Dear Felix,

in another thread you said you’re 5’5. Did you know that Dustin Hoffman is also 5’5, and Rob Schneider is 5’3? There are other famous actors who’re pretty short too, and it doesn’t stop them from thriving.

I know your problems are of deeper nature, and you have a hard time accepting yourself and the life circumstances you’re in. Not being able to accept your height is just one aspect of that overall rejection of your life circumstances. So I don’t expect you’ll be satisfied or comforted by this piece of information about Dustin Hoffman…

Dear Alice,

has he asked you if you have a boyfriend? That might be a sign he’s interested… You can also ask him if he has a girlfriend back in France, if you’re not super embarrassed to ask…

Dear Sarasa,

good to read from you again! I am sorry things turned out like this, but at least now you know what the deal is, and can start moving on…

I always land up trusting the wrong guy. 

If you’ve already noticed this pattern before, perhaps it’s worth exploring it a little more. Have you experienced betrayal or disappointment before, in your relationship with men? Or even earlier, in your family of origin?

I tried downloading networking apps and finding new people to talk to virtually. It’s hard for me just to be friends with them too. I find it hard to trust them.

Yes, meeting people virtually can be a challenge because they may be pretending to be someone they’re not. How about meeting guys in person? I know it’s more difficult now, during covid, but once the restrictions lessen, do you think you would get the chance to meet people face to face, or it’s a challenge for you?

Dear Kibou,

It appears you became much more self-aware in the past year and went through some serious transformation. It’s great that you’re much more able to be with your own pain, it doesn’t “burn” so much anymore, and you’re able to better regulate your moods, without falling into serious depression.

There’s a few things that caught my attention as I was reading your posts. First – about Japan:

I used to study [Japanese] for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated.

What was it about learning Japanese and thinking about Japan that made you happy and motivated?

Then, your nomadic lifestyle:

I want to add that I have lived a quiet nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young. I believe this also plays a factor.

Could you say a little more about that phase of your life? How come you lived a nomadic lifestyle? Was your family moving a lot?

You say that a part of the reason you lost your passion is that some of the goals you were pursuing earlier weren’t even yours:

I can say though that many of those “whys” I was having were not fully only my why’s.

Could you talk a little about that – about your parents’ expectations, and in general how you felt while growing up?

Dear Katrine Nielsen,

I’ve read this and your previous threads. You say your anxiety, depression and stress started when you were 7 years old, coinciding with your sister becoming seriously ill, with a disease which will later be diagnosed as encephalitis. Due to this disease, your sister was often screaming with pain, and it took 7 years till she was properly diagnosed. She nearly died a few times during that period. The doctors and one part of your family, including your grandmother, thought your sister was merely seeking attention and has no physical ailments whatsoever. You as a family felt ostracized and excluded, and your grandmother excluded you and your sister from her will.

What I think happened is that when you were 7, suddenly all of your parents’ attention went to your sick sister, who suffered greatly, while no one knew what’s wrong with her. Your mother, who was the pillar of the family – both emotionally and financially – didn’t have time to deal with your problems, such as you being bullied at school or developing anxiety. She was 100% devoted to your sister. Your father, who was emotionally detached anyway, wasn’t much of a help to you either. You couldn’t turn to him for help, neither could you confide in your grandmother, who was very judgmental and claimed your sister’s disease was a lie.

So you were left alone to cope with your fears, anxiety, and being bullied at school, even by your teachers. There was no one to comfort you or to protect you – such as go to school and talk to your teachers. Your parents told you to simply ignore the verbal abuse and not think about it. When you complained about physical abuse and bullying, they asked you if you want to change schools. But since you were afraid to transfer to a new environment with possibly even more bullying, being a new kid, you rather stayed at your old school.

The teachers had no understanding for your problems either. They said if you’re afraid of something, the best way is to face it, to do it. So they forced you go give presentations in front of the entire class, and you felt horrified and panicked, and once even cut your wrists.

Your parents didn’t have much understanding for your anxiety either. They didn’t understand why you’re afraid to ride on a bus, or give presentations at school, or any such “simple” things that doesn’t really represent any real danger, in their view. When you cut your wrists, they took you to a child psychiatrist. He told them it’s better not to force you, so they stopped. But I guess the bullying at school didn’t stop, you just had to live with it.

You described your situation very well:

But emotionally I have been on my own so to say. I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings and fears without getting a just be positive and don’t think about it. Dealing with my sisters illness, work, house chores and a mother in law calling her a bad mother, there wasn’t any energy left. So I had to learn to deal with my anxiety, feelings, bullies on my own. Trying to self soothe and pep talk my self. My parents don’t understan anxiety, like why are you anxious there’s nothing to be anxious about. Making me feel really weak because I can’t just snap out of it.

You were completely on your own since the age of 7. Your emotional needs were completely neglected because your sister became a priority. You had no one to turn to – neither to your parents, nor your teachers, nor your larger family. You in a way were sacrificed because of your sister. It often happens in families when one child becomes severely ill. The other child, who has lesser needs, gets often neglected because the parents simply don’t have the time and energy to deal with the other child.

But you had it specially difficult because your grandmother and your larger family wasn’t supportive either (neither were the teachers nor the doctors who treated your sister). Your family didn’t have anyone to turn to, and you specially, within that family, had absolutely no one to turn to. (What about your other grandmother – your mother’s mother btw? Was she in your life in some capacity?)

As you got older, your sister accused you of being selfish if you have any needs or desires of your own. You’re supposed to sacrifice your life for her, and if you refuse, she throws a tantrum and makes you feel guilty.

In any case, I believe your anxiety and depression is the result of being emotionally neglected as a child, and left to cope on your own with physical and emotional abuse by your peers and teachers. These deficiencies could be made up for, but you’d need to work with it in therapy, to heal those childhood wounds. Are you attending therapy?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Anna,

Sometimes I feel like it’s more his personality rather than his mental health which makes him withdraw from everything.

This is quite probable, specially since he has a strict mother, who’s pressuring him to continue his studies, which he doesn’t want to do. I imagine she’s been like that his entire life, having expectations from him, not taking into consideration his feelings and desires, criticizing him etc. He feels trapped but because he also feels unable to help himself, his only way is to withdraw into depression, to sort of “switch off”.

So I believe he feels weak and helpless inside, and his defense mechanism is depression, because he doesn’t believe he can escape the situation in a different, healthier way (e.g. by getting a job and moving from his parents’ place). Some people in a similar situation develop various addictions to soothe the pain, but his coping mechanism is to go numb.

You might remind him of his mother a little, because you too have expectations on him, at least to talk to you and keep in touch, while he doesn’t feel like doing that either. He just wants to be left alone. And I guess when he’s in a bad phase, he feels hopeless about the situation, that’s why he probably feels like there’s no point in talking to you.

Then, when he feels a little better, he resumes contact, as if nothing happened. He doesn’t apologize or explain anything, which is interesting. Perhaps he believes you’ll be there always, just like his mother is, waiting for him to get better and to fulfill her expectations. I don’t know, just a thought…

Anyway, I believe he should work on his relationship with his mother in therapy. Has he done that in the past?

About your relationship, you say:

We both deeply love(d ?) each other since the beginning. We used to have a very good communication, we weren’t scared to say when we didn’t feel ok and that we needed time by ourselves in order to feel better.

Since the start of your relationship, he’s experienced a low-grade depression, but he hadn’t been diagnosed at that point. But he used to ask for time alone already then, right? If so, it means he started to withdraw, or seek pauses, pretty early in the relationship. But at that time, he at least communicated with you. Did he explain why he needs to take a break?

Dear Ashmitha,

you’re welcome, and thank you for sharing some more. You did well to become strong and resilient while growing up, to fight rather than flee, to work hard and excel in your studies, rather than become disillusioned and self-destructive. Your self-preservation instincts were excellent and you got out of your precarious childhood as a strong, independent woman. Congratulations for that! The only thing that suffered as a collateral damage is your emotional side – your ability to be emotionally open and vulnerable with another person.

Perhaps what could help a little bit is to tell yourself that you don’t have to be in the survival mode any more, that you’re safe and there’s no one pointing a knife at you or your mother (have your parents divorced in the meanwhile? has your father stopped threatening your mother?).

If you know you’re physically and existentially safe, you could relax a little, which could be as simple as laying down on a carpet, or lean against the wall, and allow the ground, or the wall, to take your weight. You don’t need to hold so much any more – you can allow yourself to be held (put a cushion if you lean against the wall to make it more comfy 🙂 ). And just breathe and relax.

You can also make a habit of getting on the call each evening with your boyfriend and asking him how was his day, and also share about your day. That’s the chance to talk about any dilemmas, or worries you might have, or simply “to talk about feelings and experiences and just understanding people” – which you said you’d love to do.

So I believe if you make the space for mutual sharing, every day at a convenient time, you’ll start building that intimacy, that emotional bond between you. Do you think it’s something you could try?