Dear ninibee,

Sometimes I feel like my mind goes blank and I cannot see or remember anything wrong with my mom

a part of the problem could be that the wound happen very early in your childhood. I’ve looked at your previous threads and saw that you mentioned your mom had germophobia, and also that you have a phobia of vomiting which might be related to an incident on an airplane when you were left unchanged in your own vomit. You also mentioned that later you didn’t like when your mother was going through your dirty laundry and that you preferred to wash your clothes by yourself.

All that indicates to me that your mother might have been disgusted with your bodily secretions and was very uncomfortable changing your diapers, cleaning you from vomit etc, specially since she’s so afraid of germs. So her disgust and maybe even fear of your bodily secretions have probably registered in you, and you now feel disgusting and unacceptable to yourself. The rejection happened so early, that it’s hard to pinpoint what exactly it is.

It has nothing to do with you – you were a normal baby pooing and puking like every other baby – it has to do with your mother’s inability to accept you on the bodily level, thus creating a feeling in you of being rejected for who you are.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear lpkR09,

I enjoy things on my own and suddenly It hits me, I want someone who could see this, appreciate the view, appreciate the taste, or smell… experiences and me.

I believe it’s due to your early experience of not having anyone mirror you and appreciate you – since you were given away. Do you have any memories with your grandmother from that early period? Or later with her? What kind of person was she? If she was reserved and didn’t spend too much time playing and interacting with you, it’s only natural that you’re missing that “mirroring” and “witnessing” – having another person acknowledge us and be happy that we exist.

I too was given away when I was around 1.5 years old and spent some 9 months at my granny’s. I also had a very strong fear of being abandoned and also of being lonely. I remember later, when I’d come to stay at my granny’s during summer holidays, and hearing the clock ticking in the evening, and otherwise silence around me, I’d feel very lonely. It was an epitome of loneliness, and even as an adult, I would remember that clock ticking and would feel so afraid of staying alone…

Dear Sofioula,

you’re very welcome, I am glad I could help. It’s good to hear you’ve worked through some of your past problems, like submissiveness, in therapy and can now stand up for yourself and express your needs clearly. That’s great progress! Congratulations!

Your current biggest problem seems to be expectations – mostly parental and societal – around getting married and having children. You’ve been hearing from your parents that you should get married early, by 30 at latest, because after that no one will want you and you’ll die alone. This was drilled into your mind since the early age, and as the years progress, it’s making you more and more nervous, not just that you’ll disappoint your parents, but also that they may be right – that this grim destiny is awaiting you unless you do as they say…

The antidote to that is to tell yourself that you’re young and you’ve got time till at least 35 to have your first child, because your body is capable of that without problems. You’ve got many years in front of you to fall in love with a proper guy and start a family. It’s your life and your decisions. You don’t want to rush into marriage with someone only to see it break down a year later. You want the best for yourself – so no settling for less.

However, I am also aware that “It’s your life and your decisions” may not be that easy for you to accept, since in your childhood, it didn’t seem like that. You were denied to be sad or angry or upset. You were expected to be a sunshine girl, strong, confident and happy. You were beautiful so how could you have any problems at all – was the message your parents gave you. They denied you a part of your life experience – so it wasn’t really your life, but theirs.

Both of your parents had expectations not just about what you should do with your life, but how you should behave. You can’t be sad! You can’t be upset! You have to stay silent when something bothers you – was what your mother told you. They laughed at and brushed off your “petty” problems. This is how they claimed your life and practically imprisoned you in a persona that is unreal, that isn’t you.

Have you worked with that in therapy? Have you allowed yourself to feel and express all emotions, including the “negative” ones? Because that would be the first step to reclaiming your life, emotion by emotion, life experience by life experience…

The other problem you talked about in your previous threads is the fear of making mistakes. You said you’ve got mortal fear of making mistakes. Mostly because of your father, because he thought they can never be reversed (“I have a morbid fear of mistakes. They can never be reversed in my dad’s head and so in my head“.). When trying to make a decision, this is what it looked like for you:

Second guessing, guilt tripping, anxiety and horror. That’s why I don’t really know what I want. What if I don’t want good things?

We all make mistakes, making mistakes is human – that’s how we grow. If you’re denied the right to make mistakes, it’s almost like you’re denied the right to be human, to learn from your own mistakes. Combine that with your parents denying you to express the full spectrum of emotions, including the negative ones – and you’re in a double bind.

Because you can’t know what you want if you’re cut off from your spontaneous impulses and emotions that were unacceptable to your parents. It’s like your internal compass was disabled… With that, you’re even more terrified to make mistakes.

Does this resonate with you and your experience?

Dear Felix,

try to slow down a little as you’re reading my post, try to receive and listen without immediately shooting back the answer (even if the response is just in your head).

I am not expecting anything or desiring a positive outcome.

It’s not wrong to desire things and expect a positive outcome. We all need a dose of optimism in our life, because we wouldn’t have motivation to continue when things get tough. And in general, without desiring and hoping for things, life is dry and meaningless. The nature of our soul is to hope and desire – if you take that away from yourself, you’re killing a part of yourself, you’re creating that arid wasteland and emptiness that you may be experiencing at the moment.

I mentioned the similarity between how you view the universe and how you view your parents, so that I could help you see that you’re projecting your view of your parents – ungrateful, rejecting, harsh, punishing – at the universe. If you believe you are up against such a universe, no wonder you’ve lost all hope. What can you expect from such a universe? Nothing good, even if you try your best. Only further hits and punches.

Do you see this? Do you see how you’re projecting your belief about your parents at the universe, and it makes it very hard for you to expect anything good to happen?

Dear lpkR09,

When he emphasized that he loved me a lot, that I was important to him, and that we have never had a normal relationship because of this issue and she fixing the damage she did at least in my home would bring us both happiness and we wouldn’t bother her anymore.

This was his illusion – that without your sister’s approval, you wouldn’t be able to have a happy relationship. You said that your parents weren’t necessarily against him (at least not a priori), so if he hadn’t been so sensitive, you could have lived pretty well without your sister’s presence. You wouldn’t be missing her too much in your life anyway…

But his own insecurities made him need her approval. If she approves, then he’s a “worthy man”, a man worthy of marrying into your family. She made him aware that he’s not worthy, that he’s beneath your family, both in terms of his family background and income, if I understood correctly. Societal and material status is very important to your sister, and he wasn’t a good match – is that correct?

Your sister was constantly rubbing salt into his wound of unworthiness – she reminded him again and again that he’s unworthy, that he’s not good enough… and the problem is that a part of him believed her. Specially because of his addictions. But a part of him fought for his “honor” and perhaps his parents’ honor too. He did say he had a bad experience with his ex who dumped him after her parents rejected him. And that this was a humiliation for his parents too.

I am slowly starting to understand why your sister’s approval was so important to him – it wasn’t just about him and his own worth, but also about his parents’ honor. It was a weighted and emotional topic for him. If he were sure of himself and his worth, he wouldn’t have been so upset. He would have just ignored her or even laughed at her, but like this, it was hurtful, it was rubbing salt into the wound…

In any case, it’s a pity he’s lost like this. If he’d agree to talk to a therapist, to deal with his lack of self-worth, there could be hope for him. But don’t let him come back into your life unless he decides to work on himself. Because he might return, and you might try to save him once again… but until he’s in the grip of addiction, and with such a low self-esteem, he’s just going to hurt you more.

I understand you’re feeling alone now, and it’s difficult, but as Anita said, you felt bad most of the times during your relationship and according to your own words, it was a constant struggle. Because he was questioning it and making problems from the very beginning. You did have a few occasions of happiness and bliss, but that was few and far between. It’s more that you felt a strong attachment and dedication to him, because you wanted it to work. Releasing this attachment gives you now a sense of loss. But on his side, he wasn’t very dedicated to you, he was battling his own demons. So the dedication was mostly one-sided… Keep that in mind as you’re slowly releasing that attachment, savoring the good moments, but also looking at it realistically, without the rose-colored glasses.

Dear lpkR09,

thanks for writing and  illuminating the issues some more. Interesting that your previous ex was a dominant party in your relationship, and that you felt weak. He did have a clingy, needy mother, and now I remember he told you you remind him of his mother, is that right? So you were a little bit weak and needy in that relationship, and when he left you, you decided to stand in your power and become less dependent of a man. You didn’t want to be weak any more. That’s good, that’s how we learn from our mistakes and grow over time. It’s good that you saw your own weaknesses and decided to work on yourself. That’s why you got stronger. Nevertheless, the core wound – of craving for love that you’ve never properly received – was still there. And it got re-activated with your current ex.

To this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies.

I can imagine that – he himself felt weak and insecure, but he saw you as strong and capable. You were superwoman in his eyes, but at the same time he felt bad about himself. He was encouraging you, lifting you up, motivating you to succeed in your studies and career, but at the same time, he couldn’t do that for himself, he felt weak and not good enough. You were trying to help him, or sometimes, when he wasn’t responsive, you would leave him alone and try to focus on your studies, but in general, he felt bad about himself and you couldn’t help him.

His obsession with your sister’s approval is still somewhat of a mystery to me:

“He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off”

She had such a power over him that he didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone related to her, including you? How exactly did she hurt him? By spreading rumors about him (about his drinking, or other addictions)? And then, why would he need approval from someone who bullied him and hurt him so much? I guess a part of him felt that what she was saying about him – her accusations – were true, so he felt the need to “prove himself” to her. It’s like a child who needs approval from a criticizing parent. Somehow he saw her as an authoritative figure whom he needed to please, I guess…

Especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents.

Actually I don’t know what exactly happened. So he texted her in Sept 2020 to again seek her approval, and then what exactly did she do?

Dear lpkR09,

I’ve been thinking some more about your situation. Your boyfriend did take you for a ride… I mean, from the onset, he was worried about what your sister will say and insisted that she approves of your relationship, even though you said let’s take things slowly and first get to know each other better. But before you were supposed to leave to another city to your PhD studies (in June 2019), he insisted you talk again with your sister, and if you don’t get her blessing, at least get her promise that she wouldn’t be meddling in your relationship. Because, as he said, “unnecessary stress from her would keep on causing us pain“.  And if she refuses to stop meddling, he said “its best that we walk away because no amount of happiness in a relationship can mitigate stress on the personal front.”

So if your sister refuses to approve of your relationship, he was willing to call it quits with you, because he believed that the stress would be just too big for you to be able to enjoy your relationship. Here he projected his own feelings of stress onto you – it was him who wouldn’t bear the stress of not being accepted by your sister and parents, not you. You would have been fine with that, if you needed to choose.

He called you dramatic, but in fact it was him who created this whole drama of asking for approval from your sister, totally unnecessarily, and then obsessing about what will happen if she doesn’t agree. And then anticipating that she wouldn’t agree, he felt your relationship was doomed, and so he already started withdrawing. Already in April 2019 he was getting cold and not interested in talking to you much, and confessed that he almost sexted another girl. He was “tired” and “exhausted” from all the drama that he himself created!

You told him you were willing to fight for your relationship and cut off contact with your sister if necessary, but he said “please don’t, not for me“. And he said “even if we break up now you will laugh about how stupid it all was in a year.  Life changes you know and this is not important. The world is so big and we have so many things to do and see.  Love is not everything.”

It seems he’s the kind of person who gives up even before he even tried. Moreover, he sabotages himself so that there’s no chance he would succeed. He sabotaged your relationship with the unnecessary drama before it even had a chance to develop. The only reason you stayed together was because you were very tolerant about it, you agreed to “take it slow”, you overlooked his decreasing interest in you, his doubts and fears, and later, his addictions. I believe his addictions are another way he’s sabotaging himself. He’s afraid of success, afraid of love and of being loved.

When the two of you just met, end of 2018, he wanted to wait for 6 months to start a proper relationship with you, to get his act together. I believe it was because he felt unworthy of you. You mentioned he did some things in his past that he wasn’t proud of – so probably that was a part of his problem. My take is that he felt a mess and unworthy all the time. But he didn’t openly show it, but rather behaved in a way that sabotaged your relationship, sabotaged his chance with you.

You were super supportive and understanding because you wanted to believe that he’d overcome his problems… and that’s why the relationship dragged for so long. But as you said it yourself, every day was a struggle for the entire 2.5 years. He was struggling with his demons and his insecurities and was pushing you away (indirectly, with his ambivalence), and you were struggling to keep him “afloat”, to convince him that things will be better some day. You didn’t want to let go of your dream of a perfect relationship with a man you love – and you persisted for 2.5 years. Eventually, he realized he can’t give you false hopes any more, i.e. that he won’t get rid of his demons any time soon, so he told you to go for an arranged marriage (as if you were desperate to marry just anyone – so this in itself was a little bit of an under belt hit, and it hurt you).

This is my view of the dynamic between you. In any case, he’s a troubled man, and if he’s unwilling to work on his traumas, he’ll only spiral further down. You can’t be his savior, when he doesn’t even want to save himself.

Dear lpkR09,

moving ahead. Please be with me. I feel really alone these days.

You’re not alone, please feel free to share whatever you might be feeling and going through, because it’s not easy for you, you’re in a vulnerable spot right now. Please take care of yourself, but also reach out, either to us here or to other people you trust.