Dear Ashmitha,

I am sorry you had another disappointment. But it’s great that you talked to him beforehand and honestly expressed your concerns and also your needs. That was a huge step you did for yourself – so well done!

He said everything was unintentional and hard to see without taking a step back and evaluating it.

This I feel is again one of his manipulations. He’ll always find some excuse why he cannot spend more time with you, he’ll always find some justification. Like now: you agreed to have a date and he cancels in the last moment, but not due to an emergency that he really needed to tend to, but do to a family event that a) he probably knew in advance about, and b) is not super important either, because it’s a prayer for his cousin’s mother who passed away 2 years ago.

I am almost sure he knew about this prayer in advance, since he’s so close to his family, they probably informed him. If it was really important that he be there, he could have arranged a date with you for another day, say Sunday. But I guess on Sunday he has other family obligations, which he doesn’t want and doesn’t dare to cancel. You say it wasn’t the first time he cancelled due to his family, so clearly, they are his priority, even in unimportant things, which he definitely wouldn’t need to tend to.

In this situation, I could see how it wasn’t his fault since it was his family. But I feel they are so demanding of his time. This has bothered me early into dating. And he doesn’t have a backbone so he doesn’t say no to them. I don’t see this changing either.

Actually, I think it’s his fault because he most probably knew about it, but thought he’d be able to skip it, but then as soon as his sister texted him, he agreed to go and cancelled your date. Which means, as you say, he isn’t able to say No to them, and if he isn’t willing to change, he’ll always prioritize them before you.

If you were to get married, it would be a nightmare to have a husband who’s so much controlled by his parents and his family, while his wife almost doesn’t have a say. She’s just there for sex and raising the children, and is given hardly any respect and appreciation, and isn’t considered in important decisions. This I see as a real threat if you’d marry this guy, unfortunately.

Dear Felix,

So do u think i should just let go of the past mistakes (such as showing off to prove that i’m rich, posting something embarrassing on my instagram stories & posting to prove that im wealthy)…. like should i just let everthing about it go without thinking anything? Like completely let go without analyzing anything. Because i still feel uneasy as i still saw it as an unsettled matter. I tried distracting myself by doing something else, but will end up thinking about it when i stop doing the activity.

I see. You’re not able to let go thinking about it, there’s a thought playing in your mind that keeps you agitated and you can’t focus on anything else. What might be happening is that your obsessive thinking actually has a protective function. It might be protecting you from doing something else, perhaps something productive and constructive, because you believe that should you start doing something productive, it would turn out you’re not good at it, and it would cause you pain.

If this is true for you, then obsessing about past mistakes and past events is a defense mechanism. It keeps your mind busy and doesn’t allow you to try new things, and potentially embarrass yourself. Do you think this might bee true for you?

It happens often with people with lack of self-esteem – they often sabotage themselves from trying anything new, because a part of them is afraid that they will prove to be a failure. So they don’t even try.

If this is behind your overthinking and the inability to let go, you’d need to become aware that one part of you is afraid of failure and sabotages you from trying anything, sabotages you from even wanting to accomplish anything. You’d need to step back from that part, in your mind, and realize that you’re more than just this fearful part. There’s another part of you that wants to advance and develop and thrive, and you want to embrace that part more. If you feel this is applicable to you, we can talk more.

Dear Javier,

how are you? Are you done with the medical checkup and returned home?

Dear DaveF,

thank your for your words of appreciation, I am very happy I could help.

I think the most important right now is that you’re aware of what’s going on and that the situation with your girlfriend reminds you of your childhood and is triggering the old wounds. It seems that by simply being aware of it and understanding it, you’re already finding some inner strength and aren’t feeling so lost and helpless.

You did have a challenging childhood, with your father divorcing your mother when you were very little, and you only getting to know him when you were around 2,5-3 years old. Just this fact alone made it difficult for you to bond with him, and on top of that came his character, the fact that he didn’t know how to behave around children (didn’t even want to have one) and was impatient and angry for you simply being a child.

I constantly fought for my fathers approval and didn’t feel I ever had it.

You probably never felt good enough for your father, and this might be at the core of your beliefs “I won’t find someone who loves me like that” or “I won’t be able to manage on my own”. The first belief is that you’re difficult to love (which is how you felt with your father, I believe), and the second is that you’re incapable for success, that you’re not really able to manage things in life. This too might be originating from your father, criticizing you for dropping something, or when you couldn’t understand some difficult concept that he was explaining to you.

So it seems your feeling of insecurity and lack of trust in yourself comes from your father. While the guilt part comes from trying to make your mother happy, but never really succeeding because you couldn’t take away her sadness – because it wasn’t you who caused it in the first place. She was sad and was suffering because she had been betrayed by your father, who left her with a small child and had an affair with another woman. She wasn’t sad because she had you (you say she was very comforting and loving), but because your father betrayed her. Maybe it was also because she wasn’t a strong, self-confident person, so she couldn’t move on but got stuck in the pain and sorrow and pitying herself.

If so, it was impossible to make her happy and take away her pain, but you still tried, and failed, and then blamed yourself for not succeeding. That’s a typical child’s reaction to their parent’s pain – they blame themselves. Now that I think about it, perhaps a part of your lack of trust in yourself stems from this inability to make your mother happy, no matter how hard you tried? This might have contributed to your depression too.

With your best friends rejecting you in time of need, perhaps it triggers the pain of the little boy who felt rejected and not welcome by his father? If so, try to connect to that little boy and tell him that he’s loved and appreciated and that you welcome him with open arms. Try to be a big brother to that little boy, try to be his protector and spokesperson. See how that goes. The more love, appreciation and encouragement you can give to that little boy, the easier it will be for you moving forward.

I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to be aware of that hurt little boy inside of you, and that his needs weren’t met. Don’t blame him but try to have compassion for him, embrace him and represent his interests whenever you can. And let us know how it goes 🙂

Dear Felix,

Now that they might have concluded that im busy working that project when i wasnt, how should i deal with this….. luckily there’s only 2 people who replied asking me that time….. Should i just let go of that mistake, and get over with that regret for deceiving them?

Yes, simply don’t mention it again, let it go. It was just 2 people, and you’ve learned your lesson, you haven’t posted about it any more. It was a mistake, but no big deal, life goes on. I am glad you feel calmer and with less pressure to post things that will make you feel better about yourself.

I’m so stressed that i keep thinking that i could waste my time as i feel im already old (im 22)… but this situation force me this way

I had to chuckle at this. If you were 32, it would still be young, but 22 is very young. You have plenty of time to find a girl who’ll become your wife.

My advice is to spend the following months (specially since you still can’t go out too much and meet new people) working on yourself in some way, developing some skill, or exercising, or anything that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Try to choose something that you like and enjoy. It will distract you from thinking about finding a girl, and will do wonders for your self-esteem, I guarantee you.

Is there a skill you’d like to develop? Or some hobby that you enjoy? Because you said you spend your days mostly in your room (when you’re not at work), and I think it would do you good to change that and get more active.

Dear lk09,

by any means, don’t tell your parents that you see postponing marriage as one of the bonuses… They should think you’re motivated only by advancing professionally, in your career 😉

I am very happy to hear you’re feeling happy and taking care of yourself. I am fine, thanks, feeling good as well, happy that the pandemic is lessening and that summer is coming 🙂

Take care, and looking forward to reading from your more! <3

Dear Murtaza,

and I am glad that you actually agree with my notion that you came up with the entire philosophy and belief system

(false cause) i don’t agree, its a possibility, not a fact

If it’s a possibility, how do you relate to it? Does it help you expand your perspective a bit, or you want to dismiss it? In fact, I am sure that one part of you wants to dismiss it (it’s your protector), but is there another part of you who considers it helpful?

Dear Murtaza,

But I understand you don’t want to change your thinking. That’s your free will

though why ? why did i chose not to want to change? you are missing something here, the reason behind our action

“it’s not my lack of will to change – it’s how I am created”

ok, why do i say that? why im more prone to do such thing instead of “healing” ?

I’ve explained it in my previous post – because healing requires facing the old wounds, and that might be painful. It also requires admitting that you have needs, which is also painful. And lastly, even if you heal, it’s not a guarantee that you won’t be hurt and rejected again, which might cause you new pain. All those are reasons to stay in the status quo – basically to avoid pain. You think it’s easier.

but where does this action come from? where does the desire to change our thinking come from? is it really free? how so?

There’s a famous quote by Anais Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

This is usually when the decision to change happens: when the pain of staying in the status quo, stagnating, fearing, suffering, not living from our true self… becomes larger than the pain we might experience when we choose to come out from our protective shell and give ourselves a chance.

You have been living in your protective shell for quite a long time, and I am glad that you actually agree with my notion that you came up with the entire philosophy and belief system, so you could stay protected from pain:

 It’s a belief system, a mental construct, which serves a purpose. And I believe the purpose is to protect you from pain which you don’t want to experience again.

sounds smart move if you ask me.

guilt is so strong that made me make a new value system and philosophy

Yes, it’s a smart move, it keeps you from one kind of pain, but it still makes you miserable. It’s like a patient refusing surgery because he’s afraid of the treatment and prefers to live with a broken limb. Or decides it’s best to end his life, because broken limb causes too much pain. Is it really smart?

Healing is possible, but you’d need to be willing to dismantle the protector, and it seems like you’re not willing to do that, at least not at the moment.

in iraq? forget it

And elsewhere?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.