it has helped not only me so so much, but evidently so many more.

Keep posting here and supporting each other if you need to, you are all kind, generous and understanding people in my humble opinion and I’m grateful for our interactions.

Sammy,

Yep you’re right. The job is wearing me down. I’m just in over my head. In some ways I feel trapped and don’t know what to do. It’s a big job with a good salary and can’t see an alternative coming up anytime soon.

The huge amount of stress the job is creating is also eating a little into my relationship. Distance is hard enough but the job is swamped even a lot of my ‘free time’ too and I’m trying to prioritise and make time for BF but then my family gets upset or my friends miss out. It’s never ending.

But then again, I never thought I’d be in this position. Who would have thought?! Oh and the ex texted me for my bday – I expected him to if I’m being honest. It seems to be that the rawness went and now it’s just replaced with ‘ok whatever’. I used to go out with that ok. That’s it.

anyway, how are you doing? I’m so glad to hear that you chose to get some family support while you heal and adjust to this next phase of your life. You have so much strength – well done on fighting the crutches. You should be proud of yourself.

I wanted so badly to know when I would be ‘better’ or when I would be feel joy and love and excitement again (truthfully I didn’t think it was possible), but I asked people/therapist endlessly.
no-one could give me an answer.

And I don’t know when it happened exactly, and there have been bumps but I guess you could say almost two years. That’s how long it took my to move to a different space in my life I guess. It’s different for everyone and I doubt I was half as strong as I expect you can be.

well done you on making the decision about your ex, that can’t have been easy but you made the hard decision and that in itself is pure growth. Well done – you’re getting there. Each day, step by step. One hour at a time, growing and becoming the person you want to be.

I hope you had a chance to get out for some fresh air lately, it works wonders. I’m missing my daily 5kms now, I’ve put on a lot of weight too and it’s bugging me, but almost impossible to continue my old routine in this new job.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too. Enjoy the love and support of family (even if they drive us nuts!!). You’re doing so well ya know.

@kkasxo – I’ll message soon. Sorry for brief post but I’m just sneaking a quick look at tiny Buddha at the mo.

PS – everyone thanks so much for the kind and heartfelt bday wishes x

Danny,

I’m excited for you and the man you have become and the relationship you can potentially have. Take your time and really grow and get to know each other for who you are now and I wish you all the best with the exciting early days fluttery feelings – they are so much fun! I have no doubt you will really put all you can in to this relationship and give it the absolute best shot of a long term future!

Thank you for the offer of advice, but to be honest, I’m trying not think about everything too much as if I really get in to it, it gets overwhelming again. I hasten to add that I adore my boyfriend now – it’s just weird to say the word because this thread will demonstrate that I thought the likelihood of me every having a boyfriend again was practically zero! It’s not my family not approving of my boyfriend, nothing like that. It’s just the transition. Change scares most people and they have had me at their disposal and there for them all for a long number of years and I suppose I filled a certain role for them and now that I’m seeking a life outside of that, making more time for my own happiness instead of always putting others before me, it’s irksome and the word ‘selfish’ has been thrown around a bit.

I get it. I understand where it’s coming from. I understand what’s happening here with boundaries and moving away from the enmeshment in my family, but that understanding doesn’t make it any easier to be ‘at odds’ with your sister, who was always your best friend. I’m trying to accept the situation for what it is now and not try to control others’ feelings about what’s happening. If they feel pissed off, I have to let them feel pissed off, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be.

Anyway, best of luck on your new journey with ‘B’- I wish you nothing but happiness.

@danny

I’m so happy for you and where your journey has led you. Well done on your progress so far and keep up the good work. You will work on winning her over and making her feel special and appreciated and loved and that’s a beautiful thing. However, it’s not just about proving yourself to her. Remember YOU are a good person too, YOU add value to someone’s life. Yes, you made mistakes, let one single person on here shout if they have never made a mistake……hmmmm…I think you’ll hear the silence!

Continue to grow and as you said, appreciate what you have now, whatever the future may hold, who knows, but as you said…no regrets. I’m extremely impressed with you – talk about courage! Wowee…epic journey. I wish you well and I do hope to hear from you about how your life is going. I wish your lovely lady well and hopes that she gets to know the wonderful guy we have all gotten a glimpse of on here!

Thank you for your kind words which really touched my heart. I’m in a process of change currently, primarily in circumstances which is leading to friction, which is leading to growth. And sometimes growth is actually painful, so it’s a little hard, but I’m managing as best I can. Hopefully brighter days lie ahead. Take care friend.

Danny,

Good luck with whatever approach you take. Just remember, you’re growing and evolving and presumably so is she. She might as I said before just have been a journey mate, there to teach you something, but perhaps not to stay. Who knows.

I noticed you asking some questions of @kkasxo that seemed to have a core nugget of insecurity or low self worth still. Whether we think you’re good enough for ‘B’, whether she deserves better. Work on you own self, for your own self. Not for an outcome, just make yourself the best version of yourself in life that you can be proud of, no matter who you bump into in life.

I think when we start from that point that ” I am good. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am kind’ and go from there, we can only attract good things. Because regardless of what you have done in the past, I can already see from what you’ve posted that you are all these things. So you have a lot to offer and with time and growth, even more to offer the world. So focus on your self growth and being the person you want and know you can be and take it from there.

Danny,

Take a break buddy…you’ve been beating the crap out of yourself a lot. Maybe put the bat down. We can do a lot of things in this world. Changing the past…i’m afraid….is just one of those things that is simply impossible. You did what you did at the time because it was your coping mechanism. You didn’t want to hurt a kind human being like that deliberately, you don’t come across as an evil-minded person. You mere had a programme running in the background that dictated your actions at the time, to help you navigate life without risking the pain you felt in the past. It all makes sense.

Of course in hindsight with some self awareness and growth we feel absolutely horrendous for what we’ve done, but it happened. It’s done. You were a different person then. Not the person typing today. Not the person you will be in a year. Regrets are just regrets if you learn nothing from them.

I could sit here and cry and berate myself for going back to my ex three times and wasting so much time and heartache. Will that change those past few years? Not a bit. It was what it was, I did what I did because of the coping mechanisms I had at the time. I didn’t know better and then I know better, I do better.

B sounds like a lovely person, but she’s human and has her own life experiences that brought her to that point in her life. She may have met you and experienced what she did for her own reasons. Maybe she learned from that pain, who knows. Raking the coals is a deliberate form of torture. Do your best to make amends, move on and do better next time. Perhaps reach out by text – a tentative one at first and then if she responds, follow up with a request to meet. If she does not want to, then leave her be, she has chosen how she wants to heal. Is she agrees, meet her, apologise with true sincerity and let her know how much you actually respect and admire her as a human and then let her go and heal whatever way she wants to. She may have moved on already, she may not have, but at least you will have given her the respect of expressing your remorse.