Hi Emunah,

You have certainly done a lot and are mostly being reasonable. I say mostly because you need to address feelings of giving up on yourself. You need to do things to keep your spirit up. Focus on yourself. Get help if you are still having bad thoughts about going on in your life.

Second, a PhD can take 6-12 years and some never get done. My ex has yet to.
http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2010/04/18/education/edlife/18edlifephd-gr.html?ref=edlife

So, find out where he is in the process realistically. Unless he is in the final month of defending his dissertation – to be done, sounds like he needs to get a job to help you. Can he find work in his field? If not, something that earns income and maybe let’s him do homework.

Relationships need good communication. If he is shutting this off, tell him that’s not acceptable. He needs to work with you to meet your needs and the needs of your baby.

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Big blue.

Hi Steve and Matt,

The common theme you shared is gratefulness. This is very powerful for each of you. I’ve read about it here at TB and other places, and then lived it. Said it. Told people face to face that I am grateful. For them. What they do. Where I live. Food. Exercise. My job. My family. My friends. Fresh air. Have told myself: Grateful for myself. My hard work. My sense of humor. Successes. Accomplishments. Learning. The mistakes that I’ve made and painfully learned from. The opportunity to approach each day with both experience and open arms. The sunrise, the day, the sunset, the night. I can say with certainty, that being honestly grateful is a very positive life force.

Many of us found TB because we were torn and beaten down. Failed relationships. Lost causes we thought. Looking for a kind ear. A chance to share. To reach out across the table. To say hi there I am in horrible pain right now, and I could use some help. It’s a darn hard place to be. It is true, though, that simply being grateful can start to turn things around for you. It did for me.

Thank you Steve and Matt.

Big blue

Hi Chintoo,

It took some guts to take the mic. You were nervous, which is normal. Next time you get the mic, say “let’s see if I do better this time” with a smile. It will defuse your nervousness, and everyone will relate to you. Whatever happens, you will grow from it and do fine.

I was really nervous when I first spoke in front of groups. I got better each time, and now I’m ok with it.

Does this make sense?

Big blue

Hi CM,

I did not read more than a few lines of your post before scrolling down. The size of the post tells me you have a lot that you want her to *listen to.* The problem with that is that it’s one sided. You need to have conversations. With her more than with yourself. As others said, talk with her. Based on reading a couple comments from others, rather than dwell on past pains and grievances, learn to let that go and focus on your common values and moving forward.

Big blue

Hi Steve,

“I am not going to try to force something that isn’t good for me again.” Awesome! Good insight. So we agree on what Not to Do.

Re: what To Do. Try talking with the other ladies online. Or. From your earlier post: “I haven’t done anything as far as trying to date elsewhere. I don’t belong to any organizations and I am too focused on getting good produce to hit on women at the super market.” Honestly IMHO this is less than awesome. Steve, push your comfort zone! You are limiting your life with only online dating sites. But, no, I’m not telling you to become a Toastmaster and to drop your blueberries in the grocery store checkout line. 🙂

Big blue

PS: what about that sense of humor thing?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.

Hi Steve,

A few thoughts:

That would be a long text to send. A character counter puts it at half the length of the Gettysburg Address.

“I just…” may not sound interested, authentic, or confident. I know what you mean about being honest, but you might be taking the fun out of dating by describing rather than being.

How about something different! You said something about a sense of humor. Perfect. Use it. Invite her to something fun.

Be easy on yourself. Be yourself. No matter what, take it slow. It will be easy for you to move too quickly in any dating for a while. What else are you doing besides looking online for dating?

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.

Hi J,

You have a great attitude!

By the way I agree on Matt’s awesome advice!

Big blue