Dear Peace,

Sorry to hear that you didn’t manage to pass your exams. But I am glad it didn’t discourage you and that you will try again!

As for your siblings, I am sorry to hear it, but unfortunately it’s not anything new – they have been behaving abhorrently for a very long time. Blaming, guilt tripping, threatening, accusing, extracting money from you, trying to control you and coerce you into doing what they want, “spiced up” with loads of emotional blackmail – that’s what your siblings have unfortunately been doing to you.

And I understand why it hurts so much. I guess a part of it is that you indeed saw them (specially your oldest sister) as parental figures:

I realize that maybe I saw my older siblings as parental figures because my father was not around when I was young. I looked to them for love, support, and protection, much like a child looks to a father.

You wanted love and protection, support and validation from them. You wanted them to be proud of you, right? But what you received instead is their condemnation, despise and disapproval. You were told you are an embarrassment to them. You were also made into their scapegoat – they are accusing you of not solving the problems that they as adult people should be solving for themselves.

As you say, they treat you like a villain (I am the villain of everyones story).

That’s a horrible message to get, a totally unfair and baseless message. A toxic message, coming from very self-absorbed and greedy people, who have zero empathy and zero consideration for you.

But I understand that it still hurts, because they are your parental figures, and we look for validation from our parental figures. They mirror us our own worth. Our own lovability. And if they reject us, if they tell us we are no good and we’ve failed them – then of course we’ll feel horrible. We’ll believe it is our fault. We’ll believe that we are indeed unlovable, undesirable, and unworthy.

And so I guess a part of you (the child part of you) believes their opinion of you. The little girl in you still seeks their approval…Would you agree with that?

If you want to be less affected by their treatment of you, I think you’ll need to stop seeing them as parental figures and stop seeking approval from them. Because how they see you is not who you really are. What they believe about you doesn’t reflect your true worth. Their image and opinion of you is warped. It reflects who they are, not who you are.

So you’d need to reject that – reject the entire narrative that there is something wrong with you, that you’re not helping them enough, that you have betrayed them, let them down etc etc. Reject all that, and accept that you are a good, caring and compassionate person, who helped them a lot, but they were never grateful for that, and no matter what you give, it will never be good enough.

You’d need to accept, and perhaps grieve too, that they don’t see your worth. But also, it’s not the end of the world, because you see your own worth, and your husband sees it too (and we too on the forum see your worth). You’ve got people in your life who see your worth, and you don’t need your siblings to validate you.

They aren’t even capable of that, in their current (self-absorbed) state of mind. The more you can embrace your own worth in spite of what they think of you – the happier you will be…

How does this sound to you?

Hey SereneWolf,

here is the part about relationships…

Well it’s not like we were in relationship to begin with…

right, you were in the FWB arrangement. That too is a relationship, only without commitments. That suited you, although you were open and honest about your intentions – you weren’t leading her astray or promising any future together. And she agreed, at least for a while…

I was already trying to detach myself and spend much less time with her

What prompted you to do that?

and then she got promoted and she had a choice of two cities and she chose another city. But we’re still in touch. We talk sometimes. And when she was in the city few weeks, we did spend some time together.

Are you still FWB, if I may ask?

In your November post, you wrote:

Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like I’m trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I don’t think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that I’m not getting any younger

To which I responded a few days ago:

Would to “let loose” mean to get “madly” in love, which means you’d become too distracted and not able to function properly? It seems you believe that if you fall in love, you’ll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and they’ll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could that be it?

What do you think about the above?

You also said something interesting:

I do trust her. But somehow I’m still not trusting in this relationship working out with her.

If you actually trusted her (trusted her commitment, her intentions, and that she wouldn’t want to hurt you), then I guess you didn’t trust yourself that you were able stay in the relationship. Or you actually didn’t want to stay in the relationship, even if there was nothing wrong with her, right? And that would be fear of relationships in general. As in: nothing is wrong with the girl, but you still don’t want it. At least this is what I’m hearing…

And that’s how fear works: it is irrational, it’s not based on our current reality, but on our old wounding. And it overpowers us…

Yes you’re right but the thing is career is like a important for financial security so obviously I’m gonna give priority to that.

I hear what you’re saying, but it actually carries in itself a false belief: that if you focus on your career, you can’t be in a committed relationship. That those two are mutually exclusive. That love and career don’t mix, i.e. that they are in competition with each other. If that were true, then married people, or people in committed relationships, wouldn’t be able to have successful careers at all.

And just few days ago one of my friend told me something that really struck me. So when I moved to new place even there this stray cat started coming and I started feeding but it’s been more than 2 months and my friend asked me what did you named her?? I was like why name?? And then she was like you’re so scared of attachment you’re not giving cat a name! I’m not telling you possess her. You’re way into detachment.

And then I was thinking I’m practicing detachment because I have a fear of getting attached or it’s something else?

But you did get more easily attached to cats than to people in the past, right? If I remember well, there was a stray cat that became quite attached to you (and vice versa), but she died unfortunately. And then there was another cat (a neighbour’s cat?), that you started feeding, right? So I am not sure if not naming a stray cat, or a neighbor’s cat, is a sign of attachment issues.

But in romantic relationships, e.g. with this last girl, I guess you didn’t want to get attached. For example, you didn’t want to let her say to you that she loves you. All that was driven by this fear of getting attached and then… losing something, I guess. Losing your freedom, your independence, you career prospects…

Actually, it might be a good exercise to journal about this: “If I fall in love, then….” Write down everything that comes to mind. What would you lose, or what kind of setbacks you believe you would experience if you fell in love. Maybe it will help you to get to the bottom of your fear…

Hey Beni,

you are welcome!

Yes, I actually bought a supplement once I read it from you and noticed that the Magnesium I take has it too.

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

There’s one thing I think about. I think it can be psychosomatic too. There is this saying in german:’She/He has no backbone’. It’s when someone does not standup for himself.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. Because with this condition, I definitely feel like I have no power (no physical power), or that it is very limited. I can’t lift, vacuum clean, push anything heavy etc. And I can relate this to having not enough power (inner power) in certain areas of my life. Also, I can relate it to lack of resilience – because a relatively mild movement caused such a big injury/disability in my life.

So yeah, this condition definitely mirrors my psychological condition too. A part of my healing was to realize I am not that helpless and fragile as I thought I was, i.e. that I am more resilient than I thought I was. And it helped me deal with those flare-ups, because I’ve realized that I will be okay in a few days. That I am able to bounce back to my default, low-level pain.

So that’s the resilience part. The lack of inner strength part is something I am still working on. That’s where I need to toughen up and do certain things that I am postponing.

So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself. This is what my being is prioritizing more than doing exercises it seems to be the most important as soon I get the basic needs met.

Yeah, it does seem that healing involves not only physical but also psychological healing. This injury made me aware of some of the fears and false beliefs that I wasn’t even aware of. And it mirrored (and magnified) the limitations I had, which I now need  to work on. But for me, physical exercise and daily walks are still a must, because if I don’t do them, my pain gets worse.

But maybe, as I can hopefully start dissolving those blocks and weaknesses that I have, perhaps my back will feel better too. I certainly hope so! That would be amazing – if I could get unstuck psychologically, and at the same time get significantly better physically, with regard to my back. That would be a miracle that I need in my life! 🙂 But I also know it won’t just happen on its own, I need to work on it, I need to work on those obstacles that keep me from having power in my life.

So this makes me wonder if the healing is reconnecting to myself.

For you, it could be that reconnecting to yourself and your true needs (and meeting them, rather than sacrificing them for the sake of others) is what you need the most at this point. For me, it is connecting to my inner power. For you, it might be reconnecting to your body, your intuition, your inner voice?

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Dear Sandy,

I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, your partner’s behavior is toxic, because he is not willing to talk to you about problems, but shuts you off and gives you the silent treatment. It is also called stone-walling, and it’s one of the so-called 4 horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships, according to psychologist and researcher John Gottman. If there is a lot of stone-walling in the relationship, along with criticism, contempt and defensiveness, the relationship is set to fail.

You are seeing it very clearly too: “we do not have the minimal baseline for healthy communication.”

And it seems the reason for that is not you, but him. You are doing your best to try to communicate, but he is refusing. He is punishing you for bringing up certain topics that bother you, and that matter to you. He just doesn’t want to talk about it. And he also blames you for reacting too strongly to the things that bother you (all he sees are my reactions to situations), but never wants to address those things. He doesn’t want to admit there is a problem in the first place, right?

I cannot help but constantly feel at fault. I feel like all he sees are my reactions to situations but doesn’t see or acknowledge how I got there. That has been a reoccurring struggle for me because I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it.

I think your “fault” is in thinking that you are at fault. That if you could only be “softer” and less direct, and sugar-coat it even more, he’ll finally be willing to talk about it. But it has never happened, has it? No matter what you do, there is still a wall that he puts between you and him. And you cannot cross that wall, or circumvent it…

I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it.

I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation…. I don’t know how to reclaim my voice here.

I’d like to encourage you to talk about those sensitive topics here, on your thread. He is stonewalling you, but here you will be heard. If you want to talk about the sensitivity or the upset you feel about other people in his life, you are more than welcome to share. Your voice is welcome here.

Hey Beni,

I am glad you replied (and no, I didn’t feel any defensiveness on your part).

It’s not really pain it’s more that my right leg feels a bit different (colder) and I have like a 1 in my back if it gets more I just stop.

Okay, 1 is a really small pain, and if you stop if it gets any higher, I guess that’s safe enough.

As for the cold feeling in your leg, that’s the sciatic nerve. So I guess it does get affected a little. Have you tried taking vitamin B6? I’ve tried it when I felt tension in my nerve, and it helped.

I use my body way more cautious these day’s way more soft and I take more breaks…. I ride ramps mostly they’re round you fall different you have less impact. It feels okay to do it. I use my body different than a year ago way more conscious.

That’s good to hear! To be honest, I was afraid that you’re minimizing the impact and sort of telling yourself that the pain is only in your head. But if you stop yourself after the pain gets above 1, then I think you’re pretty cautious about it.

What I’ve learned (based on the teachings of Drs Sarno, Schubiner, Hanscom etc) is that pain (specially chronic pain) depends on the way we perceive danger. Pain is created in the brain, based on the impulses we receive from the body, but also the level of danger we perceive.

If we believe that a movement is dangerous/unsafe, we will feel more pain, because pain is the brain’s alarm to stop doing that what is dangerous. If we believe that the movement is safe, we will feel less pain.

Before I’ve learned this, every time I’d accidentally make a wrong move and started feeling pain, I would panic and fear that I’ve messed it up and wouldn’t be able to recover from it. I perceived danger from every “less than perfect” movement. And that’s what increased the pain and made me worry even more. That mental anguish and worry was actually very exhausting, it wasn’t good for my mental health at all.

So I’ve learned to accept that not every less-than-perfect move is dangerous, and this made me much more relaxed about feeling pain. Because I know that in a few days I’ll be back to normal again, and that I haven’t messed it up irreversibly.

I did the injection because the doc told me the insurance might not pay. I was afraid that when I do not have pain I might overdo myself.

Oh I see, so you didn’t even want an injection because you were afraid you won’t feel the pain and then you’d overdo yourself. This means you didn’t really want to minimize the pain – you wanted to feel it, so that it guides you. I assumed the opposite – that you minimized it so you can keep skating. I apologize for that – that was my false assumption.

That time I had very clear feedback from my body when I needed a break. Now it’s not so clear sometimes it’s activity sometimes mood.

Yeah, that’s the nature of chronic pain. The nerve endings get sensitized over time, and as soon as there is an inkling of pain, the whole “pain circle” in the brain gets activated. And yes, it depends on the mood too, because if you are afraid you did something dangerous, it hurts more.

Yeah, I kinda wanna let go of that cause it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is

I guess it’s both: a pain signal from the injured place, combined with the “pain circle” in the brain, which magnifies that pain if you perceive it as dangerous.

I think this is what you’ve described here:

I have been observing that when I’m in touch and I fall on a Skateboard it does not hurt it’s kind of a sweet pain. As soon as there is a slight pressure (my mind wants to take control). I get more stiff it hurts and I feel I can get injured.

the last 4 times I observed when I’m in pain there’s also guilt or abandonment around and not only as science say’s wrong movement. I might just feel this way because I belief it’s not good for me.

So when you fall, if you don’t feel afraid, you only feel “sweet pain.” Or your brain interprets it as “sweet”. But if you start doubting, feeling guilty that you did something you shouldn’t have done, you get stiff and it hurts, and then you feel that in that stiff posture, you might really injure yourself (I get more stiff it hurts and I feel I can get injured.) Am I understanding this right?

it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is and I noticed that I need to let go of these good/bad beliefs. Wrong movement that’s too easy to say.

Yeah, I think it’s a combination of the real physical pain and the pain generated in the brain, which serves as a danger signal. For me, as an anxious person by nature, my brain was producing more pain, to warn me of the potential danger. In other words, my “alarm” is too sensitive and goes off even when it shouldn’t.

I don’t know how it is for you. When I wrote that post, telling you to be more cautious, I thought that maybe your “alarm” is not sensitive enough. But I am not thinking that any more, because you actually said you want to use pain as your guide not to overdo yourself. So it’s not like you want to numb and minimize your pain.

Anyway, let me know what you think about all this. Maybe I am overthinking it. But since it’s about spine, I kind of feel I have to 🙂

A Neuro-Surgeon told me that it’s hard for doctor’s to know if what they did helped or if it was placebo. And he’s researching this.

Yeah, Dr. Hanscom is also a neurosurgeon, who stopped doing spine surgeries once he realized that the success rate of those surgeries is only about 20%. Many people didn’t get the pain relief they were hoping for. That’s why I think nowadays they don’t push those surgeries unless it’s a must, like when the nerve is pinched and the person suffers incontinence, cannot move their legs and suchlike.

I hear that you did a small move and had big impact which makes you very cautious. I think this is how we are conditioned mostly. Because you had this experience you can be that cautious.

Yeah, it definitely wasn’t good for my anxiety. Because in the beginning, I didn’t even think anything of it, I wasn’t anxious at all, thought it would go away in a matter of days. But then as it wouldn’t go away and it got worse (partly because I wasn’t told I should be cautious), it really made me overly cautious and fearing my ever move.

Hey Beni,

ah, it’s called sliding vertebra it’s a different thing and has a very similar latin name aand yes I mixed it up.

Ah I see, I’ve just looked it up, it’s called spondylolisthesis… yeah, it’s hard to pronounce even after reading it multiple times 🙂 Sorry you have that too. How bad is it? They are some exercises for that too, if you’re not already doing them?

Mine either the doctor pushed me to do it after 2 Months.

Wow, that’s unusual, because I think they do it if the pain is really strong and you can’t do anything, i.e. can’t even start any physical therapy.

Hard to say how much in numbers it was. It was very dependent on my mood and other needs and how I could meet them.

I see… maybe you tried to push yourself in those first 2 months, to get over it quickly, and that’s why it sometimes hurt a lot, and it warranted an injection?

it’s affecting me rather on the ‘I can’t ride rails in the snowpark every day’ and ‘I don’t feel like jumping stairs with the skateboard level’. If I can accept it it’s easy. I get it that it’s peanuts too not being able to ski at all and needing more breaks during housework.

Yeah, in theory it’s easy, because it’s not like you can’t live without those activities. But I guess the problem is (if this is a problem for you?) if you enjoy those sports, and you have a sense of loss if you don’t do them?

Because what I’ve heard you say so far is that you would like to continue those sports (albeit maybe not with the same intensity), but your doctors don’t recommend it, and you too fear a little that you might injure yourself again. I mean, that’s the dilemma (or the situation) that I am hearing you describe.

I know you said it’s not really a dilemma, because it’s not such a big deal for you, but as a fellow patient with spinal injury, I kind of have compassion for your body and wouldn’t like you to get injured again.

You say you believe you body is more resilient than what the doctors say (I actually think it’s a bit more resilient or that I get used to feeling it.), but in this specific case, when it’s about your spine, I think you should err on the side of caution. Please don’t take this as judgment, but simply as a fellow patient expressing my concern and wishing you a pain-free and healthy life, for as long as possible.

Actually I’ve just googled “skating with herniated disc”, and I found a reddit discussion between skaters, where they don’t recommend it, though some of them still do it because they love it so much.  One of them says “I think the problem is the shock/impact when you land. it goes directly into your spine.” And the other “TBH, skating definitely triggers the pain – I feel better when I do not skate. But I just love skating too much to stop.”

Anyway, I feel I had to address it, because I think it’s an important topic… What do you think and feel about this?

Another question how would you differ chronic and non-chronic pain?

I think chronic pain is defined as lasting for more than 3 months, coming and going repeatedly, sometimes it’s stronger, sometimes lesser. But it’s recurring, it never goes away completely.

Hi SereneWolf,

moving on to the second part of your post, about romantic relationships…

I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. That’s something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally it’s really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more.

Yes, I can imagine. If you believe that others will hurt you and that you can actually do pretty well alone, then sure, I see why you didn’t want to build relationships, not only romantic but friendships either, if I understood you well? Btw, did you have close friends as a child?

And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now I’ve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person

Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

But what I’m glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like I’m only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If I’m able to help someone then I’m going to help. I don’t want something in return.

Right. That means your intention is pure, and you have no expectations from the person to “pay you back”. Perhaps what you’ve experienced in your childhood is some kind of manipulation/transactionality, either on your own skin or in your family? That people would only help each other if they saw personal gain in it?

But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didn’t fulfilled me either so..

Yeah, you slid into the father figure a bit, feeling that your girlfriend needs help and fixing, and you were trying to guide her in that (and then you would get annoyed when she couldn’t get on top of her problems). In reality, she did need help to overcome her issues, but not from you, but a therapist…

I guess that in that relationship too, you didn’t dare to show your own vulnerability, your own weaknesses, but you (actually both of you) were focusing mostly on her weaknesses, right? Like, she was the “project” that you were working on, and it wasn’t coming along well. And so you were getting frustrated, and she was feeling guilty etc etc.

I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess we’re both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..

What’s with the doctor now?

I do trust her. But somehow I’m still not trusting in this relationship working out with her

Even if you’d like to trust her, I think you still don’t trust her. Because the false core belief (“I cannot trust others”, or “Other people will hurt me”) is still active…

Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like I’m trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I don’t think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that I’m not getting any younger

Would to “let loose” mean to get “madly” in love, which means you’d become too distracted and not able to function properly? It seems you believe that if you fall in love, you’ll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and they’ll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could it be it?

To be honest I’m not sure if that’s the root cause it may be I don’t know… and yeah we can explore

I am just thinking… betrayal of trust can happen if we open up and show vulnerability, and the other person ridicules us, shames us or uses it against us. Or it can happen if they promise us something and never deliver. And I guess it can also happen if they shame us and criticize us all the time (like your father and my mother did), and we can never trust that they wouldn’t hurt us. I wonder if any of these reasons resonate with you?

I took few days of break for applying. I didn’t just felt like it. I started applying again though so let’s see.

Any luck since then in finding a job? I do hope you’ve managed to find something good, something you enjoy…

Hi Beni,

Yes, it can be seen on the scan. Ah and I have the thing where part of the spine is not connected. (Spindolysis)

good that you have it confirmed by a scan. And spondylosis – isn’t it like arthritis of the spine (calcification of the facet joints, thinning of the discs etc)? Not sure what you mean by part of the spine not connected?

I was Skating a 3.5m high half pipe the day before and there was no ladder then you run up a lot.

Oh I see… I can imagine that causes a pretty big stress on the spine, and as you said, an uneven (asymmetrical) load.

I wonder what I’ve done for shure a lot and only a few things constant. I did the intrusion where they inject cortisol close to the spine. I went surfing in Norway maybe it was the change of environment or the intrusion cause it went better then. Cycling was the best for pain relief. I couldn’t stand more than 10 min and in the beginning I needed to cycle in the middle of the night to get some relief. I brought a bike to Norway I would feel insecure without it. Hanging is good and I did it occasionally also many people told me this. Stretching calves and hip flexors. And to feel my abs and back muscles conscious. I tried to force posture by time and then let go of it again. Ah and dry needling might have helped too.

Oh wow, you did a lot! My pain wasn’t so unbearable that I would need a cortisol injection, it was about 4-5 max (in rare instances more than that). But it was persistant, nothing I did seemed to help. In the beginning the doctor told me that it would last for about 2 months, but it had been dragging for much longer, and then in the summer I experienced some improvement.

Like you, I too can’t sit (or stand) for too long, need to take regular walks, because that’s what helps “lubricate” the spine. And doing core exercises for the abs and back muscles, just like you said. Because I had a bad posture before and weak back muscles. And also, due to my knee injury 3 years prior, I was walking/hiking less, so I guess my spine didn’t get proper exercise (and there was uneven loading as well). It’s all connected, and I guess one thing lead to another.

I am glad cycling (and all the other stuff) helped you and that you are mostly pain free now. And I assume you are young, so that’s a bonus. I know some personal trainers on youtube who had a disc bulge or even a disc rupture in their 20s, and they recovered and are totally pain free now. But I guess you do need to be careful about the kind of moves you do, because you don’t want to aggravate the pain unnecessarily.

This monk told me to never push when I was moving a cart and that I should use the weight of my body (I was already out of breath then ).

Yeah, the bigger the distance between the load and your core, the bigger the stress on your spine. I can do much less physical work, even house work, than before, and that’s something I am not happy about either :/

When I had the injury I pushed myself with my mind I noticed that I just could keep going if I kept pushing I thought that’s how to progress. It’s the opposite of play. It’s kinda that I moved my body with my mind. In my body this creates tension.

Yeah, don’t push yourself. Every trainer who has experience with spinal injury will tell you not to push yourself. Maybe a little, till the pain is 3-4, but never beyond that, because that’s when the inflammation starts and you’re doing yourself more harm than good.

My body somehow knows what can be done I just need to listen and let it happen.

Yeah.. but do be careful with certain moves though. Are you still skating?

Do you expirience the pain on a specific side? And rather in the legs or in the back itself?

No, I never really had sciatica, only the pain in my lower back, in the sacral area. I felt some tension in my sciatica at one point, but never really pain. You can take vitamin B6 (or B-complex) for your nerve health. Whenever I felt this tension in my sciatica, I would take vitamin B pills and it would go away.

I feel more pain on the left side btw, because it’s a left-protruding bulge. In the beginning there was a stark difference between the left and the right side, because the right side was completely pain-free. But then it kind of got more diffuse. So now when it hurts, it hurts on both sides, though more on the left.